passionandgrammar-blog

[passionandgrammar-blog]

Peter,Paul, and Mary

So many people we cross paths with everyday, we notice some but not all. I believe everyone does come into our lives for a reason because when you think about it those individuals are a small percentage compared to the number we actually encounter. Some are a blessing others are a lesson, a person you may have just met may be more genuine to you than a person you’ve known for years. There is something to be said about those sayings, they didn’t just come out of thin air. I’ve encountered what I thought was the same person in different packaging and not till recently that I will say why that may be true for the most part what the main difference that played a big factor is culture. Culture helps you value something a little more, people aren’t as disposable at least to them the good people. The role that you thought was intended for you could be easily changed and that’s ok bc there’s a reason for that. We all have a purpose in the world and in each other’s lives, it’s ok to be open to someone else perspective especially if they are from a different walk of life or the other side of the tracks. We are all human at the end of the day, everyone is trying to make it and survive the route to get there could be different but everyone’s goal is to be happy and successful with good health bc if you ask people with many variables in life no one will say they want to be sad sick and unsuccessful. We all may just have more similarities than we think and it’s easier to focus on the differences because maybe we were taught that.

[passionandgrammar-blog]

Distracted

Keeping busy, taking a mental break, avoiding the real issue. Does being distracted help or hurt you in the long run? Running from the issue instead of confronting it. My personal situation was and still is very traumatic, I still get emotional over it which I know means I haven’t fully come to terms with it. I mean i understand my divorce will happen and i agree it needs to happen, finding out about the affair and dealing with the aftermath of that is my issue. I never saw him or expected him to be like that, his behavior towards me feels like he hates me sooo much, it’s very painful. I do replay certain things in my mind that was said in regards to my appearance, the future, my flaws. The distractions selfishly help with my self esteem. They keep my mind off of him and what we could’ve been doing at that time like having dinner. I will say even though I’m fat Im still pretty enough to initially get a guy and my personality will entertain them but keeping them is unsuccessful. That could be my fault bc I never saw my future with anyone else but ted, hes the only guy I ever saw as father of my children. Being with these other men who I see no future with solidifies that and it scares me. These distractions are helpful in some ways but I don’t feel invested in anything, it’s kind of an empty feeling. I’m jealous that ted doesn’t have to deal with any trauma or life altering situations. Loneliness by choice is one thing but when you’re searching for anyone’s company because your tired of being alone it’s not great, it’s desperate. That’s also an awful feeling especially when your aware of it. Would I have been better off without these distractions or did it help me with my self esteem and self awareness, that i don’t know. What I know is we all deserve someone who is respectful of our time and genuinely enjoys our company.

[passionandgrammar-blog]

fuck your text

You texted me to tell me you were done after 3 months. My visceral reaction was....A BIG FUCK YOU. My gut reaction was to hate you and to want something terrible to happen in your life. I wanted you to live alone forever and for you to have awful things happen to you until the end of days. I was mad that I misread the past 3 months and thought I meant more than a text to end things. I know I deserved more and I wasn't ready to let you go.

I hate you because you are weak. I hate you because I can. I love you because you are so special and different in your own way. I love you because when you smile my wrists get tingly and they get soft and in an instant I forget that in general I have weak wrists. I feel indifferent to you because you can't cook and eat shit. I feel indifferent to you because you won't take your shirt off in bed. 

I was worthless enough that you sent a text to let me know that you weren't feeling it. I am worth so much more and I know that you know that but yet you chose a feeble and weak minded Pinterest response carved on a wooden board made for charcuterie.Throughout all of my emotions, I am most in tune with the pain, though I pray that were not the case. 

You should have known that I thought about you every single day since your first message on Okcupid said “hey”. That our Romy and Michelle repartee was worth more than a thousand conversations; that I had watched your favorite movie countlessly as it was in my top ten. That even after your break up text I still hoped that you would be remised for what we could have had.

I’m also confused. I can bring up text where we have the most unique repetorie and singular rapport. The more I bask in confusion, the more I realize that you are a dating cunt. You never gave me the time to verbalize how I felt. You never gave me the chance to tell you that I would give you everything, And, if I didn't own it or have access to it, I would have gone to great lengths to get it for you. I was ready to kill my beloved family if that was your ask. I was ready to orchestrate absolute anarchy if you had called for it. If you craving was a flash fried raven’s heart, I would have procured it to all expense.

I have singularly, worked so hard to not reply to your text; to allow you to ponder, was I so mad or so sad? Would i crawl into your first floor extra bedroom? Would i scratch your Jeep SUV which made total sense because you're a basic American?

Do you REALIZE what you could have had with me? A lifetime of intelligence, a family an american not have seen since the 1700s. a gym obsessed, culturally aware, citizen of the earth, tender to every emotion available to mother earth? i’m taller than 87% of the population; I have straight teeth and long legs and a beautifully arched foot and strong thighs and I’m flexible and I can bench a significant amount and my eyebrows have a high arch and my eyes are almond shaped and my lips are voluptuous and extreme and my beard grows fully and my adams apple protrudes and my jawline isn't soft like my heart.

I am witty and can navigate Excel and can converse about any topic and can understand 3 languages, and have truly believed in aliens and the Christian teachings. 

I am lucky in that I didn't grow up in wood paneling, that my father was known by anyone important in the town i was raised in, that I can say we yearned for nothing that money couldn't buy. i am lucky that i achieved my goal of a six figure salary by 30. I am lucky that I come from culture that I have 100 people that care for what happens to me because they are immediate family; we continue to grow and my name will never die. 

FUCK You and your pompous attitude and I CANNOT WAIT LONG ENOUGH until you realize what you passed up on. I can't wait until you see what other garbage is out there. Visualize what you lost. Experience the total and udder bullshit that exist in gay dating in Boston. Get hurt. Get annoyed. Realize that I was the best gay thing that happened to you, And then cry, feel lonely, and feel that if I were there you would want for not. Again, fuck you, you fucking stupid dip shit, rude as fuck, convenient seeking, self absorbed asshole.

I love you and hope that one day you return. That one day, you will look at your life and know that I would have made it exponentially better and that my existence in your life would have been nice worth it. 

Until then, keep living your sad, annual trip to basic af Disney, while I dance with elephants. Enoy, your frozen pesto, while I filet swordfish sprinkled with cajun spices. Wear your shitty shitty shitty TJMaxx cologne and step in your wonky outfits while I galantly strut in Creed and Hermes. My jokes and quick wit and sly smile will comfort someone who appreciates it.

#gaydating

[passionandgrammar-blog]

TMI

What is too much information? Is being open and letting someone in all of a sudden a turn off or offensive to the recipient; instead of being seen as a privilege that you trust this person so much that you are vulnerable with them.

Where is the line drawn for the different levels of superficial to deep in relationships. These relationships from friends or even lovers.

I would embrace and feel honored if someone let me in and considered me important enough to let their guards down and be vulnerable with but why does that scare others away. Is that level of honesty now seen as a red flag?

It can’t be all fun and games all the time, there’s no substance to that, right? I feel insecure when I let someone in and I fear that they will drop me after Bc I’m now not seen as fun and easy going but only a complicated mess.

When is too much sharing crossing the line?

[passionandgrammar-blog]

Oh Never mind

Why do people make plans only to cancel last minute. This applies to family, friends and dates. People are busy and typically schedule time with you, you begin to look forward to doing something then all of a sudden you get ghosted or canceled on. Wtf don’t make plans if you can’t keep it, don’t get hopes up when you’re just going to disappoint. Don’t waste my time and efforts bc it’s valuable and I was looking to share it with you. The world can be so demanding yet inconsiderate at the same time.

[passionandgrammar-blog]

9 dates

8 miles distanced

7 weeks since having met

6 years between us

5 bottles of wine

4 hand jobs

3 months of online chatting

2 penises

1 bleeding heart

0 times having sex

[passionandgrammar-blog]

Monogamous with a clause

Relationships traditionally are exclusive but I am noticing a trend in my adventures where that is not the case. I’ve been out of the dating scene for about 11 yrs and it’s a completely different animal now. Many men are not looking for women who fulfill that traditional domestic role anymore they want that wild chick who is open to kinky sex , like 50 shades and multiple partners male and/or female. He wants a partner to accepts his every desire as just a physical thing. The men don’t mind sharing because there is no chance for an emotional connection because that is what he offers his partner not the person he is just physical with. There is no cheating because it’s out in the open, no lies or trust issues to be had. Is this way better than a monogamous relationship where that could be a risk?This is a very foreign concept to me because I’m no prude but i like having one guy, I’m a relationship person. I don’t mind experimenting bc life gets stale and needs to be spiced up but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing to have initially in a relationship.

[passionandgrammar-blog]

Tease or No

“I can’t babe, don’t take it personal but I can’t tonight.”

If you’re sexting the guy all day bc he initiated the sex convo. He asks when Can it happen and you say tonight then all of a sudden you get that response. Wtf is up with that? My response was “fine, some other time.” I didn’t take it personal bc I have been thru shit (I’ll tell you later) and have learned backups are necessary but I just don’t get why lead if you’re gonna be tease. Is this the modern way:Women are now the aggressors, while men enjoy the hard to get role?