patb440

[patb440]

Good Guy, Bad Guy, What Am I?

MARCH 11, 2025 TUESDAY 1:53 AM

I am so not in the mood to work today. One of those days where you want to just do nothing. Probably because earlier, I've done quite a lot of errands and I've checked all the boxes of things to do today for me.

I guess my shift will end without me doing anything for work and I think that's okay. I know I can meet all deadlines in my own terms. I always have.

We are days away from mid-March and the first quarter of the year just passed like a bullet train in Japan, really really fast.

Recent events has got me thinking of many things. Marbee still has not reached out to me to talk, and it has been more than a month, i think. I do not know what JM's problem is, why he suddenly gives me the cold treatment. Ken is back here at home after they've been evicted without prior notice from where he was staying. Olma is I guess still busy fixing things at her new home. So many things happening and not happening around me, it that make sense.

These events, these scenarios brought me to asking myself: Am I the bad person or the good person here? The thing is, I really do not care anymore what the answer is. As long as I find peace in my choices, i am good.

I recently told a close friend of mine, Jec, during one of our walks in BGC that I feel that things are changing around me. I feel that there is something shifting. Whatever it is, I trust God. I trust the universe.

There is that small painful thought in my head that this might be it for our circle, Marbee and JM. And that's fine with me. Marbee is happy. I don't understand the immature choices of JM. So better yet, move forward. I don't know. I feel that's the right thing to do and I am doing things now for me and me alone.

Eventually, Ken will find a new place to live in. Right now, we are in separate rooms. I wanted to lessen his worries and stress after losing a home and quitting his job. Though he has found a new one, and in fact, he already started this Monday. He'll be out of here in no time and I'll be alone again.

Alone. Again. I am really getting used to it and getting used to being single. I lost all my interest in any dating apps. I just tell myself everyday, let that person find you and while I wait, I wait happily doing things I love.

I love it that I have been consistent in my daily walks. During my long walks, my mind stays still while looking at all the things around me -- people, buildings, trees, etc. I find peace in walking.

Dear God, dear universe, i love it that I am letting go of control of my life and letting You handle it. I always tell you that i want to surrender everything to you and please forgive me if sometimes, I forget. I am grateful of what I have now because of you. This great job that pays really well. Another side job that also pays well. A beautiful and cozy home. Two cats that I love most. Food is available all the time. I am so blessed and that is why I am most grateful. Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin.

[patb440]

Blank Canvas

JANUARY 14, 2025 TUESDAY 4:27 AM

How time flies. It's already 2025.

For the first time in my life, I do not have anything to look forward to. No relationship to take care of. No family member to look after. No thinking of others but just me. No dreams to chase. No motivation since we lost our mom. All alone in this home I built with my two cats.

Right now, I have a very stable job that pays me really really well; enabling me to buy practically all that I want and need. I have a beautiful place that I call home where I can do anything I want. All my bills are paid on time. I stay healthy yet still enjoying life. What more can I ask for?

JM is right. I am very successful in my own level and I should really be grateful. I am grateful. I really am.

I started a few exercises for my body to have an activity. I am getting old and I know it. Even though I do not feel it, i wanted my body to still function well. Since January 6, I started walking for at least 30 minutes. I walk the streets near me and I really enjoy it. i have been consistently doing this up until now. When I come home, I do small exercises in my room. I am trying to build a routine for my body.

I guess more than just to stay healthy and active, my purpose in exercising is to look good. I do not know why I need that, I just feel that i want it and I feel that It can make me happy and confident as well. I am going to continue this. I hope I can be consistent. I want to be consistent and let this be part of my daily routine.

My relationship with Ken has finally come to its final end. It was a great run and a very mature break up. We are friends now but vowed that we won't see each other when the year starts. We stayed true to our words and up until now, we haven't spoken.

The last day he was in my house, I left early and I watched him fix his things in my phone where the CCTV feeds go. I would be honest and say that it really really broke me thinking that I will not see Ken for a long time and will not talk to him either. Maybe that is what is keeping me down these past few days. I wish him well. I wish for his happiness.

Last week, I was catfished on the dating app I was using. I can say it hurt a bit because I thought I found everything that I was looking for in a man. In the end, the person ghosted me and deleted his account. I don't know why people do that. How do they sleep at night?

Right now, I have a few people I am chatting with but no one really stands out. I'll just take this dating app thing lightly and not too seriously. If a person is really meant for me, he will find me and he will make an effort. I know myself, I can reciprocate, but this time, I want to reciprocate to a person who can show genuine interest in me. Of course, that person should also be my type to say the least.

Dear God, dear universe, I pray for patience in everything. Patience in what I do, in my goals that I will be building this year, patience for my family and friends, patience in loving myself. Help me be kind to myself. Help me love myself more. Also, I pray for your protection all the time specially when I make decisions impulsively. Please always guide me and tell me what to do. You know my heart, you know my soul, please lead me to the ultimate happiness I have been looking for for a very long time now. Whatever that maybe, I trust you with it and I surrender completely.

PS. Please let my mom know that we miss her everyday and that we love her so much and that we are all okay here.

[patb440]

Where to Next?

NOVEMBER 6, 2024 WEDNESDAY

I haven't been sleeping right since mom got hospitalized and eventually passed. After 2 weeks in the ICU, her body gave in and she forever closed her eyes for good.

It feels like I'm drifting endlessly to who knows where. My direction suddenly became uncertain and it feels like there is no point in life anymore. I didn't cry much when I am with people who comforted me during this painful stage in my life but I did cry when I am alone.

Though there was one time that I wasn't able to control my tears. It was when I was asked to make a small speech during my mom's birthday celebration last October 27. It just came out of me. I couldn't fight the tears. I was not in control.

It is true what I've said in that speech. I still cannot process what has happened to her. I still cannot believe that she is already gone. I know in time, I will learn to accept it.

Everyday I talk to her and I pretend that she hears me. I converse with her like how we usually converse. It somehow helps.

My tough emotional exterior tells everyone around me that I am fine and that I am moving forward. I never intended that. Maybe each one of us has a different way of grieving.

To top that painful event that happened to my family, I was going through my relationship chaos as well. It was war in my head. A fight between my emotions and my logic. Eventually, Ken and I talked about it, and ended up ending the relationship once and for all. It was heartbreaking for me seeing him so emotionally wrecked. There was just one thing running through my mind --- that this was the right thing to do. That line kept on repeating inside my head over and over again. It was the right thing to do.

Even though we ended the relationship, I know that he has no money to move out as yet. Because of this, I let him stay in my house and rent out the other room until he finds a place he can afford.

After days living like this, it is becoming hard for me seeing him so stressed out, looking for a place to move to. I try to stay quiet but also be supportive. I do not know how long I can take this but I have to. I need to. Love is still there.

I have been in that situation so I really know how it feels like. This is why I am trying my best to help out by letting him stay in my home.

My sister said that when the universe takes from you, it means that it is creating a space for something new, something more appropriate. She said that the universe has created a huge space in my life now, mom passing, Zoei leaving the country, my relationship with Ken ending.

i don't know. I just trust the process and I try to keep my hopes up.

Where to next? I have no idea.

[patb440]

Aylabyuwidolmayhart

OCTOBER 13, 2024 SUNDAY

10 days ago, mom closed her eyes for good. After 2 weeks in the ICU, her body gave up.

It was the morning of October 3rd and I just ended my shift at work. My sister messaged the family that mom is gone. It was also my sister's birthday.

It has been days and I still do not know how to process it. I think I am quite normal and I still do normal things. Maybe everyone is expecting me to cry to them, but I didn't. I went out with friends who wanted to see me and comfort me. I went to my cousin's place and had a good time. I think they are trying to make me happy but in all that, I was all normal and I was in my normal self.

It is a different story when I get to be alone at home. Whenever I listen to songs that I record for her funeral, that is when my eyes will tear up. Even those times, I still feel that she is just away, on another country, alive.

I think this was all unexpected. We thought it was just another visit to the hospital. It was her last visit there.

Looking at the pictures I am editing for her funeral in Canada, I knew she was able to enjoy her life more. She gained a lot of friends and built a community there. She was able to somehow explore the world, and many beautiful places. She was able to have fun with friends and her husband. I was feeling proud of her looking at her pictures. My mom was happy. She died happy. That is more than enough for me.

Now, I do not know what my life be after this. She was my rock. She was my motivation. To me, right now, I do not see any point in whatever it is I do. From work, to my music, to my writing, I do not see any good reason why I need to be at best anymore. I really hope this is just a phase. I know this is just phase and it will change but looking inside, there is an empty space that I will never know how to fill but just simply thinking of her, how she smiles and talks to me, that void vanishes.

Maybe that is how I should go on with my life. Think of her as if she is there and that she listens to me whenever I talk to her in my mind.

Ma, i don't want to say goodbye. I know you will always be in my heart though your last words to me was "Aylabyuwidolmayhart", I know I will forever hear this line repeating over and over in my mind and heart. You gave me all your heart, and you were left with none.

I know that you want me to be happy. I know that you worry about me because I am alone in life, with no family like my sister and brothers. I will be fine, Ma. I will live my life to the fullest because I know that is what you want from me and for me. I will try to take care of my self more. I promise, Ma. I will make you proud. We all will continually make you proud.

I love you so much, Ma. Until we meet again.

[patb440]

Not Yet Time

SEP 20, 2024 6:36 AM

Yesterday, I received an unexpected message. My mom is in the hospital because of her heart condition. The first message was light, saying that she will be fine.

While I was out doing groceries yesterday, I received a call from my sister-in-law, Anne. She mentioned that mom's condition got even worse. She had a cardiac arrest and her heart didn't have beat for 45 seconds. She then had an open heart surgery to take out the block in her arteries and went into a deep sleep.

The people taking care of her there mentioned that she is now in full life support and everyone is waiting for her to wake up.

I feel that this isn't her time yet. I feel that we still have a lot of happy plans in our lives. My brother and her wife will still move to Canada to be with her and live there. I still plan that one day, with enough resources, I would be able to visit too. Until all of us can come and go to Canada.

I know this is not yet the time for her to leave us. I pray that it isn't.

Dear God, Dear Universe, whatever is the reason behind all of this, I hope it will be for the best of everyone. More importantly, I know I will sound selfish now, please let her wake up to a healed body and mind. I want her to enjoy more of life. I want her to be with us and still enjoy us. Her grand children are awesome kids and I want her to see all of them succeed in life. This way, she can feel that she has been doing the right things for all of us. That because of her, we are all filled with dreams, and unconditional love for one another.

Please God, let her live. Let her survive this. Breathe life again to her. I know you can do miracles and I know she deserves to live more years.

Ma, please wake up. We are all here waiting for you. We are all here loving you even from afar. Nikki is on her way there. Please wake up ma. Please wake up. Ma, please don't go yet. Please, God, not yet. Please. We still need her.

[patb440]

A Peek Outside My World

AUG 21, 2024 WEDNESDAY

For years, I have dreaded the idea of going out of my country. For some reasons, I never really took interest in it. I've always thought that it is just an expensive thing to do.

After so many attempts to convince me to come, my friends finally won. They booked me a ticket, on loan, to visit Malaysia and Singapore. At that point in my life, money isn't an issue so much and I can afford to really go outside the country specially when I learned that it is not that expensive to do so.

I was really nervous the day of our flight but everything turned out fine. I enjoyed every bit of the trip -- the food, the culture, those beautiful places and landmarks. I am so happy that I decided to come. Finally, i have a stamp on my passport. I will definitely do it again. Though it was just a taste of what the outside world is for me, I loved how it made me feel inside.

And speaking of peeking outside my world, figuratively, I recently got offered a job out of nowhere.

My previous boss here in my current company reached out to me and laid down an opening in his present company now. I kind of expected what his intentions were when he reached out but hearing it from him directly, it gave me a feeling that I have done something right when I was working for him.

They say when opportunities knock, you answer. I was not expecting anything like this at all. To be honest, yes, I am beginning to feel that my position now is the farthest I can go in this company. I used to be excited to log in and work, but now, it feels like I just do it because I need to. There is no excitement anymore. Nothing to look forward to but more and more work.

I had my first interview today with them but something tells me I am still not convinced to let go of TP. Even though all the signs points to that new opportunity, I think I really really need to think about it.

It's funny when you don't try, and when you finally accept what you are now, a door opens and shows you that you can be more. I am terrified to be honest to start again. Though I will be doing the same job, hopefully with a much higher pay, the comfort of knowing the ins and outs of my current work tells me to stay. TP has become my comfort zone.

Dear God, dear universe, I know you have always placed me to where I will grow and prosper. Please guide me in this decision if ever I will have to decide soon. Thank you for these wonderful opportunities. Thank you for making me feel that I am still worth it outside my music career.

[patb440]

Stepping Outside

AUGUST 10, 2024 SATURDAY 9:45 AM

In one hour, Marbee will be picking me up to bring me to the airport. I am finally doing it. I am going out of my country. For almost 44 years, this is what I've known. I've never really thought of traveling abroad. Maybe there is a hidden fear in me of different cultures or just plainly ... different. But, here I am, all packed, and ready to go.

In 12 hours I will be in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and after four days, will take the bus going to Singapore. I am lucky I have friends who took residency in those countries. Because of that, I will save money from spending in hotels.

Talk about stepping outside comfort zones, I finally decided to do it. Just like my boss, Ams who took a risk to leave her 21 year old job in TP and move somewhere else. That picture above is her last day inside the office.

Im surprised that this year, I try things outside my interest, driving and traveling abroad are two of them. Sometimes, the ones that we don't have interest in makes us feel alive when we try to do it.

Dear God, dear universe, please keep my travel safe and fun. Also, please guide Ken while I am gone. Keep him safe and happy too.

[patb440]

Flying Back

JUNE 11, 2024, TUESDAY

It truly is Monday. I just got my tasks done. A lot of them. Such a busy start of the week. I like it.

I am writing today not because of work, but because something worked out.

A few days ago, I sent Ken an apology video stating how I did regret my decision of letting him go and that I was sorry for ever deciding that. I asked for another chance. Though I know it only has been less than a month, I took the risk and never let the chance pass me by again.

I was not actually expecting any response from him. i was actually expecting a rejection but to my surprise, he wanted to do a video call and talk about it.

After answering a few questions, he decided to take me back. I was really really happy that he gave me another chance and gave this relationship another shot. I am a lucky man. God answered. The universe answered.

He mentioned he didn't want to stay away from me and live in Cebu if we are going to be in a relationship again. He said he didn't like Cebu that much anyway. So, I booked him a flight back to Manila and we decided to be together in this house once again.

By this time tomorrow, he will be here.

The biggest lesson that I've learned the past weeks is that I should never linger on my overthinking and follow it. Sometimes, overthinking is simply just -- overthinking. I will never listen to it again and to the best of my ability, I will learn how to fight it.

Now that I am back in this relationship, having been given another chance, I will make it right the best way I can without overdoing it.

Dear God, dear universe, thank you so much for answering this particular prayer. Please give me a strong heart to love Ken how he deserved to be loved. Please help me clear my mind when it thinks so much. Please bless this relationship and I hope that I can still make Ken happy. I know I love him and I never did stop. Until he decides to leave me for whatever reasons, I will continue to give him a good life, a great partner, and a happy relationship that can motivate us to live our lives to the fullest.

Again, my deepest and sincerest gratitude.

[patb440]

Magnified

JUNE 5, 2024, WEDNESDAY

It has been 22 days since Ken left for Cebu.

It's funny how we sometimes decide on things that we do not completely comprehend. Like the clouds we see above, we try to see shapes in our minds but really, they are just in the mind.

Two weeks ago, I went to Boracay with the sole purpose of facing my fear of traveling alone. Also, I wanted answers.

You see, my relationship with Ken ended because of this thing in my mind that's bothering me. I didn't know what it was until I went to Boracay and met with Joseph. It's as simple as finding closure.

I am realizing now that that might be it. Actually, it probably is the reason why my mind can't move forward with Ken completely. I needed to fully close my past. A thing that I thought I never needed. A thing that I think I denied myself unconsciously.

My Boracay trip was an epiphany for me. My mind started to clear out and it made me see that I made a huge mistake of letting Ken go. Now, I am paying the price.

Imagine the hurt that I've caused the person who's only intention was to love me truthfully. Imagine my guilt as I go back to that day I told him that we need to end our relationship. I was wrong. I repeat. I was wrong.

Now, I do not know If I can win Ken back. I want to. I really want to. I am sure of it. I want him in my life. I chose wrong. I chose to let go of him rather than let go of the things that is bothering my mind.

I've learned now that there will always be something that will bother my mind - like wishful thinking. I should never listen to it. I should get out of my head and see what is around me, and what it is I have. I had Ken. I should have been fighting for that instead.

I will do my very best to win Ken back. I will give it my all to prove to him that I am changed.

On a positive note, I wrote a song about our situation. I call it BUKAS. That's the cover art above. A picture of us in the beach, magnified by a triangle. 3 is our date! I highlighted the letter "K" for his name.

Dear God, dear universe, please let me have another chance with Ken and this time I know I will make it right. I will no longer linger inside my head. I will focus on what we have. I am happy with him. We were happy. We will be happy again.

[patb440]

A Beautiful Goodbye

MAY 16, 2024 THURSDAY, 2:36 AM

I decided to call it quits. It was a very hard decision and it became harder and harder during our last month being together.

I told him I wanted to take back my decision but he knew, this would just be a cruel cycle of confusion for us. He knew he needed to let me go and I needed to be free.

I did everything I can to make him happy during the last month he was still here with me. I wanted to see his sweet smile everyday. I wanted him to know that love was not in question here. It was all just me and this feeling of incompleteness that haunts me all the time.

They say that love completes you. Why haven't I felt that way when I know how much I love him. I know deep in my heart how much he would give just to make me feel that I am whole. I know that his love for me is the purest love I felt in all my relationships. I also know that I am causing him pain that I don't think I can stand. I didn't want to hurt him anymore and see sadness in those beautiful eyes. So, I let him go.

The last month we were together, I can say, was the most happy I am with him. Since I can't speak for him, I felt that he was happy too. Though there was a lingering feeling that this will end soon and knowing the exact date when it's going to happen, we gave all the love that we can give to each other.

When the last day came, I kept on telling him that we can actually not go through it and just stay in this relationship and continue to be happy. I found myself begging for him to stay but I felt that he has reached the point where he couldn't take that chance in order for him to be happy too.

So we packed his things, pretending it was something normal, pretending that we are not feeling pain as we do this. There were tears and countless hugs. There were laughter and then there was pain.

That last day, we slept at around 8AM being awake for the whole night. We both couldn't sleep. I received a call from my auntie asking us to join them for lunch because it was my uncle's birthday. It was right across our unit so we went. After lunch, we decided to go the mall to buy some things he needed before he leaves. We went to the very first fast food chain where we had our first meal together and then we headed home and continue packing his things. We still had time to lay down and rest. There were tears again and my heart was pounding really hard knowing that in a matter of hours, he will be gone from my life and will be very far away from me.

The time came and I helped him carry his bags downstairs. Waited for his car to the airport, and then the final hug before he went it.

I watched the car move away from me, with my heart still pounding and my eyes wanting to burst into tears. I went up and sat down in complete silence feeling more empty than ever. It is final. He was moving away from me. He is officially out of my life.

Dear God, dear universe, please take care of him. I know that he is a survivor and is more capable than me in knowing the unknown but please, look after him all the time. Help him find the courage to begin again. I love him so much that I needed to let him go because I was hurting him. I hope I made the right decision. I miss him. I miss him all the time.

[patb440]

Just Start Walking

APRIL 27, 2024, SATURDAY, 4:35 AM

Sometimes, I do not understand my life choices. Though all my choices has led me to where I am at right now. I wouldn't say I regret the things that has happened to me and my life because of those choices but I would say, some of them really are crazy.

I have been a risk-taker since I can remember. I've risked situations, relationships, friends, people, and family. All the risks that I took has only one reason behind -- to find the purest happiness and joy.

Recently, it seems that my courage hid from me. I've collected many fears and doubts about how I live my life, and I became a person who wants certainty in all aspects.

For the past months, I've been battling this mindset. the mindset of a person whose life feels like a routine. Some days, someone will pull me out of this situation but at the end of the day, it is like a magnet that pulls me back in.

The reality is I have been just stuck to working, getting paychecks, and paying bills. When I try to go out and buy something for myself, or eat something that I really want, I feel guilty. I know that it shouldn't be the case. I shouldn't be feeling that way - but that is how I feel.

I am too scared to be in a situation where I do not have money. When my finances are in the lows, my mind and body follows. I feel shit. I feel worthless. I feel I can't do anything.

I have to start thinking that I have all the resources I need. I have a high-paying job, and now I have an extra job that pays well too.

Come next month, I will start to try loving myself more. That is what I promised Ken. We decided to break up because we both think that I need to learn how to be happy on my own and how to really really love myself.

There is only less that 20 days left before he leaves for Cebu and start his life there. I always tell him that I envy his courage in discovering life and facing the unknown. I am actually more excited for him and what his life is going to be than what my life will be when I am finally living alone. I admire him for loving me that much that he decided to let me go and start exploring the world on my own.

Dear God, dear universe, help me fight this battle. Help me find courage when I am in fear of anything in my path. Help me enjoy what i can and want to have when my mind thinks that I do not deserve them. Help me see the unknown like a beautiful opportunity when I fear them the most. Help me truly love myself more even if that means my kindness should only be limited to the people who only deserves it.

[patb440]

AVENEW

FEB 26, 2024 12:47AM MONDAY

I chose to stay at home this weekend. Didn't have any urge to go out, drink, or see people. Maybe work has been keeping me tired, mentally, so I chose just to relax at home and get as much sleep as I can. Also, cleaning the house helps. It is a good therapy for me.

I've been thinking a lot of my music lately and how it never really went to a status I want it to go. I've had many achievements when it comes to that part of my life and I am grateful for each and every one of them. If I really want change in my life, I gotta change how I approach life in every way. I should be able to let go -- specially this grand idea of where my music can take me.

For the longest time, I can remember that I've been trying to get rid of this dream since I feel inside me that this is as far it can take me. I guess it is really hard for me to accept that this is it. This will not go any further. I just don't want it to be that way, but i think IT IS TIME TO FULLY ACCEPT IT.

They say if you want change in your life, you got to change every way you live it. If you want things to change, change some things.

This is harder than I thought but I think I am more open now. It hurts more than anyone can ever know for me. I just put on a face everyday that people see and tell them 'I got this'.

I really thought that this last song that I've released will make a difference. It was a good song. People told me it is. The moment it got released, my 'cat' post garnered more attention. It broke my heart. Do not get me wrong. I am so happy to have done this project and to put it out there. It just hurts when it doesn't get the recognition it deserves.

I think it's time I go another direction. I think it's time to change pathways and choose another road. I have passed this 'music' road so many times and nothing seems to stick. I have to accept that this might not be meant for me.

I have to be brave. I have to see that there is a completely different world out there meant to put me in the pedestal that would bring me true happiness as well.

I want to disappear and start again - on a different avenue.

Dear God, dear universe, please help me accept that this music career is not meant for me. Please help me see that I can be happy without it. I have put so much effort, money, tears, disappointments, and expectations on this. I am grateful for this gift. I am. But I do not think that this is for me. I tried. I really tried. I've been trying since I am 16. I am turning 44 this year. I think I've given it so much time. I think that that is enough. Thank you for the good things that happened because of this gift. I will forever be grateful. Now, I am moving forward and I will leave that part of my life behind.

[patb440]

The Longest Year

DECEMBER 31, 2023 Sunday 1:26AM

Last day of the year. I am about to sleep and then I thought, why not write tonight.

These past few days, Me and Ken have been talking about this feeling inside of me. He was very open in listening to me and very mature in understanding what I am going through. Who would have thought that there is a person like me that can talk about break ups in a very mature and understanding way.

I know I am hurting him whenever we talk about this. I rather him hear the truth than me pretending that everything is okay with me in this relationship. I stand by my promise to him to be honest all the time and never hide anything from him.

What are you doing, Pat? Here you go again thinking that there is someone out there that better fits all what you need in a relationship. When will this stop? Are you even sure that there is really someone perfect for you out there?

To be honest, I do not know anymore what I want. I apologized to Ken for dragging him into this. I love him, I know it. Why am i like this?

Later tonight, I will be welcoming 2024 with Ken and Zoei. I did invite John and Hendry. I hope they will come too.

This year feels like the longest year for me. So many things has happened. Too many heartbreaks and too many painful events. Given that, i also noticed that this year is a transition for many. We needed to be in that painful situation for us to see what happiness truly means. We needed to see that loving one's self should be done first before even loving someone else.

I know that I have not done that completely. I just follow what the universe gives me. Maybe I am in this situation because I still need to learn something. Something that can lead me to the purest happiness.

Dear universe, I trust you and your process. I just pray that IF me and Ken are really not meant to last, I hope it will be the most beautiful breakup that I will experience. If this is bound to last, please teach me not to listen to what my heart is telling me ... to be single. Ken deserves the best. He is the smartest, funniest, most genuine, most mature, the sweetest person I have ever been in a relationship with. I wish for his utmost happiness in life.

[patb440]

Black Wedding

DECEMBER 2, 2023, SATURDAY

I was so tired from work yesterday. In fact, I've been working really hard this week. I start work early and end late. After work, I usually fall asleep because of how tired I am.

I the weirdest dream last night. A wedding. I was to wed someone I know and it did not feel good at all.

In my dream, I got to wear an all black attire for the wedding. The clothes that I was wearing looks old and it doesn't fit at all.

There was a scene before going to my wedding in a parking lot. I was with friends and I was very happy. The parking lot got filled with water about hip-deep. We didn't mind. We were just... happy.

Going back to thinking I was about to marry, I felt the sadness again. It seems like in my dream, I didn't want to do it but I had to because everyone around me seems to like it for me. Knowing my personality, I would do anything to put smiles on the faces of the people I love.

In my dream, I also saw my sister and her two children. That made me smile. In real life, my sister is not with her two children.

When the time came for me to go to my own wedding, I felt really really sad. I still went. In the venue, a wedding coordinator called me and said that I should change what I was wearing. He said that they prepared clothes for me for my wedding. So, i followed him.

On our way to where he was taking me, I saw Rhed. I then asked Rhed a very serious question. I asked her this --- "How do you live life pretending that you are happy?"

I never got an answer and at this time, I woke up.

I somehow know the message of this dream. You see, when I dream of things out of nowhere, i take it as a message. I try to decipher it. I try to understand it.

Somehow, I understood what my subconscious is telling me. I live my life today trying to be contented with what is given to me. Isn't that the right way to live?

Nowadays, i just trust the universe specially about my relationships. If it stays, then it stays. If not, then another opportunity to be closer to the one that will.

[patb440]

What Is Wrong With Me?

NOVEMBER 4, 2023 SATRUDAY 5:31AM

I thought I figured out my life but I can't seem to stop thinking that there is more out there.

Just yesterday, my relationship with Ken turned 4 months. Ken is very much so the character of a guy that I prayed for. He is caring. He is mature. He shows how he loves me. He never hesitates to express his love for me. He is very easy on the eyes. He is intelligent and very smart. What more could I ask for?

I prayed for reciprocation and now here it is. God always gives me what I think I want. The universe never fails me. But why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that I am missing out?

Sometimes, I think that I sped up to be in this relationship. I never got to really really enjoy being single and learn things from it. Sometimes, I think that my decisions are the ones making me feel this way --- uncertain and insatiable.

Two nights ago, I sent a message to Ken with a term of endearment I used to call Joseph. It was an honest mistake, really. I wasn't paying attention to what I was typing and I even didn't notice until he responded to me that I got it wrong. Of course, I felt really bad but It was really an unconscious mistake on my part. He got mad when I got home and he did not speak to me until the next day. I somehow understood where he is coming from but to be honest too, I felt mad too because I know that it was sent unconsciously.

I do not know what is happening again inside of me. I try to dig deep and understand it. Though sometimes I think of Joseph and wonder how is life is right now, I do not have even just a bit of intention of getting back with him. I am done with him. So it is not that.

If I would accept my nature as a human being, I would conclude that I am trying to be what I am not when it comes to intimacy. I think I am discovering now that I am not, indeed, or can be a pure top. I have this human yearning to be a bottom. Given that thought, I try to look if I can imagine him playing that part but I can't seem to grasp the idea of him doing that to me. I don't know. I just don't see him that way.

I love Ken, i think. I mean I really do care for him. I love taking care of him. I love seeing him happy with what I can offer in this relationship. Whenever I think of splitting up with him, I worry where he might go or how his life would be even though I am pretty sure that he is an independent man from the very beginning. I love him and I do not want to break his heart. He is one of the kindest person I know. My family and friends like him so much.

You see, character-wise, he has it all --- everything that I want my partner to have. What is wrong with me?

Dear God, dear universe, I call upon you again. Please help me find a way to take out these thoughts in my head. I do not want to hurt another soul because of my indecisiveness and just because I want to experience being bottom again. That is really shallow --- or is it?

[patb440]

43 and Happy

AUGUST 14, 2023 MONDAY

It was a tiring weekend celebrating my 43rd birthday. Tiring but happy at the same time. I am fortunate enough to have great friends and family to share this celebration.

I was on leave Thursday last week to sing to a birthday party with Poli. I missed singing and getting paid for it. What's more fun now is that I do it in my own time and just whenever I feel like doing it.

Friday came and I made it a point to spend my hard earned savings. I made sure to spend it to add up to all the things I need and want in my home.

I woke up early last Friday to make sure I will be able to do my shopping and just treat myself out. It was my last day as a 42 year old guy. I needed something to reward myself and never hold back. It felt good buying the things that I want. There was some thought to hold on to the money I saved up, but I was able to let it go and think that money will come to me like water. It will always be there when I need it.

That day I bought curtain rods, new exhaust fan for my bathroom, a new stove, and little things to beautify my home. It felt really good. I had them installed by my uncle Dave and all was good.

Friday night, I needed to go onsite to meet with my team. It was our once a month thing to meet in the office, share meals, chat and work. I was on leave that day but I still went since it was just a once a month thing.

After that, I went home. Marbee, Karen and JM was there to welcome my birthday. They bought a small cake and sang to me when the clock stroke 12. It was a very sweet gesture.

Same night, I went ahead and met with Weng, Chard, Ethan, and Melai at Ang Pulo. We had a few drinks and I went home. So tired and a bit tipsy, I went straight to bed.

Saturday morning, the morning of my 43rd birthday, Ate Lhean came to clean the house. I also invited her to celebrate my birthday with my family. Since I didn't really plan what to serve everyone, I just ordered Jollibee and still, everyone enjoyed it. We did some karaoke and had a few drinks.

My nieces and nephew brought me gifts. Zoei gave me new shoes for my workout and Dain and Meg gave me new shirts. I loved them.

When they left, I went straight to bed because I was exhausted. Hosting is such a stressful thing.

Sunday, the day after my birthday, the office gang came to my place to celebrate with me. Olma bought Kare-kare. Karen and Marbee cooked ribs and shrimps. Kat bought me barbeque. Melai bought donuts for desserts. JM and Carlo bought wines and drinks. It was a complete package. The lunch date turned to dinner because they had to cook everything the same day. I also invited one of Ken's friend, Chloe, to celebrate with us.

It was blast and everyone enjoyed the karaoke set that I bought earlier that day. Everyone had fun. When they left, I was again exhausted, a bit tipsy, and went straight to bed. God I am really getting old. I get tired easily now.

Today, Monday, I woke up to a message from my boss, Ams. She wanted to take me out for a late lunch treat and to give me her gift personally. I thought that was really sweet. She has always been kind and good to me since day one that I started working with her team.

I am so happy and grateful to have family and friends that will make huge efforts to make me happy on my special day. More than that, I am a lucky guy to have a partner that supports me in all these. Ken was beside me helping me, entertaining with me, taking care of the guests for me while also taking care of me.

My 42nd year is the year where I learned to give myself what I truly deserve and not settle just because something is present and just happens to be there. I now know that I can choose who stays in my life. I now know to choose only people who deserves my attention and care and love.

Dear universe, dear God, thank you for another year. I am truly grateful and honored as well to have great things in my life. Keep them coming!

I am now 43.

[patb440]

Ghost

JUNE 5, 2023 MONDAY

I have been waking up and thinking what to do. I have got nothing to do everyday except wait for work to start. I have a whole lot of free time now and I can’t seem to make myself move to do something new, something productive, or just something that will take my free time. 

What do you really want to do with your life, Pat? 

Some say I should learn how to drive. I try to wrap my mind around it but I can’t seem to see myself doing it. Sometimes, I do but most of the time, It just stays on my mind and my body doesn’t seem to want to follow. 

Some say I should better my physical self. Go to the Gym. Same as learning how to drive, it just stays on my mind and my body doesn’t want to follow. 

Everyday I wake up and I do nothing but sit around, think of what to eat next, think of what to watch next, until the time I need to work. 

Even work doesn’t keep me busy. A week would go by and I wouldn’t have anything to do at work. 

Because of this free time, I have been thinking a lot about Joseph. Everyday, I check his Facebook profile just to see how he is doing. I am going crazy. I do not want to go back to him anymore and do this cycle for the hundredth time. I want to set him free for real. 

Dear God, Dear Universe, please help me. I am stuck in a rot. I want to completely forget about Joseph. I want to completely let go and start a new life with my mind free of him. Free of the “what ifs” and “what might have been”. 

Marbee is right. I have a ghost that I have been carrying. This is why I think I can’t move forward figuratively and literally. I have to face the consequence of my actions. I left him. I should be able to move forward. He has.