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Something i did really quick and messy but i really need a keeping up with the waynes reality show 😆

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Jason's drinks

(Based on my own brothers)

Jason is a fantastic cook. An even better baker. But if he offers you a drink you say 'no' or suffer the consequences.

It started off small. He was annoyed but wasn't allowed to do anything 'reckless or stupid' and needed a way to vent. So he put salt in Bruce's tea. And he enjoyed watching him splutter.

So he did it again.

Dick asked for a 'bog standard' cup of tea, using a phrase he had heard Alfred say on one of his more relaxed days. What he recieved was a cup of tea with added 'bog'. Soil from the plants on the windowsill near the kettle.

Tim didn't know. Tim should have known. He was tired. Jason offered him a drink. He said "I don't know. Something hot." Tim recieved brown gravy diluted with cornflour to look like coffee. Tim has never been the same again.

Damien took one look at Tim's face when Jason offered him a drink and decided whatever got that reaction was not worth it and declined.

Duke thought he was clever. He used fae logic. He described exactly how he wanted his tea. How long to steep the teabag for. How much milk. How much sugar. He specified only one tea bag, 1 teaspoon of sugar, a little milk, and hot water be used. He did not, however, specify the number of mugs. After Jason came back the fourth time carrying increasingly weaker teas into the room, Duke had about given up on even attempting to get through them all.

Surely someone will be able to outsmart Jason soon.

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uhhhh hello tumblr!

first post on here

still not sure how this works

but erm yeah

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Hehehe…

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Listen, if I had the time I would just make Justice Leauge the mockumentary, lol.

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Bruce enters the conference room on the Watchtower. He is wearing a baby carrier with a baby inside it.

There is a hoo-ha.

"Why is there a baby," whispers Flash to Superman.

Clark shrugs. "It's probably one of the Robins."

"What?" says Barry tightly. "No, none of them are that age!"

"Jesus Bar, it's like you've never heard of de-aging beams."

"I'm not feeling good about the fact that you're taking this so lightly." Barry scratches at his five o' clock shadow. "If it is a Robin, it's very weird. But it's more weird if it's not."

"Maybe it's a Batgirl," suggests Diana, leaning in. "Cass or...or Steph. The purple one."

"That fits the purple diaper," says Barry reflectively.

"Barry stop hyperfixating on this," Clark says. "Let it go."

The baby is crying a little, sucking on its thumb. Batman gives it a chew toy as he continues working, and then produces a bottle out from under his cape, and holding the baby's head at a careful angle, begins to feed it.

"Batman..." Flash says, miserably curious. "Why do you have a baby?" He points at it, as if to make clear what baby he is talking about.

Bruce looks up, his brow furrowed. "Newly orphaned. Mother threw her from the spire of a church tower in Scarecrow-fear-toxin-induced hallucinations. Then she threw herself. I could only save one."

Barry looks like the dictionary illustration for the word 'flabbergasted'.

"Oh," is all he says. "Oh. Okay."

"I've found her a good home. She'll leave in a few hours." Bruce looks down, and then mutters to himself, "I just wanted to hold her".

Superman pretends he doesn't have super-hearing.

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Headcanon that Bruce’s kids have all pulled the ‘you're not my father card’ at some point or the other and by the time steph rolled around he didn't even take it seriously

Of course, the first time dick said it, bruce cried himself to sleep. But by the eighteenth time, he was numb to it. “Dickie just eat your peas.” 

The first time jason did it Bruce pulled him aside and said “i know Im not, but that doesn't mean i don't care for you jason.” by the twenty fifth time he just held up the adoption papers

The first time Tim said it Bruce laughed. “Tim, you literally forced me to adopt you. Yes I am your father.” Tim didn't bother to say it from then on, maybe muttering ‘you're not my dad!’ under his breath at the computer, just for bruce to whisper ominously ‘yes i am.’ 

When Steph said it, full of anger and hate and sadness and fear, bruce just followed her and said “you're right. Im not your father. And i will never be your father. But, if you'll let me, id like to be better.” After that any time steph said ‘ur not my father’ bruce would just respond with ‘never will be’

Cass said “your are my father” and left no room for argument

Babs said “ur not my dad or my father or even close to being any of it, but you are my mom.” bruce just had to accept that

When damian said it bruce just stood there for a solid fifteen minutes rebooting. Dick and jason fell out of their chairs laughing. 

Duke specifically went “ur my dad! My dad! Boogie woogie woogie!’ and bruce was just like ‘bet aight.”

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Was doing something unrelated but

Can you imagine a world where nobody knows the batkids are actually Batman's children and hence, when they hear them yelling at each other "I'll report this to Batman!" They think it's actually serious team discussion

And they don't know that for them it literally translates into "I'm telling dad!"

Like, You see Nightwing arguing with Red Hood and going "Oh, i'm SO reporting this to Batman"

"OH NO, YOURE NOT"

"YES I AM"

And everyone else thinks this is serious? And it could affect Hood's status as an ally?

But really is just Dick telling his little brother he's snitching about his broken arm to their dad-

Or you see Red Robin trying to bribe Robin and Spoiler "I'm reporting your actions to Batman"

"Yeah, gotta start the report about it, and he's going to be so-"

"... How much?"

And they smile maliciously, and anyone else thinks RR did something REALLY bad but it's just that he exceeded his weekly allowed coffee and his sibblings found out

Because they also do it to other people, like Tim does it to Supes when he's arguing with Kon-

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Bawling my eyes out at the thought of Dick’s last bit of parting advice for Damian on how to be Bruce’s Robin (before he went back to blud) being “just pretend to fall asleep during a stake out. Trust me”

Of course Damian’s sceptical and it takes him a long time to even THINK about making himself look that vulnerable but his curiosity eventually wins and he pretends to fall asleep during a boring night.

He thought he was prepared for all possibilities but he was not prepared for Bruce to call out his name, sigh softly and scoop him up, not letting go of him even once until they reach his bed (he will never admit it but he actually did end up falling asleep). He was absolutely not prepared for Bruce to take his shoes off, tuck him in and hesitate just a little second before giving him a forehead kiss and leaving the room silently. He ends up actually falling asleep on the very next week

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Whenever anyone writes Bruce showing up to school cause one of the kids got in a fight or some other random occurrence there tends to be a quick oh ok and then he takes them into the car to get ice cream.

No Bruce Wayne never in his life has believed his children did anything wrong.

You think his son punched a child?

Do you have it on videotape? Well then it didn't fucking happen.

His children can be guilty as sin, literally killed another child in class. Bruce does not give a fuck his kid is innocent, now once they get in the car that might change depending on the situation.

But damn right he's defending that kid to every single other adult.

It's not just at school. Or over the age of 18.

Superman once made a comment about Jason's kill count after he's big strong and every bit as tall as Bruce.

"Excuse me what proof do you have?"

"Bruce the duffle bag, you told me..."

"I'm sorry maybe, I just misheard what exactly did you imply about my son!"

Bruce is the parent that when the cops come to the door they better have a fucking warrant.

He has a team of attorneys, and a billion dollars fucking try him.

Call him from the police station. He will have badges.

You think the man with more money and power than god is letting someone else hold his children accountable.

"Who the fuck do you think you are Batman?"

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All of the batkids sleep like tiny curled-up cats. More than once, the Gotham news, innocent bystanders, and even street thugs have testified to seeing Nightwing bundled up and snoring on top of a lamp post, or Red Hood catching some Z's beneath a dumpster with his knees tucked to his chest. The working theory is that Batman allows his kids short naps during their first year of patrol, and for safety reasons, they learn to sleep in a small ball underneath his cape, and that type of muscle memory lasts a lifetime.

Additionally, the batkids can and will sleep anywhere. Even at the manor, they will pass out in hallways, stairways, bathroom counters, kitchens, and even in the garden.

Cue Bruce walking around the manor in his bedtime robe, collecting each of the robins by the scruffs of their necks and piling them into his arms so he can get them to a proper bed.

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posting these on tumblr bc i forgot i didnt

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Gotham media is collectively thirsty for Bruce Wayne.

This is an established fact. Magazines post yearly “Best Gotham Bachelor” covers with Bruce front and center, sleeves rolled up, shirt just tight enough to cause a city-wide spike in thirst tweets. He smiles politely. He waves. He completely misses the point.

But his kids?

Oh, the kids see everything.

—

Dick has mastered the art of photobombing paparazzi shots. Any attempt at a flattering Bruce Wayne candid is inevitably ruined by Dick, perfectly positioned in the background, dramatically fake-gagging or making heart-shaped gestures behind Bruce’s head.

"Don’t sexualize my father," he says cheerfully. "He’s too old to date."

"He’s forty-two," Jason points out, bored. "And loaded. They're gonna sexualize."

"No."

—

Jason officially joins the family, and he isn’t subtle. He doesn’t photobomb—he glares.

Paparazzi tremble under his stare. Journalists who ask Bruce about his dating life mysteriously lose their notes. Occasionally, a camera or three ends up “accidentally” broken. Steph calls it the “Jason Todd Protection Program.”

Bruce distantly remains confused as to why the local media keeps a twenty-foot distance whenever Jason’s nearby.

—

Tim weaponizes social media. The moment Bruce’s name trends with thirsty hashtags, Tim is there, flooding timelines with deeply embarrassing candid pictures of Bruce spilling coffee on himself, falling asleep mid-charity gala, or getting startled by pigeons.

It’s incredibly ineffective. Gotham’s thirst for Bruce Wayne skyrockets significantly whenever #BruceWaynePigeonIncident starts trending again.

They love a silly man.

—

Stephanie starts actual arguments in comment sections.

"That's my gfs dad you're talking about," she types furiously under a post titled "Bruce Wayne: Gotham's Hottest Billionaire."

When a random Gothamite responds with, "he’s literally hot though," Stephanie replies simply:

"Blocked, reported, told Batman."

—

Cass is silent and terrifying. She just stares. Directly into cameras. Directly into the souls of interviewers who dare ask Bruce about romantic relationships.

No one can maintain thirst under the soul-piercing gaze of Cassandra Cain. No one.

—

Damian simply starts calling the thirstiest journalists at three a.m. to give them long, detailed lectures about moral degradation and ethical journalism.

—

Bruce, oblivious, wonders vaguely why Gotham media’s latest headline is:

"BRUCE WAYNE STILL SINGLE: HIS CHILDREN DEMAND RESPECTFUL DISTANCE."

“Strange,” he mutters. “They’ve never cared before.”

Meanwhile, his kids exchange glances behind his back.

Gotham media can thirst all they want—but his kids are always watching. Always protective.

Their dad might not notice the world thirsting after him, but they do. And they’ve collectively decided Gotham needs to stay at least six feet away.

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Kon: So you know how we were kissing in the park yesterday?

Tim: How could I forget?

Kon: Yeah. So like, did you tell your family that you're dating me and Bernard?

Tim: Why would I do that, I like it when they're not privy to my love life.

Kon: Right, right. Anyway, Steph thinks you're cheating on Bernard with me. I can hear her ranting about it right now.

Tim: She's projecting because she cheated on her ex with me.

Kon: Hm. Well the rest of your family, sans Cass, seems pretty up in arms about it too.

Tim: Dick is also projecting. The rest of them, I don't care, I think it's funny when they're confused.

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Bruce Wayne, Father of the year

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Jon Kent brags about his boyfriend so much that people think he made him up.

There's no way he's real. He's rich, a doctor, and model pretty? As if someone like that would date Jonathan Kent.

Jon is very handsome and all, but there's no way.

Whenever they ask to see photos, Jon blushes and refuses. He says that his boyfriend wouldn't like it because he values both their privacy. No one believes him!

The boyfriend from Gotham becomes a joke, but people are getting a little worried about him the longer the lie goes on.

That is until the day they meet the mysterious Gothamite Boyfriend.

The man turns up after work, and Jon lights up and picks his partner up by the waist and spins him around.

It's like watching a movie.

Damian Wayne is everything Jon bragged about and more. Though Jons friends are still confused about how the two even met.

One thing is very clear, though. Damian is just as obsessed with Jonathan Kent as Jon is with him.

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Damian is the baby of the family (as much as he hates it). This means Jon has a really hard time getting the Batfam to not hate him.

Jon (now fully a teenager, almost an adult, ready to tell Kon about his relationship): Me and Damian are dating.

Kon: Oh dude you are so fucked.

Jon (expecting him to be happy for them): Thank y- what?

Kon (fighting a laugh): Oh, oh you don’t know yet, do you? They’ll get you dude

Jon: What are you talking about?

Kon: When I started dating Tim, Jason and Dick both stalked me for months. You are fucked.

Jon: That’s just because you’re a delinquent. They won’t do that to me. Right?

Dick: Hi, Jon.

Jon (alone in the barn feeding the cows at night): SHIT. Oh. Hey…Dick?

Dick: That boy is a CHILD. You better stay away from him.

Jon: I take it Damian told you.

Dick: Worst day of my life.

Jon: That feels dramatic.

Dick: HE’S A BABY.

Jon: He is 17.

Dick: Jonathan Kent I will end you. (disappears into the night)

Jason: Hey.

Jon (walking alone in an alley): …hey, Jason.

Jason: Would you take a bullet for him?

Jon: Who..?

Jason: If you have to ask then the answer is no.

Jon: Is this about Damian?

Jason: …maybe.

Jon: I have done worse than take a bullet for him.

Jason (pulling his gun out of its holster): Prove it.

Jon (checking his email): Huh what’s this from…123nottimdrake@yahoo.com?

Email: Dear Jonathan, I have hacked into all of your personal social media accounts and personally examined everyone you follow. Unfollow the following list of accounts, and any other that post similar SLUTISH content, or I will tell Damian.

(Jon checks all the accounts and it’s mostly his friends, all of which have at some point posted a picture of themselves in a swim suit at a pool party or the beach).

Damian (on a date with Jon): I really feel like someone’s watching me right now.

Jon (trying not to look at Nightwing, Red Hood, and Red Robin all watching from the shadows): Haha, that’s so crazy.