pepperfishh

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They didn’t make it home.

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Assassin Draco is here again, preferring to get some in the party than just watching her through a scope.

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This is just... beautiful.

Commission 💫

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“Gift Exchange 🎄”

My Dhr Advent piece for 2024. Thank for all of you that nominated me!

You can check out all other Advent art and oneshots HERE

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“Potion Partners” 🤌🧪 SFW Version

Very NOT SFW version on my P*tre0n

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prefect patrol

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now, then. i'm doctor martha jones: who the hell are you?

[pepperfishh]

The Autonomous: Chapter 17

The Autonomous: Chapter 17

“Tris.” He raises his eyebrows at me. “Did you have a good day today?”

“No actually,” I say candidly. “I had a shit day today. How about you?”

His eyes harden a bit. He grabs my arm and starts down the hall, dragging me behind him.

“See, I felt like my day started out pretty well. I thought I was going to have a good day. And then, right before lunchtime, I hear about a commotion with the fear landscapes. When I go to look for the person responsible for said commotion, she is nowhere to be found.” He turns his head as he’s walking to glare at me. “Would you like to explain that?”

I give him an odd kind of grin, shining my teeth at him. “Which part?”

“All parts, Tris!” Involuntarily, I flinch back from him, pulling my arm out of his grip. I come to a stop in the hallway, staring at him. I take in my surroundings and a bit of panic sets in when I realize I don’t know where I am.

“Where are we, Eric?” My voice is low, and I’m horrified to realize I’m shaking.

“Woah, hey, I’m just taking you to my office. Chill.” He reaches back out for me, but I step back.

“Don’t,” I warn him. “Go, I’ll follow you.”

He gives me a small nod and waits for me to walk closer to him. We walk side by side to wherever his office is. We pass several doors before he finally stops and opens one wide, ushering me inside.

He sits behind a desk and motions for me to take a seat across from him.

“Okay, so let’s see…” he goes quiet for a moment, thinking. “Let’s start backwards. Where the hell have you been?”

“I took a walk,” I say simply. “I just kind of kept going. I ended up in the commons and just blew off some steam. Fell asleep in the shade and woke up when the sun was already down, so I caught the train back.”

He nods, but still looks a little skeptical. “Alright. And why did you run away?”

“I didn’t run away,” I hissed at him. “I left before I killed someone. You should really be applauding me on my self-control.”

He gives me a look. “And who were you going to kill?”

I shrug. “I didn’t have anyone particular in mind at the time.” Lie.

That was apparently not believable. “Yeah? Cause your boyfriend was sporting a bit of a bruise on his cheek when I talked to him.” I don’t even blink. “Oh, come on, Tris. I’d have to be blind to not see what’s going on between you and Four.”

“Oh, then please explain it to me,” I say calmly. “Because I’m not aware of anything.”

“Look, whatever happened, he’s been intolerable to deal with all day; more so than usual, anyway. The only reason I knew to wait at the net is because he caught you on the cameras in the commons getting on the train.” I’m glad I got on from the commons and not Erudite. “Can’t you guys just kiss and make up?”

“Four can go fuck himself,” I snap, my voice louder than I had intended. Too loud, I guess, because the door to Eric’s office opened and said asshole slid through the opening and stood by the door.

Eric eyes me expectantly. I hold his stare. “I stand by what I said, he can go. Fuck. Him. Self.” Surprise falls over Eric’s features, like he expected me to breakdown once I actually saw him.

“Okay, okay children,” Eric says. “Let’s talk rationally. Four, stop hovering in my doorway and just sit.” I lean forward in my chair, out of his reach, as he walks behind me to get to the chair on the other side of mine. Maybe I’m being pedantic; I don’t care.

He flashes me a hurt look as he sits down. I don’t care. I don’t.

“Four, would you like to begin?” Eric sounds like he’s arbitrating a damn primary school disagreement.

He takes a breath and starts. “The initiates went through random pieces of Lauren’s fear landscape today. Tris did very poorly on hers and got upset when I gave her a hard time for it.” Um, excuse me. “And then she slapped me and stormed out.”

I slam the knife that had been up my sleeve into the wooden armrest on my chair. They both snap their heads towards me.

“Oops.”

Tobias is glaring at me like I’m acting insane. Maybe I am. Anger feels safer than fear, though, so I’m going to keep going with it.

“Is there something you’d like to add, Tris?” Eric asks calmly. I open my mouth angrily, but he cuts me off. “First, give me the rest of them,” he orders, holding his hand out. I try to look at him innocently, but he shakes his head. “Nah, I’ve never seen you absconding with less than three.”

I prop my foot up on the edge of his desk, pull out a knife, and set it on his desk. I repeat the same motion with my other foot.

“Now continue,” he orders. “What am I missing here?”

I take a deep breath, willing myself to be calm. Okay, a couple deep breaths. Once I’m convinced I’m calm and my hands are no longer shaking, I speak.

“Four very conveniently left out the part where I did poorly because I drew the short straw and landed Lauren’s fear of kidnapping.” Eric’s eyes widened in understanding. “So less than 72 hours after I’m blindfolded, kidnapped, attacked, sexually assaulted,” the words came out in almost a choke, “and thrown into the chasm, I find myself in a dark room with a bunch of hands holding me down, covering my mouth, and trying to carry me away.” I got away from myself at the end a bit, so I take another deep breath. “I’m sorry. Despite my best efforts, I do in fact still have emotions and it was a little overwhelming. Particularly when the main fucking perpetrator was in the same room and I still have his fucking bitemarks on me.”

Eric’s eyes slide down my face to my neck. I pull my hood up – not over my head but folded over against my neck and pull it forward as far as I can. They have fucking pictures that ended up being useless anyway. He doesn’t need to look at me like that.

“Tris,” starts Tobias, his voice sounding broken. “I’m sorry. I didn’t make the connection. I didn’t realize-”

“I give zero fucks,” I say cutting him off before he can finish. I don’t want to listen to him over there sounding sad after what he said this morning.

Eric looks almost amused, now, though. That’s worrisome. He grins at me.

“That’s not why your mad.”

“It’s not?” I ask incredulously. “Oh, I’m sorry. Why don’t you tell me why I’m upset then, oh all knowing?”

He laughs. “Oh, I don’t know. But I know that’s not it.” He leans forward and hold my gaze. “You freaked out on me in the hallway when I scared you. You didn’t hit me. You flinched and retreated. Immediately.”

“What happened?” interrupts Four, looking between the two of us. Then, his voice dangerously low, “What did you do, Eric?”

I snap. “None of your damn business.” Eric’s grin somehow gets bigger and he’s still looking at me, waiting. “What, precisely, did you say, Four?” I ask without looking away from Eric.

I slide my eyes to the side slightly and catch him cringe. Good. Feel bad about it.

“I believe I told you to get yourself together. And called you pathetic,” he says weakly.

Eric almost looks upset, but I speak before he gets the chance to. “Before that,” I urge him. I turn slightly and he looks confused. “Before that, you said something else. What did you yell, very loudly in the middle of the class, as you yanked me off the floor while I was trying to bring myself out of a panic attack?”

He’s silent and looks confused. Does he really not remember?

I guess I have to remind him. “What the hell was that, Stiff?”

“Oh, fuck, Tris, I get that it’s derogatory, but that’s what you’re mad at?” asks Eric, incredulous. “Fuck, it should mean even less coming from him.” Oh, so Eric knows about him.

I grip the knife that’s sticking out of my armrest until my knuckles turn white. “You two are two of the three people here that know my name and where I transferred from.” I rip the knife out and point it and Eric, “You, by some kind of freak coincidence that I’m still not super comfortable with” I spin and flip the knife in my hand toward Tobias. “And you, because you waited until I was completely smashed to get it out of me and then made the connection.”

Eric falls back in his seat like he doesn’t know what to say.

“Tris,” Tobias starts. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’ll be fine. I’m sure no one will remember anything except the part where you slapped me.”

I shrug and stand up. Four does the same but leans back against the wall so he’s facing me when I back up to the door.

“Maybe you’re right,” I say evenly. “I really just thought of all people, you would understand me not wanting everyone to know who I am, Tobias.”

I don’t look at him to see his reaction. But I almost crack a smile when I look at Eric instead. He looks like a kid in a candy shop, he’s so weirdly excited. I guess because I know about Tobias now. I don’t know.

“Can I go now, Eric? I’m really fucking tired.” He nods at me.

“Tris, wait, can we talk?”

I keep my back to him as I open the door. “I have spent the last ten weeks here proving myself. Ten weeks of biting my tongue while Peter sits in the dorms and reads fucking Erudite garbage pieces about my parents abusing me and my brother and I said nothing to defend them. My father’s a councilmember. Do you know how easy it is for them to put it all together if they want? And you know Peter will. There is nothing you can say right now that makes this better.”

“Tris,” calls Eric, grabbing my attention. His voice turns serious for the first time since Tobias and I started arguing. “You and I still need to have a conversation.” He looks pointed at the spot on my shirt that has a hidden tattoo on it.

I give him a huge, fake smile. “Looking forward to it, Eric. But not tonight.” And then I run out the door.

I make it back to the Pit before I realize I have nowhere to go. I still don’t trust the dormitories. I find my way to the dining hall and lay flat on one of the benches. Thrilled I managed to still get out of Eric’s office with one of the knives, I stretch my arm over my head, knife in my hand and fall asleep.

…

As I slowly regain consciousness, I groan in pain. Sleeping on the bench wasn’t the most comfortable, but I guess it works. I slowly pull my eyes open and jump to my feet at the shadow hovering next to me.

Tobias stares down at me unflinchingly, eyeing the knife at his throat. I pull my arm back and slide it back up my sleeve as I cough out a “sorry”.

“You slept here,” he admonishes me. He shakes his head. “You are ridiculously stubborn, you know that?”

“Don’t pretend we’re friends, Four. What do you want?”

He keeps his face expressionless as he motions towards the table. “Can we sit and talk for a minute?”

Sensing I’m not getting out of it this time, I drop to the seat and scoot over to make room for him.

“I am sorry,” he says. “I honestly don’t even remember saying it. You are perfectly justified in your anger. I just wanted the chance to apologize.”

“Okay, great, apology accepted. Now what?”

He eyes me hesitantly. “You’re still angry.”

“Anger is easier right now, so I’m going with it.”

“Easier than what?” he asks.

“Blind panic,” I snap at him.

“Look, as you said, if anyone understands the desire for privacy, it’s me. But it will blow over. It did for me.”

“That’s not the point,” I reply, irritated. He looks at me, waiting for me to expand on that. “Why were you acting like such an asshole yesterday, anyway?” I know the answer, but I want to hear him say it.

“If anyone knew something was going on between us, everything you accomplish will be called into question. You’re currently ranked first. I didn’t want to jeopardize that for you.”

I nod. “Yeah, see, I figured that.” He looks relieved. “Except, there hasn’t been anything going on between us. And you kind of treated me like shit before, but you weren’t unreasonably cruel. Do you have any idea how suspicious you looked completely ignoring my presence and then just losing your damn mind on me? I think you overcorrected just a tad.”

He blushes. “I may have been a little angry, yesterday, as well,” he admits.

“Why?”

“Uriah,” he says, looking uncomfortable. “You looked awful cozy with Uriah.”

“You got jealous,” I say blankly. “Over the younger brother of one of your friends, who hasn’t left my side because…  let’s be so honest here – someone said something to them. Will, Christina, and Uriah. I don’t know if it was you, or Eric, or maybe Uriah’s brother. But one of you said something. Because they’ve been practically permanently attached to me.”

He runs his hand through his hair nervously. “I may have. And it wasn’t that I was jealous of Uriah.” He pauses to find the words. “It was the situation in general. I wanted to be able to come sit down next to you. And I couldn’t.”

“I get it,” I say finally. “I do. But…” I trail off. I still can’t get over it.

“What, Tris, what can I do?”

“I don’t know,” I say sadly. “I trust no one. Hell, I told you that a few days ago. That I was still hesitant about you. But the first private thing you learn about me, you get angry over something that wasn’t even my fault, and you shout my secret out to the entire class. I don’t know what you can do.”

I chance a look over at him and he looks heartbroken. I don’t like it. I hate it, actually.

“I didn’t think it would affect you this way,” he says desperately. “I think I forget that I can hurt you. That you are even capable of being hurt.”

It sounds like complete bullshit to me, as I sit here covered in bruises and other injuries. But he’s not lying to me.

“Look, just give me some time to calm down, okay,” I offer. “We’ll talk later.” I stand up. “I’m going to go get cleaned up before breakfast. I’ll see you later.”

[pepperfishh]

anyone who told you much ado about nothing is good and worth watching was RIGHT and you should listen to them

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iwryfanficmarathon's 20th anniversary

bangel + locations ↳ the mansion

[pepperfishh]

i like seeing you at bedtime.

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buffy + wearing her cross necklaces backwards around angel

[pepperfishh]

BUFFY/ANGELUS + "LOVER" 2.14, 2.18, 2.19, 2.21, 2.22

[pepperfishh]

Are you ever going to update the autonomous 😭😭

I am, I swear! I’m an accountant and I have like… 2 more days of tax season. I’m just always drowning in work this time of year.

[pepperfishh]

Bangel + Genuinely Enjoying Each Other's Company 💞

[pepperfishh]

The Autonomous: Chapter 16

The Autonomous: Chapter 16

I wake up to the sound of running water the next morning. When I open my eyes, the room is filled with sunlight. I stretch lightly, trying to ignore the pain it causes, and sit up. Tobias is absent from the floor, so I assume that’s him in the shower.

The pipes creak as the water shuts off, and only a few minutes later, he exits the bathroom fully dressed, rubbing a towel against his hair.

“Hey,” he greets me, seeing me awake. “You can go ahead. I’ll grab you something to wear.”

I nod shyly and slide past him into the bathroom.

When I exit, he pulls me into his arms and wraps me tightly in a hug.

“I meant to ask,” he starts quietly. “You said you hadn’t seen me since my mother’s funeral.” I nod. “Did I know you? Back in Abnegation, I mean.”

“Not really,” I say. “I went with my parents to your house frequently; mostly for dinner and the like, but you were never there. But I remember the funeral; I remember you looked sad outside and I was too young to really understand what the adults were doing, so I just came over and sat by you until my parents took me home.”

He’s giving me the strangest look, trying to remember, and then finally, “Prior,” he breathes out. “Beatrice Prior. Your parents are Andrew and Natalie.” I nod shyly at him. “Yeah, your father’s on the council so your parents were close with Marcus.” He gives me a wide smile. “You’ve changed a lot.”

I don’t know why, but the way he says it makes me blush.

…

I enter the dining hall alone and take my seat next to Uriah, across from Will and Christina. Christina looks at me and her eyes glide up and down my body and a smirk breaks out across her face.

“You look like you’re in a good mood,” she teases. “And you didn’t sleep in the dorm last night.”

I throw a glare her way, but she keeps smiling. “I’m not sleeping in that dorm while Peter is still there.”

“Oh,” Will says. “Well, I mean, that makes sense. Right Christina?”

She’s not convinced. “Mmmhm. So where did you sleep last night? And who’s sweater is that?”

Uriah wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Hey, give her a break. The girl deserves a little bit of happiness after what she’s been through.”

“Thank you, Uriah,” I say sweetly. I turn to look at him as Tobias finally enters. His eyes dial in on me, or, more so, Uriah’s arm, and he glares as he takes a seat next to Uriah’s brother.

I frown. What was that about?

“You alright?” asks Uriah, but it’s mumbled because he has a mouth full of food.

“So, today’s fear landscape day,” says Will. “Ready to face your fears?”

“It’s actually an instructor’s landscape. My brother told me,” Uriah replies. Having him around is really useful; also, it’s not fair how much more information he gets.

“Ooh, which instructor?” Christina asks eagerly, perking up.

“Why does it matter?” Will asks.

“I hope it’s Four’s landscape.” Christina is practically bursting at the seams at the thought of it.

“Why?” The question comes out too incredulous and I wish I could take it back.

“Oh, now you’re paying attention.” She rolls her eyes. “Come on, you don’t want to know? He acts so tough; he must be overcompensating. I’ll bet he’s afraid of marshmallows and sunsets.”

I snort into my drink. “There’s no way it will be him.”

Her eyes stare at me knowingly. “How would you know?”

I shrug. “Just a guess.”

There’s no way Tobias would let an entire class of initiates see that. I follow Christina’s eyes and find her staring at Tobias. As if he can feel it, his eyes shift to mine for just a second. His stare is unfeeling; then he looks away.

The Dauntless born instructor, Lauren, is who has volunteered her fear landscape today.

“Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your landscape. That’s the average,” she explains. “But we don’t really have time for each one of you to practice through your entire landscape. So, you’ll each practice with one of mine.”

Lynn speaks up and asks what the lowest number on record is.

I can’t help but grin to myself as Lauren answers.

“In recent years, four.”

He has his eyes trained on the floor when I slide mine over to him. I knew four was low, but I didn’t realize it was less than half of average. And he tried to tell me that he wasn’t cut out for Dauntless; he’s exceptional. And for some reason, he won’t look at me.

I hope he doesn’t think this is making him less conspicuous; he’s gone from picking on me extra to not even acknowledging my existence. Talk about a complete one eighty.

Lauren assigns each of us random fears. Will fights off spiders, Uriah is trapped in an invisible box, and Peter gets stuck with public humiliation. Then it’s my turn.

I don’t even flinch this time as Lauren inserts the needle.

I got kidnapping.

The ground turns to glass and hands grab my arms; another one is over my mouth. It’s too dark to see anything.

I’m next to the chasm, the water roaring in the background. I scream into the hand as I fight to free myself, but the arms are too strong.

All I can see is my fall into the chasm. Although the scenario is different, it’s similarities have me trapped in my own nightmare and I can practically feel Peter’s hands on me, his teeth on my neck, his hands around me neck as I struggle for air.

I scream until I can’t anymore.

“Turn it off,” a stern voice says.

The hand disappears, no one is touching me. I’m on my knees on the cement floor, shaking. I press my hands to my thighs, trying to calm myself.

I lost it. In the middle of class; where everyone saw me. Tobias saw me. I lost all sense; all logic.

I hear footsteps come towards me and Tobias grabs my arm and wrenches me to my feet.

“What the hell was that, Stiff?”

I freeze.

“What the fuck did you just say?” The hostility in my tone doesn’t phase him.

“Get yourself together! That was pathetic.”

I snap. My hand whips up and I smack him so hard my hand burns. He stares at me, one side of his face bright red, and I stare back.

“Did he call her Stiff?” I hear someone whisper behind me. I’m enraged.

“It hasn’t even been three days. Sorry.” I rip my arm out of his grasp. “Fuck you, Four.” And I all but run out of the room.

I get back to the dorm and change clothes into something all black. Boots, pants, shirt, and jacket with a hood. I make sure I have the slip of paper my mother handed me and creep down the halls to the training room. The knives are still out on the table; I slip a couple in my boots and one up my sleeve, and then pull my hood up as I slip outside.

I have to get there completely unseen, so I start searching the streets for the sign. And then I find it. It’s hard to see, but there are stairs leading underground. The city has an underground train; my mother once called it a subway. It hasn’t been used in centuries, but the massive unground tunnels will still be there and most people are completely unaware.

I pull out the small electronic communicator that I always keep on me and type in a code. I type in the code that my mother gave me for the contact in Erudite and send a message.

Looking for Fahim. This is Allegiant. I’m on for today if you are.

The reply is swift.

Heard, Allegiant. ETA?

I’m walking. It will take a while. It’d give it two hours.

I pull my jacket tighter as I descend to the underground. At least I accomplished convincing Peter that I’m not a threat today. Now I’m a joke.

The longer I walk, the angrier I get at Tobias. Not only does he treat me like absolute shit; like he doesn’t know that less than 72 hours ago, I literally lived the fear landscape I was going through. Only worse.

But within 24 hours of finding out who I actually am, he calls me a Stiff, outing me to the entire class.

And he didn’t even look sorry. Not even a little bit.

I shouldn’t have let myself get close to him. Tori and my mother told me not to trust anyone; I should have listened.

The sun is starting to set by the time I get to Millenium Park. I see a figure standing in the shadows of a tree. There aren’t any cameras in view.

I approach slowly, and when I’m close enough, I call out, “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me.”

“I am a free human being with an independent will,” comes his reply. We come face to face and he looks surprised.

“You’re young,” he comments. “Are you still a dependent?”

I roll my eyes at him. “No. And my age doesn’t matter. If you need to get somewhere that you’re not supposed to be, I’m your girl. I’ve spent years studying maps of that place.”

He seems to not believe me but follows me nonetheless as I lead him back to the subway.

“This will lead us further into Erudite and keep us out of sight,” I tell him.

He looks around in awe. “How did you know this was here? What is it?”

“I told you; I know this city well.”

As we walk, he tells me what building and floor he needs to get into. He tells me he can disable the cameras nearby but has no way to unlock the door.

“How long will you need once you’re in?” I ask.

“Hopefully not too long,” he says. “Once I find the program, it won’t take long to wipe.”

Night has fallen by the time we reach Erudite and he leads me to the building. The room is a corner office on the 6th floor. I notice an apartment building next to it, and the apartments have balconies.

“Okay, get inside. Be ready outside the door in twenty minutes. I’ll be opening it from the inside.” That surprises him a bit, but he goes with it.

I run down the street to find a warehouse full of technology. If I’m not mistaken, the last time I crept around here, there was something subsonic that would cut a hole in a window.

I find it quickly and run back out. Six stories isn’t a terrible climb with balconies. I jump back and forth between them until I reach the seventh floor; I want to give myself room to fall.

I click a switch on the sonic device and throw it at the window. A few seconds later, a hole with a two-foot diameter opens.

That’s still a small target from this high up. I balance on the edge of the balcony and take a deep breath, actually diving, hands first, towards the hole.

I slide in perfectly and roll to my feet on the floor, a knife in hand as I take a defensive pose. The room is empty, and no alarms seem to have been triggered. I guess they don’t expect an attack from the window on the sixth floor. I make my way to the door and slowly push it open, a sigh of relief escaping me as I see Fahim on the other side waiting.

He hurries in and I close the door behind him and barricade myself against it.

“Okay, I say, do what you need to do.”

He stands bent over the computer, his fingers moving on the keys like nothing I’ve ever seen. Or heard. God that clacking was noisy.

I hear footsteps in the hall and tense.

“Fahim….”

“Almost there,” he whispers. “Hang on, hang on. Got it!”

We can’t leave the room; someone is right outside the door.

“It’s a six-foot gap to the next building,” I say. “Can you make that jump?”

“Six foot and six stories,” he hisses fearfully.

“The height doesn’t matter if you can make the width.” I pull him towards the window.

“Can you make the hole bigger?”

I nod and slam the hilt of my knife to the edge, chipping away at the edges of the hole I made until he can stand in it.

“Okay, I think I can make this.”

“Then jump,” I snap at him, waving my hands.

He takes a few steps back to get a running start and then takes a dive out the window. I watch as he lands on the fifth-floor balcony across from us. Perfect. I follow him out and my stomach hits the railing, knocking the wind out of me. He grabs my hands and pulls me back over.

We hear a commotion in the office and I pull him down under the railing, out of sight. After a few minutes it quiets down, and I peek my head over the railing to check.

“Okay, we’re clear.”

It takes a little extra time to get him down from the balcony; he’s not quite as comfortable as I am leaping from the sky, but we make it eventually.

He extends his hand out to me. “I guess age doesn’t matter. You were amazing. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

I grin and shake his hand. “Being small is a huge advantage when you need to be sneaky,” I say, laughing.

We part ways and I take the subway tunnel back to the commons. Once get back on ground level, I make for the train tracks and start climbing the pole. Exhaustion is rapidly creeping up on me and I do have it in me to walk all the way back to Dauntless.

As soon as I’m safely on the train, I pull out my communication device and send another message.

Just sending notification that Fahim and Allegiant have completed assignment from Governor.

The train is closing in on Dauntless when I see the reply.

Well done, my dear. I’m proud of you.

I can’t hold back the small smile as I slide it back into my pocket and then take a running leap off the train, landing on the roof.

It feels like second nature now, and I don’t even hesitate to step onto the ledge and drop into the darkness below.

Despite the net, all the jumping and falling catches up to me a bit, and upon landing, I just lay still for a moment, gathering my bearings. I wonder briefly if I can sleep here.

Then the net moves and I feel myself rolling to the side; my feet plant on the floor quickly before I can fall, but I stumble into someone.

Shit. I wince and look to see Eric, standing there with his hand on the net.

“Heyyyyy Eric,” I say cautiously. “How’s it going?”

--

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will." - Charlotte Bronte

[pepperfishh]

The Autonomous: Chapter 15

The Autonomous: Chapter 15

Eventually I make my way back to Tori once the crowd dies down in the Pit. I pick up an example of script and show it to her.

“This script, but the words “Trust no one. Save yourself.” On my arm, if you could?”

Tori just shrugs and nods. “I think you’re getting addicted to the needle, kid,”

“The more I have, the less attention anyone pays to one specific one,” I explain to her. “I just keep adding a little at a time.”

“That’s actually… a really good point, Tris.”

I grin at her. “Sometimes I do, in fact, know what I’m talking about.”

As Tori finishes up, Will and Christina appear from wherever she had dragged him off to shop. She loops her arm through mine.

“You ready to get back? We should get to bed.” Christina gives me an expecting look.

I am not sleeping in that room. Probably ever again.

“Um…” I glance around, trying to come up with an excuse that’s not borne out of fear. I catch movement to the right side of the pit, and a dark shadow climbs towards the glass ceiling. The lithe steps tell me it’s Four. “Actually, I’ll catch up with you guys later. I need to talk to Four about something.” I point towards the shadow walking up the path.

She argues only for a moment before giving me a strange look and leaving with Will. Once they’re out of sight, I jog lightly to catch up with him. When I reach the top, he’s standing on the opposite side of the glass room, at the door to the fear landscape.

He doesn’t look up, but with his hand on the doorknob, calls out, “Since you’re here, you might as well go in with me.”

I’m not nearly as stealthy as I thought. “Into your fear landscape?”

He nods.

“I can do that?”

He explains how it works, but I don’t really care.

I follow him into the room.

“You would let me see that?” A strange feeling is settling in the pit of my stomach.

“Why else do you think I’m going in?” He almost looks shy. He won’t look at me. “There are some things I want to show you.”

He holds out the syringe and I tilt my head. I only feel a slight prick as the needle goes in; I’m getting used to it at this point. Then he hands me the other syringe and tilts his head. I look between him and the syringe hesitantly, and he taps his finger to a spot on his neck, the instruction clear.

He offers me his hand, and as I slide my fingers between his, I realize he had two syringes. He knew I would follow him; he did plan this.

“See if you can figure out why they call me Four,” he says.

“Well, what’s your real name?”  I ask.

A haunted look falls over his face. “I think you’ll figure that out too.”

The wind starts blowing. I lean against Four to stay on my feet; I’m almost too light to not be blown away. His hand releases mine and then slides around my shoulders. It’s not for me though. I remember the Ferris wheel; he’s afraid of h eights. He seems to be having trouble breathing.

“So, we jump?” I ask him. And he nods.

“Okay, together then.” I grip his hand tightly and count to three. I sprint to the edge of the building, dragging him behind me, and then jump, pulling him down with me. The scene changes, and I’m on my hand and knees on the floor, grinning as I remember why I chose Dauntless.

“What’s next?”

Something solid hits my back and I groan a little in pain. I slam into Four as walls appear all around us. Four is slouched over to fit.

“Confinement,” I muse.

I’m pushed up against his chest and he makes guttural noise, groaning like he’s in pain. I pull back and look at him; he’s not doing well.

“Hey, it’s okay, here, just…” I guide his arms around my body so he has more space. He clutches himself to me. His cheek is practically pressed against mine and I wonder if he even notices how hot my face must feel.

“See, at least you’re trapped with someone small.” He makes some kind of strained grunt of agreement, I think.

“Okay, we can’t break out; so, we face it. Do we make the space smaller?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, let’s go.” I squeeze his waist and pull him down into a crouch with me. It’s not quite working once we’re crouched, so I turn in his arms, my spine against his chest. Our limbs are kind of jumbled together.

“This is worse,” he rasps out as the ceiling inches closer to us.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, arms around me.” He slips his arms around my waist, and I tell myself that this is not enjoyable. He’s still hyperventilating behind me. “You said it measures your fear response. So, we have to calm your heart rate.”

“That easy, huh?” His lips touch my ear as he speaks, and I’m glad that it’s not my heart that the simulation is checking for right now.

“You know, most boys wouldn’t exactly hate this setup right now.” I say it in a playful tone, hoping to try to distract him.

“Not when they’re claustrophobic, Tris.” Okay, I’m going to excuse him for snapping at me like that because he sounds panicked and it’s not his fault.

“Okay, okay,” I take a deep breath in preparation for what I’m about to do. I take his hand and guide it to my chest, over my heart. “Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?”

“Yes.”

“Feel how steady it is?”

“It’s pretty fast, actually,” he comments.

“Yeah, well, that’s not because of the box.” I guess that backfired. “Focus on the rise and fall of my chest. Each time I breathe, you breathe.”

He complies and after a few seconds, I say, “Okay, that seems to help. Talk to me. Um… where did this fear come from? Maybe talking about it will help.”

“Um,” he takes a deep breath in sync with me, “this comes from being locked in a closet as a child. It was a punishment.”

That sounds fucking awful. I’m actually pretty sure that’s child abuse.

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

I get that. “Okay, then ask me something,” I offer.

He laughs breathily in my ear. “Okay. Why is your heart racing, Tris?”

“Ask me something else,” I say immediately, and he laughs again, but says nothing, waiting.

“I’m crammed up against you in a small box, Four,” I say. “We barely know each other.”

He pauses, considering that for a moment, before asking another question. “If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?”

“I’m not afraid of you.”

“Of course you’re not.” He almost sounds like he’s smiling now. That’s good. “But that’s not what I meant.”

My mind drifts to the dream I had earlier this afternoon during my nap. “Maybe,” I offer up. “I’m actually not sure what would be in my fear landscape right now.”

The walls break apart, but Four doesn’t move. After a moment, it starts becoming hard to breathe. I can’t focus. The physical walls are no longer closing in, but the room seems to be closing in on my vision. I’m frozen.

“Tris?” His voice sounds concerned.

“Can you, uh…” I stutter, not even sure what I’m trying to ask. I almost fall forward to create space. “Space,” I gasp out. “I just need a minute.”

His arms drop and he jumps to his feet, taking a step back to watch me. I refuse to meet his eyes; I don’t want to see the pity I’m sure is present.

When my senses finally return to me, I take a deep breath and push myself off the floor.

“What’s next?” I ask, trying to sound upbeat as I turn to look at him. He looks to the side of the room, and I see a woman pointing a gun at us. She’s motionless. A table appears next to us with a gun and a single bullet. I’m confused for a moment; why isn’t she shooting?

Oh. It’s not a fear for his life. It’s the fear of taking one.

“You have to kill her,” I say softly. He nods.

“I know it’s not real, but it feels real,” he sighs. “And the more I do it and tell myself it’s not real, I feel like I’m just conditioning myself for when it is.” He takes a deep breath. “It’s fine. This one isn’t as bad. Less panic involved.”

He picks up the gun and loads the bullet in the chamber – without thought, like it’s a habit. He takes aim at her and inhales. As he releases the breath, he pulls the trigger and her head whips back.

We both stare at her for a long moment, before I grab his arm. “Come on,” I say, “Let’s go.”

An odd thought crosses my mind as we move to the next scene. These are supposed to be your worst fears. He seemed… okay, with that last one. Number three, as we move to number four. It seems like the simulation is really struggling to find fears within him.

“Here it is,” he whispers. I turn around and look at the landscape of the scene; we’re in Abnegation.

A dark figure creeps along the wall. As he emerges in the light, wearing the grey clothes of my family, I’m startled.

“Marcus,” I breathe out.

“Here’s the part where you figure out my name.” I’ve never seen this Four. His voice is shaking. He’s terrified.

Marcus walks slowly towards us, and everything starts to come together. Marcus had a son who defected to Dauntless. The son I never saw again or heard from again after I sat by him at his mother’s funeral.

I blink as the realization hits me so hard I almost fall over from the pain spreading from my chest; I don’t understand where the pain comes from, but…

“I haven’t seen you since your mother’s funeral,” I whisper softly. “I always wondered…”

“Tobias,” Marcus says lowly. He is in front of us with a belt curled around his fists. As he unwinds it, he continues, “this is for your own good.”

Suddenly, a dozen Marcus clones surround us, moving in unison. His eyes are cruel – empty blank pits of nothing.

I glance at Four, or, Tobias, I guess, and he’s frozen. I’ve never seen him cower from anything, but his posture sags and as Marcus yanks his arm back in preparation to strike, I’m horrified to see Tobias shrink back and throw his hands up to cover his face.

I rush to stand in front of him, turning and catching the crack of the belt around my out thrown arm. Pain radiates to my elbow as the belt wraps around it. I pull my arm as hard as I can, and Marcus loses his grip on the belt.

I swing at him and the belt strikes him back. Marcus yells, enraged, and lunges for me. I feel Tobias’s hands on my shoulders; he pulls me behind him to stand between me and Marcus. He looks angry now; the fear is gone.

The scene fades away and we’re back in the unaltered fear landscape room.

“Four fears?” I ask incredulously. “Seriously, only four?” I look over my shoulder at him. “Oh. I guess it makes sense.”

As I take in his expression, I stop. He’s staring at me with wide eyes, his lips parted just a breath. I would almost describe it as awe, but that makes no sense. He wraps his hand around my elbow; his eyes meet mine, searching for something. He must find it, because he tugs me towards him. His lips brush lightly against my cheek and then he tightens his arms around my shoulders and buries his face into my neck, exhaling shuddering breaths against my collarbone.

“We got through it,” I say softly, trying to comfort him.

He lifts his head to look at me and slips his fingers through my hair.

“You got me through it,” he says.

I shrug as much as I can while wrapped in his arms. “Well, it’s easy to be brave when they’re not my fears.”

He steps back from me and slides one arm from behind me back down to take my hand. His fingers lace through mine.

“Come on,” he says. “I have something else to show you.”

There’s something in the back of my mind; I can’t place it, but there’s something about what Tobias has just shown me that makes me irrationally angry, and not at his father.

We walk hand in hand toward the Pit. I’ve never understood the appeal to handholding, but right now, but then he runs the tip of one of his fingers down my palm and I shiver. Maybe I get it now.

He leads me along a narrow path that leads to the bottom of the chasm. I’ve never even noticed it before now. He seems to know all the shortcuts around here.

“Are you ever going to tell me your aptitude test results?”

“You’re really on that, aren’t you?”

“I want to know.” My tone is insistent. Is he like me? Is that why he knows?

“Are you going to tell me yours?” he throws back at me.

“Just because you don’t believe me doesn’t mean it wasn’t true,” I quip. “I told you, I got Dauntless.”

As we reach the end of the path, he finds a relatively flat rock to sit on and lowers himself, his feet dangling over the edge. I sit beside him.

“My result was Abnegation,” he finally says.

“Oh.”

I’m disappointed. Did he get an Abnegation like I got a Dauntless? Was Abnegation just one of his results?

“Then why Dauntless?”

“Out of necessity.”

“No, I mean, I get it,” I assure him. “You had to get away from your dad. But there are three other factions you could have gone to. Abnegation to Dauntless isn’t an easy adjustment.” He gives me a look. “Yeah, but I was following my test results.” The look on his face tells me he still doesn’t believe that, but I can’t exactly tell him that I’ve been training for Dauntless for the last decade because I’m a part of a secret society that’s planning to overthrow the government. Instead, I say, “Is that why you keep turning down leadership roles? Because you might have to deal with Abnegation leadership?”

“That,” he shrugs, “and I’ve always felt like I don’t quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, at least.”

I jerk my head back and look at him. “You’re joking! But you’re incredible.” I clear my throat. “I mean, by Dauntless standards – you were top ranked in your year; you only have four fears. Also, every single initiate is terrified of you.”

He looks down at me with a shadow of a smile. “Every initiate is afraid of me?” he asks, taunting me.

“Yes,” I respond firmly.

“Tris.” He rolls his eyes. “You’re not afraid of me.”

“Sometimes I am,” I admit. “I’m still trying to figure it out.” The conversation has turned heavier than I expected.

He seems to sense this. “See, I have this theory that bravery and selflessness aren’t that different. You and I were brought up to care more about everyone else than ourselves. So, in dangerous situations, it becomes bravery by caring more about everyone else than ourselves. I could have fit in at Abnegation too.”

“Not me,” I said quietly. “I never fit in there in the first place. I left because I wasn’t selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried.”

“I don’t think I believe that.” He smiles at me. “That girl who let me throw knives at her to help a friend, who didn’t seem to have an issue with the closed quarters in the fear landscape until I was okay, who stood between me and my dad as it was coming to blows – that selfless girl, that’s not you?”

I’ve never thought about it that way. I’ve never paid that much attention. The fact that he apparently has… it makes me feel strange. I’ve always thought he looks at me like a little sister, but I’ve certainly never given that much thought to Caleb. It almost seems like he could feel something, well, more for me. But I’m me…

“You’ve been paying close attention, haven’t you?” My voice is quiet, almost inaudible.

“I like to observe people.”

I could let it go at that. But I’m feeling brave.

“It’s a shame you didn’t consider Candor, Four, because you’re a terrible liar.”

He sets his hand on the rock next to him, his fingers lining up with me; he’s not quite touching me, but still.

“Fine.” He turns his body towards me and leans his face closer to mine, his eyes focusing on my chin, my lips, my nose, before meeting my eyes. “I watched you because I like you.”

“But why?” I stress the last word, my voice dripping with disbelief.

He lets out a laugh and just smiles down at me.

“I mean it,” I argue. Why am I arguing? “I’m a lot younger than you, Four, and-”

“Yes, that two-year gap is just insurmountable, isn’t it? And don’t call me Four. It’s nice to hear my name again.”

“Shut up, Tobias,” I quip back. “I just don’t get it. I’m younger. I’m not pretty. I-”

A laugh falls out of him. A deep laugh that sounds like it burst out before he could stop it. He presses his lips to my temple.

“Don’t pretend,” I breath out, my face warm. “I’m not. I’m not ugly, but I’m not pretty. I’ve seen other girls here.”

“Fine. You’re not pretty.” He kisses my cheek. “I disagree, by the way, but ignoring that. I like how you look. It works for you. You’re deadly smart. You’re brave.” His voice softens. “You found out about Marcus and you’re not giving me that look like I’m a kicked puppy.”

I don’t think I could ever use those words to describe him.

“Well, you’re not,” I say simply.

His dark eyes trap mine and I can’t look away. He’s quiet for a moment, contemplative. Then his hand cups my cheek and he leans in, brushing his lips with mine. His touch is so light, I wonder if I imagined it. Then I feel him grin against my lips and he presses his mouth to mine.

I tense up at first and he pulls away quickly. I see the gears turning in his head and I can’t let him go there. I don’t want him to apologize right after he’s kissed me. Before he can say anything, I slide my hand up his neck and pull his lips back to mine. My other hand rests lightly on his back, and he holds my face in his hands.

I’m not sure how long we kiss. At some point, we stand, hand in hand and leave the Pit.

We’ve walked in silence almost the whole way and I realize he’s led us back to his apartment. I start to release his hand, but he tightens his grip.

“You’re not planning on sleeping in the dorm tonight.” It’s not a question. It’s an observation.

“No,” I confirm. “I’m not an idiot. I can’t sleep in there while Peter is still there.”

“So, what was your plan?” he asks, putting me on the spot.

“I’ll figure something out,” I say nonchalantly. I’m not lying. I’ve scoped out several place that are remote enough that I feel somewhat safe staying there overnight.

“Or,” he says, reaching forward to unlock his door and push it open. “You can stay with me.”

“No, Tobias, I-”

He pulls me lightly towards him and looks down at me. “Hey, I’ll sleep on the floor, and you can take the bed. You’re still healing; you need a good night’s sleep. Do you feel safe here?”

The “yes” slips out of my mouth and I’m shocked to find I’m not lying. I feel safe with him.

“Okay then.” He guides me into his apartment and points towards the bed. I sit on the edge while he disappears for a few moments and comes back with a pillow. He settles in on the floor next to the bed.

I have one arm hanging off the side of the bed and as my eyes fall shut, I feel his reach out and hold it.  

As I’m drifting off to sleep, the realization his me so hard that I barely stop myself from shooting up in bed; I don’t want to wake Tobias.

There are so many things my mother has told me to prepare, but one sticks out. There are people outside the city. There is a threat in the city and also a threat outside the city.

No matter what, never talk to anyone about the mission or plans unless I’m absolutely sure I can trust them.

But there are extra rules. Like if we’re discussing the threat in the city, just be aware of the cameras placed throughout the city.

Never discuss the outside threat without first verifying everyone present has the tattoo and confirmed codes. At least not inside the city. Because it was under complete surveillance.

Which means the evil outside the city could see what was happening to Tobias as a child. And they did nothing.