peter-hobler-blog

[peter-hobler-blog]

Is Vulnerability a Strength or a Weakness?

First of all, being “Vulnerable” means being connected to your feelings and emotions.

It means opening up your heart, soul, emotions, and mind. It means admitting you are wrong, that you need help, and then asking for help, guidance, and support. It means putting yourself out there, on the line.

And it can mean openly and honestly sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I remember vividly how afraid I was going through divorce that the ex would try to take my daughter away from me, try to take my assets, and worst of all refuse to let me see my daughter after the divorce.

This fear consumed me constantly, so much so that it became my main focus. No wonder things were only getting worse!

Why did things get worse? Because I was focusing on what I was most afraid of, so these things were heading toward becoming true.

When I realized what I was subconsciously doing, I got to work to gain Clarity on what I really wanted for my three-year old daughter. More than anything, I wanted to be the best parent, the best father I could be for her no matter what was going on!

Why? So I could create an environment where she was thriving, even if her mother refused to work together to co-parent.

I stepped up and out of my shell, and shared with the ex that I had committed to do my best to remain calm and to be the best dad I could be no matter what was going on between us as parents.

Why? Because I’d realized our daughter was far too important to me for me to allow myself to continue to react with anger.

This is when the underlying dynamics between the ex and me began to shift for the better.

This is also when the two of us each started to shift, setting a much more positive example for our daughter and more beneficially teaching her via our examples.

No, we didn’t always agree. Yes, we were almost always able to figure things out.

I had to learn about patience and not taking things personally.

I saw a wonderful quote a few days ago… “Patience is not waiting, patience is how you act while you are waiting.”

Realizing when the ex reacts with anger, disdain, disrespect, making accusations, and so on, this is a result of their own past experiences and conditioning, and has absolutely nothing to do with you, is life-changing. You have merely served as the trigger causing her to react in the moment.

These realizations led to lessons that changed everything for me, and especially for my now 23-year-old daughter, who is now thriving out in the real world in her first job.

Most people are afraid when they open up, they will be hurt by someone. In divorce, that someone is the ex.

Men especially tend to think vulnerability is a weakness, that they can figure things out on their own and they typically do not ask for help.

Why? I believe this is because men do not want to admit they are weak, so are afraid to be open and vulnerable.

Men are not aware that this is their ego taking over, serving as an obstacle to self-growth and subsequent change… the change it takes to be the solution to the problem.

The reality is being vulnerable requires calm, true strength of character, and courage.

When you can start to let go of the egotistical part of you that is keeping you from sharing in an open-hearted and vulnerable way, the positive impact for you and your kids can be enormous and absolutely life-shifting.

One of the greatest gifts you can ever give to your kids is to STOP your reactionary behavior, which plants seeds of emotional and psychological trauma.

Slow down. STOP blaming the ex for a moment and ask yourself, “How are things going in my divorce situation and what can I do to create a positive shift?”

Is your situation the way you’d really like it to be?

Or, like for me when I was going through my divorce, are you feeling consumed by frustration, anger, resentment, and anxiety?

Are your fears causing you to react to the ex every time the two of you interact? Is this is in turn leading her/him to react with anger towards you?

As a parent, it’s time to step up and commit to having heightened awareness and to start taking personal Responsibility for your choices, actions, and reactions, and for the consequences of each that follow.

It’s time to start making choices that have more beneficial outcomes for your children.

Think about it… When someone is being vulnerable, it makes them much more relatable, easier to listen to and to trust.

However, it’s not just dads of divorce. Often, Moms think if they are too open and vulnerable that the ex will take full advantage of them and try to hurt them even more.

And yes, this can happen. But, if it does, the worst part about it is that the kids are put in smack dab in the middle of the emotional and psychological dynamics.

It becomes a triad because it’s you, the ex, and your children.

Children are the innocent victims of divorce because they have absolutely no say in what is going on around them, and what is going on impacts them with every reactionary interaction between their parents.

I believe when divorce gets really nasty, it is almost always the result of the emotional build-up inside of you stemming from the constantly reactive behavior, accusations, and threats.

Parents caught up in their fiery emotions are very reactive. What they do NOT realize is that they are actually being completely self-centered. They are putting themselves first because they think they have been wronged by the ex.

They often end up being filled with a venomous anger, spite, and resentment.

Again, what these parents do NOT seem to understand is that the individuals most negatively impacted are their own children.

Get clear on what you really want for your kids. Then spend some time getting distinctively clear on what it will take for YOU to create it, even if the ex refuses to work with you to co-parent your children..

“It may take two to tango, but it only takes one parent to make a positive difference.”

I know you agree your children are worth it for you to be the bigger person, to be clear about what you want for them, and to be courageous, strong, open, and yes, to be vulnerable by sharing what you really want with the ex, and from your heart to ask what she/he really wants for your kids.

If you are at all like me, your children are the reason that is so much bigger than you. They need you to step up, and to STOP the reactionary behavior. They need you to be the best parent you can possibly be, and they deserve it.

This is why vulnerability is so important. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep, breath.

Hold it while you reflect on what you want for your kids.

Now exhale slowly through your mouth, and smile as you think about your kids and how much they mean to you.

For me, my 3 year old meant everything to me, and I knew in that moment of deep, self-reflection that she needed me to step up, to let go, and to commit to being the best parent, the best dad I could be for her, especially in the ways she most needed me to be there for her.

By being vulnerable, I became more relatable. This helped me to realize that I needed to forgive myself for the role I had played leading up to our divorce.

And then, that I realized I needed to forgive the ex for the role she had played. Yes, each of us had been reacting and had played major roles that led to our inevitable divorce.

Forgiveness came up for me through my being vulnerable. Forgiveness is vital because the individual most hurt by your own anger, regret, resentment, and anxiety, is you, the person in the mirror.

When you are angry or anxious, there is a negative impact on your kids.

Step up, forgive, and let go. For your sake, and for the sake of your kids.

Commit to creating an environment of divorce where your kids are thriving, even if the ex refuses to work together to co-parent your children.

These lessons have changed who I am, they have changed my life. They certainly helped to change everything for my daughter.

What is your self-realization and what is the resulting commitment that will lead to creating an environment of divorce where your children are thriving?

To glean insights on what’s going on and what you can do about it, take the free Split Harmony Quiz.

Go right now to www.theex-factor.com/quiz

I look forward to hearing what you learn, and to what you’re committed to do to change things for the sake of your kids.

[peter-hobler-blog]

What Are The Effects of Fear In Divorce?

Are you a parent going through or having already gone through divorce?

How are you doing in the realm of your divorce? What is the greatest pain you are enduring? Are you concerned about the negative effects on your children?

Are you feeling beyond frustrated, angry, and anxious because you’re worried about what the ex will do or say next to make your life more miserable? Do you feel like this is all affecting your health?

What are you most afraid of? How are you dealing with this? Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells?

Is there anything you can do that will help alleviate this overwhelming fear?

We are here to tell you, “YES, there is!”

My wife Laurie and I created The EX-Factor to help guide you to be able to create harmony after the split to nurture an environment where your children are thriving.

We have both been where you are. We’ve experienced the emotional trauma of divorce and seen the effect on our kids. We’ve worked with counselors and coaches, and we’ve done the work it takes to for personal growth. Now we’re passionately committed to be here for you, to serve as your guides, to help you navigate the turbulent waters of divorce.

Just what are the effects of fear when it comes to divorce?

Fear can be stifling because the tendency is to become consumed by your fear and it becomes your main focus. When you are unknowingly focused on your FEAR, you become more reactive.

When you gain Clarity for what you really want, you are able to develop heightened Awareness so you can stop, think things through, and start being proactive, i.e., to be rational and intentional so you can create more of what you really want, instead of more of what you do NOT want.

When you understand that what you focus on is what you get more of in return, you can create a shift to focusing on your newfound Clarity for what you DO want.

Being reactive will rarely get you more of what you really want, rather it will create more of what you do NOT want.

Think about it… when the ex suddenly gets angry at you, she/he has lost control of herself/himself, has lost control of the interaction with you, and you will never want to do what she/he wants you to do!

Likewise, when you react with anger at the ex, you have lost control of yourself, of the interaction, and the ex will never want to do what you want him/her to do!

If you’re at all like me, many of the aspects leading up to divorce came out of the blue, they were a complete shock. I was not prepared for any of it and ended up stuck in an extremely reactionary state.

I was finally able to STOP reacting after I gained true Clarity for what I really wanted for my then 3 year old daughter and the very next day STARTED to create a shift for how I handled things. Yes, I was able to stay calm and in self-control. Over the next few months, the underlying dynamics began to shift.

To gain Clarity, simply step up and go through my free Clarity Exercise. Go to:

www.theex-factor.com/clarityexercise

The password to access is “clarity1”

You are here because you have the Awareness that things can be different. Commit to follow-through for the sake of your children.

STOP being caught up in the Vicious Cycle of Subconscious Fear and START being the best parent you can be so your kids are thriving.

[peter-hobler-blog]

The Shattered Dreams of Divorce

Two of the hardest things about being a parent heading toward or having already gone through divorce are: 1) When you get married you think you have a loving partner, best friend, and soul-mate to raise your family together for the rest of your life... and then one day your dream is simply gone; and 2) Realizing the potential lifelong emotional and psychological impact on your kids, yet not knowing what to do about it.

Did you sign up for the emotional pain of divorce? The frustration, the hurt, the sorrow, the anger, the anxiety, the loss of trust, the loss of sense of family, the grief, being concerned about your kids?

Of course not! The emotional pain is overwhelming and crippling and the impact on your kids can be devastating.

Divorce is a difficult process, even if your separation is amicable.

An assumption many individuals make going into divorce is that their partner will actually be reasonable and they'll be able to work together to avoid the financial and emotional impact on them, their children, and the entire family.

One of the most tragic ironies of divorce is that often trust and integrity are replaced with resentment, anger, anxiety, and spite. It's human nature to get back at someone who has hurt you.

The tragedy of this subconscious determination is that the main people it hurts are you and your children.

So, how do you consciously change things to have a more beneficial impact?

Since the 1990's divorce rates have been increasing at an alarming rate. Among adults 50 years and up, the divorce rate has doubled. (according to statistics from the National Center for Health Statistics and US Census Bureau).

Why is the divorce rate skyrocketing?

I believe the reasons are a combination of being conditioned during childhood, a lack of awareness, and the tendency to be self-centered.

I'm not sure exactly when things started to change for my ex and me from the dream of being lifelong partners, but WOW, things did change... quickly and dramatically!

We started being together less and less, communications became minimal. We stopped doing things for each other.

We scheduled a family trip with our 3-year-old daughter, hoping the situation would improve.

Upon returning home, we immediately fell into an even darker abyss. Not long after, the ex told me to move out of the house.

I was in complete shock! Yet I was so fed up with the way things were between us that I said "okay!". I moved out, never to return "home".

It took me by surprise when a few months later the ex told me she had hoped I would fight for her, for us to be together. I was flabbergasted that she would play games during such a challenging and difficult time for us, and for our daughter.

Reflecting back to this time, I realized not only did I not want to get back together, I had NO IDEA how to navigate what would be a truly bumpy and rocky road of divorce. Neither did the ex.

The day I committed to STOP reacting with anger and to remain calm no matter what, was the day things started to change.

I began to maintain more control over my own reactive emotions. Initially I had no idea that by changing my behavior, the ex would change hers over the next few months as a result.

We certainly weren't perfect, but we definitely created some major improvement.

The most beneficial effect was on our almost 4-year-old, now 23 year old daughter.

I am grateful to God, to my ex, and to myself that our daughter turned out so well in spite of the two of us. The lessons I learned from the endless challenges of our divorce situation have had a tremendous impact on my life.

For me, change started when I realized I did NOT want to continue down the same dark path and knew I needed to gain Clarity for what I really wanted for my daughter.

This in turn spurred me to realize the importance of Forgiveness, first and foremost of myself. This helped me to let go of dark emotions consuming me and to shift the energy into my commitment to remain calm.

What can you do to learn how to let go of the dark emotions?

Learning from someone who has been where you are and not only survived, but thrived, is the best way to save time, avoid additional pain and hurt, and to figure out how to create the shift you really want for the sake of your kids.

My wife Laurie and I have each been through the pain, agony, and challenges of divorce. We have worked with counselors and coaches, read books, journaled, deepened our faith, and done the self-work.

We created The EX-Factor brand and philosophy for the sake of children of divorce... and for your sake as their parent.

Our heartfelt mission is to help loving parents like you learn how to let go of the anger, frustration, regret, resentment... and to heal the grief... so you can move forward based on the understanding that everything you say and do as a parent teaches and impacts your kids. When you gain Clarity for what you want for your kids, you can map out a plan to actually make it reality.

My book "Split Harmony: Turn The EX-Factor from Chaos to Compassion" led to our designing and creating "The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course".

The course is an online video course that guides you step by step through four proven life-based principles to create a more harmonious split environment between you and your ex for the sake of your kids, the innocent victims of divorce.

The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course

Sign up now and feel the difference tomorrow!

(Go to the Author's Resource Box for access)

STOP the unbearable Emotional Pain!

STOP the Financial Drain of the legal fees of the divorce attorneys!

Step Up and Put Your Kids First!

Let Go and Take Control... of yourself and of the underlying dynamics between you and the ex.

There is light at the end of the tunnel...

With Heartfelt Compassion,

Peter and Laurie Hobler Our Mission: To help parents of divorce create an environment of split harmony for the sake of their kids.

The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course is an online video course based on my book "Split Harmony: Turn The EX-Factor from Chaos to Compassion".

The course shares four real life-based proven principles to help you form the foundation to create a more beneficial outcome for your kids, and for you.

Sign Up Today and Feel The Difference Tomorrow.

Learn More About The Course

Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Peter_Hobler/807077

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