pettybignerd

[pettybignerd]

It’s almost been a week since I got to UB. I am a quarantine RA means me and 4 other are sharing a whole 9 floor building and take care of like 15 kids who came from hotspot states. The other 4 been super helpful, always showing me the way and including me in everything.

But I cannot live here. I miss my friends, or at least what is left of it. In last 6-7 months I almost everyone except a few. And I cannot e

[pettybignerd]

I am trying to be happy. Like I am happy but at the same time some point of the day it just hit me so hard and I am not happy for a time being.

[pettybignerd]

I miss you so much, almost every night I need to listen to music and think of you. I know you don’t feel remotely the same way and I don’t either with the current you, but I miss the shit out of the you when we were in High School

But there is so much I want to tell the current you. Why? Why you had to do it like that? Repeatedly you just stood me off. Yes I had feelings for you at a time but I valued our friendship so much more than being in a relationship with you. And you knew. I hate loosing people, it literally kills me when people who are so close to me just leaves me, and you did the same thing. You impacted my life in so many ways. For fucks sake I moved to Buffalo for you. So that I don’t have to see you no more. I can’t go to pelham park no more, cause I see two of us over there, spending so much time there, good bad both for us. Why you had to take all of that away?

Remember the time when you crying because you thought you was gonna fail US history, and yes you cried, even though you denied it. I still have the words you wrote on my yearbook and I wished things turned the way you wrote. I fucking wish man. You know what I miss the most? Our late night conversations. We both were the type not to go to sleep early. And you were one of my closest friend and on top of all, the relateable memes we shares on the tv shows. Tasnim, I miss our high school year, the time when we were so close. Remember when I got denied to Columbia and I stopped talking to people for a moment and then you told me you missed talking to me? I did too and u knew that. Know this Tasnim, I fucking miss talking to you everyday, I wish, just for even for a day, I could be with the you that I so much loved. I miss you. I told you I am over you but I am not. I still freaking love you.

When I listen to music before going to music, I think things different, the way I wished it turned out. You know what I think? The day I proposed to you, you said sorry to me but instead you say that you knew that I liked you but you kept quiet and waited for me to say it first and you liked me too. Then I hug you so tight and don’t let you go for so long, because I know in my arms is the person I know is gonna be my life partner, my best friend, my wife. And when we walk to the station I hold your hand. I still have the bracelet that I bought on my graduation to give it to you but due to our differences I could not. But I would give you sooner as a promise bracelet.

I dont know how long but every night I go to sleep thinking of you Tasnim, and today I almost texted you and ranted a whole essay but I had a feeling you dont even feel same away and just gonna creep you out. I dont even know you anymore Tasnim. But I wish I could have the Tasnim back, and the sad truth is a part of me will always love you, mim

[pettybignerd]

I still see those memories

But I don’t see the one in the memories in you no more

[pettybignerd]

It just feels so hurtfully relaxing

To listen to bag music while sleeping

Thinking about the times you don’t want to think

Rethinking scenerios that you wished happened

But do you really?

Its just a way to remember the version of them you wanted to keep

Not the person

[pettybignerd]

I just can’t stop thinking about her anymore. I know it’s temporary or I hope it is because it is wrong, she is with someone else and it is wrong, very wrong of me to want her. It must be that dream, its messing in my head.

[pettybignerd]

I tend to keep shit in me,

More recently than none

[pettybignerd]

I feel like I start liking someone again, she has a bf

Idk but I feel like m going down a bad path

I never felt abt her that way, until she came to my dreams last night

Its probably a hoax

Right?

[pettybignerd]

I sometimes look at them back

Now more than ever

[pettybignerd]

Lmaooo she fell for that???

She really does have a different type of taste

[pettybignerd]

Its been a while I wrote again. And I am proud ig, I don’t have bottled up emotions to share.

Idk today and the last few days I was tryna imagine my future would look like. You know that same boy long time ago, even in high school always saw his future spend with his family, his loving wife and kid.

But now I don’t see that no more, ngl for a longass time it was Tasnim in that future but then when I got over her I was looking at a shady someone, it was a mystery who it would be but now, its like that emotion of having a loved one doesn’t even exist no more.

Idk if I should be happy or sad abt that. Coz idk it wouldn’t be that bad, all by myself, travel world and explore. Not to worry abt raising a child who won’t carry the culture and religion.

Idk

[pettybignerd]

Today is like one of them nights.

Idk I see a lot of success in my future, I can see wealth business prosperity everything, but I don’t see someone to spend the most important thing of me, my time. And it feels so real

[pettybignerd]

Honestly I don’t even know if I want to bring a kid of my own to this world. Like I don’t know if I will be able to find a mom who doesn’t smoke weed or be the traditional bengali and religious to teach my kids those too and idk if I am able to do it too

[pettybignerd]

Everything feels so weird right now. Syeda wants to be like before and she is trying ode hard. Any person would be lucky to have a friend like her to get her best friend back. But why am I being like this. Why can’t I go back

[pettybignerd]

Shad, be strong. I know occasionally you feel the old self back but you gotta stop it. Only then you will completely be able to let that old self go. The old you, who’s world literally meant the people around him, and that shit is not for you, the slightest energy change brings out a very toxic self of you and its not good for you.

You can do it, you can be the new you, who only live within himself, keep fighting boy, I am proud of you.

[pettybignerd]

I regret nothing

[pettybignerd]

Whats up tumby, its me, ya boy shady mcshades

Idk why am I writing today. No, nothing exciting or change really happened since last post, I lost syeda ended the bond with Tasnim and stuff. I tend to keep my shits private now, except with u ofc.

Today when I was on xbox shah told me when u hear a lot of sad songs whos face usually shows up, I said Shah’s lmaoo. But we both know its Mim. But no I don’t love her anymore, she broke my heart. But I still love those memories of me loving her and I am listening to Avijog right now, and yes a lil bit thinking of her, the day when she cried infront of me in Pelham abt her US history grades, what a nerd. But I was more thinking abt what happened after that, I told her to shut up and listen to me, I told her how everything will be alright, how I missed talking to her and after all that I hugged her for so long....look at my fat ass being emotional and having a glossy eye grow lamoo. See I would love to see her again, the her of that day, but not todays. I told her how I lost the energy for her and it is true, I gotta start somewhere to distance myself if the ppl show signs. But Tasnim honey, that day with that hug was the closest I ever went to you and it always brings a smile on my face. But no I am not chasing you neither love the current you, I am keeping them memories, It is mine I love them and the one you in those memories ❤️

Did you think I would forget abou my best friend, no, Syeda you gay bastard. I hope your dyke ass is doing good, hope you managed all your transfer shit. But listen you poopface, It might be over, I might have lost the energy even if we got back together and hopefully we can be acquaintances or friends someday again. I thought yeah maybe after sometime we will be where we left off but I couldn’t, but I realized something. How toxic I am. I kept thinking how you don’t give a shit about me and after you got her you just threw me off, AND IK IT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. But syeda, when you will be with nyasia any type of delay in conversation or a slight change in energy will again make me assume shit. And Ik you meant none of them intentionally. You have shit goingg on in ur life, u might be busy, but again I am toxic and I will be petty. I am still gonna marry your sister so yea I might see you again. You were one person that kept me sane lmaoo and honestly, taking apart did hurt but it made me grow so much, I now can keep my shit private and just maintain a smile on my face no matter how bad situations are. You were always my go to person and I could talk to you freely and openly like no one else. And none of this is your fault, or Nyasias. It is me bro. I hope one day I will be able to send you this. I will always cherish those moments of us together, those memories are mine and It puts a smile on my face when I think about them. I still have the that jar with the notes you gave me on my 18th birthday, I keep it in my suitcase so I always have it to cheer me up, your poop note from the gift you send me on my 19th birthday, everything mean a lot. You mean a lot to me.

I hope you are happy and keep smiling, I am not gonna be involved in your life anymore but I am always here, you surround yourself with people who care for you. You will always be my best friend, but I can’t be yours. So shithead luv u bro, stay pooping, ALWAYS