phase64

[phase64]

Samurai

I cannot save the world. I am no hero. I will not save you. 

I am toxic, corrupt and selfish. 

I am human.

I stopped pretending to be the things I am not.

I do not embrace what I am, I only accept it.

Why convince yourself you are better when you are not?

Strive to be better, become better but do not lie to yourself.

Fix yourself before you fix other people. 

I am tired of the lies, the hypocrites, and

especially the people who hold their flawed ideals over others. 

You are imperfect.

You are as human as I am, disgusting and a sinner. 

I hate you. 

You are nothing to me.  I do not trust you. You are worthless to me.

I am focusing my efforts to what I can control, to what I can fix.

I worry about the things in front of me. Fuck the world. Fuck everything.

I want to take things at face value, head on without all the distractions.

Life is short, 

I refuse to let the outside noise interfere with what is important.

I won’t live a fake existence. 

[phase64]

Artist Statement 2022

Reflection, I spent a lot of my life remembering myself and seeing myself in third person. Is it normal to have memories like that? I always enjoyed creating things. I used to think that art was just what I could do on paper, the normal standard definition. I see art as I see life. It's a part of everything around me. My world is my art. The people, the drama, the environment is everything that I can use to create that art. My art is what I create around me. My world is my canvas. Through my life I make art that I can appreciate. Someday I hope other people can see the beauty in that. Art for me isn't something complicated. It's simple, as simple as life itself. Love, hate, mate, eat, repeat.

[phase64]

Imposter Syndrome

I graduated college years ago from a well known school. Ever since then, occasionally, I have been experiencing nightmares. It's the same type of dreams every time. I never had these dreams prior to graduation.

During my dreams I always experience extreme anxiety over graduation but in real life I have already graduated. In these dreams I'm always in a setting of before earning my bachelor's, sometimes I am even in high school or middle school.

Last night's dream really got to me. I had guilt and memories of not showing up to class enough this semester, thus not allowing me to be able to graduate. Interestingly during college I was rarely ever late to class, often 30 mins early. I also rarely ever skipped so I don't understand the guilt coming from these dreams.

The person in these dreams were not me. I never missed class enough or was late to ever experience anxiety of not graduating because of them. I also always met my deadlines and was never 11:59PM student. During college I never experienced anxiety over any of the things in my dreams.

I did exceptionally well in college considering my education going into it. Before college I wasn't the best student, I was a total 180. I didn't officially graduate from middle school and I didn't go to high school at all, I still received a legit high school diploma like everyone else and graduated with my class.

I always thought earning my bachelor's would be enough to prove to myself that middle school and high school were just whatever. But now in my recurring nightmares I think it's more.

It's been 5 years since graduation.

I don't use my bachelor's degree for my current profession. I actually never really even applied for job positions after graduating. The side gigs that I did have involving my degree doesn't pay enough to really consider it a career.

I basically have a bachelor's degree to start at 15/hour at a fast food chain as an assistant manager.

[phase64]

NWA

I officially give up on things I have no control over. 

I have no opinions, I have no thoughts. 

I can't care enough to even think about it, 

it's just a distraction from what I really want. 

I cannot put effort into something knowing that no matter my existence, 

it will ultimately be decided by someone else. 

I can live with that. 

It's exhausting to think that I could have a choice, 

have a say or remotely understand anything outside my own world. 

I decided to focus on what's around me, 

there's no need for me to worry about the rest. 

I gave up a long time ago, 

it's time to accept that.

[phase64]

Hair Day

Happiness is as fleeting as any other emotion, easy to forget. 

Pain, Sorrow, Guilt all disappear with enough time.

Happiness, although good, is nothing more than just everything else.

Today I am happy, but tomorrow who knows.

I am happy but I know the sadness will always come back. 

I am happy.

I am happy. 

If I could hold onto this forever, I would 

If I was ever so stupid enough to believe that happiness could last. 

Tomorrow is a new day, and who knows what it will bring.

For now let me relish in my happiness, 

Let me bathe in it and have it’s warm linger over my skin for as long as possible. 

Don’t wash away my happiness. 

[phase64]

Anniversary

This is my suicide note for the suicide I will finally be taking.

The suicide that has been haunting my mind and heart for so long.

This is my everything, my all, my hate, my love, my sorrow.

I cannot live my life anymore.

I am exhausted with my burdens through consequences of life.

I want to find eternal peace and end my suffering.

Life has been amazing, beautiful and wonderful.

Life has been miserable, disappointing and shameful.

I love my wife, my mother and my family.

I wish I never met my wife, because I know she can’t be happy loving me.

I am sorry I failed you as a husband and I am sorry I couldn’t be everything I promised.

I wish my mother would understand me, but she won’t understand anyone.

I am sorry I failed you as a son and making you happy.

I love my mother and my wife and I wish they could have loved each other too.

I love my sister and all her flaws, I hope she lives a better life than I have.

I hope that my wife can find happiness in America.

I hope so many selfish things that I won’t be able to control.

I have no control, not here, not now. I never had control.

My life had always been an uncontrollable force,

As if fate had a plan all along for me.

You cannot live a life day-by-day.

Think for the future, think of the tomorrow and today.

I am useless, I am unworthy, I am selfish.

I am everything I hate.

I cannot escape myself.

I cannot escape my mother.

My only regret in life has been trying to be happy.

I almost wished I ended my life sooner, because there was nothing was really worth it.

Finding love though, was nice. That I cannot deny.

Thank you, for making my life worth something.

I love you, please find the happiness I couldn’t find for you.

[phase64]

4/5/2018

Lately I have been experiencing some memory loss. I am dizzy, and it’s not from lack of sleep. My brain literally turns off during the day even though I had gotten enough sleep. My days have been hazy, like a fog over my eyes and mind. I cannot think clearly and I find it almost impossible to concentrate. I am unable to multitask, like a manic fiend I can only do one thing at a time and if I disrupt my train of thought during said activity...it really frustrates me. I don’t know whats happening to me. I feel like I am deteriorating, if only I could see a doctor. I don’t know if whats happening all in my mind or if it’s something worse. Let’s hope it’s all just in my head and all I really need to bounce back is coffee. 

[phase64]

The End.

I will admit that over the years I was selfish and stubborn. I also want to add that I maybe a complete hypocrite. I wasn't the most perfect person. I felt extreme guilt my entire life. I was depressed and hated life. I still do. I can't take how hard life is. I know there are people out there who are less lucky than I will ever be, but that doesn't change the sadness I feel. I want to thank the friends that I have reading this and the friends I once had but lost in my life. Without my friends I would not have been able to live this long.

There were many things in my life I didn't understand. I probably won't ever understand them but maybe you all will someday. There were many times when I got into serious trouble and admit I did do bad things, but because I done those bad things I was also falsely accused many occasions. I admit for the bad I done, but I am furious at the times when people lied or done wrong to me when I didn't do anything wrong at all.

I feel pain in my body all the time. Physical pain I get shooting paints in my pelvis, heart, liver, kidney and right side of my chest. I don't know why I get these pains and I have gotten some test but nothing has come up. These pains hurt a lot and the only way I can avoid them is to stop breathing. If I hold my breath I can wait out the pain since it only hurts when I continue to breath. If I died from this, why didn't anyone believe me?

Honestly the school system fails completely. Teachers should have more common sense. People in general should have more common sense let alone a heart. I failed during life because I tried to fit in and when I couldn't I tried escaping it. The school system failed because of the people within it. Teachers who simply gave up, and became mean heartless people who don't give a damn. Peers who taunt and look down on others. Thinking back on my life as a student, I honestly wish I did better. I probably could have done better to prepare myself for the future, if only I listened to the teachers that tried to tell me. I failed my own education.

I don't believe in coincidences. I take things together as best as I could and I see things that others cannot. No one believes me, but I believe myself. I may be paranoid though, it’s all too weird. Like a 6th sense I notice things that are out of place, or do not make sense. My entire life I feel as if I am reliving a past life, a constant deja'vu. Each day we learn something new, I learn to better analyze my life and the things around me. I want to reach an enlightenment but I feel as if the people around me do not want me to achieve that. I believe that this world is not real at times, much like the movie/comic “Matrix”.

Like a sponge I collect things from seeing them. Not knowingly, I do things that I see or hear, I pick up on it fast however. I do not want habits I cannot control. I learn easier by seeing things happen and I enjoy seeing things rather than reading them. When reading my mind portrays the image the words give. Like a projector I see the events in my head as if they actually happened.

The loneliness I feel can only be compared to the hatred I have of mankind. What have we done in this world but cause pain and misery. The awfulness and evilness of our very existence. Human beings were defined as a virus in the movie matrix, and I agree with it completely. However even though mankind is so problematic, we all have within us something pure. It can be as simple as a smile to another person, the meaning has the biggest effect. Within each person, evil or not holds something that makes mankind human. Call it a soul or whatever; you may believe it is what holds our anima together. Everyone has kindness in their hearts, somewhere.

It seems as if my entire life has been a complete failure. I have nothing to show for myself and I have achieved nothing in this life what so ever. I continue on each day wishing to die. Is living so hard? I am the first generation of my family; the very first son; the very first grandson; the very first nephew. What example am I giving to my family by living the life I am living today? My grandparents moved to this country to find a better life for their kids and their grand kids. How am I living to their expectations? My cousins are still too young to understand anything but how will my life affect the lives of my entire family? It all feels like I need to set the base, a standard for all. If I fail, what can they hope to achieve?

I think about suicide every day. To take my life and move on. The mistakes of my past have left my future with nothing at all. Everything seems as if it is too late to change. I am not prepared for this life. I was not prepared to face the harsh reality of this cruel world. Above all there is a fear that lingers over me like a misty haze. Each time I think about killing myself I think and remember the people who would hurt because of it. I live my life for them and each day I try to make myself better. Each day I try to be a better person.

Suicide is a selfish choice. It affects everyone you know, not just yourself. Whatever problems we face in life, no matter how bad, we have the ability to make it through. The question is whether or not we want to. Nothing in this life is ever simple. Anything worth fighting for should never be easy. We need our lives to move forward. A mind a terrible thing to waste but a person is a far greater lost. Within our lives we are able to fulfill a part of ourselves. This part of our self exist to keep us sane and separate us from life's' ordeals.

Happiness means to live your life the way you want it. Live your life to the fullest as if every day was your last. Money isn't everything; it just makes life easier, and sometimes even harder than it needs to be. Sometimes the biggest rewards in life are the most simple. To find happiness we must first experience what true sorrow is. Without knowing what hurts us, we cannot know what makes us whole.

I love my cousins and my sister but honestly I almost hate the rest of my family. Some I respect more than others. As I grew up my family was always nice to me as any family would but there was always something wrong. I do not blame anyone for abusing me or yelling at me. I understand that you were only looking out for me and tried to raise me as best as you could, it’s okay. I only resent that I do not agree that my family is good people. I don't see a lot of good in them or the people they have socialized with. Evil backstabbing selfish people. People who are just like me.

I grew up as my own person but I was also shaped by the people who corroded me. I hope that the next generation lives a better life free of the boundaries of their parents. I also want to add that even though the parents maybe evil in ways, do not forget who you are and to always respect them.

My depression was a lifelong thing I realized, it just never hit me full on until 9th grade. Till this day I continue to live with it. It’s something that I have been able to overcome but not able to completely get rid of. It’s always going to be there whether I like it or not. It’s not as easy as taking some drug and telling it to go away. My depression is a part of me, whether I want it or not. The question still stands, which will get the better of me; the thoughts of suicide or my will to live. Ironically my death may not even be my choice at the time I want to live the most. I came to accept that. For the longest time I think I have finally realized that it’s not living I’m afraid of, its death itself. I just want to get it over with in a way; I’m tired of being afraid of it. There were times in my life when I was very young. I woke up in the middle of the night and had these visions of the world exploding; it haunted me for the longest time. I never understood how I got over that, they just went away. I was about 6 or 8 years old.

Even though I think about my suicide and death constantly, there is always an important thing that prevents me from doing so. I learned over the years that, it’s not just my life that my death will affect.

My friends and family will be hurt and I don't want that to happen. I do not expect others to do something that I myself am not willing to do. I don't plan to attend my friends’ funerals, nor do I want to bury them. Same goes for my family.

I made a promise to a BFF to never take my life. I don't know if that reason alone is enough to keep me from losing it but it’s a good starting ground. I try to keep all my promises but I don't expect to live base on just that however. I live on because I know I can't handle life, but I don't know if certain people in my life will be able to make it though okay without me being there. I want to live on for them. They are the most important reasons for me to live and they know who they are. I will continue to live my life for them, all of them.

When I do die however, I don't expect you to forget me right away. But I don't expect you to remember me forever either. When I die, move on with your lives and just be happy. That is all I can ask for of my friends. There is no regret in life, we all do whatever it takes to move forward. I want my friends to continue to move forward. Don't let my death consume you as it did me. I may not be around to support you but you aren't alone, remember that.

I am not going to live forever, I don't know if I really want to at this point. 20 years has been so long, and so hard. 3 life times more, that just seems to exhausting for me to handle.

It is now safe to say that I am satisfied with how my life has turned out. I have almost completed everything that was intended before my death. If I am to die soon, it will be okay. I accept it as of now. I completed everything and wrapped up everything, leaving little or no loose ends. I leave behind no regrets, and no remorse. I continue forward with my past behind me. I am ready to die. This is just temporary however.

I want to look at myself one day and be able to live with the choices I have made for myself. Looking at the mirror now, the person staring back at me is just a mere reflection of the person I let people see. Deep down I want things to be a certain way. In my head I am something different. I feel like I am not really this guy who is what he say he is. It kills me to know a lot of the stuff I do and say have a completely different view point in other people’s perspective.

I know what I am and why I do it, people don't. I expect people to react in a certain way based on their personalities and function.

I get frustrated when I can't control people. The best thing is when I can control people by letting them think they are in charge. I believe that I am able to manipulate people to an extent. My power of deceit and betrayal is greater than one might imagine.

I am evil inside and out. I obsesses over things like a game and I cannot lose. I do whatever it takes to get what I want when I want it. My patience is as great as the object I desire. Knowing I can attain something or someone if I try hard enough to do so. My efforts are greatly emphasis by my need to win. If people get in my way, I have a way around it. Or I can merely dispose of them.

People are meaningless to me. My loneliness is the only reason I desire people. I am selfish and most of my choices are selfish. I cry for attention and seek pity.

When I look at myself I see the person that I am but others don't want to see that side of me. I disgust myself, how can I expect others to not feel the same way if they knew who I am? I would kill you if I could live with it. I would eat you and enjoy it. No I wouldn't now that I think about it but really it was an example if nothing more.

And because I am unable to love myself... My greatest desire is to find someone who can love me, for me. That's the greatest void that I have been searching for all these years. I want someone to love me to counter my lack of love for myself.

What I'm trying to say is, don't make me out to be a saint, because I'm no better than a monster. My hatred for myself is what separates who I am and who I want to be. If I was to ever like who I am, I fear the worst for the people around me.

You don't know that I remember everything in a certain way. I plan things and see things you wouldn't expect. I make a huge effort for it because I want to be a ninja. I want to be there when you least expect it and win. It will be harsh and evil in ways you couldn't agree with. You may see it differently than I do and see the good. But my wins, are mostly for evil. I don't play the game short term to win. I play the game long term to win in the end. I may lose but I won't ever fail. I'm too good to fail. You will all see one way or another.

I am the type of person you should fear the most. Not because I will physically hurt you, which I may still, but because I am too good at what I do. I lie to you, to your face and you are able to believe me. That is because I believe myself as well. I can deceit everyone around me for my personal game. You are my minions doing my bidding and I am your master. You have been trapped and I already won. If you were my prey, which will happen one way or another. My fangs will cut you.

In the end I don't even know if the truth is what I make it out to be. This is what I think of myself but I want to say that I want to be different. I am sick of lying to you and everyone including myself. If there was any good in me, it’s the sheer guilt I feel all the time. I can feel bad all I want, but it doesn't change that I am evil. Is there such a thing as a choice to be good, or to be evil? The friend you all know screams out one honest and truthful thing and this may be the only one so listen to it. Don't trust me, I'm not who you think I am. A person very special to me once said that, people who are unable to love themselves will not be able to love anyone else either. At the time I did not agree but after much thought maybe that person is correct.

Over the years I have blamed myself and others for everything. I hate myself for so many reasons. I caused certain things that have been unforgivable in my standards. The problem is a lot of the things I have done in life are minuscule compared to most tragic events. Like I blame myself for so many small things that I had little control over.

In a way I’m paying my dues. I torment myself and say that I don’t deserve certain things in life because of my mistakes or because of who I am. In the back of my head, where my ego exist, I feel like I deserve everything. This part of myself is what keeps my hatred going. I want to look past ego, forget pride and take things for what they are. My heart gets in the way too much. I am a loot whore both in real life and in game.

What I want to say is that I am ready to start forgiving myself. I speak about moving forward and forgetting ones’ past on a daily basis. How do I expect to continue living a life with such regret? I just can’t believe it has taken me this long to realize such a thing. I cannot say that this will be easy however. My hatred for myself exceeds anything this world has ever seen.

To love one self, is such a task so impossible? I have always thought about time travel and who would be the first person I would love to meet in any time period. The same answer has always come about. I always imagine myself going back into time and beating my sixth grade self up. I choose sixth grade because that was the year that everything started to change. That is the person who I hate the most. Not the person I am not but the person I was back then. If only all Asians knew martial arts. I am pathetically weak all around. (Sure sounds like I am forgiving myself isn’t it?) Someone just honestly needs to teach me a lesson.

In the end will I find this person who I can accept and be proud of? I cannot force myself to love itself, that probably just comes with time. The first step is forgiving; probably the longest step for me…

My past is my own doing, I know it’s my fault. But it takes a man to understand that life is what we make of it. If you failed in a previous life, it is your responsibility to make the most of your life you have now. Boys will be boys, Men will be Men.

Forgiveance is not about Forgetting, but learning and moving forward with acceptance. A friend once told me forgiving someone is not for anyone but for yourself.

All great things must come to an end. 21 years and here I am. I been through a lot. I have fallen below and came back up. I have lost my ways and went out to search for them. The greatest things about life’s journeys is that one day you can finally reach the end and look back and say hey that wasn’t so bad.

My doubts and fears in life are just a part of the chaos. I came to accept that things happen for a reason but I have learned that I was always able to deal with it one way or another. “This too shall pass” I am able to separate life and what my heart saids. It’s never a “I’m done” but more of a “I have just begun”. In the very end of my desperation I want to persevere. It is something that I have recently embraced. I want to keep going.

The greatest part of having nothing to lose is that I can risk it all. And even if I fail, I can at least say that I have given it my all. Not many people can honestly say that. I want to live on my own terms, no one else’s. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. This will not conquer me because I will not let it. I am determined to turn this all around.

I have my whole life ahead of me, and I am so glad to be able to say that I am actually feeling that I am ready for it. I can do it all but I wonder if this is just blind confidence? I look in the mirror now and I look back at this person. This person is a new and transformed person and I am happy with who he is. I am Happy. I keep telling myself that. This time however, apart me actually believes myself. I don’t know if I am lying or if it is legit. I won’t push it away. Let’s just roll with it.

A few months ago I said that I haven’t been better in life yet at the same time I haven’t been worse. That is true till this day. But I am doing better than I have ever been. The bad is not as bad and I am able to cope. I give in sometimes but I am only human. My reflection does not cause me anguish. His eyes may have this empty void within them but deep in my heart I know that each horizon holds a new meaning to him.

It doesn’t matter anymore about what they think or what they believe in. I run with what I believe in and I am happier for it. I do what makes me happy and I try not to look back. All I want to do is have fun. My pursuit of happiness has been a long road but only because I have over complicated it. The simplest solutions may in fact be the best solutions.

I don’t want to hold onto hatred or sorrow. In order to accept this new life. This new life that I have chosen for myself. I have cut off almost all ties with my past. I am not the same person who I was 7 years ago. I only want to look towards the future. I forgive myself.

Destiny has a funny way of showing us what is meant to be.

How many has it been now? I lost count. They have all had their meanings to me but this one will not be any different. I have to say that I can’t keep all my promises as I would have liked to. I don’t want to say sorry because I want to think that I am not leaving any regrets behind. But who am I kidding when I say this. I am really sorry for how I am. I am sorry for never being able to actually be there when you guys will need me.  I wanted so much for this life. I wanted to see and experience the things that you will all share. I won’t be there with you by your side. I have always imagined us to part ways one day. You have all been an enormous impact upon my life.

I do not regret becoming friends with you all. It will never be your fault this has always been my choice so do us all a favor and get over yourself. That was a joke. We will meet again in the next life. Please forgive me. I am done with this existence. I am not going to say that this wasn’t worth it, because it really was all worth it in the end.

I want this to be my finale. And it’s funny I was going to write final but it came out as finale, maybe I already know what I want to write. I thought I have lost that ability. The way I am writing right now is that I am punching my keys, I like writing like this. There is no thought when I am writing like this and I apologize if you can’t understand what I am saying. I just want for you all to hear my words as I see them.

You all notice something was wrong with me and for a time I was able to let you all read what I really wanted to say to everyone. I don’t want to let you all know what’s wrong with me because of how it will affect your lives. I never intend to cause any harm to you.

I want you all to care, but I understand when you guys don’t. I can’t expect anyone to care all the time; that is just impossible. I don’t even care all the time; we would have all driven ourselves insane if that was true. I really do care about myself; it’s just that I have run out of something everyone needs to survive.

I have lost it all and I just want to be alone for a while. I always push people away. Right when I need them the most. And I just can’t bring myself to tell you that when I am at my lowest deepest darkest world, that is when I need you the most. What I really want is for you to all know that without me telling you. There are just some things we should all know without telling each other. There are also things that we shouldn’t expect of one another. I don’t expect the impossible from you. I expected more from myself really. I should have been stronger than this. When I need you, I want to be strong enough to actually come to you and tell you. But I can’t, and that is where my dead end reaches. I have forgotten myself. And right now I am telling you my entire good bye. I am done.

[phase64]

WoW I'm Better

I'm better then you.

You know this yet you strive so hard.

Lear left as you walk my way or else you might just get stunned by my prowl.

Gaze in complete awe!

Hey you superman, think you're all that? Fuck off suka, I'm the best.

I'm the mother fucking best, aint no one got swagger like dis.

You all talk some serious shit but you aint packing what I'm macking.

Step off my D, and back the fuck up. Don't fucking look at me. You haven't earned the right.

I been running the streets while you only been running away. You say got heat, you say too much. Let's just settle this without words and hit it up in my world.

"You are not prepared!"

[phase64]

"No matter how hard you try, No matter how good you think you are... You suck. "

What can be said that hasn't already been written once before? I feel like I go through this every day. I run my world through my head and I can't help but to always feel the way I do. And I really don't know what it is. Even after all these years... I have experienced so much and gone through so much. I survived it all. And the end... If I want this to be the end... will I be happy? And in the end will it even matter whether I'm happy or not? No I have decided that it won't. I can feast upon my hatred and my desire for death. My need and hunger. The will for death and the unwillingness for living. I do not matter in this world. I do not care for my attachments nor do I care for the emotions which comes with being alive.

I been just so confused lately. I have never been so disoriented from my world. I care too much. And these attachments I have, they make everything so unbearable. I try to make it through every day and I realize that this won't just get better on its own. I am impatient, I just want everything right here and now. But I can't and I learn that with everything I must be patient or else things will go wrong.

I try to hard and I let things get to me too much. Before it was just a haze, no thought and now it’s all right here clear as glass. I don't know why I wanted to see the world like this. I have to be able to handle this. I have to be able to overcome anything. I have to be better, stronger, smarter.

I just want to sleep my life away ~

I like torchering myself. I like the pain and suffering. I like indulging in self pity. I like the feeling of self control and I like the guilty pleasure of loosing self control.

I realize my friends care and it’s not about that. It’s about me not caring anymore. I should care though, I don't know why I don't. I want to care, but ... I just don't know anymore. I don't care about my own friends, and it bothers me that I have to try to care about them. It bothers me that I have try to be human, and it bothers me that I have to put any effort in life. This should all come natural, I should be able to love my family and friends. All of them, and not have to worry about them so much. I don't love you, I'm incapable.

I only love her. And if I ever put anything before her, if I ever forget how important she is to me... All is lost. I love her because I want to love her, she is my only salvation. She is the one and only light beyond my grave. When she is gone, that is when I lose it all. Not while she is still in my life will I lose myself just yet. I do it all for her, because I never want for her to look at me with disappointment. I will become everything she needs because she is already everything I will ever need to make it through this life.

No matter where I am in my mind, no matter how far I take myself. I can always depend on her to show me where to stand. I can live easily because she makes everything worth it all.

No words can really describe this feeling. It’s odd when I want to express how I feel yet I can't even phantom its reality. I want to say that I'm doing okay, that I can move on. But there's this knot beneath my breath. I choke, coughing out lies to convince myself that I am okay. I do not cry. I don't have anything left to cry about. I feel so lost, I just can't believe that she is really gone. Where is she? Is she doing okay? I hope she is well. These things continuously run through my head and right when she is able to leave me be someone always ends up bringing her back. I don't want to forget her. I just want to be okay that she's not in my life. I want to wake up in the morning and feel that I can live without her. It’s been really cold these past few days. I'm dying on the inside. Maybe I have already died but she brought live to me. I don't want to write anymore.

[phase64]

Everything happens for a reason. I'm not meant to be with you right now because I'm still sorting out my entire life. I want you to be a part of it and I try so hard to keep you above everything else. It comes natural with the easy stuff but as our relationship grows, the bigger things almost get in the way. You are more important to me than anything and you deserve nothing but everything I can give you. It’s hard for me to be the boyfriend I want to be. I want to become the best person you will ever meet in life. I'm afraid to lose you. I'm afraid that I will only have one chance and if I ever mess up, it’s over for us. One day when we are both ready we can be together and I can tell you all this, I can tell you that I truly love you unconditionally and we will forever be unseperateable. I hope we will get our chance together someday but if we don't I guess we weren't meant to be after all. Everything happens for a reason, I'm just glad to have you in my life. You mean everything to me, you give me purpose and a goal to live for.

I don't know how I even feel about you sometimes but I wonder if this is what love really is.

[phase64]

Love is about the willingness to change yourself. I can be stronger, better because she makes me strong. And because she gives me reason to, her love makes it all worth it.

I want to be the ideal person who she can lay everything on. She deserves the world and more; I will follow her to the ends of the world and beyond.

She already has my heart, I'm just waiting to finally give it to her.

[phase64]

Moving On.

Move on Move on

Tonight’s the show We have to keep the pace No longer lingering behind as the world goes by

Move on Move on

Tomorrow is right now, right here Never stop, make a relentless attack! Show no mercy

Forget her Forget the worries

Stop those tears, you cried enough.

Tonight is the night to let it all go and forget the world.

FORGET THE WORLD.

[phase64]

One Weak

I seek comfort from you but I can't get enough to subside this heartache.

I don't want to cry for you. I just feel so lost. I'm pathetic.

Where are you? Why did you have to leave.

What kills me the most is not knowing how important you are to me. I couldn't imagine loosing you would ever be this hard.

I drown myself with the world, trying to forget you only wishing to forget the world instead.

[phase64]

Resent

When did we become like this? Its hard to even look at you now.

I resent you so much. You broke my heart but really I know I destroyed it on my own.

Its not your fault for what happens. It's just hard for me to take you leaving.

You brought color to my life. I thought for a long time that I could finally find peace. That I could leave my fake smiles behind me and that I wouldn't ever need these words to cry again.

But it’s not your fault, it never will be.

I blame myself for letting it get this far. I grown too attached, living on a dream. I earn my just deserts.

I will get over you someday....

So where do I go from here?

I can't help myself but to think of you all the time.

It is because you have taken away something from me? Or is it the fact that I don't know where I will be when your finally gone.

I leap towards tomorrow, bringing in today’s sun along with me. I only wish I could bring you as well.

We can't always have our wishes come true, I just never imagined that you became my only wish.

I accept tomorrow and I want to move on without regrets. Good Bye.

[phase64]

ORZ

So let the past two years pour out. Have it cause you the pain you so desire.

Its not like you don't deserve it. You finally got yours after all this time.

I can't help but pity you as I laugh with your defeat.

Behold the great and mighty for he has fallen.

Pathetic that I can't help but to just hate myself so much.

I haven't felt this much built up hatred and anger in such a long time. It’s a feeling that I never wanted to feel again.

I need to get away from my friends when I'm like this. I say that I don't want to hurt them. But really deep down inside... I want to destroy everyone.

I can't give myself that opportunity, I owe my friends that much...

[phase64]

All This and more.

This is me happy. This is my ideal world.

Don’t listen to me. Let me be happy even if it cost me everything.

This is me depressed. I have come to accept this. I'm never going to be good enough for myself.

--- I can't anymore. ---

I'm waiting for something to happen.

I expect it to come to me and hit me dead on but I know that if I avoid it, I can escape destiny.

I am not ready but yet again I was born for this. I don't know what it is but I have been and still am preparing for what's to come.

I need to be stronger than this.