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智慧正如荆棘之冠，他既佩戴它如勋章，又承受它如刑具。所以他有时被称为罪人，有时被视若神明。

Wisdom is like a crown of thorns; he wears it as a medal, yet bears it as an instrument of torture. Thus he is sometimes called a sinner, and sometimes regarded as a god.

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Mother

妈妈

痛苦是有的，但是很幸福。不是说痛苦是假的，只是连这种痛苦都很幸福。

———

最近迷上小辣椒，画的过程中代一下 Pepper 和 Morgan。参考图是GP女士本人。

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1/14000605

Last night, I had a hazy, venomous dream. Thanos and his army came back to Earth—maybe to wipe out the other half he'd forgotten, or maybe just for some unwelcome sightseeing. Either way, it inevitably turned into another exhausting, soul-crushing battle.I had to suit up, blast through alien creatures and take hits for others, get hauled by a woman on a winged horse and ultimately lose Tony all over again in that war.

When I woke up, the dream felt hollow yet terrifyingly real. Like that one time, over a decade ago, when Tony called me at some ungodly hour saying we had to leave for Alabama *right then* to try fried green tomatoes. That kind of *"you think you're getting up to pee, but then you realize you're already peeing"* horror. So I threw up twice and was still out of it by the time the wedding started.

It was a fine day. The lawn was dotted with empty chairs—Tony had reserved some seats, just like I had, for people who never showed. Happy officiated, and even though we'd told him a dozen times not to treat it like the goddamn Oscars, he still stumbled over his words. Rumor was he'd crash-dieted for two weeks, and the brain fog was a side effect. His voice sounded distant, and then Tony started correcting him, and the two of them bickered while the world spun around me. Summer was ending. The day was ending. The late sunlight spilled over everything like oilcloth, bleaching the empty chairs into rows of white tombstones.

S.I.'s PR team had drafted several *grand* proposals for our "wedding of the century," but in the end, we ignored all of them. No cameras, no media, no flowers—well, except for that handful of wildflowers wrapped in scrap paper. We just held a small ceremony in the backyard. Morgan has a heart now, even if she's still not much bigger than a fist. After so many deaths, we're desperate for new life in a way we never were before. Tony lies against my stomach every day, swearing he can hear her heartbeat. I tell him to cut the crap—that's just my acid reflux.

I can't feel Morgan yet, but she was definitely at the wedding. Between our handful of friends and all those empty chairs, it was complete. Tony hadn't even finished his vows before I kissed him, , catching him off guard. I couldn't help crying—even in dreams, his 'whoa, what?' face is painfully vivid. I told him I just didn't want to waste it. Didn't want to waste time anymore.

昨天做了一个模糊又恶毒的梦，梦中Thanos和他的军队再次来到地球，大概是要把他遗忘的另一半也彻底摧毁，或者只是一场不被欢迎的观光，总之又不可避免地演化成一场让人力倦神疲的恶战。我不得不穿上战甲炮轰外星生物，为别人挡下几次攻击，中途被一个骑着飞马的女人救到马背上，然后在这场战争中再次失去Tony。醒来觉得这个梦很空洞，又很真实，就像十几年前某个凌晨Tony打电话说要立刻出发去阿拉巴马吃油炸绿番茄，有种——你觉得你要上厕所了，醒来你发现你就是在上厕所的恐怖感。所以我呕吐了两次，直到婚礼开始还在晃神。

一个好天，草坪上空置了���多椅子，Tony留了一些座位，和我留的某些座位一样没有人出席。Happy是这场婚礼的主持人，尽管我们反复强调不需要郑重得像参加奥斯卡颁奖典礼，他还是舌头打结。据说他为此进行了两礼拜的突击减重，脑雾或许是后遗症之一。Happy的声音很遥远，Tony开始纠正他什么，两个人争论起来，我突然一阵眩晕。夏天要结束了，今天也将到达尽头，日落之前的光线油布一样铺下来，把空荡荡的椅子罩成白色墓碑。

S.I.的公关对所谓世纪婚礼有几套相当宏伟的计划，但最终我们没有采用任何一种。没有镜头，没有媒体，没有花，至少没有除了拿废纸随便包的那把野花之外的花。我们就在后院办了一个小小的仪式。Morgan现在已经有了心脏，尽管她比一个拳头大不了多少，但死了太多人之后，我们比往日更迫切地渴望着新生命。Tony每天都要躺在我的肚子上听一会，说是可以听到Morgan心跳的声音，我说算了吧，你知道那是我的胃在反流。

我现在还感觉不到Morgan，但她无疑参加了婚礼，算上我们为数不多的朋友和空椅子，这场婚礼是完整的。Tony还没有说完誓词，我已经吻了过去，把他吓了一跳。在梦中他连故作惊讶的表情都如此生动，我的眼泪就这样从现实世界止不住地流进来。我解释说只是不能浪费。我只是不能再浪费任何时间。

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但那正是自由令人毛骨悚然之处

Keep A Real Awakening KARA

我拉着 Alice 在狂风中奔跑，雨水冲刷我的脸，蓄进我的视觉模组再夺眶而出。Todd 在我身后发出他力所能及最大分贝的怒吼，就像要把整个人从内里掏个底朝天，将经年累月所有怨恨、愤怒、悲伤和他的消化道全都掏出来，撑到最大再啪嗒一声套到皮肤外层——人类是这样的，总在歇斯底里地往外掏着什么，恶语、尖叫、哭泣、谵妄、排泄、呕吐甚至分娩，制造出秽物、悲剧和一个又一个小孩。Todd 的声音远去了，Alice 把我拉向现实：你在漏水，Kara！她仰起头，我在灯光下看到她眼里摇摇晃晃的我。

Alice 攥起袖子轻轻擦拭我脸上的水渍。她的手很小，就像永远不会长大，也很凉，就像苍白的皮肤下根本没有血液在流动。现在不漏了。Alice的声音闷闷的：可是我们去哪儿？

我哑然。我突然意识到这正是自由令人毛骨悚然之处：觉醒竟不指冲破枷锁的那一刻，它是我即将面临的无数个没有指令的个人选择。

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我就这样理解死｜Another Conner will take my place

君主斑蝶的寿命是八个月，人类的寿命是一百年，仿生人的寿命可以很短，一苏醒就死在暴乱当中，也可以换上一百次零件，不知疲倦地一直活。这对人类不公平，对君主斑蝶也不公平，但又有一点是格外公平的：对一切存在来说，只要还可能死，利剑就始终高悬，它将于某个或早或晚的瞬间突然坠落，引发一个不可转圜的永恒结果。

我姑且这样说：死是硬币的正反面，活是它的厚度，抛向空中的25美分最终会落地，但绝不落在侧面。贫、富、美、丑、失衡、倒错在它面前都被迫公允，所以死一瞑不视，一视同仁，再漫长的生命与之相比都显得短暂，就像底特律暴雨中的五分钟苦行。

我的苦行结束了。