pithmemos

[pithmemos]

[pithmemos]

re: in

weirdly dramatic obviously everything is fine. i wrote that on a peaceful day after finishing a book across 12 straight hours and now i head into that same cycle, since ND just sent out OTCOV3. it only just hits me around, like, Regular People (read: people from my hometown or that are connected to me via my family) that they expect me to have some sort of five year ten year plan, nearing the end of my twenties. but i have what i want and i live how id like to live, things will naturally keep going the way they're supposed to. what else would i feel the need to plot out?

[pithmemos]

in

2020 i feel like i stopped creating any sort of plan and just withdrew, a lot, and as everything started feeling so intensely evil and empty i could only focus on the next few hours ahead of me: a single meal or what to write that day, what audiodrama i should listen to in the park: what i'm ordering at a cafe called paisley, beside where we used to live, or if i felt safe enough to go to the screening of ghostbusters at the westdale. that last part i realize is from a year after, in march or april of 2021, i think, but to me that year was the same day again and again. that was the case for two years, i think, and i don't remember when i exited it but i guess i did, because at some point i moved, and got a job, and moved again and got another job. but all of those days felt very unreal to me, not real interviews and not real stakes - i was always just in singular days. i think i should feel ashamed for not thinking beyond days and weeks, and sometimes i will if confronted by it, but the alternative doesn't seem necessary and i don't know what i would do with it. i guess maybe i'm lying here, because there are two things i want that i think about, and see in the future, but without a plan am i really moving towards them? i believe i am but i don't know if that's real or not. i feel very lucky to have escaped the same day of walking around alone and lying in the park alone, and guilty that i didn't try hard enough to be where i am now, maybe that i don't deserve it. i think i spend too much time inside my head thinking about myself

[pithmemos]

closing tabs for june:

audiodramas: war of the worlds, pleasant green website, elucidity (havent listened or vetted)

books: agnes from colorama, woven histories of welsh wool and slavery, BUGKNITS, riposte editions 1 (still), Alice's Adventures in Wonderland illustr. tove jansson, looking for the cat 3 & 4

makers: SM studio, Margherita Sabbioneda (i love going down a rabbit hole and then finding an artist who is connected to several projects you have already engaged with; bibliographic performances, tenderbooks' design),

other works: this bookmark by emma crabtree, photo of AC's needles in use, AC's twizzle top hat

pages: althea crome interview, genieink's patreon, google search for It makes a sound, AC interview3, google search "kate soper in her chamber piece Helen Enfettered", Margaux Williamson at MOCA, terrybleu's catalogue, Mushbuh's webtoons, internal affairs HD remix

videos: AC interview2

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adj

usting adjusting adjusting adjusting !!!! Trying My Best. had a breakthrough in bad thinking earlier today while watching a japanese film called Plastic with my sister but maybe ill ignore it <3

making a few things this week, at least, and also reading and looking and being inspired. wanna know who did the miniature work for Murderbot's title seq

[pithmemos]

buying lots

of comics but i feel like that's acceptable and fine. i'm writing it off as a future work endeavor. do not ask me if i paid my internet bill this month yet

[pithmemos]

tabs to close

in march, so i can run indesign (*artists/publishers, ^books, #other objects, %refernence for work):

*jas_hice's instagram -- and jas__hice

*frogfarm.online (very interested in ^szarlotka of course)

^baby fesse via bookmanager, DDI distributor

*fan-art

#anna fiedler's textiles, 02 via sutram and an interview w anna on deiji studios

tangerine.nyc's feed

%a google search for image atlas

%hallagans shop of riso inks

%google search of risorz220ui

*%digital bedroom

^page on new direction's site for the hole by oyamada, referenced by another student in the anthology course

^to photograph is to learn how to die

*maya on the internet

%stencil, a riso wiki

^imperfect solidarities

^hair on fire: afghan women poets

an audiodrama reddit page recommending observable radio

sheila heti's outside of story on amulet mag

isabella hammad's reading during a genocide

#transit hat, in forest green

^somebody is walking on your grave

[pithmemos]

feeling

better and I love books again. Who knew

[pithmemos]

volatile

month--so much transpired across january to march that i didn't seem to have any time at all. at the beginning of february i was on vacation, not-reading, full of self doubt and agonizing over choosing wrong. convincing myself i could still choose differently, could keep alive a life that was not serving me, has not served me for a long time. i rehashed aloud the same problems over and over. i do not hope for rest in march but i do hope for enough time

[pithmemos]

in the last

year books have become something that brings me a great amount of anxiety each day, never-ending. I hate numbers and yet am constantly surveilling numbers, patterns, tracking who is buying what and where is it going, thinking about money as this huge, invisible force, money as a being that looks over me, watches me, I am not feeding it enough. I need to move away from this, how do I move away from this--I want to reflect on my reading I want to be away from the pressure of reading things to completion, no further questions about having read X and Y if I can't access them, don't have the time to access them. No more recommendations unless I can put a book in your hand without requiring something in exchange, for the force to be fed which will never benefit either you or me, how do books become a non-evil force, a book no longer as something to be watched, that has to be constantly moving, goods exchanging hands--a book as immovable, a roadblock, a physical presence in your space, a book as something you need to create to move forward and a book as something to be consumed without harm to yourself

[pithmemos]

[pithmemos]

a life of looking

things up. How do you know the right questions to ask. Is it possible there are questions only you want to know the answers to? I don't think so.

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[pithmemos]

A

path I can't follow, or something meaner: a path that wants me to continue on it, a path that wants to kill me. I don't like reading about other's dreams until the dreams become so terrifying they exist as a true fiction, stories that don't need context to be understood. A universal horror, a body leaving itself, the only person in the world betraying you, abandoning yourself three turns back and not realizing until the truth is out of sight. Aaaaaaa all I'm thinking about lately is June Gutman's work, the diagnosing and labelling and categorizing, sorting as prolonging violence, picking open scabs, swelling brains

[pithmemos]

does

feel like my brain collapsed in on itself the last few months. How to derive joy from stagnation / How to convince yourself things are on track / Tips to stop thinking about what a total stranger said to you at a bridal shower you probably shouldn't have gone to? Words for numbing headaches. I have tinnitus, please shut the fuck up. Think I have covid how long is ok to not read book and just look at screen.

[pithmemos]

laptop

broke weeks ago and at first was incredibly unbothered because I was in the middle of a series of books. I finished the seventh a few days ago and anyways I can't do my actual job or any personal work without it. Or, I can, but I haven't been, though I guess I also haven't been able to open a dozen reddit pages with "gi stasis hasn't eaten fine at vet" search result posts. Ok!

[pithmemos]

what

if I just keep screaming forever. What then.