pitseleh812

[pitseleh812]

god fucking damn it i really will never be satisfied

[pitseleh812]

i want piercings and tattoos so bad because it makes me more interested in having a body but literally every woman in my family would hate me and i guess there is something to be said about not altering your body and divine femininity blah blah blah. like maybe i owe it to the people that made my body to not alter it in a way they would find disrespectful

[pitseleh812]

we should make a city with just girls and we can dress however we want and also theres no capitalism or judgement and we can all bake each other cookies and give each other flowers and compliments and

[pitseleh812]

when you lose your virginity are you given something or is something taken from you?

[pitseleh812]

Jan Mankes (1889-1920) Old Goat by a Lake, 1913

[pitseleh812]

pinterest reminds me there's so much i want to be and so much i want to do but i need to get up and actually start doing it instead of sorting who i could be into organized boards on the internet

[pitseleh812]

you have been percieved.

gasp! :0

[pitseleh812]

i've reached the extent of your love and yet i am still not fixed.

[pitseleh812]

being on tumblr makes me so glad i'm out of high school you guys are MISERABLE!

[pitseleh812]

oversharing about current boytoy situation

going to rant unabashedly because this is not tied to my name or my reality at all!

okay so i was going through a period where i thought i was straight for the first time in my life and i had a few hinge situationships but i somehow transferred to wizz. if you don't know what wizz is it's marketed as a way to make new friends but it is full of horny men of all ages subtly begging for a girl across the world to send them nudes. i talked to quite a few guys through this and had male validation for a 3 meals a day for about 4 days straight before i realized it had ruined my mental health completely. i got plenty of dick picks (some of which were consensual) and i took it as a way to experiment while still being completely in control of the conversation. by the time i realized it ruined my mental health i stopped texting everyone on there except for a guy that hadn't even asked for my snapchat yet (it had been 3 days, beating the previous 2 hour world record by a landslide) and instead gave me cool dinosaur facts and called me pretty.

we've been talking for maybe three weeks now and we have each other on every platform, we know an extensive amount about each other, i've seen his dick he's seen my boobs, i have complete power over him and he surrendered to me willingly, he comforts me when i need him to, he gets me to eat, he gets me to do schoolwork, he's effectively keeping me alive.

but...

he's 2000 miles away from me, he's not intellectually stimulating on any level, i might be gay, i'm his first relationship, i'm in college and i should be spending my time getting actual physical affection instead of this weird mutual yearning that we're doing.

i straight up told him (and maybe i'm a psychopath for this) that i am not going to commit to an online relationship with him for the chance at a life together in 4+ years, that i'm going to actively look for new relationships while we're talking, and that i will be the one to break his heart and that it will be soon.

every time i tell anyone i did that they laugh at my cruelty but it would be worse to not tell him, wouldn't it? i'm giving him the option, if he doesn't want this he can stop talking to me. i mean of course the right answer is to have never let him get attached in the first place but it's too late for that. many relationships end in failure i'm just being up front with him that this one will as well.

the conversation ended with him saying that whatever it is that we have now is worth the pain it will end in so technically i have his consent to break his heart but idk it's definitely still unethical. what do you guys think lol

[pitseleh812]

need a comforting woman to soothe me while i cry into her chest STAT

[pitseleh812]

so disconnected from my body that i start crying and i have no idea why

[pitseleh812]

longer thoughts on the brutalist (aka transcribed voice note that i sent to boytoy)

okay i loved it i almost cried and i never cry at movies. maybe the sweetest on screen romance i've ever seen?? it was not what i was expecting at all. i thought it would be much more focused on the war and the brutalist period which i am very interested in so i think for the first 2 hours i was kind of just annoyed that it wasn't focused on that and it definitely takes a while to be anything more than subtle and really get to the point of the movie but once it got there... wow it got so good. adrien brody is an asshole but i used to have such a big crush on him and he was so sweet in this movie that it kinda brought the crush back so i'm going to have to watch him kiss halle berry without consent a few times to get rid of it lol. it's ultimately about the immigrant experience shown through architecture and ugh its so good.

okay going to get nerdy about it: so brutalism is a period of architecture that came after ww2 that's known for like tall concrete buildings because they had to rebuild everything so fast and so cheap since everything was bombed out. the main character laszlo built a ton of these buildings in europe but now hes immigrated to america and he builds the same way but theres much less symbolism and less need for it. but of course theres rich americans who love it and they hire him to live on their property and build them this huge rec center/chapel situation. he gets to have his dream but he's still living on someone elses property and building for someone else. but he makes such a beautiful rec center and a chapel for a religion he doesn't believe in and yes the materials are brutal and there's nothing ornate about it but he makes a beautiful sculpture that turns the sunlight into a beautiful cross when it hits just right and ugh he just fills this brutalist concrete building with so much love and gentleness and he treats all of the americans and all of america with so much love and gentleness and they respond with brutality and ugh its so sad and so beautiful and so good. best picture for sure.

editors note: listening to this back im sure my feelings could use some rethinking as this definitely reeks of "i just finished the movie and i can't think a single negative thought about it" but i think the excitement is kind of beautiful!!

[pitseleh812]

while i'm here read this one by azeez too. who woulda thunk a man could write so well?

[pitseleh812]

no one has captured how erotic it is to watch someone play guitar better than him

[pitseleh812]

just saw the brutalist and it was soooooo good my best picture (i've seen all of the nominees except im still here) maybe i'll write my thoughts out tomorrow or at least transcribe the 7 minute long voice note i sent to my boytoy about it

[pitseleh812]

bcnr is for ex-musical theatre fans and there's nothing you can say that will change my mind on that