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new species of bed buge just dropped

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the procrastinator’s mind will invent distractions you’ve never conceived of in order to avoid tasks even a dog could do.

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maaaaan if you put the youth of today into some kind of old style situation they would struggle but adapt over time much like those of the past.

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jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

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Could your soft animal inside you and my soft animal inside me have a playdate tomorrow

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you open up my cranial cavity and it's just 2-3 inches of murky greenish water, stagnant, algaechoked, mosquitoes buzzing, a few small frogs, cybernetic pondcomputer mechpiloting the rest of me, sloshing a little this way and that. you open up one of the frogs' skulls and inside it's me! looking up back at you, waving, unsmiling

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dos anyone want to play cars with me .

🚗 🚙 🚘 🚙 🏎️ 🚗 🚗

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Happy birthday gay people

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two wonderful things i saw online today

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One of the baristas at a nearby Starbucks makes me lose my mind every time I’m there by saying things that are not outside the spectrum of normal human words but are just slightly off-the-wall.

Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, home of delicious, what deliciousness can I put in motion for you today?

Customer: … Can I get a trenta pink drink please?

Barista: Go big or go home, we here at Starbucks appreciate your commitment, what else can I get started for you?

***

Customer: Nitro cold brew with shots of espresso please.

Barista: Brave of you to commit to staying awake for three days, anything else today?

***

Barista: *slams open drive-thru window* HI HOW ARE YOU?

Customer: …I’m pretty good.

Barista: Are you ready to be even better? Because you’re about to be. *hands them their coffee* 

***

Barista, realizing that a drink was made wrong: *slams open window* SO how do you feel about surprises?

Customer: ….they’re okay.

Barista: Great because I’m about to give you one.

***

Barista: You have two drinks so I am going to hand you two straws which means, FANTASTIC news, these straws double as drumsticks. / You have one drink so I am going to hand you one straw and, promise not to tell anyone, this straw doubles as a magic wand.

***

Barista: Here are those cake pops, I plucked them fresh from the tree myself.

***

Barista: *slams open window, holding drink* Amazing, fantastic, delicious, you are a very lucky man/woman!

***

Barista, realizing drink is being delayed or remade: Looks like it’s gonna be just one minute so they have time to put the extra love in.

***

Barista: I’ll be with you in one hot second. *beat* WOW that second sure was hot!

Anyway she has a few dozen catchphrases she rotates approriately and it’s both distracting and fantastic to listen.

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Aspiring occult scientist discovers a new god

[Mycosis]

In the aftermath of the breach, Howard realizes the sheer scale of the power he has unleashed.

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cosmo sex tip #42069: include live spiders to add a little sizzle to your sex life

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does anyone else think that its crazy (remembers i’m in discourse time-out this week) how the wind blowing thru the grass is so common yet so beautiful. one of many marvelous experiences in this wonderful life