poetsandpancakes

[poetsandpancakes]

Dear Diary,

I’m back. I don’t even know how long it’s been—maybe six months? Time has blurred into itself like rain on glass, and somewhere in that blur, things happened. Ugly things. Things I can’t unsee, things I can’t unfeel. The kind of things that sit with you in silence when the lights go out.

But tonight... tonight feels different.

There’s this soft, unexpected warmth sitting with me—the kind that makes you sigh without realizing. I watched my favorite old shows, let the nostalgia roll in like a familiar hug, and even tuned into Jeffree Star’s videos again. It’s been forever since something as ordinary as a Wednesday night made me feel like, “Hey, maybe life is good again.”

I ate more than I should have, sure. But I’m not going to scold myself tonight. I know what it’s like to stare at a plate and feel nothing. I remember October 2024—the weight of that month, the sharp cold of surviving it. It was cruel in its own way, yet oddly... I loved it. It showed me my edges, my fight, my hunger for better days.

So, I gave myself a break. A little kindness. A little softness. And maybe tomorrow, I’ll walk it off or sweat it out. But tonight, I just needed to taste comfort.

You know, I’ve noticed something: I always come to you when I feel good. Maybe that’s what you are—my feel-good place. My quiet little celebration in ink and paper.

28/05/2025 Aizawl My little room

[poetsandpancakes]

Hey, It's me. A lot happened since the last time I came here. I missed writing to you back in my little office at the university though. The life I had. I want to be big in this world. S o that nobody can make me small ever again.

No more saving up expensive perfumes for what's coming later, I am going to make the most of it everyday

[poetsandpancakes]

Letters to Sylvie

My dear beloved Sylvie,

I've missed you, you offered me laughter and comapnionship throughout the 19 months we've been together. I always said that I have a 17 months cursed with anything. Be it a job, a relationship or anything. It does. It scares me everytime when a time span crossed 17 months.

You offered me great comfort and I enjoyed every moments shared. I do. I really do.

But, a girl like you is hard to describe, you smiled in my face and hated me the other way. Sometimes I wished I could be like you,to fake it till I make it.

[poetsandpancakes]

MZU Incubation centre atanga ka chawlh atanaga a thla 1 na chiah ani a vawiin hi,thla 1 a liama thil hi ka ngaihtuah thiam tulh2 in ka hria,ka rilru pawh a fim tan a ka hmu thiam zel a,buaina neuh2 chu mihring lamah nei ve mah ila ka insawithiamna niloin MZU Incubation centre khu ka awmna tur alo nilo ani. K ngai dawn lutuk nitina ka routine te, ka mihring tawn thinte leh mi hrang2 te ka ngai em2 vek mahse a tak2 zawk kha ka tana a thatloh na chin a awm a khatah zawk khan ka in focus duh zawk ani. Tun thleng hian a lungleng zawngin engmah ka ngaihtuah duhlo a, centre ka chhuahsan dawn ni pawn vawi 1 pawh ka hawi let lo.

Everything wrong about my time at the centre

I was never appreciated- mentally and physically. Tuman min ngaina lo a, ka ngaina heklo, we were just a bunch of people pretending to be someone and something we're not. Ka tawng ve in ngaihthlak ka nilo a, ka ideas te paihthlak an nih mai bakah ruk an ni thin.

Ka awmlohin difference eng tham em em mah a siam chuanglo- They are oh so full of themselves.

Ka inchei dan,ka interest,ka ngainat zawng te paihthlak sakin ka awm fo

I dont have a job

Ka awmna tur anilo. Ka chiang. But it was a full lesson. A huge one

1/09/2024

[poetsandpancakes]

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”

— Michael Faudet

[poetsandpancakes]

The first time we went out,he shivers while holding his cup,a little nudge as he grew fonder and we held hand, my spilled coffee and his excuse to hold my hands.

The first time I told him my age, he counted with his fingers, I did the same to match up our gaps maybe.

[poetsandpancakes]

For work purposes I have to open my chats on desktop. In case of emergency, I used to open my friend Wendy's chat to just be on the safe side. Who is your chat safe zone? For me it's definitely Wendy

[poetsandpancakes]

Papa,

Would you like me to sing a cowboy song while they put you away?

I've never been the perfect daughter for you and I am sorry for that. In a thousand lifetime and millions more I am grateful that you get to be my dad. "Cowboys don't cry"

[poetsandpancakes]

No more Birdy in my story

We are not meant to be. I hate to say that

Let me put it in a different way " Our time together is limited " , I felt great and better in knowing you. You made me feel things I've never felt in a long time and you've done things with me that other guys find a lifetime to do. You went head first always. I am thankful for you.

When you remain silent for a long time, I thought that you hated me, I felt really bad but you know your way around. I've missed you..but that's for me to dealt with..alone. No hate,no kisses either and I am thankful for you that I am sitting here on a Monday morning thinking fondly of you. You're way better than I am and I will try to be too.

So long, London

You'll find someone

15/07/2024

[poetsandpancakes]

There's a monster in my bed. It holds me tight when I try to fall asleep at night. It pulls me back in when I try to get up and pulls me down when I go about my day.

I tried counting sheep and numbers like a toddler. I count things, picture things, sense and smell things—like I learned somewhere on the internet. But the monster in my bed holds me tight; it won't let me go until I weep and weep and weep until I get tired and drift off to a place where the monster wants me to go, a very bad-quality dreamland.

I met a friend for coffee in late July and talked my heart out—the monster in my bed disappeared that night.

I went to see a friend, ate corn, and laughed with her—the monster in my bed did not come out of its cage that night.

A friend sent me a care package of sweets and desserts. I ate with the monster in my bed; it warmed my heart and then left me when it was time for bed.

I went to church to pray on a Friday night. I cried for hours. There was an angel in my bed that night, and it tucked me in to sleep.

There's an angel in my bed. It smells like coffee, autumn, spring rain, fresh sheets, and apples on a warm sunny day—everything I've ever loved. It lulled me to sleep until I drifted off in a pillow of blue bonnets.

01/09/2024

Aizawl

[poetsandpancakes]

What I think in a day 101

Anger is an ugly emotion and so is rage. Emotions have made me too fragile, too troubled sometimes.

Wounds of past ghosts have haunted me and tracked me down.

Do you often think about Frank Sinatra and Marilyn Monroe? They're odd but their sweet camaraderie had been a total bliss, I can think of many Sinatra's in my life, not that I'd think myself to be a Marilyn anytime soon.

See,I got paid to sit around and watch netflix a month,maybe keep some books and maintain accounts....still better than sitting around all day huh?

There;s a downfall of a high ego. It came by fast and with just a swipe. One thing about life is that I think you always have to stay humble and low all the time. Because it's scary,the way I've seen people fall from their high horse it's scary.

[poetsandpancakes]

This morning I woke up feeling a lot lighter than yesterday. I went home yesterday with a lighter heart and a whole new perspective about life, just because a stranger offered me a ride home, he's very kind and give me lessons and new ideas about where I am going on from here.

I weigh myself and I am 1.5 kgs lighter than yesterday, it feels great still a long way to go, but let's hope I can get back in shape by my birthday. I really don't want to look distorted and dysfunctional as I find birthdays to be so overwhelming and heavy. I rant on and on to Dennis about the workplace drama last night, even though he lacks emotional and logical support and providing advice is his weaker points but he is such a good listener.

These days I find myself always thinking about Albert, how he loves bombs and makes me feel insecure in just a short period. I know how his exes felt about him, stupid child. I will wave him goodbye now.

This time for real

10/07/2024

[poetsandpancakes]

9/07/24

In my 27 years of life, I've always been the person people wanted to be around. Friendship came easily, naturally, like the breeze on a warm summer day. But today, something shifted. Today, I felt like an outsider, unwanted and insignificant. Someone else's insecurity cast a shadow over me, making me feel less than I am.

I refuse to let this define me. I am determined to reclaim my independence and make a change. Today, I will be the difference I seek.

I also discovered that I'm close to 80 kilograms again, a number that feels heavy in more ways than one. But this realization is not a defeat; it's a catalyst. It’s a reminder that I have the power to transform, to rise above the negativity and carve out a new path for myself.

Today marks the beginning of that journey.

[poetsandpancakes]

a slumber i never wish to awaken from

available as art print for those who sign-up on patreon

[poetsandpancakes]

"i wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time."

[poetsandpancakes]

If things were destined to go wrong, they did so spectacularly all at once. Yet, even amidst the chaos, glimmers of rightness found their way through. Perhaps you understand what I mean, perhaps not. This morning, as I considered wearing a cropped vest beneath my warm blazer, a sudden thought struck me: "Anything can happen on days like these." Here in the northeastern part of India, the rains are heavy, often bringing landslides and natural disasters in their wake.

Heeding this premonition, I swapped the vest for my thermals, a choice I was grateful for as I found myself stuck in traffic for two hours on my way to work. Despite the gridlock, U Mami and I made the best of it. We stopped at a local vendor, savoring a hot cup of chai, bhundias, and egg rolls. Embracing the philosophy of "Wabi Sabi," I found beauty in the imperfect journey to work this morning. Each experience and lesson along the way was worthwhile, and I am thankful for every path taken. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by the heavy rains and the burdens they bring.

2/07/2024

Tanhril

[poetsandpancakes]

Stop! New comic on Tapas.

Read here