pol-ar-ity

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its september time to build a new life

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It’s about to get really bad and nobody is gonna know !!

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mihaly zichy ‘romantic encounter’ + these violent delights, micah nemerever 

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There wasn’t yelling. There wasn’t fighting. There wasn’t “fuck you” and “I never loved you” and “I’m not going to miss you.”

There were two tired hearts. Still beating, but no longer in sync. Four eyes that never seemed to meet at the same time. Twenty fingers that no longer entwined. Two pairs of lips that hadn’t met in months.

So we said goodbye. We said we’d keep in touch. We said “good luck,” and we meant it. And it hit me:

I spent so long being mad at you, that I forgot you were human, too. That we were both flawed. That I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.

I still do.

“i’m sorry for not realizing you were doing your best”

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I don’t know what to say about you anymore.

What we had was bound to end. No matter how hard we tried, we knew there was an end in sight. We knew it wasn’t forever. We knew.

But on nights like these, I miss you. It doesn’t change anything. There’s no deeper meaning.

I miss you. And I don’t know when it will stop aching.

“i wanted it to be forever, though”

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I thought I was doing better

I thought I could look at you and smile

I thought I could talk to you without my heart crawling up my throat

But I thought wrong.

You said goodnight and I wanted to cry

Because you never said that

I would go to bed and you’d come in later

And now you don’t.

So I kiss strangers

I don’t eat

I almost throw up

I sleep too much

And nothing I do erases the hurt

But I can pretend when we’re in the same room.

So

Goodnight

See you tomorrow

And god

I miss you so so much.

“i never thought we’d be strangers again, but here we are”

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“1. I don’t want you to hear me crying. I don’t want you to hear me sobbing into my bedsheets because we still have to live together and you’re laughing with your friends in the next room over. I don’t want you to hear it at all. 2. I kind of do. 3. I think you’re pretending you don’t, but you do. 4. I’m going for long walks and taking long baths. I’m sobbing for most of them, but at least I’m doing something at the same time. Drivers look at me. I look down. 5. It’s not fair that people can look at you and think you’re fine. Because you are fine. You are absolutely okay. 6. It’s not fucking fair. 7. Strangers can hear my heart cracking from miles away. It’s a personal earthquake in my chest each time I remember that you’re not mine anymore. It’s a shaking in my bones that I never thought would be there. 8. This was supposed to be forever. You were the first person I truly fell in love with, truly saw forever with. I could lie about it with the others, but I always knew with you. Now we don’t get to have that. You took it away. I can’t be mad about it. 9. I’m kind of mad about it. 10. Mostly sad. 11. It was quiet. It was easy. We’re still friends, even though I fucking hate everything about this and can’t look you in the eye or be in the same room as you. I know it’s for the best. I know we’ll be happier. I know we couldn’t live like this forever. 12. I kind of wish we could have tried.”

— “four years down the drain just like that”

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Just put me down already. I don’t know how to have a good thing and not destroy it with my bare hands. I don’t know how to love something without sinking my teeth into it and drawing blood. I will miss him in my bed as he sleeps down the hall. I will miss him for the rest of my life.

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Paramore, "Forgiveness" / Attraversi… dante. TeatroLab. 2021. Laterza, Italy / Nikola Emma Ryšavá - Connections, 2017 /source unknown / Margaret Atwood, “Europe on $5 a Day” /Michelle Kingdom - Duties of Gossamer, 2015 / Daniel Dorsa , no title // Darya Makarova for Sicky Magazine / Now, Now, "Thread"/ Rania Hassan - Drop Stitch, 2009

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Something about leaving

Margarita Karapanou // Richad Siken // Andrés Cerpa // Alicia Cook // @thesadghostclub // Gabriela Mistral // Alejandra Pizarnik // Madeline Miller // Alejandra Pizarnik // Richard Siken

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familiarity

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seeking, yearning, reaching hands

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how do you love?

Richard Siken, Peter Wever, Ilya Kaminsky, Margaret Atwood, Ada Limón, Akseli Gallen-Kallela, Richard Siken, @maieste, Madeline Miller, Holly Warburton, Shauna Barbosa, Benjamin Alire Sáenz

buy me a coffee

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fear of abandonment –– to be abandoned, or to abandon? defensive, so as not to be hurt, or cautious to not be cruel? I was both the subjected and the provocateur. some people are afraid of feeling the pain alone. some share the feeling, some share the pain, so it could be felt. a hand can greet or grasp frantically at another's hand that will eventually retreat to its own body. to have enough power to not be a victim, not too much to be violent.

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So first of all….