prasenna

[prasenna]

Learning to learn

Arguably, the most important life skill to learn is learning how to learn. That involves learning about yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses. I am not a fan of Neil deGrasse Tyson but his response to the popular comment about how learning algebra in school is useless was on point. He said that the school syllabus isn't really meant to teach you how to solve particular problems in life but rather to teach you to find solutions yourself. It teaches you to learn how to learn by repeatedly throwing progressively more difficult problems at you and expecting you to figure it out. It expects you to struggle, and fail initially, and then figure out why you failed, and then work on it. Training your brain to solve algebra is the learning, not the concept of algebra itself. Of course, deGrasse didn't elaborate on it as neatly as I've put it but rather just said: "It teaches you to learn to learn". But you get the point - he's meh.

Last week, when I tried learning SQL, for the 10th time, and found it simple, I knew to not trust myself because I remember struggling in my DBMS class 6 years ago. I'm sure I would struggle equally if only I was tested the same way now that I was back then. I wish I had a copy of the question papers for the exams I struggled with. That would help me learn immensely. So, the next time you struggle, remind yourself that it is good, and if you fail, remember to document it, even if you don't know the answers.

[prasenna]

Political Correctness

This week, two incidents in football made me rethink the boundaries that I am constantly learning to draw. Interestingly, both incidents happened off the pitch - in a presser. First up is the Son news. Spurs captain, Heung Ming Son, told the press how the news about his teammate joking that all Asians look alike, earlier this week, is really a non-issue between them and that it's all sorted. Second is the Ake news. When Nathan Ake was asked if the supporters who painted their faces black to be like Gullit were racist, Ake remarked, similar to Son, that it wasn't a big deal.

In this politically correct world that we find ourselves in, incidents like these are heavily frowned upon. The "woke" crowd would lecture you on how offensive it is to the races they are supposedly offending. It is considered ignorant to not know or understand how these acts are in fact offensive. Yet when the people who are supposed to be offended come out telling you that they aren't, you are left questioning yourself because reality didn't match the description you were taught.

I've often thought about what even constitutes a problem. I've seen how problematic things in relationships aren't even registered as problems to the people in it. When my friend jokes about his wife being dumb, and when the said wife laughs along with him, do I intervene and "educate" them on how to run their relationship? In other words, if the people involved didn't find it problematic, is there really a problem in the first place, regardless of what I think of it? Where do we draw the line between ignorance being bliss and it turning catastrophic? Asians looking alike is almost a universally accepted opinion. I don't find it racist, and if, neither do the Asians, then are we simply inventing problems? Do we not have enough? Or is being okay with 'blackface' a sign of ignorance because of how steeped in racism it is, even if Ake - a black player himself - does not see a problem with it?

I think the answer, as with all, lies with context and patterns. Life is almost always grey concerning moral dilemmas. You can't objectively apply blanket rules in life. The context is as important as the problem itself. And so is the pattern. If 1 out of 100 does not have a problem, assuming the same context, then that is an indication to not pay too much attention, unless they make a compelling case for it. Maybe Ake is that 1, or maybe the other 99 will soon turn around looking at him, a la 12 Angry Men. Time will tell. And so, being flexible might just be the only option. As for the Asians' comment, I will wait for someone to enlighten me further but until then I'm going to categorize this one under the "woke" files. Please leave Spurs, Son - you're too good for them.

[prasenna]

Note To Self (Again!)

I have no idea how to document this sudden surge of confidence that seems to blow away all the fears you have about everything but we have to try. Try and remember how you felt when you wrote this. The fears don't seem to matter. Personally, and professionally, you can achieve what you want. You simply have to trust yourself. I know it's very hard, and I can almost feel the confidence slipping away already but you can't give up. Keep going as always. You got this. You can do this. I know you look at everyone who seems to have got it together and envy them, knowing you'll never reach their level but you can because you felt it now - you felt like you can take on the world. What seemed overwhelming felt doable. You got this da. You really do.

[prasenna]

The Deserted Dessert

Of all things I've done for you - big and small - the one that saddens me the most is the slice of cake that was left stranded on your front door, waiting for you to be picked up on the night of your birthday.

But little did that dessert know that you have already left the place sometime ago.

And so it waited - to be joyously greeted by you, and welcomed into your home but alas after several hours, it got picked up by a random stranger.

In many ways, that dessert typifies me - hopelessly waiting for an embrace that was never coming. And maybe, that random stranger was also me, from the future. Just like how Harry Potter saves himself in the Prisoner of Azkaban, maybe that random stranger was me from the future picking my dessert-self up from a place where my existence didn't matter and moving me to somewhere I belong. Somewhere where I will be valued.

[prasenna]

Hurt People Hurt People

Does that always have to be the case though?

[prasenna]

Within

I told you that you were the source of my happiness - you didn't care

I told you that you were the source of my sanity - you didn't care

I told you that you hold the power to hurt me - you didn't care

Was it you, or I, that didn't care?

Theedhum Nandrum Pirar Thara Vaara

[prasenna]

One More Time

Pick yourself up da!

You've done this several times before but it's time to do it again.

You loved hard. You loved with all your heart. You risked many things. You didn't care about the odds. You loved even when you knew you shouldn't, even when it was not reciprocated, even when you knew it was over. You kept loving.

If someone couldn't see that, it's okay. You continue being you.

Heal da, heal!

You can do this. Overcome the hurt, the pain. You are strong.

Don't let what's inside you die. Love yourself and keep going.

[prasenna]

To My Future Self

Remember how, just a little over a decade ago, our past self predicted that I would be working somewhere in a 'mokka' company, in our diary? That turned out right.

How I wish you, the future me, would tell me that things turn out well. It does, right? Because, currently, it seems hopeless. My sleep cycle is screwed. I weigh less than what I was a decade ago. I can't watch anything that is romantic without getting triggered and then break down. I don't really know if I'll ever be able to love again. I can't stop looking back and keep yearning for that love. I can't wake up without a heavy heart. I can't really be myself. I miss me.

Please, future me, please tell me it gets better because I need it.

[prasenna]

Goodbye, Monkey!

[prasenna]

Ideologies

This is my second post on the same day - that's new.

Anyway.

"What about this? Don't you feminists have problems with this?", my friend joked as he pointed to a quote about manhood by Teddy Roosevelt at the American Museum of Natural History. He, along with people on the internet, seem to do this 'whataboutery' all the time with feminists, pointing at male issues that are ignored. Just ask Chinmayi the singer - it's a miracle she still keeps fighting with everything that's thrown at her. Male Right Activists (MRA) are the male equivalents of Feminists. It appears that people think they're mutually exclusive. I don't think so. From my limited understanding, Feminism fights for equality, as does MRA, the difference being the focus on the gender they fight for. If I want equality for both genders then I can put on the Feminist cap or the MRA cap depending on the issue at hand. But then why don't we have just a common term then, say "Equalist"? While that could work, the labels, I believe are just a way to bring more focus to a set of issues that a particular community face. When the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement began, some argued that all lives matter and should therefore be rebranded as All Lives Matter (ALM). Obviously, all lives do matter, but when you fight for all lives, it becomes hard to bring focus to a subsection that needs a lot more attention. Do white lives matter? yes, but why do you need to highlight that unless there are issues? Putting BLM with WLM under ALM would remove the focus on BLM. So, these labels are simply a reflection of which side you focus more in general. If you are aware of more female-centric issues than male-centric ones, then you'll try and highlight more female-centric issues and thereby 'seem' like a Feminist. What's more important isn't the camp you're in but being aware of all the issues in both camps and using your voice to raise awareness. Labels shouldn't matter as long as the underlying ideology is clear. Feminism does not indicate that ONLY females should get equality and that men shouldn't, and vice versa. They can co-exist. I wish people understood that. People grasp the surface level understanding of an ideology and form their opinions and start arguing with others on Twitter. I don't claim to be an expert, or even have a good understanding of these ideologies. I'm currently trying to understand what Intersectional Feminism stands for, as does Third Wave Feminism. I'm also parallelly trying to understand other social issues such as Casteism and Racism more deeply. Here's how I wish people learn ideologies:

Grasp the fundamental idea.

Research the idea, understanding it deeply.

Think of the potential issues. Some ideas are good on paper but aren't realistic.

Hear what the nay-sayers have to say and understand their view.

Decide your stance. Back your decision with strong logic. This will help you have constructive discussions. But be flexible to adapt when you realize you could be wrong.

Move on to learning other similar or conflicting ideologies. Rinse and repeat.

Social issues are hard problems that can only be fought collectively, and that requires individuals with clear focus. Its never too late.

[prasenna]

Emotions

Emotions are the Yin, to the Yang that is Logic. One without the other is pointless, and unstable when imbalanced. Such is the nature of life, and so life is inherently difficult. On the surface, while it may seem that striking a balance is achievable if people were taught to be more aware of their emotions and be taught the logical approach to things, it still won't make things much easier. Because that would be logical. Emotions are the antithesis.

As I write this now, I'm trying to focus on my life ahead. I have a career that isn't the best and needs work, my family and friends that may benefit from my support, my books that are collecting dust crying out to be read, the movies on my list that I know I'll love, the multitude of videos on science, tech, and football that will enrich me that are a click away - but I can't do any of this, or at least every time I want to. I used to think that this problem is probably a consequence of me constantly wanting to look back but I've come to realize that isn't the case. Break-ups hurt. Yes, that's obvious. What I don't understand is the roller-coaster of emotions that apparently time helps with. Feeling perfectly fine one day only to realize that it was a false positive the next day is perplexing. When I feel low, I try and remember my optimism for the life ahead I had in the moments I last felt fine - yet it doesn't work. I know why things happened and do not wish to go back. There is anger within me and so is sadness. These negative emotions should give me reason enough to let go - that is logic. Obviously, it isn't working.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." - 1 Corinthians 13

No! Love is stupid. Love is blind. Love is problematic and destructive!

Love is an emotion. What good is an emotion that will harm you? What even drives this emotion? Why do I feel stoic sometimes when I look back and not other times? Why does it matter and hurt only sometimes, even when it has no reason to?

'The heart wants what it wants'. Oh, fuck off!

If we're all just prisoners of our perennially imbalanced chemistry, a.k.a hormones, which require popping pills constantly to regulate them so that we can think logically forward, then good lord, we're doomed. It is annoying that I have to play this guessing game on a regular basis to figure out how long I have to wait to feel fine so that I can do the things I actually want to do. I know this post started off on a neutral tone talking about emotions and logic and quickly turned into a break-up rant and took another turn to highlight how mental health is a pain in the ass but deal with it.

The more I dealt with my mental health, the more I realized how my mother would've felt being stuck in an abusive marriage all her life. What would she want now? What needs to be done and how. And then I extrapolated to think of everyone. Every time I read the news about people making poor choices say in politics, or just in general, I used to wonder if maybe more education and awareness of the things they are dealing with would've helped. The larger the systemic issues that people fight for and against, the harder the battle will be because even if everyone agrees on what is right, people may not want to do it, and even if they do, good luck getting them to stick by it. Do we have a pill I can take now to calm my pessimism?

[prasenna]

Ted Lasso

I never thought that a fictional character from a tv show would end up being an inspiration to me but that is exactly what the title character from Ted Lasso is turning out to be at this point in my life.

I first heard of Ted Lasso when the manager of the football team I support said that he watches Ted Lasso in his spare time and likes it a lot. Naturally, I looked it up and decided to give it a go. It was relatively funny and light, with some emotions thrown in there. It's about an American football (you know, the handegg sport) coach who gets a job as the coach of a football (the actual football) team in London. With nothing but his character and personality, and zero knowledge of the sport, how he sets about to manage his team forms the crux of the story.

It's always fascinating when I look back to connect the dots in my life. It's funny how things connect. The more it happens, the more I'm tempted to believe in fate. The first time I watched Ted Lasso was at a lounge at Delhi airport. As I was watching, I got an impromptu call from a girl who I ended up "dating" for a year. The 3rd season of Ted Lasso was just out and watching it is helping me deal with the "break up" of the girl I "dated".

Growing up, the one piece of advice my mom would give me that stuck with me always was to always be a good person. 'I don't care if you're bad academically, but always be a good person, everything else is secondary'. And so, growing up, anytime I had to decide, I chose the morally right one, regardless of its consequences. Ted Lasso is the embodiment of that. He's separated from his wife (possibly divorced) whom he still loves but his wife has moved on. He misses his son who lives with his mother. He has panic attacks that render him incapable of doing anything besides being scared. Yet, he puts on a smile and goes about trying to improve the lives of everyone around him. One can argue that this is nothing special and that's basically how most people are, and they'd be right but I guess it's the portrayal of the character, and maybe how he's trying to move on like me that makes it hit harder. It's a constant reminder that no matter how difficult it gets, always choose to do good, and currently, that means me making sure I still talk to my "ex" in any capacity possible so that I can be there when she needs me. Disconnecting would be the easiest and avoids a lot of pain but to my moral compass, it will look like I don't care what happens to that person anymore and that just doesn't sit right with me. So once again, I stick to my morals even if it's not the best thing for me to do.

Do good, be good.

[prasenna]

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Maybe I should? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Okay then

I should be okay with this? Okay then

[prasenna]

Mirage

According to you, I wasn't there for you on some occasions. According to me, you weren't there every single day.

As I reached out, desperately, day in and day out, yearning for your hand to pull me up from the depths of despair, you walked away.

Each morning as I open my eyes I would feel sunk, feeling trapped at the bottom of a deep well, looking helplessly from below. How heavy my body felt, as did my heart. I felt as if the room around me was growing, or the gravity beneath me increased, either way, I felt small and scared.

The more I relinquished my standards, the more I got hurt.

Like a fueled-up car, I used the love you showered once upon a time, to keep me going but it was drying up fast and a refueling station was nowhere in sight. And then one day, at 2 am, as I cried out repeatedly "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do..", the last drop of it dried up. I chose to refuel with self-love and drive in a different direction.

I miss you every second of every day but I cannot afford to get my heart shattered anymore.

[prasenna]

Who am I

Over the last few years, I've noticed this trend of people claiming to be introverts as if it's something that they're proud of? What gives? Since when did the inability to maintain social connections on a larger scale become the cool new thing? Do people think that they're perceived "adorable" or "cute" by others when they struggle to engage in conversations? Would it make you seem elite because you speak less? I don't really know.

It's gotten to a point where I'm confused myself about where I belong on the spectrum. Throw in terms like 'Social Anxiety' and you've got a recipe for an identity crisis. I've just gotten a new MacBook Pro and I simply adore the keyboard on this. It's SO GOOD. I love typing on this. So, while this topic really isn't worth discussing, I just needed an excuse to type really long paragraphs and watch them flow on the screen like beautiful little ants. So, let's try and break this down - the topic I meant.

People fall somewhere in-between the Introvert-Extrovert spectrum. Introvert, by definition, is someone who's energy depletes as they interact with people. Extroverts gain energy. That's it. That's literally it. While the idea is simple enough, people like to bend it to suit their needs. Like associating shyness with introversion. Do you think that I don't talk to a lot of people because I'm just a shy little kid hiding behind mommy?

I tell people I consider myself an introvert and I usually hear a 'oh but you talk well' in response. Its

(tired from talking to a lot of people today so will finish this one later.. see what I did there? but really, I'm tired)

[prasenna]

Chennai

It's 3 am in Jersey City, New Jersey as I sit here writing this. It shouldn't come as surprise to people close to me that A) I love my hometown, Chennai, or B) I intend to return permanently someday, or C) I am not sleepy at this time of the night. I would be lying if I said if I hadn't thought of returning back home almost every day because when you're in the minority (and by that I mean close to 1%) of the NRI (Non-resident Indian) population deciding to give up the American dream and return to the lawless pastures of the Indian sub-continent, you'd probably want to double-check your sanity, or at least that's what the 99% would tell you.

It's been 4 years since I landed here in the US to pursue my Master's in Comp. Sci. I'm yet to be enamored of the US. I still await that convincing argument that entices me to settle here.

I remember roaming the streets of Chennai with my friends with empty pockets. Even the very concept of 'pocket money' was luxury. On the odd instance that our parents did lend us money, it would probably be enough to buy a can of soda or a packet of chips. But I don't remember complaining. I don't remember soliciting more funds. It was fine. This was all just over a decade ago. If I could go back in time and hand my current salary to that kid, I'm certain that the kid-me would faint. Earning just over six figures in dollars is a dream even for Americans. Multiply that by 75 to get the Indian equivalent and that kid could buy a lot of sodas and chips. Like a LOT. Giving this up should be difficult but why doesn't it feel like it? It's not like I'm stressed out by the job, or my peace of mind has taken a toll in any shape or form from my residence here in the US, that makes me want to throw it all and run back home. No. Everything's fine. There aren't any deal-breakers yet. But also, this isn't home and I didn't have any deal-breakers with my home as well. I think that I'm still that kid who just needs enough to buy a can of soda, and all this is plenty more than I'd need for years to come.

(so much left to write about this topic but I should really sleep now)

[prasenna]

To Myself

It's okay. You're okay. Just keep pushing yourself. Believe in yourself. You can do it. I know you can. Keep going. Be better.