prettypleasebenicetome

[prettypleasebenicetome]

drank so much on saturday that i threw up all over my clothes without realizing, would do again

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i have a crush on my best friend. but i have a boyfriend (online but still; we've been together for 1.5 years). i am genuinely obsessed with her though. when i don't see her i have a terrible day. the only way i can be happy is if a) i interact with her b) i drink alcohol c) both. i was so happy on friday. i want that back. but this is so awful for my boyfriend. he hasn't really talked to me since friday (he isn't all that online) but. augh. this is all so confusing.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THIS SHIT???? god there's no saving me is there

no fucking way i'm going into seconde (10th grade). mentally i'm still a 12-year-old with no sense of the world

[prettypleasebenicetome]

back here again? updates: i'm lowkey developing an alcohol dependency (drunkorexia for the win), my eating habits are more fucked than ever, i have some kind of freaky crush on my best friend (obsession more like), something in my blood is probably fucked, there is a high chance of me going to court in the next couple of months.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

brother i'll be honest i don't remember anything that happened in february 😭🙏

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also i'm pretty sure i "formed" these people at different dates?? i don't know when but i have a general idea. clotaire was in 2021 for sure but i thought it was just age regression or whatever. the unnamed fourth came about in 2023 when i started to. be more weird and poetic on main. maybe late 2022. and octavia was definitely 2024.

stupid maybe-plurality thoughts under the cut (i make myself cringe sometimes)

from what i know there's me ????? i don't know who the fuck i am and i guess i'm still trying to work that out. distinguish my personality from the. others. no i will not call them "alters" or "headmates" because they're not actually different people in my head. they're me with different personalities.

the second concrete "personality" i call clotaire. it doesn't actually show up very often (it's mostly me) but when i'm him (??????) i feel. younger. i feel like i'm a little kid. somewhere in between seven and twelve. i try to treat myself gently when i get like this.

the third isn't as easy to distinguish. i call it octavia. he's like. my brain basically. like a sort of guardian angel. or me but wildly unfiltered. she takes care of me and clotaire but when she's by herself it's like she hates being alive or something. i think that this summer i sort of "was" octavia. octavia is motherly. octavia is kind. octavia is less me than clotaire is but also somehow so much more.

then there's a potential fourth?? i don't know if this is a part of my actual personality or if my tumblr persona has become a genuine separate person. i don't have a name for this one (de sade maybe) but. he's. uh. i don't want to call him a vampire because that is stupid and ridiculous and cringecringecringe. he just exudes vampire energy. and also cockroach energy but in a different way from me. he's wildly homosexual and flamboyant and tends to speak in a very poetic prose-like fashion. graceful. almost like a stage actor. his vocabulary slips into mine sometimes but i think that's just because i want to be him. at my core i really want to be him but i know i'm not. whenever i play him (or he plays me) i feel so free. like i'm gliding. the cooler version of me. i usually try to channel him in public by myself when i'm not a nervous jittery non-speaking mess.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

stupid maybe-plurality thoughts under the cut (i make myself cringe sometimes)

from what i know there's me ????? i don't know who the fuck i am and i guess i'm still trying to work that out. distinguish my personality from the. others. no i will not call them "alters" or "headmates" because they're not actually different people in my head. they're me with different personalities.

the second concrete "personality" i call clotaire. it doesn't actually show up very often (it's mostly me) but when i'm him (??????) i feel. younger. i feel like i'm a little kid. somewhere in between seven and twelve. i try to treat myself gently when i get like this.

the third isn't as easy to distinguish. i call it octavia. he's like. my brain basically. like a sort of guardian angel. or me but wildly unfiltered. she takes care of me and clotaire but when she's by herself it's like she hates being alive or something. i think that this summer i sort of "was" octavia. octavia is motherly. octavia is kind. octavia is less me than clotaire is but also somehow so much more.

then there's a potential fourth?? i don't know if this is a part of my actual personality or if my tumblr persona has become a genuine separate person. i don't have a name for this one (de sade maybe) but. he's. uh. i don't want to call him a vampire because that is stupid and ridiculous and cringecringecringe. he just exudes vampire energy. and also cockroach energy but in a different way from me. he's wildly homosexual and flamboyant and tends to speak in a very poetic prose-like fashion. graceful. almost like a stage actor. his vocabulary slips into mine sometimes but i think that's just because i want to be him. at my core i really want to be him but i know i'm not. whenever i play him (or he plays me) i feel so free. like i'm gliding. the cooler version of me. i usually try to channel him in public by myself when i'm not a nervous jittery non-speaking mess.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

felt like i was twelve years old for a bit so (because i'm such a normal person) i searched up "what do twelve-year-olds act like" and it was as if the twelve-year-old just got fucking. sucked out of me. what the fuck is this

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i don't know whether i'm genuinely starting to age regress again or if i'm. somehow more than one person.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

hey so uh. how do you know if you're plural. because personality-wise i feel like at least two (three?? four??) different people depending but i don't have any voices in my head. not a one. not even my own. uh. yeah. that's all

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woah guys!! i haven't eaten since last year!! 😆😅😜💪

[prettypleasebenicetome]

TEARING MY HAIR OUT. SOBBING ABOUT MY CW. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HIGH IT IS. AFTER EVERYTHING. I TRIED SO HARD THIS YEAR. I LITERALLY DEVOTED THIS ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR TO STARVING MYSELF. WHY ME. WHY. FUCKING. ME.

[prettypleasebenicetome]

lowkey this bottled green tea is saving my ass right now

[prettypleasebenicetome]

might delete this blog and make another one. i want to make friends while being authentically (and horrifically) myself when i feel terrible on this platform. but also lying to people and not being myself at all

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chat is this thinspo (don't mind the apple core, i am in my machinist era)

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~Fav malespo rn~

[All from Pinterest.]

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third year in a row i'll be weighing myself on new year's. third year in a row i'll disappoint myself.