princess-ofthewolves

[princess-ofthewolves]

I was toxic to some, I was a blessing to others. Others I healed, others I hurt. I'm willing to admit that I wasn't always right.

[princess-ofthewolves]

Nazim Hikmet, trans. by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk

[princess-ofthewolves]

1 year without self harm💕

[princess-ofthewolves]

We were together. I forget the rest.

source: annalaura_art

[princess-ofthewolves]

It’s days like today where I question if I’m really here.

[princess-ofthewolves]

“You just need to be alone for a while. Untill you feel…yourself again.”

[princess-ofthewolves]

Find a lover who says “I see your trauma, and I know you are so much more than your experiences.” That kind of love and support that helps you heal, grow, thrive.

[princess-ofthewolves]

[princess-ofthewolves]

She came over last night. Because I was so dissociated I didn’t feel alive. I could not let my 11 months clean come to an end and did something I didn’t think I was ready for. I accepted help. She came over, got me food and helped me eat. She listened without judgement and didn’t say anything about the anxiety that was showing physically. She laid her head on my chest and just helped me breath.

Did it solve everything? No. But it brought me back to a place where I could just be again. Today was low but I can’t definitely feel the difference.

She came because she wanted to. She helped because she wanted to. And in that moment, that meant the world.

Here is to unlearning toxic behavior as a result of trauma. Here is to feeling the healing.

[princess-ofthewolves]

One day my soul won’t feel so heavy.

[princess-ofthewolves]

[princess-ofthewolves]

I think the sad part is learning that I was always enough without the toxic people I thought I needed. Not everyday is gonna be absolutely amazing. Most days will just be sleep eat work but I know that there have been so many amazing days that I won’t give up for how I’m feeling now. I think it’s so odd wanting to live and finding ways to make everyday better. I’ve started dancing in my kitchen with no pants on when I feel super super shitty after work and it’s helped immensely. If I feel this good after just 15 minutes of silly it makes me excited to push to keep healing even if it hurts so much and brings up so much old shit.

[princess-ofthewolves]

I hate healing sometimes. Todays chapter was about personal grooming and I think it’s just hard to know that I can confirm behaviors that were 100% grooming for emotional abuse. It’s hard to think of any good or reflect on good feelings when I know they were all just a manipulation tactic to control me.

I’m happy with where I am at with the person I am seeing and all I can think about sometimes is how I could expose myself to more pain. I know that that’s the trauma talking and the person i am seeing has given me no res flags or indications that they have ill intentions for me. But I’m still scared shitless and all I want is physical comfort.

The weighted blanket is helping and I’m going to look into weighted pillows to see if they will help. I am happy we have talked about what I am ready for and they are very much in the same page. I don’t want to mute my love languages just because I was hurt but I also don’t wanna do too much too soon. It’s all a balancing act and I have to remember healing isn’t linear. Emotions are good to feel and I have to in order to move forward. Sometimes I wonder if anyone loves the way I do but I was made to feel like I was the wrong or odd one. My comfort zone is not the truth and I know I have to rewrite my thought process to get rid of all the emotional abuse and personality grooming.

[princess-ofthewolves]

So that was fun 😂def lol forward to that again

[princess-ofthewolves]

tbh i didn’t plan to make it this far in life so i’ve no idea what i’m doing lol

[princess-ofthewolves]

[princess-ofthewolves]

“are u ok”

bro i am completely disconnected from reality right now