privatetransition007-blog

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Seeing my penis for the first time

My week in hospital post will be very long and as I am only one handed right now, I’m going to wait a while so I don’t miss anything. How I feel and how it feels? I am very tired, very up and down. Limited pain so that's good but also relearning how to do things with my only free arm which is my non-dominant arm. When I first saw my penis, I was not at all connected with it. It didn’t register that this is mine and body. I was very out of it so every time I saw it during my hospital stay, it wasn't real plus I’d only see it from a laid down angle apart from my showering day (which was Saturday). Now, I’m 1-week post op and back home. I have seen my penis more and taken photos and it is definitely more real. Touching my penis is strange but cool, it is really soft and smooth.

How heavy does it feel? Weight wise, I don’t really know and won’t 100% know until I’m hanging free (in 2 weeks time). When walking around, all the padding is a lot and heavy in a way but my lower half and general body is still really weak.

Warmth? My penis is incredibly warm to touch and that is amazing. The whole way up and down.

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Night before surgery

 After a 4 hour drive from my hometown, I have arrived in Slough at the Travel Lodge. It’s a local hotel to Spire Thames Valley Hospital, it’s around a 10 minute drive (3 miles). I will be leaving here at 6:15am to hopefully beat any traffic and get to the hospital before 7am which is the time that I am to be admitted. 

In terms of my feelings about the surgery - it’s still so unreal yet. I’m more nervous, worried and scared I believe. I have read a lot of horror stories than I have positive stories on the Facebook group that I am on regarding phalloplasty and because of that, it’s difficult for me to try and be excited. This is because I am terrified of the surgery going wrong and that I will potentially wake up without a penis. 

The way I am and how I’ve always been regarding any surgery is that I want to expect the worst so that when it’s not the worst; I can be happy with the result and I know it’s such a bad way to think about things but I don’t know any other way. 

I am going to be completely honest with how everything goes with tomorrow including if anything goes wrong and of course, if everything goes right. 

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Hi I am currently having electrolysis to remove the hair on my leg for ALT phalloplasty with the London team. I was wondering how long the waiting time was for you between first consultation to your surgery date? It looks like it is quite a while now

I had my first consultation with Mr Christopher in January 2018, I was offered a date for October 2018. I had to turn this down due to still being in university, I requested June 2019 instead (where we are now). I had a second consultation in February of this year (2019) and I received an email and then a letter with a confirmed date in March. 

The average waiting time appears to be between 10 and 12 months from consultation to surgery but also between each stage. 

You’re welcome to come off anon and maybe we could talk more. 

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Lower surgery bag checklist

Having read what others have taken into hospital with them specifically for lower surgery have been helpful to me so here is my checklist: 

- Admission letter (including GP information and District Nurse info) - Baby wipes - Face wipes  - Moisturiser  - Toothbrush & paste  - Roll on deodorant - Chewing gum - Large pair of boxers with button fly - Large pair of shorts  - Stretch waistband joggers - Socks   - Large t-shirt - Phone & charger (entertainment on phone - audiobooks and music) - Laptop & charger - Earphones (charger needed if they are wireless) - Notebook & pen 

I will also have what I travel down to the hospital in which will include a zip-up hoodie so I can wear that on the way home if it’s cold.

All of these things may not be needed but it’s better to have it and not need it than not have it and need it. People have also added a book in there but I don’t want to have to carry too much and I know I won’t read it. 

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My last week without a penis

It’s Thursday (11:49pm) and that means that I have 3 full days left without a penis and that’s insane to think about. I never expected that this day would actually be here, it’s come so quickly I think anyway. My transition hasn’t been the easiest socially or medically but it’s also not been the hardest and I’m grateful that I managed to keep going through it. The next big thing in my countdown is surgery day - sure, I have plans this weekend with my family for their birthdays and such but this time next week; I’ll have a penis. I’ll be in the hospital because of a new body part. I’ll hopefully up and mobile with the help of nurses but that is crazy. 

My excitement, my nerves, my whole emotion surrounding my phalloplasty surgery has been pretty on the low-down and I think it’s finally starting to emerge. I know it won’t completely hit me or feel real until I’m admitted into hospital on Monday morning or even the night before but at least I’m feeling something. 

I’m getting asked more about the surgery by family members and how it works and how long I’ll be up resting for and that’s what is making it more real now. I know I will still have my original anatomy but I will have a penis (not functional as such but still). My life will never be the same after this weekend. 

Bring on the excitement, the nerves, the scared feelings and all the emotions.

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Hey there thanks for sharing your insta! tumblr has so many issues anymore but connecting with other transsexual people is so important. Have you considered a wordpress type of blog for long form text? Also a heads up about your IG post and tattoos/staying stealth, perhaps you could blur them out or edit in some way to maintain stealth? Sorry if this is weird at all and kudos to you man for sharing your story.

Using the word transsexual rather than transgender has been something that I’ve been very nervous to do, of course, it’s only online and I wouldn’t want others to call me such. 

You’re more than welcome to come off anonymous and we can talk - still privately of course. This way you could tell me what type of blog thing I could use to post more, though I have made an instagram. 

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Dysphoria when dressing formally

I’m attending a funeral today and my outfit consists of a white shirt, black trousers, a black jacket and tie. For some reason; I am experiencing some crazy dysphoria surrounding the shoes I am wearing - they’re black. I’ve had them for years and I feel as though they make my feet look small. The trousers I am wearing are more chino type than actual formal trouser and while the waist fits me great, the legs are baggier even though they are a skinny fit. 

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1 week to go!

The last few weeks have gone very, very quickly and I don’t quite know how to process that. Even with only a week to go, I have little to no emotions around the surgery even after the pre-operative assessment that I have had today. Now, this isn’t because I’m not excited or looking forward to surgery but maybe because I’m going through some personal things also. 

Everything regarding my surgery begins at the end of this week, on Sunday. I travel down to Slough to the Spire Thames Valley Hospital with my uncle. I will be staying in a hotel on Sunday night before my admission to the hospital early Monday morning. I will be updating on that day about how I feel.  

This time next week, I will have a penis and that is crazy to think about. 

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Pre-op appointment for phalloplasty

Being that the hospital I’m going in is a private hospital - I needed to have a pre-op with them personally to cover all bases.  St Peters Andrology Centre: June 3rd, 2019. This was a very brief mainly because I was dealing with a family emergency which ended up being a family death but also due to that, I didn’t really focus and write too much down.  I was asked general questions about whether I had any allergies or not; this was to both medications and food that I would be provided. I was given a quick rundown of what surgery I would be having and was told to bring the information for District Nurses and for my GP’s surgery too to give to the nurses on the ward. I was told that I would have a 4 weeks post op appointment at Harley Street in London, date to be given either whilst in the hospital or shortly afterwards. I was told that I can travel internationally at 4 - 5 weeks post-op. Spire Thames Valley Hospital: June 10th, 2019.  This pre-op assessment was much more in depth because I was able to ask questions and not be focused on my family emergency, still emotional as I am; I was able to make decent notes.  The same thing happened where I was told to bring my District Nurses information and my GP’s surgery information (as well as any medication that I am on which isn’t testosterone).  I spoke to a woman named Kris (or Chris) and she was very nice and easy to talk to especially about something so personal. Like St Peters, she ran through my procedure and what I should expect. I’m having left radial forearm flap phalloplasty with upper buttocks grafts. She told me that I’ll be there in the hospital for 6 nights. In regards to instructions before surgery, I cannot eat anything after midnight but can drink tea, coffee and water. The morning of surgery, I cannot have any tea or coffee after 6am. 

When I get to the hospital at 7am, I will be taken to my own private room with a bathroom attached and will get my general obs taken by the nurse (blood pressure etc). I will have swaps taken from my nose (like I did with my chest surgery). I will be given some antibacterial surgery scrub to shower with before the actual surgery. My surgery time will be around 9am. She said that for the first two days post op, I will be treated as if I have MRSA due to having not been able to check pre-surgery. 

The surgery will take 6 - 8 hours if all goes well. The visitors that I have will be allowed to stay in my room whilst I’m in surgery. The person who is on my contact information will be called once I am out of surgery. The visiting times are fairly open, they just expect visitors to be out by 10pm. There is a water cooler as well as tea and coffee. After surgery, I will be taken in the HDU (High Dependency Unit) for the night. For up to 24 hours and maybe more - the nurses will check the blood supply of my phallus (even if I am asleep). 

In terms of pain relief, I will have access to regular pain medication via a button and line into my hand/arm and I can ask the nurses for additional pain relief if I need to. I will have one drain and one catheter and they will both come out once I am up and walking about which the nurse said is usually 3 - 4 days post op. 

A couple of days before I would be due to be discharged from the hospital; the nurses will shower me and show me to how to do so because it will be rather difficult to do once home and I need another person besides me. 

She told me that I will be given dressings to go home with and can arrange with my District Nurse which dressings I will need, too. She mentioned that I will be able to bring my laptop for entertainment being that there is decent WiFi there. 

I asked about the travelling internationally to confirm if the previous pre-op was accurate and she said that with me planning to travel at 6 weeks and 4 days post op, I should be fine to do so. 

If anyone has any questions about the pre-op assessment or if you feel I’ve missed anything out, feel free to message me 

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4 years on testosterone

Yesterday was my 4 years anniversary on testosterone

The last 4 years have been amazing in terms of my medical transition. I have changed so much that I hardly recognize the person that I was whilst I was pre-testosterone. I started my medical transition when I was 19 so I have been medically transitioning all of my adult life and will continue to do so. 

It has been a very full 4 years of changes and I’m so proud of how far I have come mentally and physically all because of taking testosterone. During the first year, I was misgendered a lot and it really bothered me and I didn’t understand how people didn’t see me as a male because I had short hair and I was wearing male clothing but I realize now that I genuinely didn’t pass but desperately wanted to. I didn’t pass completely until around 6 - 8 months on testosterone and even then I would be misgendered by my family for up to 2 years. 

I have experienced around 3 voice drops over the space of around 2 and a half years, a lot of body hair, lower growth, mood changes including sexual libido. I have had chest surgery with Mr Kneeshaw in Hull, United Kingdom and this included a revision surgery. My lower growth was noticeable but also was enough for me to notice and it to make a change to my body physically and also during sexual activity. The mood changes mentioned include confidence in myself as a man and that has really come on within the last couple years especially and I believe that to be because I began to 100% pass as male. 

In the first 3 years, I have attended the gender clinic (Porterbrook Clinic in Sheffield) every so often and have since been discharged after my lower surgery referral. I’m fortunate that I started my medical transition when the waiting times on the NHS Gender Clinics were fairly low and I managed to transition medically quite quickly. 

I feel like I have missed something but I can’t think what it is. If anyone has any questions, please ask. 

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I did have one of my pre-op phone calls today however won’t be posting too much for a while. There has been a family death and I need time to heal and grieve. 

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Pride Month & accepting my identity

As a fair warning, this post is fairly negative so don’t read it if you don’t want to read about transphobia, dysphoria and general lack of pride around being transgender 

As we all know that June is Pride Month and that’s amazing. People should be proud to be who they are whether that is to do with their sexuality or gender. But here is how I feel about my transition (and sexuality): 

When I first started to transition, I realized not only was I actually male but I was also bisexual (I knew I liked both genders but never really thought in depth). The first boyfriend I ever had only started to speak to me because I was transgender and so was he. He was manipulative and since then I disliked my identity of being trans because people used my trans-ness to get to me.

I believe that I have some form of internalized transphobia, only about myself and not towards others. My family weren’t very accepting and still kind of aren’t so I think it sprouted from that. There was also an incident at a youth center I attended where the staff/volunteers just didn’t see me as a male at all. This was before I started medically transitioning and I swore to myself that the second I could - I would go stealth and that is exactly what I did. 

I’m not proud to be transgender. I really never have been. But I am proud that I managed to transition into who I was supposed to be. Honestly, I think that it is the label of being transgender rather than the actual transition. Like in a previous post I made: transsexual is what fits me better by definition than transgender.

Pride Month is cool for those who are completely proud of their identities or their partners/friends/families etc. I’m more proud of being bisexual than I am of being transgender. 

Please contact me if anyone else has felt this way or does feel this way so that we can talk about it 

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Excuses to be used for surgery

Chest surgery: I had a double incision with free nipple grafts. I haven’t yet been questioned about my scars because I’m not usually topless around people, and when I am, that person knows I’m transitioning. The excuse that I will use if I am ever asked will be that I had gynecomastia and had to have surgery to remove the excess tissues/skin. Being overweight is a common cause of gynecomastia and this will work well for me as I’m not thin and I am carrying a little weight on me. 

Another excuse here for having double incision scars is in some ways opposite to gynecomastia and that is weight loss. Losing excessive weight can leave a lot of excess skin, and the surgery results to remove that skin looks a lot like the results of the double incision.

Lower surgery: There are a lot of different excuses that could be used for lower surgery especially phalloplasty being that it needs a graft from the forearm or thigh. 

Third degree burns to need a skin graft  This is the most common excuse that I have seen to be used for the forearm graft being used. Most burns, depending on the degree, need some form of skin graft. Abdominal surgery  This excuse can be used to explain the recovery time and the area of the body is similar to the area where lower surgery actually takes place. This is the excuse I am using to my roommates who I will be living with when I move. I also told my wife’s family that I am having abdominal surgery. It is what it is, I don’t have to go into too much detail and it works personally for me because I have had stomach issues in the past which they already know about. 

Lower back surgery Again with the abdominal surgery, this is all you would have to say without going into too much detail. I’m going to add this into my excuse because where my graft is coming from to cover my forearm is my lower back/upper buttocks area. 

What other people can do if someone asks about the time off they might need, or about the surgery scars or the recovery is that it’s personal and it’s not something you’d want to discuss. 

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Do you think that you’ll be able to have intercourse after stage one? Don’t answer if it’s too personal

I don’t mind answering any questions that anyone may have.

Now if you’re talking about using the phallus, the new penis for intercourse; it is possible. I have done research on this topic because I am interested, and I have found that you can buy sleeves on most adult sex toy stores which will give the penis a harder feel - to be more like an erection. There is something called “The Elator” which isn’t a sleeve but I’ve found this to be expensive, around the $300 range. 

And if you were talking about using the original anatomy after stage one, that depends on what kind of stage one you have. Mine only involves the creation of the phallus, so I could have intercourse if I wanted to. From speaking with someone who has experienced the same stage one that I am having, intercourse with original anatomy is possible.  

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Sharing my results

Follow up 

I have made an Instagram account where I will be sharing more explicit photos than what Tumblr will allow. If you want to follow me, and give your support to me as I will do to you. 

My Instagram is the exact same as here: privatetransition007 

Feel free to personally message me for those results if you are respectful and genuinely interested in pursuing phalloplasty in the future. I won’t share with just anyone for obvious reasons. 

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Dysphoria is needed to be transsexual/transgender.

“Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity” - Gender Dysphoria, NHS

I have already posted this but I will post it again just in more depth because there is a clear need for people to be ignorant and frankly, wrong. You need dysphoria to be transgender, if you don’t have it, then you aren’t actually transgender by definition. 

If I didn’t have dysphoria around my name and my female pronouns; I wouldn’t have socially transitioned and started using male pronouns and using my now legal male name. 

If I didn’t have dysphoria around my higher voice, my body shape, the way my hairline looked, and how my chest was (just to name a few things). I wouldn’t have started on testosterone and had chest surgery. 

If I don’t have dysphoria surrounding my current anatomy, then why would I be pursuing phalloplasty surgery? 

To summarise that; if I didn’t have dysphoria. I’d stay a female. 

There will always be people who say that I’m wrong but I’m completely the opposite. I’m right. I’ve researched. I’ve spoken to medical professionals. The gender clinic where I got my diagnosis said that people need to be dysphoric in order to be medically and mentally transgender. Anyone can say that they are transgender, it’s a free world, people claim to be anything these days. People can change their pronouns and their name but that doesn’t make them transgender in the slightest. The diagnosis and the dysphoria does. 

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The real countdown begins - it’s surgery month!

Happy June

My first stage radial forearm flap phalloplasty is just around the corner, it’s that time to begin the countdown (not that I haven’t been counting). When I got my confirmation of the surgery date in March; I thought it would take a very long time for June to come around, and it really hasn’t been that long in reality. 

It doesn’t feel real as yet, and I have no excitement or even any nerves (which is unnerving in itself). By the time that this month is over, my body will be completely changed and I will have a penis that isn’t made of silicone or rubber. I will be honest about every thought and feeling that I have regarding my surgery, and I won’t try to make it better or worse than it is. 

The most surprising and shocking thing to me is that we are already half way through 2019 and that it’s Pride Month. So Happy Pride Month. I won’t be attending any Pride events this year because the ones in my local area aren’t very good but also... I wouldn’t be fit enough to go anyway. 

I think once I’ve had my pre-op phone call on Monday then that might change. I will make a post then and give some more updates about how I feel, and what is said on the phone conversation. I’m sure I’ll have lots of notes.