programaticallydelicious

[programaticallydelicious]

[programaticallydelicious]

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

[programaticallydelicious]

[programaticallydelicious]

My casino has new top-of-the-line technology to stop heists: a montage detector. If those bastards want to break in and steal my money, they’re doing it as part of one, long take

[programaticallydelicious]

Unknown Photographer. London, 1930s

[programaticallydelicious]

I was teaching kids today and they got fixated on the usual ‘are they dead now?’ question when I was talking about historical figures. So I was just like ‘Yes, they’re dead now, everyone who was alive in the 1800s is dead now.’ and then one kid was like ‘Except for you’.

[programaticallydelicious]

My friend claimed he could play Flight of the Bumblebee and accompany himself. Then he did this.

[programaticallydelicious]

Just saw a post asking how tall people are and now I want to make it a poll. Apologies to people in the fringe height categories, you do not get specifics.

I had to consult a chart for this

[programaticallydelicious]

Apparently there was some kind of race scheduled at a local park or something so I've been trying to avoid the main trail but a little while ago when I had to cross near it I overheard the following shouted exchange

Higher feminine voice: woo, look at you go! You're jogging! Keep it up!

Lower masculine voice (panting): you know it! Last place is still a place, baby!

And goddamn if that didn't rewire my brain a little bit.

Last place is still a place, baby.

[programaticallydelicious]

[programaticallydelicious]

so true

[programaticallydelicious]

Brass nails and why I have them.

Ever since last night I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my brass fingernails. First of all. NO, they are not prosthesis. i have them for a specific reason.

Here’s what they look like:

another view 

HERE’s is the reason:

I bite my nails all the time. constantly, idly, without thinking.

If you’re like me, and love giving back scratches, then having no nails is a problem:

Here’s how chose to fix this problem:

Shoot bullet, collect casing.

cut bullet.

The bullets have a taper inside. we will want the broader side of the taper to be outward on our nails, and the thinner side against the rear of the nail so there is no jutting up of material when they are glued on. Here’s what that taper looks like, one cylinder is flipped over to show how thick it is at the base:

clip, bend, and trim into a nail shape:

sand for a fine (BUT NOT CUTTING SHARP) edge on the front and smooth edges.

Glue with Krazy glue, it’s the best.

it’ll dry quick. NOW TRY BACK SCRATCHES. LOOK AT THIS DIFFERENCE.

Amazing. the nails will stay on for about a week at a time before working themselves loose, when that happens just scrape the glue off and reapply.

Unless you happen to have reached into the closet and snagged it on your shelves and broke the nail off on your pinky cuz holy god that hurt. reapply anyways.

Also these work as screwdrivers, knives and various other multi-tools at the tip of your finger, so that’s pretty rad. I don’t know how odd i should feel about having done this, but i must say; it’s handy as hell and really fun to have nails again.

OH, also you can shine them with “brasso” or something but screw that, I’ve tried that and they get mirror bright and really annoyingly shiny. not my thing.

[programaticallydelicious]

cannot stop thinking about this tweet… AUGH 😭

[programaticallydelicious]

rip to all the “fuckyeah___” blogs that carried our society at one point </3

[programaticallydelicious]

I like the idea of a Vulcan character who constantly does very reckless things so her human crewmates think she's strange but then she always has a logical explanation she delivers with absolute confidence.

"No, it was perfectly logical for me to jump out of the shuttle at that time. I had a breathing apparatus, and I was certain I could seal the subspace rift by hand before the Romulans opened fire. This was the only solution that would result in zero casualties. I might have died, but giving up is illogical."

She's known as one of the most fearless members of the crew.

Other Vulcans try not to acknowledge her.

[programaticallydelicious]

[programaticallydelicious]

stop reading tomes with the gnomes and come read a scroll with the ghoul