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Sunny Sunday

Hello hello,

hope your day has been great so far :) When I woke up today, I just laid in my bed for a while and looked at the sun rays coming in through my window. I felt incredibly blessed. My windows were perfectly clean, my bedroom was clean and the weather was fantastic. I’m honestly amazed how calm having an organized apartment leaves me. And how easy it is to maintain this state of things. I’m really lucky that I get to stay home so much during this time, as it really helps me to build good habits and to stick to them. Not that the general situation (quarantines) is good right now, but I think that’s important to make the best of it. And if I can get some personal growth out of it, I’m going to welcome that whole-heartedly. 

On to my plans for this lovely day: ❍ go collect a package from my neighbors (arrived much earlier than it was supposed to be, so I wasn’t home) ❍ put a load of laundry in the wash ❍ vacuum the car ❍ write a shopping list for tomorrow morning ❍ write my letters of cancellation  ❍ wash my pillow ❍ wash my curtains ❍ put the compost-starter in my little compost pot ❍ continue in my guest-bedroom ❍ cook something yummy ❍ do some dusting ❍ mop the floors ❍ do the dishes and prepare everything for tomorrow ❍ stretch and dance ❍ check up on my best friend ❍ paint my toe-nails

Update after dinner: ✓ got the package ✓ put compost starter in my compst ✓ cooked something yummy (salad and salmon) ✓ did the dusting ✓ washed my pillow ✓ did the laundry and hung it ✓ washed my curtains ✓ mopped the floors ✓ did the dishes and prepared everything ...and then I just talked to my friend for hours before showering, skincare and going to bed :D All in all, it was a great day.  Hope your days were good, as well!

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Good morning

Rise and shine :) I got up on time and have had a relaxing morning so far. In a minute, I’ll change into my workout clothes and do some stretching and very slow, light dancing again. 

Here’s the plan: ❍ put a load of laundry in the washing machine ❍ put the dry laundry away when I get back from work ❍ go to work at 7:15am ❍ find out how/if/when I work next week ❍ do a bit of grocery shopping after work ❍ continue to work on my guest-bedroom ❍ write a few notices of cancellation to save myself some money ❍ wash my pillows

Update after work: Ha ha. I can just push most of this list to tomorrow. I worked for seven instead of the two intended hours and found the parking lot of my grocery store of choice to be completely packed. I didn't attempt to get in. No, thank you. Thankfully, my pantry is stocked and all my intended purchases are cautionary purchases, not things I desperately need.  Then, I called my grand-parents and my elderly aunt. I didn’t want to cut any of those conversations short, they feel very lonely and isolated right now. I hope I could make their day a bit better :)

So, here’s the revised plan: ✓ went to work on time ✓ found out what my work-life will look like for the week ✓ got gas, the prices are low right now and making sure my car is all fueled up seems like a good idea 

❍ work on my guest-bedroom ❍ sweep my floors ❍ fold the dry laundry  ❍ do the dishes, prepare for the next morning ❍ do some stretching and gentle dancing

Before bed update: ✓ swept my floors ✓ folded my laundry ✓ did the dishes and put out my clothes for tomorrow Everything else went out the window.  My best friend called me, extremely upset, as she found out that her fiancé is cheating on her.  Apparently, she was contacted by a woman who was contacted by her fiancé for a hook-up on facebook. She looked at his profile after chatting for a while, saw that he is engaged and chose to contact her instead and forward screenshots of their messages to my friend. She had hunches of him cheating before (got a glimpse of suspicious messages when his phone lit up on the table with the notifications) but he always managed to explain it away.  Well, she’s finally had enough now.  Unfortunately, I can only be there for her via phone now. I might have time to visit, but I’m not allowed to due to the current restrictions.  I’ll do my best to support her and be the best friend I can be, though. Hope you all have a relaxing night and stay safe!

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Let’s go

Good morning, dear people! I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good day. I’m sooooo excited, the first little plants are breaking through *-*

Honestly, I’m so proud! I’ve never grown anything from a seed ever before. I’m pretty sure quite a few won’t grow at all, but I’m so happy that I managed to get two to grow so far. I’ve never been into gardening before, but I can really see how satisfying it must be now.

Now, here’s my to do list: ❍ vacuum the whole apartment ❍ take a second look at my guest-bedroom and re-organize some things ❍ finish cleaning my balcony ❍ clean my windows ❍ fold my dry laundry ❍ cook a nice meal (potato-spinach-casserole, I think) ❍ dance a little (I’m really feeling better, but I won’t overdo it) ❍ do my nails

After lunch update: Soooo.... I’ll be honest, I somehow didn’t turn out to be very motivated today. That might be connected to the fact that I feel a lot of anxiety about the whole corona situation we have going on right now.  Basically, a ban on going out might be issued today and I’m not sure how that will affect my work. The uncertainty is just stressing me out. Writing this down is really helpful, though. I already feel a bit better :)  So far, I got a little bit done: ✓ vacuumed the living room ✓ cooked a nice meal ✓ did my nails

I’m kind of avoiding my guest-bedroom and my balcony right now. I guess, I’m just making a bigger deal of these things than I should.  But, that’s my general problem, I think. I tend to get anxious pretty easily.  Clutter stresses me out. Dirty environments stress me out. And the chaotic situation going on around here stresses me out, too.

It’s just one of those days, when I’d love to just hide out in a little cottage out in the woods. That’s the whole point of this blog, though. I want to create my perfect little home that just makes me feel good, when I come back to it.  And I’m already starting to get there.  It’s actually incredible that it’s been less than a month and my life has already changed so much.  I’ve managed to establish nice routines, that save me when life just does it’s thing and throws a wrench in things.  And I’m slowly but surely chipping away at the idea in my head that cleaning is this big, inconvenient thing.  My mom always had a cleaning day, while I was growing up. Every Thursday, she was in a bad mood and waiting until dad and I got out of the house, so she could get everything done.  Cleaning always seemed to be a big thing to me, due to that. Not something you can just happily do throughout the week, no, it was too much and somehow so annoying that I couldn’t be in a good mood when doing it. Well... I actually enjoy cleaning, though. And I’m pretty sure that my mom would enjoy it more, if she didn’t let it ruin a whole day for herself.

6pm update: ✓ vacuumed the whole apartment ✓ worked a little bit in my guest-bedroom, not perfect but perfectly fine :) ✓ cleaned my windows  ✓ finished cleaning the balcony

I still have to fold my laundry, but as it’s still damp, I’ll postpone that to tomorrow. 

Now, I’ll do the dishes, prepare everything for tomorrow, do a general pick-up around the apartment for 10min and then I’ll do some stretching a very, very careful dancing. 

Bedtime update: ✓ prepared everything ✓ stretched and danced ✓ did my skincare and took my meds Also, a short update on the corona situation I’ve been worrying about: - I’ll only work for two hours tomorrow and got Sunday off again - No order to stay home, but there were restrictions issued (only leaving home for work, groceries, meds or caring for someone) and restaurants were ordered to close - there’s no staff roster for next week yet (it’s Saturday). So I’m assuming they want to close the hotel. But I’ll probably find out tomorrow.

Well, overall, it was a good day. Thanks for following along, everyone :)  Goodnight and sweet dreams to everyone!

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Hello again

Well, here we are.  A few days passed again, since the last time I wrote.  It’s currently march 19th and basically my whole county (I’m not in the US, but that seems to be the best equivalent) is in corona panic mode. Schools are closed, most shops are closed, all public events are cancelled and I’m not sure if the hotel won’t close down soon as well. I’m still on my forced vacation, but I’ve been sick for about a week now. It’s just the flu, but it really threw a wrench in things.  I can finally get things done again since yesterday, but I’m still on medication and have to make sure not to overwork myself.

Well, I still have two days of vacation until I need to work again, when I count today.  So the plan for today is this: - get back on track in small 15min intervals, with 15min of break in between - with these chunks of time I want to achieve this: ❍ call my dentist about postponing my appointment for today... I don’t want to cough at anyone ❍  pick up around the apartment and finally put the rest of my shopping away ❍  finish assembling the new cupboard I bought for my bathroom ❍  re-organize my pantry ❍  dust and vacuum everywhere ❍  FINALLY cook something again

Evening update: ✓put my shopping away ✓re-organized my pantry ✓cooked :D :D  ✓postponed my dentist’s appointment successfully ✓finished assembling my new cupboard and put the stuff in that I wanted to put in I still got to pick up throughout the apartment, do the dishes, prepare my things for tomorrow, hang up my laundry and take a shower.  It’s already 8pm, though, and I promised myself to go to bed at 9:30. I just took much longer to get things done than I usually would have. 

Still, I’d like to get these things done today. I just want to wake up to my apartment in a “normal” condition tomorrow morning. 

Before bed update: ✓ got most of it done

Only thing missing is the vacuuming, but I don’t want to do that so late, as to not disturb my neighbors. Instead, I kind of re-organized my bathroom cupboard a little better. I now get a nice sense of calm, when I enter the bathroom. Less clutter, more relaxation for my eyes and my mind :) Good night :D

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Ugh

So... I just wrote a loooooong, very personal, cathartic post about my life and my computer just decided to crash and lose it. 

Okay, let’s recap: - it’s been more than a week since writing my last post. I’m very glad that I actually queue them or I would have freaked out because I failed my commitment to post daily. I’m just not ready/able to post in “real time” for now.  - my car broke down and repairs would have been so expensive, that I just decided to buy a new one. I love my new car, but the whole experience took a lot of my energy and time. - work has been... ugh. Occupancy is down because events keep getting cancelled because of the fear of the corona virus. My boss has been a terrible grouch because of it and took out his mood on all of us. I’ve been urged to take my left-over vacation days spontaneously to save labour costs and am now on vacation.  Here’s the cut if you don’t feel like reading about my personal struggles.

Now, let’s buckle up. Clearing out clutter and cleaning my home slowly but surely, left me with an awful lot of emotion to deal with. Every problem once was a solution for something else. And that is definitely true for my chaotic home. I lived in chaos, because I know that I won’t have anybody over when my home is like that.  The truth is, that I’ve been trying to keep myself safe and make life easier for myself.  I’ve been in a terribly abusive relationship when I was a teen, which left me with deep scars.  Keeping people away and having a good reason to not let people in is a way of protecting myself from being victimized again.  When I don’t let anybody in, I won’t let the wrong person in either.  But... I’d love to let someone in.  I long to make a home not just for myself but for a loving partner too. 

It’s just... I have no idea where to start.  I’ve been in two relationships since it all happened and I can’t help but feel that I somehow addressed my problems in a wrong way. The first problem is, when do you tell someone about the abuse you experienced?  Personally, I like to do it as soon as possible, before either of us get too emotionally invested, just in case he decides that he can’t deal with it. Also, I have terrible anxiety about having that talk and can’t really open up until I’ve got it out of the way. 

Then, there’s the second problem. I tell them about the consequences the past has on my behavior (can’t do certain sex acts, I freak out at certain banal things) and either, I’m told they can’t deal with it and that’s fine or there’s the ones who say they can deal with it.  Unfortunately, so far, they fell into two categories: - “Oh... you can’t stand this and that? No problem, I’m never gonna do that!”  A few weeks later: “Wait- I really can’t do that? Don’t you trust me?���  A few more weeks later: “Seriously, you should trust me enough to let me do that! It’s not like I’m gonna”- Yeah. It doesn’t matter if he really isn’t that past boyfriend. I still can’t do x sexual act with him or do this or that, because it makes me think of that boyfriend. And 1. I can’t deal with that and 2. I don’t want to think about my abuser when being with someone I care about.  - they treat me like I’m made from spun glass. Like I’m not an adult. Like they need to save me. Like I’m some kind of poor little saint who can do no wrong.  Both lead to break-ups.  And I don’t want to go through that again. Because it makes me feel like it’s all my fault, when it happens.  Yes, I’m difficult.  Yes, I might have fairly strict rules and boundaries but - am I not allowed to have that?  I’m always upfront about boundaries and rules for being with me. I’m honest about behaviors I might fall into and how to call me out for it. 

I’m just... I’m not sure what to do.  Just writing this makes me feel like I expect too much. Like I can’t expect people to stick to boundaries I’ve informed them off because it’s unfair that they have to. 

It’s hard not to blame myself, when those feelings come up.  But, my therapist thankfully hammered into me that I can’t be blamed for someone else’s expectation that clearly set boundaries won’t be enforced. That’s on them, not on me.  All I can do, is to be honest about those boundaries and steadily work to keep up a clear, honest line of communication. 

I really would love to get in a relationship. I would love to get to love someone.  And... perhaps the disillusioned girl in me would like to get the wonderful surprise that there truly is a good man out there who wants to be with her. Not just people who project desires on her or want to use her.  ** as you might have gathered from my change from first to third person, that just hit me really hard. I’m sorry if it’s confusing.** I guess what I’m saying is, that I’d like to take steps to feel secure enough to get in a serious relationship. To finally create the home I always dreamt of.  And that it’s hard to let go of the steps I took, until now, to protect myself from being disillusioned again.  But, in these past weeks, I’ve learned that I can keep a lovely little home of my own, no matter what life throws at me. I get to have a little piece of heaven, even if the outside gets chaotic.  And I don’t have to let anyone in, if I don’t want to. 

But it’s nice to be able to. To really have the choice to invite people, without being embarrassed by the state of my home.  It’s liberating, in a way. I’m not yet sure how to deal with that “overwhelming” kind of freedom, but I’m sure I will be fine.  Also, I started a little compost-pot on my balcony. I’d love to start growing herbs on my balcony and I’d be so happy to be able to fertilize them with home-made compost. 

So, photos of my balcony to come :D

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A new week

Hello there,

it’s Monday again, my 8th day of doing this.  ( it’s march 2nd at the time of writing this) A new week my last day of work before having two days off.  A new week and my last day of work before having two days off.  To no one’s surprise, I got up late. Why? I have a hard time falling asleep when there’s a storm going on outside and fell asleep shortly after midnight. So, I woke up at 6am, with a maximum of 40 minutes to get to work on time.  I was 10min late. And I didn’t even feel guilty about that.  I’m pretty organized and managed to get everything done easily that I need to do before 8am.  I left work at 4:30pm and decided to go grocery shopping. Yay for thinking ahead and having reusable shopping bags in the car :)  Corona-virus-panic is slowly setting in around here and quite a few things are sold out. I was so, so happy to be as prepared as I am. Even if I wouldn’t have been able to get all my groceries, I still would have been able to eat good, healthy meals throughout the upcoming week.  Now, it’s 8:30pm and here’s what I’ve done so far: ❍ put most of my groceries away ❍ put my load of laundry in the washing machine and set the timer so it’s done in the morning ❍ took out the trash ❍ de-cluttered and organized my snacks shelf in my cupboard ❍ had dinner (cup of tea and a bit of bread with lemon curd. Never had lemon curd before and wanted to try it so bad)

Update from the next day: Aaaand then, I talked to my parents on the phone for an hour and got to bed. 

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Day 6&7

Hello hello,

well, here we are.  I completely fell off the wagon yesterday and I’m trying to get on again. In a way, it’s good that it happened yesterday.  It happened, and now I can get over the fear of it happening. I fell off the wagon and today I feel like I can get back on it.   I’m not just throwing the towel in and calling it a failure again, like I did so often.

Here’s a short little recap of yesterday’s chaos: - I got up at 3:30am, had breakfast, picked up my bathroom, worried about what kind of mess I was going to find at work, got ready and went to work (15min early, yay!) - Started work at 5:45am. The mess was worse than expected and one maid called out sick. As a result, I was at work until 5pm, managed to squeeze in 10min of break-time for a cup of tea (didn’t have water all day... yikes) and a granola bar and rushed back and forth between doing laundry, cleaning rooms, cleaning the event rooms and checking rooms.  As you can imagine, I was completely beaten down when I got home. My whole body was hurting from all the rushed bending and pulling and lifting and I was so hungry I was severely tempted to just drive by McDonalds for something to eat.  Instead of McDonalds, I ate the remains of my tuna-casserole and had a hot chocolate as dessert.  Then, I just stayed on the couch for a while, ready to nod off.  Trying to pick myself back up, I decided to do 15min in my guest-bedroom. That went well... 1 minute in, I was about ready to cry.  I had no clue what to do. There was nowhere for me to put stuff and I just felt completely overwhelmed. But, I’ll still count this as a success.  I understood why I can’t seem to get that room in order. First, I need to figure out where I want to put things, then I can do exactly that.  For now, I’ll re-organise my wardrobe, to see if I need any of the storage boxes I piled up in my guest-bedroom in there. Then, I’ll know if I can get rid of some of them.  After that little meltdown, I took a bath, prepared everything for today, did my skincare and fell asleep.  That left me with no dishes done, no sweeping or dusting done, sheets and towels to be changed and trash to take out. Still, I did enough to allow me to get up to a mostly clean kitchen, my outfit laid out, breakfast prepared and my skin taken care of.  That’s how we get to today.  Today, I got up late. I woke up at 6:30am, which left me with an hour until I had to head out to work. It wasn’t fun or relaxed, but I still had a nice breakfast, did a hair mask and washed my hair.   Work was, yet again, stressful. A lot of left-over laundry from yesterday, event spaces to clean and too many rooms waiting. I managed to drink some water throughout the day and squeezed in 15min of break to eat. All I could get at the time was a piece of cake, but at that point, I was ready to take anything to get my blood-sugar levels back up.  I got home shortly after 5pm and, since then, had dinner and sat on my couch for little.  I fixed myself a “buddha-bowl” of my mixed salad, the quinoa and lentils I cooked, a bit of salmon and my dressing.  Honestly, I feel great. And I’m very proud of myself for cooking all this stuff in advance, so I can eat good, healthy food without much of a hassle. I’ll probably have a hot chocolate a bit later, but now I’m ready to tackle my list: ❍ do my dishes  ❍ dust everything, vacuum all floors ❍ spray down my bathroom and wipe it down ❍ re-organize my wardrobe for 15min ❍ roll out my muscles, stretch and dance for 30min ❍ do my skincare and shower ❍ prepare everything for tomorrow ❍ sort laundry for tomorrow and put the trash next to the door so I can easily take it out in the morning

8:40pm update: ❍ did the dishes  ❍ dusted, sprayed down the bathroom, stripped the bed and put the towels in the laundry (bathroom, tea towels, bathroom rug) ❍ had my hot chocolate ❍ vacuumed all my apartment, wiped down my bathroom, re-mad the bed, put new towels in the bathroom ❍ sorted the laundry for tomorrow ❍ ended up mopping the whole apartment ❍ sorted through my wardrobe and threw a bit of stuff out ❍ prepared everything for tomorrow Holy moly... so, I thought I need to buy black tights soon. And that I might need new panties. Ha. Haha.  Nope.  I do not. Turns out, I managed to get things mixed up in my (way too small) baskets and just couldn’t find half the stuff I own.  Let’s just say I could go three weeks, changing my tights daily, without running out. And over a month not washing my underwear without a problem. How did I not know this?

9:40pm update: ❍ had a nice bath, a face mask and shaved my legs ❍ did some stretching ❍ did my skincare  Now, it’s definitely bedtime for me. I’m very proud and grateful that I managed to get back on track so well.  Of course, I’m still scared of losing it again. I don’t want to go back to a messier home. I like what my apartment is starting to look like.  I look forwards to seeing my home a few weeks from now. And myself.  Ever since I lived alone, I’ve never really managed to create a home for myself.  I had an apartment, yes. I had furniture and clothes that I liked, but it never felt like MY home.  Hopefully, this makes sense, I’m kind of rambling here.  This whole thing isn’t just about chores and managing my home.. it’s about creating a life that I truly enjoy.  Hopefully, I’ll be successful.

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Hello lovely people! It’s currently 7:30pm and my day is nearly over. Now, let me recap for you: ❍ made my bed, sweeped and picked up after myself this morning ❍ had a lovely, warm breakfast (scrambled eggs on bread & an apple) I got up late again, but I was still perfectly on time leaving my house and got to the hotel with 10min to spare. I didn’t exercise, but apart from that, I got everything I wanted done done.  Work was fun but also a lot today. We have a huge event at the hotel at the moment, so we were all crazy busy.  As a result, I had to stay late again. I left the hotel at 6:40pm and drove to the grocery store to get some bread, milk and a few doritos. I just wanted some to go along with my salad tonight. Now that I’ve had dinner, I’m going to tackle my list:  ❍ 15min in my guest-bedroom ❍ do the dishes and prepare for the next day ❍ stretch and use a foam roller on my sore muscles ❍ shower and do my skincare ❍ go to bed at 9:30 at the latest - I got to be at work at 6am tomorrow So, let’s go! See you later :)  9pm update: ❍ did all the cleaning on my list ❍ did some stretching but skipped the roller  ❍ showered and did my skincare, now I only have to brush my teeth and I’m ready for bed :) I’m sitting on my bed with a nice cup of tea, ready to watch a youtube video I’ve been looking forward to. Before that though, I’ll brush my teeth and pour some drain cleaner down my sinks.  To be honest, I felt a bit dissatisfied half an hour ago. I still feel bad about not going to dance-class and my guest-bedroom is in the stage where the mess seems to be worse before it gets better. I felt like I didn’t accomplish much today. But, I put most of my papers in the folders they belong in.  I guess they just didn’t look like a lot and now my brain is a bit underwhelmed with how much I accomplished in my 15min compared to what I managed the days before. Shucking out trash is a bit faster to do than punching holes in stacks of paper and putting them in folders... But, all in all, I’m okay. I feel prepared or tomorrow and like I still have everything under control. It’s all going to be fine. 

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Fo(u)r shame!

Hello lovely people, so... today was a bust. Kind of. First, I woke up late. YAY! Still ate breakfast, did my skincare, swept my floors and got to work on time, though. Thanks self from a day before for preparing everything I needed in the morning! Work was a bit... ugh.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my work but a lot of people are not feeling well and it’s affecting the whole climate there.  Then, we got snowed in. The hotel is on top of a mountain and there was no way to get up or down for a few hours.  As you can guess, I was stuck there until half past five.  Now, it’s 6:15pm and I’m finally home and ready to get stuff done.  Already done: ❍ prepared my car by putting grease on the rubber around the doors...I’d like to not climb in through the trunk tomorrow. Also took the window de-icer with me in my handbag, so I can start spraying them as soon as I get to my car. My plan: ❍ do the dishes, prepare everything for tomorrow morning ❍ tidy up and dust the living room ❍ water the potted plants ❍ continue to organize the storage space under my bed for 15min ❍ continue to organize my guest bedroom for 15min ❍ finally hang my laundry on the clothes horse ❍ dance/stretch for 30min ❍ shower and do skincare 9:15pm update: ❍ living room is ready ❍ organized the guest-bedroom (I can actually believe that I can get it completely done, now. That’s a huge step for me.) ❍ got the storage space under my bed completely empty and disinfected it ❍ put my duvets and sheets in there (finally, more space in my wardrobe *-*) ❍ hung my laundry to dry ❍ put away the dishes, prepared everything for tomorrow morning ❍ watered my plants ❍ put all the stuff that I found underneath my bed at its rightful place or threw it away

❍ took my shower and did my skincare routine ❍ ate a bit of my casserole and a bit of yoghurt as a dessert

Now, I’m just going to do some light stretching and call it a day.  And a pretty good one at that :) I’ve got to say, I was in a pretty bad mood when I got home: I got up late, work was so-so, then I got back late and it just felt like a typical day... a day that ends with a home that I don’t really enjoy and a whole lot of dissatisfaction.  But, it turned out alright.  Sure, today wasn’t perfect but I didn’t set out for perfection. I just want my life to get a little bit better - and that it did.  I’m fine, my home feels more and more like my home and I can’t wait to see what it’s going to look like a month from now.  So much could change because of these little changes I’m making and I’m really excited to see where it takes me.  Thanks to anyone who decided to join me on this journey!  And even if no one is reading this, writing all this down really makes me heal in ways that I didn’t expect. All I can say is that I’m really thankful for having this opportunity to make a change in my life and I’m going to try my best to keep going.

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Back to work

Day 3, my first day of work for this week.  As a result, my list is a bit shorter, because more of my time is already spoken for. Here we go:  ❍ 15min in my guest-bedroom ❍ finally, fold the clean laundry and put it away ❍ hang the freshly washed laundry on the clothes horse ❍ morning: generally tidy up and make bed, sweep the floors, sort through a drawer/box/shelf for 2-3min and put whatever doesn’t belong there away ❍ take out trash ❍ before bed: do dishes, make any preparations necessary for the next day, take care of any mail, if I have some Also: ❍ give myself a pedicure ❍ go to dance-class I’ll work from 7am today, so I have an early start at 4am.  I like to get up early, so I can enjoy my mornings without feeling much of pressed for time or rushed. There’s nothing better than a calm start in the morning :)  5pm update: ❍ did my 15min in the guest-bedroom this morning ❍ took out the trash, made my bed, tidied, swept floors and sorted  my bedside table’s drawer I loved getting back home today. Coming back to a neat home is so nice and peaceful, I can’t even tell you how much of a difference it makes. My guest-bedroom is getting better and better as well. I still wouldn’t like to have anyone in there, but I’m starting to see how nice it will be in just a few days.  6pm update:  I’m not going to lie: I’ve been sitting on my sofa for an hour now and won’t go to dance-class today. Work was a lot. Let’s just say we had a few really, really trashy guests at the hotel and have to refurbish a room as a result of their stay. Not fun.  As a consequence, I’m really exhausted. Due to time constraints (over-time, surprise) my choice was: a) sit with a cup of tea to reflect a bit and regain my sanity, then do what I planned today in my home, have dinner, dance a bit for myself, do my pedicure, take a shower and go to sleep early vs b) rush through doing half of what I planned to do, have a little snack, brave rush-hour traffic, take a dance-class where I still need to learn the rest of the choreo, rush back home, take my shower, do my pedicure or prepare my home  for tomorrow, shower and fall into bed only to need a bit of time to fall asleep because I feel bad about the stuff I left undone (namely, the laundry) and, as a result, fall asleep later than I should So, i decided on the first option. I feel bad for skimping out on a commitment, but ultimately, I decided to dance because I enjoy it and it’s good for my health - which it won’t be, if I ruin it all by being stressed as hell tonight and very tired tomorrow.  Well, let’s crack on, shall we? 10pm update: ❍ did prepare everything for tomorrow morning, did the dishes, took care of the mail ❍ folded and put away my laundry  ❍ took a nice bath (and already cleaned the tub, go me!) ❍ took a minute to start decluttering the storing space beneath my bed (I’d like to put my duvets, extra pillows and sheets there... currently there is quite a bit of random stuff down there. I’m trying really, really hard not to judge myself) Anyway, here’s a picture of my lovely bath:

I put a shea-butter-heart in there, dried rose petals and dried lavender blossoms. I smell so, so nice right now :) To be honest, I didn’t do any sports today or do a pedicure. But I don’t really mind.  I feel fine with what I did and I can always do my pedicure tomorrow. The same goes for dancing.  Instead of doing those things, I called my parents and vented a bit about my exhausting day. We talked for a little over an hour and I was much more relaxed after that.  Talking to them was really worth skipping those little things :) All in all, today was not perfect. Still, I’m okay with how today went.  I didn’t fall completely off the wagon.  I’m still sitting in a beautiful, clean home, with a fridge full of nice food and get to enjoy a healthy body and supportive family.  I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to know what I’m doing and if I’m taking steps in the right direction. As long as I am doing that, I’m doing just fine. 

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Twice the charm

...or the second day. My last day off work for the week. Voilà, the list for today: ❍ do a load of laundry ❍ another 30min in my nightmare of a guest bedroom ❍ organize my bedroom for 15min ❍ clean the bedroom (dusting, clean under the bed, mop floor) ❍ clean the bathroom (give the tub another scrub, wipe down the wall tiles) ❍ fold yesterday’s laundry ❍ grocery shopping  ❍ meal-prep Also: ❍ do my eyebrows ❍ go for a jog with my coworkers ❍ try to get 30min of dancing in ❍ call my car dealership to get an appointment to get my car serviced ❍ call the denist’s office to make an appointment for some time this year, so I won’t forget later 10am update: ❍ organized my bedroom for 15min (basically: got things out of the wardrobe that I don’t want there, found a few clothes that I’d like to donate) ❍ started to clean under my bed - yikes! 

As you can see, it’s embarrassing and has been haunting me for a while. Got a whole pack of dust-bunnies hiding under that bed...But, I’m finally getting it done. So, no fretting. I’m doing it and I can be proud of that.

Noon update: ❍ bedroom is done  ❍ 15min in my guest-bedroom (30 seemed a bit daunting, so I decided to just do 15min twice instead) Unfortunately, the jog is cancelled :( Some people fell sick, so it was decided that we wouldn’t do it.  I’ll just have to dance a bit longer, then. Not that that’s a hardship ;) Random mid-afternoon update: ❍ bathroom is done  ❍ did my other 15min in my guest-bedroom and it’s starting to look a little less like a war-zone ❍ had a nice, homemade lunch and a cup of coffee ❍ wrote my grocery list And now, I’m procrastinating on calling for my appointments. That’s one of those moments where writing stuff down really helps. If I wasn’t writing everything down as meticiously as I am, I could just think ‘oh, I was busy, that’s why I didn’t do it that day!’ But, I’m not. I’m not too busy to do it.  I just don’t like making phone calls.  Honestly, it’s frustrating how hard it is to do that stuff for myself, when I have no trouble at all doing it at work. I call contractors and vendors all the time but somehow, doing that for my own little problems is hard.  Somehow, my own needs are not high enough a priority to face the minimal discomfort of calling someone.  And it’s important to face that and write it down. Because knowing that I struggle with this and pushing it to the back of my mind doesn’t help me. It hasn’t done anything for me for the last few years and it never will.  5 min later: I HAVE A DENTIST’S APPOINTMENT NEXT MONTH! Go me!  Didn’t reach anyone at the garage, though :(  5pm update: ❍ Shopping is done :) I even met a colleague at the register in one of the shops and had a nice chat ❍ Laundry is in the wash (put on the timer, so it’ll be done when I wake up tomorrow morning. The clean laundry isn’t completely dry yet, so I have to leave it on the clothes horse overnight) Now, I’ll try to ring the garage again, then meal-prep shall begin!

9 pm update: ❍ Meal-prep is done! I made a tuna-veggie-quinoa-casserole (this week is going to be busy at work, so I’m not sure what lunch is going to look like...), a mixed salad (romana lettuce, yellow bell pepper, tomatoes, and cucumber), completely butchered some salmon (it tastes nice, just looks horrible), made a homemade salad dressing, completely butchered some salmon (it tastes nice, just looks horrible),  made croutons with the left-over oil from frying the salmon, made a dessert with raspberries, pomegranate-seeds, greek yoghurt and a few left-over chocolate chips from baking a few weeks ago, also, I cut up some broccoli, so that I only need to throw it in a pot when I want it, and boiled some lentils and quinoa for some starch/protein, if I want to make a salad throughout the week.

❍ I finally reached my garage and got an appointment relatively soon ❍ already cleaned up my kitchen, so no mess is waiting for me tomorrow :) ❍ did my eyebrows ❍ took a nice shower ❍ got everything ready for tomorrow: packed my bag for work, set my breakfast plate out on the counter, set out my clothes and poured concentrated vinegar in the toilet to get rid of the limescale once more (it’s an older toilet and the limescale always comes back after a few weeks...) ❍ did my skincare and am now sitting here with my cup of tea, ready for bed Honestly, I’m really proud of myself today. But I’m also scared. Two days is the longest I’ve ever managed to keep my home the way I like it. Before, everything went great for two days, then, I’d come home after doing over-time and just fall straight into bed. And, just like that, I’d fall off the wagon.

I don’t want to do that again. I always feel horrible when that happens. Also, I’m nervous about going back to work tomorrow. I really enjoy cleaning on my days off. It’s the most relaxing thing for me.  But whenever work starts again, there is just so much going on that I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do it all. And I don’t even have kids or a partner, yikes! Well, hopefully, I’ll figure it out as I go. I’ve got to. Living like I have been so far, is no fun.  So, wish me luck!  In the mean-time, I’ll do my best.

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New Week, new Life

Hi everyone! When you get to read this post, it will be a little over a month old.  I know myself, if I attempt to change so much in my life at once AND try to keep a daily diary of it on here, I’ll get overwhelmed by the “pressure” of posting it. Weird, but that’s me. 

So, I’ll let tumblr do its thing and post this a month later for me. (It’s February 24th today)

As I didn’t work today, I wanted to get a head-start on my mess to make things easier for myself during my work days.

As a result, I had a very long to do list for today:

❍ do all the dishes ❍ clean the kitchen (clean out the fridge, countertops, stovetop, oven, sink, floors) ❍ do a load of laundry ❍ clean the bathroom (sink, toilet, bathtub, floor, change towels) ❍ clean the living room (tidying, dusting, sweeping and mopping the floors) ❍ start on the guest bedroom (tidying, for now... so much tidying) ❍ start straigthening up the car (so much random stuff in there...) This might not look to bad for some of you but for me, it was a lot.  Still, I did my best. 

Until lunch, it looked like this: ❍ most of the dishes done ❍ fridge, countertops, stovetop and oven are clean ❍ bathroom sink and tub are done, towels changed, toilet cleaner sitting in the bowl and doing its thing ❍ living room mostly tidied up

I was pretty proud of myself. It’s hard for me to stay focused when I don’t feel like a have a real deadline. In my mind, I need to be done cleaning when my guests arrive. With no guests arriving, there was no deadline for me and I was caught in my usual mental block of ‘I’m just doing this for me, I can do this whenever- and it doesn’t matter if I don’t... nobody will know.’ Well, I’ll know and I’ll be sad as usual.  But, I finally want my life to change, so I’m going to push myself as far as I can. 

After tea-time update: ❍ laundry is in the wash ❍ kitchen is done completely ❍ bathroom is done ❍ car: all trash is gone, random stuff is no longer in the car but at its rightful place Now, I’m waiting for the laundry and am procrastinating on my guest-bedroom and living room. Ugh. To be honest, I’m only procrastinating on my guest-bedroom and my plans for the living room get mucked up as a result.  Once I’m done with the living room, I HAVE to do the guest-bedroom, you know? I couldn’t just not do one thing on my list. I’d feel like a failure then. But, if the living room isn’t done either, the guest-bedroom doesn’t matter as much, right? At least, that’s what my mind is telling me. And I know it’s bull.  I don’t want to NOT do it, but it’s hard to get started.  My guest-bedroom is a mess. There’s laundry to be folded, letters and papers all over the place and dust-bunnies galore. I avoid the room as much as I possibly can but I hate how much it haunts me whenever I go past the door.  I guess I’ll have to suck it up and remind myself that this is not a one-day task. I promised myself half an hour in that room today, not more, not less. I’ll do my best for that time and then I can be satisfied that I did what I planned to do.  I can do this!

Update after dinner: I did it. I started my timer and did half an hour in the guest bedroom. And it was wild.  I got about half of the pile of clean laundry put away and cleared the desk a little bit (read: shoved piles of papers in the basket/drawer they belong in without sorting them in order). Also, I decided to clean out the basket containing the printer paper. I was honstly disgusted with myself. I found calendar inserts for 2018 in there D: (And a dead spider... but we’ll all ignore that, right?)

Well, now I’ll go get my laundry from the wash and hang it to dry in my guest bedroom. Lucky me, I finally got an empty clothes horse to hang it, too.  Before bed update (10pm): Yay for me! ❍ Living room is picked up, dusted, sweeped and mopped ❍ Laundry is drying in the guest bedroom ❍ already took out the trash from cleaning my guest bedroom ❍ prepared for tomorrow: planned my day, set my alarm, set out my clothes, prepared things for breakfast, sorted laundry so it only needs to go in the wash ❍ changed the sheets, pillow and duvet covers and picked up my bedroom ❍ took a nice bath and shaved my legs  ❍ gave myself a manicure ❍ did all of my skincare routine before bed  So, day number one was a rousing success :D Let’s hope for the best tomorrow.

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Epithany

Hi everyone,

I’m a 28 year old woman from Germany who has been struggeling for the past few years.

While I enjoy my work and am satisfied with my financial situation, I often feel empty inside when I get home. No one but my pets is waiting for me. Well, my sweet pets and a mess.

I’d actually laugh at myself, if the whole thing wouldn’t make me cry.  I work as the executive housekeeper of a hotel - I manage purchases, check rooms and event venues and yet, my own home is a mess. And I’m terribly embarrassed about it. 

What would my co-workers think, if they knew? What would my family think? Thankfully, they don’t. It’s always the same process: the day before someone comes to visit me, I go into a cleaning frenzy until everything is spotless. I know that I can do it. I know how to clean and how to do it fast. It’d be easy to keep my home spotless at all times, but... I just never feel like it needs to be.  Not because I don’t mind the mess. God, I do! It’s just that-

Making a room look nice for guests is easy for me. I want everyone to feel welcome and cared for and it makes me crazy happy.  But... doing that for myself? That’s hard. There’s always this little thought of “it’s just me” that’s niggling away at the back of my mind. As if I’m not important enough to get to feel welcome and cared for.  Realizing that that’s actually the sad, sad thought-process behind this pattern of chaos and cleaning in my life really hurts.  But I’ve got to face it somehow, as I don’t want to keep living this way.  At the start of 2020 I promised myself to treat me better, to take care of myself. And so far, I’ve been doing well: - I joined a dance class and love it - I go out for a jog with coworkers twice a week - I meal-prep a bit (it takes me 10min to throw together a nice dinner, and I’m so, so proud of that progress)

Still, I need to take better care of my home too. Because my home is my rock, the place I can cuddle up in, whenever everything else gets too much.

And I DESERVE to get home to a place I love.  And to be able to invite my loved-ones at the drop of a hat, if I feel like it without worrying about the nearly week-old dishes in the sink. So, I’ll try to do my best. For my present and future self. 

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I want to walk here

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