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propawganda · 2 months ago

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The diary of Yuri Yoshida (September)

Tuesday, September 5th 2017.

I suspect Sayori is mentally ill.

Tuesday, September 5th 2017, again.

I apologize for the brevity of my previous entry, it was a note scribbled in the moment on my walk home from Sayori’s home. Oh yes I should probably give some background, beginning with apologies for neglecting you for the last week or so. Not much has been happening in that time, besides of course continuing to fall deeper into the ‘Sayori Tanaka rabbit hole’ as it were. But I’m getting ahead of myself, I suppose I just want to write about her, anyway. We began exchanging poems last Friday. Everyone, aside from Natsuki, is very talented so far. But something about Sayori’s work has stuck with me, I’d assumed due to everything about her sticking with me. But it wasn’t until today, the meeting today was held in Sayori’s living room and will be for the next two days I think due to school renovations. That I realized why, every poem she writes gives off an aura of childlike wonder and nostalgia, but! There is always an undertone of serious emotion, usually intertwining the nostalgia with melancholy.

After analyzing every poem she wrote over the last five days, which I have committed to memory and rewritten on your last page

I am realizing how creepy that sounds, whatever.

I am beginning to get the idea whether intentionally or not that they all may be a cry for help. This worries me.

Aside from my concerns for my sweet sunflower, this week has been good. I believe Natsuki and I are close to becoming friends, I believe that beyond her aggravating exterior she is in fact a sweet girl, I hope to see more of this girl in time.

Wednesday, September 6th 2017.

I often think that if I were to die now, I would want to die in the dark, to give myself some mercy from seeing my injuries and allow my imagination to create a heaven for me to see in my last moments.

I no longer wish to die in the dark.

I want to die in the radiant light of your glow, Sayori Tanaka. I will need no imagination to see heaven if my last view is your smile.

I crave you.

Thursday, September 7th 2017.

I do not know what to do, the last line of yesterday’s entry disturbs me. It is the early hours of the morning and I am nursing a hangover presently as I write, I overindulged in Mother’s wine quite heavily. She will no doubt notice that much missing, and be rather upset.

But that is not my concern, in my inebriated chicken scratch I was able to make out “I crave you.” After my hardly legible fantasies. You are the only one who will see it, yet I still feel dirty. I need a shower.

I will not go to school.

Friday, September 8th 2017.

Due to Monika’s absence at school today, because of a knee and face injury acquired from ‘eating shit’ in track according to her message in the group chat, I hope she is okay. Sayori led the final meeting of the week, we did not share poems, instead simply talking and discussing future meetings. Ending with Sayori inviting all present members to spend the night at her home.

Natsuki declined, stating she had something to do at home. This leaves only me. Alone with Sayori in her home, all night, in only a few hours.

I feel faint.

Friday, September 8th 2017, once more.

It is four am but I cannot sleep, I have learned two new things tonight:

Sayori is often wearing a back brace under her clothes due to ‘degenerative disc disease’ I know nothing about this currently and didn’t want to come off as nosey, so I will research it at home.

She has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine that was hidden behind her large cow stuffed animal the last time I was in her room.

So far this is wonderful! I am currently sitting on a cot a few feet from her bed, watching her sleep. But earlier in the night we were listening to her music while attempting to draw each other, she is quite talented, I have her drawing of me folded in my bag, it will be going on my wall as soon as I get home!

Saturday, September 9th 2017.

After arriving home from Sayori’s this afternoon I was grounded. Mother, as I predicted, is quite livid over my theft of her alcohol. This will prevent me from attending the literature club for the rest of the month, keeping me away from my sunflower, I am angry. But I deserve this.

That aside I did some research:

‘degenerative disc disease’ or DDD is a chronic condition in which the discs between the vertebrae of one’s spine for lack of a better term; rot away. Usually in the lower back, this can cause pinched nerves and intense pain, it is not common in people our age and there is no known cure, only fixes for the pain and suffering.

This puts a pit in my stomach, how much pain is she in every day?

Sunday, September 10th 2017.

I miss Sayori.

Monday, September 11th 2017.

Looking back, yesterday was a pathetic display, I could have described my day in some way or at least write something other than that. Regardless, tomorrow, or in this case today, is another day. I saw her at lunch today, it was very nice as it always to see her, Monika was back in school today, she has looked better. The majority of her face is severely road burned and she is hobbling despite her knee brace.

Despite this she is just as on top of it as ever it seems.

The rest of my day was miserable.

Wednesday, September 13th 2017.

The last two days have been my lowest point so far, I miss the literature club, I miss Sayori. I hate Mother, I hate myself.

Wednesday, September 13th 2017, again.

After looking at the groupchat it would seem Natsuki is no longer attending club meetings, she also isn’t sitting with us at lunch anymore.

After speaking with her privately over text I have gathered that her Father doesn’t want her to associate with us anymore, she is keeping in contact over text.

Saturday, September 16th 2017.

I apologize for not keeping up with you, I have been too utterly miserable to bother. But not today. Mother wasn’t home today to watch me and Sayori announced her plans to go out with some friends.

I followed her, not like a stalker! I was in plain sight, she could have seen me at any time, luck would have it she did not. I observed from afar to make sure she was safe, she was! And happy! These friends treat her well, I trust them with her.

Sunday, September 24th 2017.

I am terrible, I am despicable, I am a horrible person and I deserve to die.

I ruined her, I have broken her image forever.

With her face in my mind lust took control, guiding my hand to sin.

My hand has sinned and it is unforgivable.

Evil, wicked, ugly, disgusting and disgraceful.

Even now the blood that runs down my fingers cannot wash them clean.

I can never see her again, I can never meet her eyes.

Tuesday, September 26th 2017.

I skipped school yesterday and now today, I couldn’t face her.

I have been thinking hard about last Sunday, coming to the conclusion that I am a teenager, hormonal by nature, with how much space she takes up in my mind this was inevitable and I was perhaps being a little dramatic.

Regardless I would still like not to repeat it.

I think it would be best for me to put you away until I can return to the literature club in November.

#reblog #crying from this #ddlc

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propawganda · 2 months ago

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(POV: Sayori, trans Sayori, circus au, clowns, found family, sayonika (and Natyuri in the background) )

Tw: for transphobia & deadnaming!

I looked at all the letters my best friend had sent me since she ran away last year. I had managed to keep them secret from my parents all this time. Truth be told my home life has only been getting worse since I came out, my Dad didn’t seem to care but Mom. She humored me, yes. She called me ‘Sayori’ like I wanted at least sometimes, she bought me new clothes after Dad said he would if she didn’t. All things considered she was civil about it. Until March third. When Dad.. passed away. She just lost it, she’s treated me like dirt ever since, she burned my clothes, deadnamed me exclusively, took almost everything from my room. That’s when I decided I was going to follow my best friend’s footsteps. I told her in a letter seven months ago that when the traveling lamplight circus returned to the next town over I would be joining her. The circus is where she went, at least according to the letters. And given how enthusiastically she’s entertained my decision, I believe her. She told me to show up the night before it leaves, and that’s tomorrow. One more day with my Mom. One more day in hell.

I woke up around noon as I tended to do most Saturdays, after eating a thrown together breakfast while my Mom was out in the garden and choosing to spend the rest of my ‘morning’ packing up my few belongings into my backpack besides the hoodie I was going to put on after I was gone so Mom couldn’t give an accurate description of what I was wearing, I shoved them under my bed and finally stepped out into the living room.

“You’re up late, Saito.”

She said, not taking her eyes off the tv while she acknowledged me. “Yeah.” I replied, sitting down next to her, I was still thinking over my escape in my head. It would probably take at least two hours to get to the next town over on foot, so I need to leave early, but not too early so she’ll think I’m asleep.. it’s not gonna be easy. I can barely walk home from school without being winded, but I’m determined.

“You’ve got that look on your face… thinking about Roary..?” Caught off guard I nod my head, truthfully I had tried to stop thinking about Dad a long time ago, it only made me spiral, but it was far better than ruining everything and telling the truth. She reached out and patted my shoulder, still refusing to look at me, she hardly ever looked at me anymore. “I’m sorry Saito. I miss him too, more than anything….” And here come the tears, all they did was fight, she had no right to cry over him.

When night came I waited for her to go to bed, making sure I could hear her snore before I pulled my bag and hoodie out from under my bed, sitting on the edge and thinking over everything. I checked over my room one more time to be sure I didn’t leave any traces. I took a deep breath, slung my hoodie over one shoulder and my backpack over the other and slowly, carefully opened my window…. And out I went! Out into the free world. It was dark but I knew the way. I'd taken extra care over the past few months to watch the sides of the road whenever Mom dragged me with her to the liquor store there. I was already starting to get tired by the forty five minute mark so I decided to stop and don my disguise, I sat behind a tree and slipped the dark green hoodie on, good thinking me, it’s getting cold anyway, when I pulled the hood on I felt my hair brush my fingers, so short.. I had it grown down past my chest before, before that witch lopped it all off. The memory only made my resolve stronger that I was doing the right thing.

That’s when a memory hit me that put a smile on my face, my bow. The one piece of feminine clothing I was able to hide, a small red hair bow, I dug it out of my bag and clipped it in my hair. Perfect. I put the hood back up, took a deep breath, and continued.

By the time I reached the town square my legs ached, they were far from prepared for this, maybe I should’ve gotten in shape in the last few months instead of moping. After taking a light breather on a bench, trying not to let the cold October breeze get to me, I set off for the edge of town, ready to see the lights.

Before long I could see it, the tip of the big top over the trees, I ran. Despite my fatigue, I ran! It was beautiful. Simply beautiful, oil lighting was the only thing used to light up the tent and area around it. It looked like heaven to me. Knowing I had no money, I decided to slip in around the back, it was so much prettier on the inside, the smell wasn’t amazing but the animals they kept were surely to blame for that. I walked the laid out path, looking for anyone who looked like a member of staff.. Ah! I flagged down an older snowy man in what looked like a one piece striped swimsuit that matched the tent. “Excuse me sir! Can you help me?”

“Yes of course sir!”

His voice boomed, yeah he was definitely a performer. I cringed at how he referred to me before I continued, “I’m here for Natsuki Kimura, do you know where I can find her?” I asked, he scratched his chin, “Uhhh, I know the name.. Oh! Yes she’ll be right over there!” He pointed to a small white and green striped tent off to the side of the big top. “Thank you!” I called back to him as I set off in that direction, “Any time!” He replied.

I stepped inside the entrance fold of the tent and saw a familiar mop of unkempt pink hair on the shoulders of a girl knelt down in front of a big wooden box, I quietly approached and when she stood up I cleared my throat. She jumped and turned around before gasping and dropping the can of whipped cream she’d taken out of the box,

“Sayori!? You really came!?”

She wrapped me in an unexpected hug, woah, that’s new! She always fought against and complained about my hugs before. I decided not to overthink it and just hugged her back. When she pulled away she looked at me seriously, “Are you sure you want to leave it all behind?” She asked, “Nat, there’s like, nothing good to go back to, I’m positive.” I replied, she squeezed my shoulder, “Alright, let’s take you to Kim and get you employed!” And suddenly she was leading me by the wrist. “Kim?” I asked as we left the tent, “The Ringleader, big soft dude.” She explained while we passed the big top and went to a small trailer parked behind it to the left, she knocked a few times on the door and a strange throaty voice replied. “Come in!” And in we went, “Kim, we’ve got another runaway, meet Sayori.” The older gentleman smiled under his mustache and leaned over his fold out desk to kiss the hand I held out for him to shake, “Why, Sayori! The very same little lady you have me send out those letters to?”

He looked to Natsuki and she nodded, “Well! Any friend of miss Kimura is a friend of mine! Welcome to the family!” He leaned back and I couldn’t help but beam at him, “Oh, her Mom lives nearby so it’s best to keep her out of the spotlight for a bit, she just left tonight.” Natsuki said quickly, Kim made a fist under his nose and nodded slowly, “Well you girls will need to train her anyway, and don’t worry, I’ll make sure she disappears clean, just like the rest of you.” “You girls?” I asked, “Oh yeah, I should take you to meet the others! C’mon!” Natsuki grabbed my wrist again and started out the door, “Thank you!” I called to Kim as we walked away.

“How many more are there?” I asked, “Two.” Natsuki replied, “They should be at the clown tent.” She continued, “Clown tent..?” I replied, “Yep! Runaways get to be clowns, that’s how it goes, you cool with that?” She asked as we approached a tent not much bigger than the one I found Natsuki in, but it was red like the big top. The thought of myself in clowngirl attire honestly made me really happy, “Yes!” I answered with a smile, it felt so good to smile for real. We burst into the tent and both of the girls inside nearly jumped out of their skin.

“Ladies! We got a new roomie!” Natsuki screeched, “This is my childhood best friend Sayori, she’s going to be joining us from now on!” She continued, I waved nervously, “Okay, Say this is Yuri Yoshida, My girlfriend-“ she pointed at the lanky girl with long purple hair and nudged me in the side with her elbow, the girl who Natsuki was apparently dating- WOAH -waved at me and smiled behind her hair, “-And that’s Monika, she’s been here the longest so she kinda runs things with us.” The red headed girl walked over to me, she was the only one of them actually in clown makeup, rosie red cheeks, nose and lips with some green triangle eye decorations that matched her eyes standing out from a pale white painted face. She held out a hand and I took it to shake,

“Sayori..?”

She paused, waiting for my family name, “I, uh..” thinking about keeping the name my Mom has made my blood boil, “I prefer.. just Sayori.” I finished, she smiled. “I prefer just Monika too.” She replied before she pulled her hand away and clapped twice, “ALRIGHT CHUCKLEHEADS WE’RE ON IN HALF AN HOUR GET READY!!” She shouted, it startled me enough that Natsuki had to catch me. “Here, you’re probably stressed after today, sit down.” She pulled up a barrel for me to sit on, I watched as she skipped over to Yuri and kissed the back of her head while she was applying her makeup while Monika changed into a poofy skirt in the corner that matched her crop top. I couldn’t help but smile, Natsuki seemed so happy here, it made me happy to see her in a better state then she was with… him. But it also gave me hope. Maybe I can be happy here too.

In only a few minutes they had all changed and looked like full fledged clowns. It was impressive, “Okay.. let’s do it! Last night in town let’s make it good!” Monika led the way out of the tent and Yuri followed, Natsuki stopped and pulled me to my feet, “Go get in the audience dummy! Catch a whiff of the shit you’ll be smelling full time!” And off she went. I giggled at her phrasing and made my way into the big top, taking an empty middle row seat.

THIS IS A TEASER FOR THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY NEW DDLC CIRCUS AU “Lamplight runaways” TO CONTINUE PLEASE FOLLOW THE LINK BELOW!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/64858951/chapters/166694836

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