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protagonist-confessions-blog · 7 years ago

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Entry #2- July 21

“Why must it be hard? Why must it be worth it? Why can’t the things we want be simple enough to achieve that we love them easily? It shouldn’t be so difficult. It shouldn’t be about trying so hard in order to make the end so much sweeter. I would love you without having to work so hard for the right. I don’t love you because it’s difficult to or because it’s simple to. I love you because there is no other way for me to exist.”

I wrote that when I was 18. I found it on my ancient tumblr. It may well have been about Virgo, but I think it more likely was about my own idealism. My own sense of creative freedom to feel things and know things, being bound as Cecil Palmer might say by the unfightable simplicity of truth that I can do anything I like. I’m trapped by my own freedom and so in that freedom, came naivety beyond my own control.

So I had semi-phone sex with Gemini the day before yesterday.

And then yesterday I didn’t speak to him. And today I didn’t speak to him. And in the past few days I have become oddly unsure of my real connection to Leo because he seems distant when we text. He isn’t responding like he once did. It isn’t immediate. It isn’t fast. I wonder if he’s losing interest. I wonder if it would be a bad thing.

I wonder if I care so much about him as a hetero safety blanket and if my insecurity about losing him is tied to my fears of intimacy and my profound desire not to be alone forever. I feel... Concerned about that. About a lot of things. I fell in love with Gemini though. Once upon a time, long ago. I feel almost certain that was love. Lately I worry that I don’t feel love. I feel a forced attachment that is my mind and my body telling me that this boy likes me and is nice and so I’m supposed to like him. I have to like him. I worry I’m a lesbian.

I had another dream about my first ever “boyfriend” type person who was straight again. I still have dreams. I mentioned that before. This time he had been in an accident coming to see me because of problems with his wife. We hadn’t seen one another since sophomore year of highschool. I held his hand and we waited for his wife to come but then an old friend of ours (who was actually him but healthy) said not to worry about her. She wouldn’t be there. I worry sometimes a part of me will always hold onto him as something I could have had but threw away. I think he represents a lifetime of missed chances and forfeited experiences.

Leo is supposed to come over tomorrow night but he already texted me maybe not. I don’t think he likes me. I don’t know if I like him. Either I’m super into him or I want so badly to be that I’ve convinced myself of a lie. Either way, I hope for the best. I can imagine a nice, quiet life with him one day. We could have two kids and live in the city and be contented with one another even if never exhilleratingly happy. He doesn’t give me chills. Not like Gemini. I still think about him. I wonder if Leo thinks about her. There is a her for him. She is one of the other reasons I’m not sure about this with him. Being that he has her, and I have Gemini and I don’t know that either Leo or I will ever want the other person like we wanted her and Gemini. I still want Gemini. Mentally.

Physically, I couldn’t get wet for him. But I got wet for Leo when we snogged. Does that seem right? That mentally I want Gemini but I was aroused by Leo? Leo who wasn’t the best kisser in the world even... Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Not falling, but stepping slowly and surely closer and closer to another person with deliberate intention? Am I supposed to feel like this?

I think that on one hand there is this ridiculous hollywood inspired notion that for love to be worth it, it’s supposed to be hard. You’re supposed to fight for it. I want Gemini so much it could break me sometimes. So much I could sob. But I can’t have him. He doesn’t want me. And it breaks my heart everytime. I don’t even know if I want Alex, but I think he might not want me, and that just makes me not want him more than ever. But things aren’t like Big and Carrie in real life. Things aren’t like Luke and Lorelai. In real life, things are easy. You meet, you love, you settle. You’re happy and simplistically content and the lack of butterflies serve little purpose more than to make things feel.... empty to a certain degree. But I want him. I want him so damn much. He’s perfect even when he’s awful. He’s what I need even when I hate him. Even when he makes me cry. I’m still in love with him and it terrifies me.

#diary as always #full of feelings #personal

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protagonist-confessions-blog · 7 years ago

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The boy(s)

So to begin at the beginning, I guess I should talk about where this all started. How I got so royally fucked up. It all started... Well hmm...

Lets see, there was 15 year old me, who thought she loved the gay best friend. Was desperate with him but it didn’t pan out for obvious reasons. Of course, before that there were a serious of forced crushes and a fear of the few rejections I would ultimately be too scared to face actually receiving. But back to where we were-- the gay boyfriend who was never a boyfriend and who in retrospect I may have never liked anyway. I was just so thirsty to be liked by someone. To fit somewhere. And he was nice. Easy to be with. Easy to talk to.

After him we had another best friend. This one I still have dreams about every now and again-- even after 7 years and the fact we never even had a proper kiss. I had never liked anyone as much as I liked him. He was the first guy to really make my heart beat faster. I lie and tell people I dumped him after only two weeks because I didn’t feel like we had chemistry. The truth is I was embarassed. I felt like I could do better... Or atleast like I should be trying to. I hate that part of me. I ghosted him via text messages two or three different times after he moved away and before he met his high school sweetheart who he ultimately married.

My dreams of him entail an unhappy marriage and him wanting to kiss me hidden behind a bookshelf in the library at our highschool reunion. I’m not even sure that fantasy is about me wanting him as much as it is about me wanting to be picked. By him. By someone. In favor over another someone.

After him, there was a break from the crush thing. A few brief notions of fancy to this guy or the next. A cute smile, a little flirting. They always ended up having relationships. In this time, I was also being emotionally placebo-ed by another best guy friend. The last 2 years of high school I spent having a totally platonic relationship with a guy who was like a brother-- except that on prom night he gave me that... That ‘I want to kiss you’ look. I was scared of that look for weeks after. What if it came back? What if he acted on it? I later lied to my competitive cousin about him admitting to feelings for me during freshman year of college. She wanted a reason for why I dropped out-- and I wanted to make my life a little less pathetically single.

Of course, the summer after graduating highschool, I met the guy... The guy who is what I consider the beginning. A campus full of cute coeds awaited me and I got sucked in to a codependent long distance online relationship with a guy who broke me into pieces. I missed classes, I didn’t shower for days-- I was miserable and away from home and the boyfriend at the time... Lets call him Virgo for all intents and purposes., well, he sort of broke my heart. More than once. But I was too busy being Taurus to care. Life fell apart around me and I just wanted to be happy with him. To keep him happy.

He dumped me via text. Twice. The first time I went back to contact him after a few weeks and one terrible late night skype session, and he begged me to take him back. The second time, I never spoke to him again. That was almost 3 years ago and my last relationship. I was turning 21. Now I’m 23. After Virgo broke me, I fell into the online world harder because well, my real life had imploded. No school, shit job, family problems. I had friends who were there for me, but in the shittiest way a friend can be there for you. To take advantage of me. I let her though. I let her use me and need me and convince me I needed her. I needed something to cling onto and she was there and I was so desperate. That went on for a year.

Then in came Gemini. Thats what we’ll call him. And he was.... Perfect. Sexy. Tall. And we had this instant kind of chemistry. He wanted me and I wanted him. He saved me from the evil witch of a friendship hell. He saved me entirely, and that jump started a year of pining after him. Gemini was perfect after all, in every way except the fact he lived across an ocean. I have long told myself I never loved him-- that I managed a year and a half of liking him and wanting him and sexting and talking... Of telling eachother how badly we wanted one another of him telling me things like how lucky the man who ended up with me would be. How I checked all his boxes. If not for the ocean, we’d be together...

I was in love with him. Maybe I still am. We don’t talk as much anymore and it’s my fault. I stopped trying... It just got to be too hard. I loved him so much and talking to him was so painful because it sort of hit me one morning that there was never going to be a day when he loved me back. Thats not something a person realizes after years. Life isn’t a romcom with a close ending. He didn’t love me. He never would. I was a safety net for insecurity and baggage and to soothe his ego anytime he felt vulnerable or unwanted. Cute enough to comfort his singleness but no where near hot enough to be with.

I realized that.... a few months ago. I got on OKCupid. I met a few guys-- I started dating one-- call him Leo. After 5 dates, and with a 6th this weekend, I can honestly say I think I’m happy. I think. I’m almost very very sure I am. The main issue is well... A lot of smaller issues. That probably deserve their own post. Hell, each person here will need their own chapter in this diary. For now though.... I’m going to keep it to just this overview. My true romantic history.

Oh, and since honesty is the name of the game amidst all of this, I have since I was about 12 or 13 wondered if I might be either a lesbian or at the very least bisexual. But the world is a harsh place in a small town and I can’t exactly explore it. But I feel like it bears mentioning. So there.

#history of my lovelife

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