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Anyone else have that thing where you get stressed out when someone else is in a bad mood because now it's your responsibility to make them feel better, but if you're in a bad mood and someone tries to cheer you up you get stressed out because now it's your responsibility to pretend that it's helping to make them feel better.

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of course

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Okay so you’re reading one of my many posts saying that if you feel sugar or any other food item is “like a drug”, you’re not eating enough, and you think to yourself and then write it my notes “but I’ve tried eating more and that doesn’t help.” Welcome to the most frequent reaction to these claims! Not only are you not the exception, you’re giving the textbook disordered response.

These are our next steps when we’re here with disordered eaters: first, we want some 24-hour recalls of what gets eaten on average days, so we can assess where they are roughly in terms of adequacy and consistency. I can tell you that when people are tending to binge or experience what they call “food addiction”, I rarely find the 24-hr recalls to show adequacy and consistency. There’s usually an overall deficiency in calories as well as too much time between meals and snacks (breakfast is a common culprit). Restrict-binge cycling is ofc very common as well.

Another issue is that people think rectifying an energy deficit is a short-term effort, and anyone who’s recovered from an ED can tell you how laughably and cry-ably wrong this is. In the most aggressive clinical refeeding, I have never seen the process take less than several months… and that’s closely monitored high-calorie intake day in and day out with no lapses. Most people who are doing this on their own are extremely inconsistent when trying to refeed. Consistent refeeding can actually feel quite brutal when you’re used to restrictive patterns. If you’re doing it casually, you may not be doing it at all.

You’re not uniquely broken when it comes to food—that’s a lie of diet culture and eating disorders. But coming out of your inadequate, inconsistent, or cyclical eating patterns takes work and commitment. It’s hard. If you’re still in the “food is a drug” mode after you made an effort to eat more, your restriction may be too serious for you to address alone, or without educated and sustained effort at the very least.

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jenny holzer, SURVIVAL (1983-85)

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i love spending time with people that knew me as a teenager, they make comments like “wow you’re so much nicer to be around! remember how angry you were? how miserable you were? how horrible you were? you were so hard to be around! wow, you were awful!” and wanting to SCREAM “didn’t that ring ANY alarm bells to you?” but instead I sit and go “haha. yeah”

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Stephanie Foo, from What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma.

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“Many survivors say, “I don’t remember anything,” without realizing that they are remembering when they suddenly startle, feel afraid, tighten up, pull back, feel shame or self-hatred, or start to tremble.”

— Janina Fisher, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma

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"BUT... YOU UNDERSTAND IT NOW, RIGHT?" "I will be the one to strike."

Keep reading

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"Children who feel they cannot engage their their parents emotionally often try to strengthen their connection by playing whatever roles they believe their parents want them to. Although this may win them some fleeting approval, it doesnt yield genuine emotional closeness. Emotionally disconnected parents dont suddenly develop a capacity for empathy just because a child a child doea something to please them.

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can't believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first."

"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson

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me: *dissociates frequently*

someone: what have you been up to?

me: dunno

me: wasn’t there

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“holding grudges isn’t good for you” yeah well neither is people hurting me and getting away w/ it so here we are

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Wether DID or OSDD please do not underestimate the utter confusion and distress these disorders cause. Memories out of line, missing chunks of your life you never even realised, "being" a child in front of loved ones who have no idea WTF is going on - or other people entirely. People. In. Your. Head. With. Names. People sometimes you don't even know. With memories you don't recognise or understand. Losing control of your actions. Writing letters and emails, participating in chats as a different person with a different name. Different sexualities or gender identities. In one body. The fear you have totally lost the plot. The fear your are making it all up. Wondering how bad did it really have to be for your brain to do break into so many fragments?

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I hate that I had my life ruined by trauma that adults turned a blind eye to, then as a teen by mental illness that no one helped me with, and now as an adult I feel stuck - constantly ruminating on what I've lost, what could have been different, what never was, and I still can't get help for it because at this point I'm so traumatised and mistrustful of the system that should have helped

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Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers