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open discussion: what the FUCK was the purpose of hal accidentally going to an age regression support group other than to make me squirm?

(something something vulnerability but… it’s so graphic…)

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i’ve got gravity’s rainbow coming in the mail and i’m pretty pumped. hope it’s as goddamn funny as infinite jest, that mega nerd (is that the right word?) humor

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is this what being 23 is? drinking wine in ur backyard, checking on your raspberry bramble, night posting abt infinite jest?

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me and hal. hal and me.

it’s the emotional suppression leading to complete mental break, really. so high performing that people notice something’s off but don’t feel the need to step in till it’s too late.

it’s the ending/beginning that really solidified it. the moment you’re forced to confront all you’ve been ignoring and it popping you like a champagne cork. while this book elicited many, many strong feelings, hal’s break at the interview and how it was left effectively unresolved sent me genuinely reeling for multiple days. my break came at 17, too, but for me it led to me getting the treatment i needed to be a significantly more well adjusted person. i felt like real physical pain not being able to see the same resolution for hal (mind you if we did it’d be out of linen with the books themes and i think it’s a better work of art for leaving it ambiguous, but still!!! my boy!!!)

i went the whole book hoping and praying for this guy to get some emotional resolution and got it (!!!) with the dmz trip at the end, but then you go back to the beginning and it’s totally left up to interpretation whether it left a lasting impact. after much thought and some discussion of other people’s reading of the ending, my head cannon is that he isn’t actually permafucked, but that the institution of organized sport actually heard his monologue and just interpreted it as incoherent screeching and waggling bc they only see him as a body. he was taught his entire ETA career that his inner self must be serene, completely untouched by the outside world, when in reality one must acknowledge and accept how outside forces and traumas effect your mind in order to adjust and move forward

in this ted talk i will discuss how hal was have deeply benefitted from dialectical behavioral therapy…

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so what i’m seeing from all the folks who have interacted with my posts is an untapped (/dried out and need for revival) queer infinite jest community, both for degeneracy and general discussion and relation

i’ve found my people

that said if it already exists POINT ME IN THAT DIRECTION

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straight men don’t even lie about reading infinite jest anymore. because of Woke

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i need to talk abt this book with someone on their first or second read. i joined a discord server and it feels like everyone there has read it 8 times and i feel kinda out of my depth. i really love this book, flaws and all, and just wanna process it w someone

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really truly the last thing i hoped for myself after finishing infinite jest was to end up shipping but here i am. i feel like such a degenerate but considering my time on this website in middle school i think its simply in my blood.

if you have reached the same infliction please reach out. i’ve read all 8 (😭) fics and need more.

i think dfw is rolling in his grave rn but honestly? sucks. just glad tumblr is here for me with likeminded queers i can be degenerate with.