punchtheclockonthenightstand

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Casting lightning magic alone in the parking lot

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A year or so ago I went to wood carving club with a bruised eye from my dog slamming his nose into my eyesocket and like every old lady there pulled me aside at some point to ask if my partner hit me here are some of the solutions they had in case he did.

-Replacing his vitimens with poision

- getting her brother to invite him out onto his boat and then killing him and dumping him in the ocean and saying he got drunk and fell off.

- get tboned with him in the passenger seat and then once he was in the hospital theres all kinds of easy ways to kill him like not washing my hands after a poop and then touching his wound casually.

-replacing his drink of choice with moonshine!?

- take him on a hike thats locally notorious for a rapid otter attacking hikers and once he had rabies I could just kill him any ol way and say self defense.

-One lady just cheerfully informed me she had a gun and only a few years left anyway

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25 years of ads peeled away

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For those that aren't in Australia right now, we have the funniest scandal going on.

Firstly let us introduce you to the eye of the storm: Sam Kerr. Sam is a women's soccer player who has in the last year become one of the most famous and beloved athletes in Australia. Captain of the women's national team, Sam became something of a cult figure after the last Women's Soccer World Cup became a complete unpredicted sensation in Australia, with the whole country getting behind the team.

Sam, up until now, has had probably one of the most squeaky clean images in sport. Generally in Australia it is not uncommon for our sports stars to be caught up in scandals involving drugs:

violence:

drinking their own urine:

or if you're cricket legend Shane Warne, probably all three at once.

Contrasting all this, Sam's image as the squeaky clean saviour for sport made it all the more shocking this last week, when it was announced that Kerr was to face trial after having been charged by the UK police of a "racially aggravated offence" involving a taxi driver.

This was shocking news. Nobody knew what to make of it. Sam was a model for young girls everywhere and a national treasure. "This is why we can't have nice things" screamed the nation. It seemed like all hope was lost.

That is, until, yesterday, when the UK police finally revealed the full details of the case, in which Sam Kerr, sporting legend, was arrested for vomiting in a cab, and then telling an intervening police officer that he was a “stupid white bastard”.

Now we probably don't need to point out that in Australia, vomiting in a taxi and then calling a cop a bastard is about as close to a national culture as we have.

You could not have come up with a better headline to make someone a national hero.

Needless to say, Sam in now being hailed down under as the greatest legend that ever lived, and a petition has already been started to have her picture added to the $5 note.

The tide has swung so far that not one, but TWO, state Premiers have spoken out in support of Kerr, and the Prime Minister has even gone on the record describing her as "a delight".

And so ends the racial abuse saga of our greatest sports hero of all time, and the very first reverse milkshake duck to ever exist.

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“Glycines” (“Wisteria”) dog collar by Philippe Wolfers, 1902, with plique à jour enamel, carved tourmalines and opals, rubies, garnets and Baroque pearls at Christie’s Geneva, May 18, 2016

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer 6.08 | Tabula Rasa

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Hey Americans! If you buy things from overseas, as of August 22 you probably don’t anymore.

Most foreign postal services have paused shipping of packages under $800 to the USA. You will hear that it’s “because of tariffs,” but that’s not exactly true.

It’s because the US:

Has not given anyone a way to pay those tariffs and

Has not been clear on what will ACTUALLY have to be paid. (The country’s tariff has been floated, but a US$80 flat fee has also been floated.

Many countries require people to pay tariffs when they receive a package. That’s fine. But you have to give people a way to pay the damn tariff. And there isn’t a way to do so. Apparently there isn’t even a PLAN for a way to do so.

So: if you have been buying from Etsy or eBay or a little shop overseas, if you subscribe to a foreign magazine, if you are an immigrant and you buy food from home via mail, now you will need to fly there and bring it home. Of course, the people who can afford that are also the ones responsible for this dumb policy.

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I think the reason why the gay*lor conspiracy theory makes so much sense to some of her fans is that she is genuinely so aggressively fits-the-mold heterosexual that one could easily believe it's all manufactured down to the most minute details. If you haven't met many generic gender-conforming white straight girls, you might be inclined to believe she's a little too generic to be real. Which she is not. You could throw a rock in any small majority white rural town anywhere in the world and hit a girl who, if given enough money, would turn into an exact clone of TS. You could raise an army.

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Ceaseless watcher turn your gaze upon this fuckin thing

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