this is to vent, more so used as journal because i type faster than i write. i don't care about any of you. infact, i hope none of you actually read this. now, leave me alone and don't bother me.
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fast forward to now. things are totally different. i just want to help but it seems like i irritate him with my breathing alone. i understand the stress that he has piling on to his plate right now but i’m here. i haven’t gone anywhere and i didn’t plan on leaving. i want to help, comfort, save. but i’m unable to get that far.
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the spark is slowly diminishing. all i want is to talk to you but i can’t. what happened to my best friend and why is it hard to talk to you?
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i am literally trying so hard. part of me wants to pull you in and bury you in my love. the other part wants to rip you apart and make you feel the way that i did. its hard to battle these feelings because i don’t want to have ill feelings towards the person that i love. i don’t want to be continuously mad at you. as soon as i see my walls start to trickle down, i build them back up but 100x more harder to break down. its like i’m scared to love you anymore. i’m scared to believe anything that you have to say. its hard to accept your touch. its hard for me to do anything these days. i’m so lost in my own thoughts that i can’t help but keep making things worse. unintentionally, of course. i don’t know. i’m scared of the resentment i’ve attached to you.
i’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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i’m so fucking angry. it comes out of no where. i’ll be fine for 10 minutes and just like wave of mass destruction, it hits me full force. it takes my breath away, makes my blood boil, makes my bones feel like they are shattering, makes my mind feel unstable and confused. i hate this. i hate all of it. i hate the constant anger, constant crying, constant wondering, constant everything. i want a break. i need a break. a break from myself.
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We're just a box of souvenirs And maybe, I pulled the panic cord Maybe you were happy, I was bored Maybe I wanted you to change Maybe I'm the one to blame
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feels
Yet another night, of laying here choking on tears as my mind wonders on things that I’m suppose to be “getting over” or “letting go” of. I’m trying my hardest to pull myself up out of this state of mind, but it’s hard and I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I’ll be stuck with these feelings forever. I have nothing to look forward to but the worst that has yet to come, and is on its way.
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you got what you wanted. you literally ripped my family apart. and for what reason? it had been so long since we heard from you. why now? why all of a sudden? why did you keep it hidden for so long? there is a 9 year difference between us and the last thing i ever wanted to deal with was someone still in high school. but you’re twisted. you’re a monster in your own way. the only scary thing about it is that you’re 17. i’ve never known anyone like you. someone who could think and spew such hatred towards someone that you’ve never met. how can you be so cavalier as you ruin my life? but you’ve won. you’ve gotten under my skin. you’ve changed the way i look at the man i love. you’ve gotten everything you wanted and yet you’re not done. you’ll come back like you always do.. but why? that is my only question.
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i have no self control anymore. my anger is literally taking over and its hard for me to grasp anything. i have a problem. maybe its a depression problem, or an anger problem. maybe its both. i want nothing more than to go back to how it was before. but i can’t. something is holding me back and i don’t know how to make it stop. i don’t know how to fix it. i don’t know anything anymore. i’ve turned into a destructional asshole. i don’t know why. it blacks out everything while its happening and then by the time its done, i’ve taken it too far. so you tell me... how do you fix something when you have no control over anything?
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it’s like i’m supposed to just drop it. as if it didn’t dramatically put a huge wet sack on my life. as if it didn’t bring me down or everything that i’ve been working for. but i’m expected to move on quickly. the sad truth tho, i can’t move on. it’s been killing me for days, months, and now a year. ive been effected by this in such a negative way that my attitude and outlook on life is completely negative too. this isn’t me. this was never me. i never wanted to be here in my life. i wanted so much more and now i have to push myself to do things for myself instead of constantly wondering. too many unanswered questions leave me mush brains. it’s like i’ve got nothing left to give.
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its like i look at you and you’re different. or maybe i’m just different. maybe i’m seeing things differently. i don’t know. But i do know that i look at you different. i’m more scared of you. not physically like you’re scary. but scared that you’ll hurt me again. scared to look stupid all over. scared to start over. scared of literally everything. i don’t know. i look at your eyes and i don’t see the person i thought that i used to know. i just want that back. i want to be able to look into your eyes and feel safe again. feel as if i’ll never have to worry again.
but i guess that’s asking for too much.
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dead. dead inside. there is literally nothing inside me. i can’t feel anything. i don’t even think clearly anymore.
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Twice I turn my back on you I fell flat on my face but didn't loose Tell me where would I go Tell me what led you on I'd love to knowWas it the blue night Gone fragile Was it both men In wonder steady gone under Was it the light ways So frightening Was it two wills One mirror holding us dearer nowThought I had an answer once But your random ways swept me along Colossal signs so I got lost With so… Was it the blue night Gone fragile Was it both men In wonder steady gone under Was it the light ways So frightening Was it two wills One mirror holding us dearer now
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i just want everything to go back to how they were before i found out everything. i was happier, i was trusting more, i was becoming what i needed to be. then, just like that, it was ripped from me and sent me spiraling back to square one.
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i can’t get my mind right. i can’t think straight. i can’t even go about my day without thinking about everything. not a second goes by where i don’t think about it. i’ve changed my driving routes, blocked everything possible and yet i can’t seem to block it from my mind. its disgusting. it literally makes me nauseous. i don’t know what to do and i think i’m going to crash and burn.
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i’m having a hard time loving you. part of me wants to smother you in the love i have for you and the other half resents you and looks at you completely different. i thought that i meant more than that. i know you say that its not true but lets be serious here. you’re just scared to tell me because you know how i’ll react. i get that, but i also need honesty. i will never stop thinking about this. i will always think about it. i can’t help it. none of it made sense and still doesn’t. i want to give you so much of me but every time i have, you’ve broken me into a million little pieces. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m just tired of everything these days. i want to go back to before all this happened. i want to go back no not knowing anything. i want to go back to being naive. or maybe i don’t.
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