purelylilyisonline

[purelylilyisonline]

Have I Made You Proud?

I look in the mirror and I get a glance of your face. The reflection of a half smile sported with a slight squint in the eyes. Eyes. Always slightly watery.

When did you lose it? Was it when your father never listened? Was it when no one stopped you from the darkness creeping in? Not even yourself? Did it drown and get flushed away by the gallons of vodka you shoved down your throat all those years? 

I would have loved to get to know you. Really. I wanted to get to know you. 

You know that no one knows you right? That tough angry exterior isn’t you. That loud laugh supported by your interruptive voice isn’t either. 

I could hate you, but hate only stems from what is known. Pitiful right? Never will I have the chance to say I hate you. 

A lost soul of once was? Oh I mean- Can I ask you, have you always been lost? 

Tell me. Were you once ambitious as a boy? I hope you were before what they did to you. Tell me please. Somewhere a foggy memory of a loving embrace from at least one person? Did anyone take the time to calm that sad, lonely boy? Possibly after did they say those four words I know you needed the most? I’m proud of you.

You think I don’t know, but I’m smarter than you let me be. If only you got to know me. If only you wouldn’t have repeated the same pattern. You would have seen that I listen.

You would see that I too have seen darkness. You would see that I’ve seen that same darkness, after all I come from you right? 

The only difference is I'm stronger than you. 

You should be proud.

[purelylilyisonline]

Blog Post: Pilot

While thinking of what topic I could blab about for my first ever blog, lets get deep. A phenomenon I have just created, while pondering what to write. The Idea trash shoot. 

I find myself thinking of these creative Ideas, funny situations that my mind might have made up as a once simple thought. This thought then snowballs into so many other ideas that then mix together in the end. Jumbling together to confuse myself. The same way when you say the word water one too many times and you can’t stop thinking, who made this word? Now, can someone please give me the country of origin of ‘water’? What does water even mean? What. Is. Water. Does anyone else that I know THINK about water- 

Anyway, I sit and ponder whatever this “thing” might be. In my case it's usually a research topic that I may think would be a great new creative outlook to ponder. Maybe a skit I think would be funny, since I’ve wanted to try other genres of writing. I sit and think, AND think. As my mind gets so involved in thought, a million different avenues appear. Before I can get my laptop or a pen and paper, the origin of the idea at hand is lost in a sea of unimportance. Unfamiliar and honestly quite annoying, it's been put in my idea trash shoot. 

To make some sense of my situation at the moment. I was at a university college about a year ago, to be an English major. Events transpired but, going into my sophomore year of college I made the decision two weeks before I was supposed to fly back for the semester to drop out. Now, it wasn't for reasons most leave college. That is a far different story, with far too many different things I could pick and prot at. Though yes, I did make the decision to drop out. This wasn’t because I didn't want to go to school. Again a far different story with a point that is not what I am trying to get at. Leaving college was in what I feel, the path I needed to go down for the time being. Only problem being, I am a person with a mind that is always creating. A mind that is yurning for creative exposure. Because I am still so young school was really the only thing that I’ve had to put my mind to use for. I see myself missing my once infuriating, particular teachers that pushed me out of my comfort zones. Because this is secretly what my mind craves. 

Learning that all of my creative energy for so long was used up on school, friends, or just the stress of a student. That was my outlet. I’ve felt a sort of loneliness. A lesser sense of belonging since this is the first time in my life I have not had a big obligation like school. 

Now I think that brings me back to the topic at hand. The Idea trash shoot. Being so creatively backed up, you forget how to create. I could whip up a ten page research essay with seven scholarly sources in 3 hours while hungover, and still get a 92%. But now I find myself not even knowing where to begin once I place the pen between the palm of my hand. I find myself getting stressed out not by the idea itself but yet, the formatting that would go into it. whether the idea has enough weight for it to even create interest. Unnecessary details that dilute my courage and my idea getting lost in the process. 

But here I am. Before I started writing this about 15 minutes ago I was going through the same cycle I go through almost every time. I sit frustrated as my mind fills with inspiration yet, corrupted with endless thoughts. Reaching my breaking point I realized nothings going to work if I just don't try. I'm not going to like anything I write about if I don't believe in the weight of my creativity. So here I am giving the creative weight by writing about how I can’t write.

Some may think this is a silly first thing to write about when trying to put yourself out there. To that I raise the question with the Idea trash shoot. I'd like to believe that I can execute any idea that I want. That I am able to upcycle an idea with the freedom of my confidence. Then the alternative of giving up on my passion, and throwing all of my inspiration down the lonely shoot of trashed imagination.