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Day 5:

Jesus you restore his heart and mine. You fill up the emptiness and the brokenness deep within and you give us clarity, integration of the soul, heart and mind. You fill us with your power and love and you guard us with a sound and clear mind. You come into this situation and you give the both of us heart restoration. Integrate us, throw out the condemnation, and fill us with your love. I trust in your ability to make the impossible possible.

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Day 4: Jesus' love will be perfected in him. Amen!

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Mark 6:47-52

47 Now when evening had come, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and Jesus was alone on the land. 48 Seeing the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night (3:00-6:00 a.m.) He came to them, walking on the sea. And [acted as if] He intended to pass by them. 49 But when they saw Him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost, and cried out [in horror]; 50 for they all saw Him and were shaken and terrified. But He immediately spoke with them and said, “Take courage! It is I (I Am)! Stop being afraid.” 51 Then He got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased [as if exhausted by its own activity]; and they were completely overwhelmed, 52 because they had not understood [the miracle of] the loaves [how it revealed the power and deity of Jesus]; but [in fact] their heart was hardened [being oblivious and indifferent to His amazing works].

John 6:16-21

16 When evening came, His disciples went down to the sea, 17 and they got into a boat and started to cross the sea to Capernaum. It was already dark, and Jesus had still not come [back] to them. 18 The sea was getting rough and rising high because a strong wind was blowing. 19 Then, when they had rowed [c]three or four miles [and were near the [d]center of the sea], they saw Jesus walking on the sea and approaching the boat; and they were [terribly] frightened. 20 But Jesus said to them, “It is I (I Am); do not be afraid.” 21 Then they were willing to take Him on board the boat, and immediately the boat reached the [shore of the] land to which they were going.

Day 3:

During worship practice for retreat, I closed my eyes while singing Oceans and I saw waves, water, an ocean. And this verse in John came to my mind. I searched for a few verses, but I could not find this specific verse about the boat immediately going to where they were going. I finally typed “Jesus” and “Boat” and looked through all the verses before finding it. As I was looking through the list, I also found Mark 6 and it is interesting that John talked about how the boat immediately reached the shore and Mark said that the hearts of the disciples were hardened. 

Made me think of myself. I did not want to get out of the pain. I did but I did not. I did not want to believe God to get me out of the pain because I was afraid that it would mean that I would feel indifferent towards me. That was particularly difficult because it might mean that we would never ever be together again. I guess that is also where he is. He does not want to get out of the pain because he does not want to be in a place where he does not get the affirmation, and adoration that he needs. But we both are in this place because we don’t receive His love for us. And when we do, we will be operating at such high levels, it will be absolutely incredible. The devil’s head will be crushed with a vengeance. 

Jesus, I pray that you soften his heart, you restore him from blindness. Open his eyes Lord, let him see your light. You make staying in this place that he is in absolutely and unbearably painful and difficult and uneasy, so that he will truly desire to get out of it. Humble his heart with hard labour, rescue him when he stumbles (Psalm 107:12 Therefore He humbled their heart with hard labor; They stumbled and there was no one to help). Break him out of these bonds of the devil and bring him out of this darkness. Surround him with your light which brings sight, which casts his eyes into the distance, to see the long term consequences of his choice (Psalm 107:14 He brought them out of darkness and the deep deathly darkness And broke their bonds apart). He will cry out for you to save him, he will lift up his hands in surrender and the moment that he invites you into his boat you will bring him immediately to where he needs to head towards. You set him free Lord, you set him free. 

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Day 2. Jesus I pray that you fill him up in all the broken and empty places with your love. You integrate him and make him whole. You change him entirely. Amen!

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I have been determined to ask God what to pray for him daily from today onwards. 

As I was worshipping in the shower, I asked God what to pray for him and he showed me a picture of a hollow space. It was echoey, damp and dark. And that is the place that he is in right now. The words “LONELINESS”, “HURT”, “PAIN”, EMPTINESS”, loomed past in bold and in 3D. There was an overwhelming heaviness in the place. It felt desolate and isolating. 

But there was a small light. I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was a candle perhaps or a torch. It definitely was a flame. But it was strange that a small flame would burn in a damp environment with so little oxygen. That small flame exuded some comfort and warmth but it was not enough. It was rather bewildering - this flame - it survived on a few meagre drops of oil and on a short end of a wick that did not go out. The flame, while small, did not grow bigger, nor get burned out. 

As I continued worshipping, I started singing glorious and beautiful and when I reached the lyrics of “Save right now”, I suddenly saw him being catapulted from the belly of this darkness into the light. There was a great force and the acceleration was supersonic. I could see that trajectory, the move of the curve from the darkness, suspended into the light and being secured on firm ground. 

And as I started singing the words “hallelujah”, I saw him walking confidently in the light, towards a mountain. 

And then it stopped. 

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You said love suffereth long, You said it keeps no records of wrong. But at which point does that make me become A fucking piece of shit in the dump. How much do I give, till there is nothing left Yet still desire to forgive? How much do I hurt unrelentingly, without thought for sanity? How can there still be love, when there remains nothing from above? How can you promise me a multitude and snatch it all away? How can you make me see a glimpse of happy ever after And then take my heart to play? How can you see my pain And yet pile it up with all the fucking blame? How can you choose not to see the constant and faithful and replace that with something lesser and so distasteful? How can you trample all over me, deceive with promises of a "we" Only to say She makes you feel loved. Fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck that. It's cray. Ten years. Ten fucking years. I've never made you feel loved. Then why did you fucking stay? Why do you still fucking stay? I cannot believe that I am seeing How much the bloody devil deceives. What a massive piece of a monster he's made you become. What a fucking liar That you've chosen to justify your wrong. I cannot reconcile, That all my tireless prayers and tears, hopes and fears, that resulted in almost walking down the aisle, that resulted in the manifestation for awhile - Of seeing you in all your grace gifts only to have them disintegrate into a pile of prideful shit. Oh how I witness man's depravity And how it warps a person's clarity! That even the mighty can fall disgracefully Jesus, what the hell are you doing? Where is this going? How is this helping? Why are you taking your answers to my prayers and dashing them before my very eyes? Why are you breaking every forsaken inch of my being and casting them to the utter ends of the earth? Why are you leading me into this utter isolation and horrifying torment? How is this building? How is this building?????? But all your promises, I cannot forsake Even in this fire Even in my mistakes Even while I remain desolate My fears you take and diminish. My mind is narrow and selfish, But in your arms you hold. And your love for me swarms, overwhelms, and shuns all pain, all fears, all disdain. You only have good for me.

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It's the devil. I have a sure promise and a confident trust in God. It will be good.

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I am not at rest worrying. I am not at peace. This is restlessness. But I really don't know how.

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Is it hypocritical to say that I have forgiven you but I still am hurting when I think of what you've done? And I'm questioning how you could have done it? And why I still love you even through pain after pain? Does it mean that I haven't actually forgiven? I'm so confused

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And I continue to wait for another 2 weeks. Sigh. I was looking forward to this weekend. Oh wells. I've two more weeks for more revelations

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Jesus I really really need you now. I can't do this without you. Only you have the power to save, not me.

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In this darkness, I still stand as a shining beacon of light

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What I need to work on: wait. And rest in the waiting. 😫

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Today wasn’t a great day. I felt like tu me manques beaucoup beaucoup beaucoup. And it felt like I couldn’t really focus today.

Went for yoga and still cldnt really concentrate like I usually can. My mind drifted to Angie and her boyfriend mid-side plank and my concentration drifted to the thought of why can’t I have someone who really loves me wholeheartedly - who does the things I want to do instead of me having to pander to him all the time. And strangely, God clearly spoke then. He said “He will be the most loving person on earth after this. It will be the envy of many. This will be your reward.”

And it felt so so comforting. Thank you Jesus. Truly your grace is sufficient.

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Jesus has power and authority. But he does not manipulate. In john, he did convinced the Pharisees tirelessly of his deity. He told them that he was the saviour, he performed many signs and miracles as proof but they refused to acknowledge him because they were reprobates who were not truly saved.

You. Are not like them. You obeyed to tell me the truth instead of hiding it. And God from Jan 1 prepared me for this. He led me to read john, he led me to start walking very closely to him. So much so that I was led to go for genrev and I had that dream which softened the impact greatly. Jesus’ hand is in ALL of these, in every minute detail. You. Are not a reprobate I know. So God’s convictions won’t fall onto deaf ears. I believe in His power to save!

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I really need to learn to put all fear aside and to wholly trust in what God has alrd promised. He has already promised, why am I still doubting?