r00b1c0n

[r00b1c0n]

It is once again time for “Ruby posts on a public forum information you probably couldn’t waterboard out of most people” (diary time).

I don’t know what I’m doing or how I feel. I don’t think I can feel anything anymore. I’m 2 weeks into my internship. And it’s fine. I like the work. It’s interesting. I’m not sure the other interns like me all that much but I can live with that. It’s somewhat the status quo for me. I’ve been getting a healthy dose of imposter syndrome. I feel like I don’t really deserve to be there. Hell, I’m only there because I happened to know a guy who knew a guy who ran an animation studio. I know I had to interview the same as everyone else but was there really any chance Martyn was gonna turn me down given his friendship with Ez? Everyone else there just seems so passionate about it in a way I don’t think I can be. Maybe I’m in the wrong industry.

But that’s just my stupid professional life. I’ve got all the time in the world for that to be a mess.

At home it’s just worse. I’m completely checked out at this point. Lying words of affection still slip out of my mouth as easily as ever. I don’t like that I have to lie, but I don’t struggle with it. But physically it’s getting harder and harder to maintain the act. When I have to kiss him or let him kiss me or he puts his hands all over me I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t revolt me. I just want out of here, but obviously there’s nowhere I could go. I’m committed to this for another year at least, if only for the sake of having somewhere to live down here while I finish uni.

But in terms of what I want? In terms of relationships? Love? I’m so lost. I know I can’t go on living as I am, it’s not good for me. But will I find any better elsewhere? I honestly don’t know. I love ez with all my heart, but I know it would never work out between us. In a way I’m grateful that I’m still stuck with Tom, because if I weren’t I know me and ez probably would have ended up sleeping together by now and that would have ruined our friendship. So what do I want? I fall in love with every man who’s nice to me. There’s plenty of friends I adore who I know would in all likelihood have me. But I still hold out hope in my heart for BT. Which is a wicked thing to say. He’s practically engaged to his girl at this point. Any chance I’d had with him has long since flown. But now I’m just left with this wish that either of us had said something sooner. He’s the first friend I really made on my own as an adult. And unlike everyone else, I can’t even in my own head justify my love for him as materialistic (I only wanted tom because he had an online community, do I only want ez because he’s financially stable etc). I don’t know, this is all very confused and I need to be up for work in the morning.

[r00b1c0n]

The good people of edtwt have found a new hunk to gawk over and for a hot minute I was convinced it was atrinoch. Just found that pretty funny

[r00b1c0n]

I think it is just my destiny to quietly mourn the good things that I ruin for myself. Once is bad luck, twice is coincidence, but three times is I think a sign that somethings wrong with me.

Ez messaged me today and told me he’s no longer comfortable with hosting me at his for the month I’m doing my internship. That basically means I can’t take it. I was prepared to commute the distance when I thought there was a chance I’d be getting paid for the work but I can’t afford to be doing that 3 days a week if I’m only working 2 shifts a week. That’d be £100 of petrol a week. I’m already losing out on money since term’s ending and there’s not really a way to square that circle.

So I guess I’m back in hospitality all summer. That’s not really an issue. It’s where I thought I’d be this summer anyway. I’ll be making more money this way, be able to start saving for a deposit rather than living week to week like I would have been with the internship.

I think there just must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I knew how he felt about me and I stayed and kept poking the bear anyway. And now it’s ended up like this. It went exactly the same way it did last time. But it’s worse than last time. When I knew Tom was in love with me and I kept skirting boundaries and it all blew up in my face all I lost was my friendship with Tom and the BasketWeavers. Losing Ez means once again losing the person I am closest to in the world, but also this time I’m losing the most important career opportunity I’ve ever had. And all because I am incapable of acting normally around guys.

I wish someone would just tell me what it is I’m doing wrong. Because they always say it’s not my fault and that I’m wrong when I apologise for leading them on because they always knew they couldn’t have me because I was in a relationship so I couldn’t possibly have been leading them on. But I must be doing something or this wouldn’t keep happening. I think it must actually be my fault. I’m not a better person than the stereotypical villain girls from the cartoons. Who keep the nerd guy around to do stuff for them but would never actually give them a chance. I think I’m just addicted to the feeling of having someone I’m that close to that I can tell anything. But not having that person be the person I’m in a relationship with because obviously his perspectives gonna be skewed. But I think that I just can’t have that sort of relationship with someone and I need to stop trying because it always just ends up with both parties getting hurt. I say all that but knowing me it’s probably going to happen again with Ginger or Tear or someone. I don’t even know if physical distance plays into it.

Either way my soul has shattered, but luckily I’m at work so everything’s being held in place by cling film rather than being in pieces on the floor.

[r00b1c0n]

Idk. There’s just something I realised right now. 3:37am. And it’s that I spent years taking photos of everything and everyone one around me, desperately hoping that people would return the favour. But nobody ever did. The whole of sixth form. But he gets the camera out and takes a photo of me and the group at every opportunity. And I don’t care if it’s just because he wants a photo of me. Because that’s very sweet if that’s the reason. But I don’t think that’s even the only reason. I’m sure he does it partially too because he knows about my scrapbook and knows I’ll want to be sent them. But also because he just wants to. Because he’s like me in that way. It’s so lovely to be understood like that. Yes this is about ez again.

[r00b1c0n]

diary i guess. good friday 2025.

i dunno what i'm doing tbh. i'm sitting alone in my room tonight after being at work all day. i came home and gorged myself as i often do. apparently the sight of the sheer amount of cellulite already on my thighs was not enough to disuade me from doing so. ah well, it is easter. the time for chocolate in abundance if there ever was one.

more to the point though i don't know what i'm doing with my life. it's been two weeks today since ez and i admitted we were falling in love with each other. i'm not sure one can even call it that. an admittance. i know i know things about him that i can't tell a soul - secrets entrusted to me because he does trust me that much. i suppose i've reciprocated that feeling now. it took me long enough to admit certain things to myself, i suppose it makes sense it was such a palava to get it out of me verbally, even in a context where i felt so safe and so certain i wouldn't be judged.

i face a difficult situation. i love ez. at least i think i do, according to the limited understanding i have of what it is to love another person. actually, i shouldn't say that. i am quite certain i love him, as much as i am certain i love ginger, or spooner or josh, or even marcus (there was a time not very long ago i'd have easily included xyphos in that list. i am not so sure now). i suppose the question is more whether i am in love with him.

i am not sure i entirely know what it is to be in love with someone. i was describing to ez how i feel i have maybe been in love four times. firstly guy. i know of the rush of excitement, the buzz i felt at getting that sort of attention for the first time in my life. i do not know if that was really love or just a starving woman tasting food for the first time and thinking it the nectar of the gods. then there was uzalu. but again, i do not know if that was actually love, or just the excitement of living out a self-insert fanfiction in real life. i think it certainly grew into love. but i do not know for sure what it was i felt initially. then there was tom. i would never have admitted this at the time, because i was not free, and then again because he was not mine to love. but i am quite certain i did anyway. it's that feeling of always wanting to be around someone. having them in your head as the first person you want to tell everything. maybe part of it was just proximity. maybe part of it was just alcohol. but i found myself falling in love with him, and he confessed to me after the fact that he felt the same. i resent myself for the fact i lost myself that friendship. i have already admitted to myself that if we had met and i were free, we definitely would have made a go of it. of course, that statement is inherrently hypothetical, as had i not gone through the process that resulted in my relationship with uzalu, i never would have had the confidence to introduce myself into a group like basketweavers, and we never would have met.

and then there's ez. i scold myself sometimes, because i worry that i have churned through theses lovely men who have done nothing to deserve it - as soon as one has fallen out of my favour, or i out his, i have moved on as quickly as i can onto the next model. because i need someone to fill that gap. looking at it innocently it's just a best friend. but i worry it's more than that. i don't like that i feel i depend on having a man close to me that i know to be in love with me that is not in a relationship with me. it's not fair on them. i get all the princess treatment and perks of being a girlfriend and they get nothing in return but my company. no comittment.

i do love him. i long for the time i get to spend cuddled up on his sofa, my head in the crest of his neck where it meets his shoulder, hearing his heart beat as we sit and play video games, or watch avatar with our fingers intertwined. i feel bad even writing that description, but that is how it is.

but i'm not stupid. a relationship between us could never work. he's double my age and i'm not converting to his faith. never mind the fact it would rip apart the social fabric of our friend group. and how my family would never approve. neither of us are ignorant to these facts, and his friendship is incredibly precious to me, so nothing will ever happen.

but i worry i am falling out of love with uzalu, if any ever existed in the first place. i've been consoling myself for years at this point that i wouldn't find better anywhere else - that anyone i got into a relationship would have something - some habit that got under my skin the way he can. but i'll speak to ez about it and he assures me it's not true. he really does think the world of me. and that makes my heart so full.

i got ez to watch waitress with me. he's definitely got more emotional intelligence than everyone else, because he understood exactly why i was showing it to him. he asked me afterwards if he was dr pommater. i suppose in a lot of ways he is. i can't hear "you matter to me" without thinking of him. i found it interesting, the two of us talking about how we perceived Earl. i can't help but wonder if what he said was his actual opinion, and i was living in a deeper ignorance of the workings of the male brain than i thought, or if he was just saying it because he was relating jenna and earl in his head to me and uzalu irl.

[r00b1c0n]

"b-but I'm so hungry I'm going to eat" don't you have a goal to achieve?

I thought you wanted this? Bae, I'm going to be so honest with you, if you don't get your shit together, you'll never be skinner than her. you'll never achieve your gw if you stay like this.

In order to become skinny, you need to act skinny. Skip the dessert. eat only if you're physically hungry, don't skip the workout when you feel like it.

Have a sip of water, go on a short walk, watch a movie and see if you still want that dessert.

Do it. You spent all this time begging for it, don't ruin it you've suffered too much, You have to.

In reality, everyone wants to be skinny, but that's a topic none wants to admit.

You hate the feeling of a full stomach? Then just don't eat. Easy fix

Losing weight is hard, being fat is hard. Choose your hard

Junk food you craved for an hour, or the body you craved for a lifetime?

How bad do you really want it

You will forget the taste but the clothes that barely fit into you will remind you.

It is better to resist than it is to regret

You say you're serious this time but your plate still looks the same.

Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog.

Is the 10 minutes of satisfaction really worth it? Think again.

Fat lasts longer than flavor

Gain control, lose weight, lose control, gain weight

Today's calories make tomorrow's body

Choose what you wanna feel next year fit or jealous?

Enjoy now, suffer later or suffer now, enjoy later your choice

[r00b1c0n]

We really have to start facing food as a drug. We need to recover from it. We dream with food, but it is bad for us. We should start treating ourselves as we are addicts in recover, because that is what we are. Some people even think about food 24/7. Food makes us high for a few minutes, but then we really feel like shit afterwards. What is the point? We feel like we can not live without a burger, or a pizza, or a good greasy food, but we absolutely can. Food is one of the worst drugs ever. Don’t let it take you to your downfall.

[r00b1c0n]

wouldn't wish an ED on my worst enemy cuz what if they get skinny before me

[r00b1c0n]

When you start being cold all the time but it means it’s working >>>>>>

[r00b1c0n]

I wanna smell like cake, not look like I eat it

[r00b1c0n]

i can fit into the 2xs primark undershirts now this is so slay

[r00b1c0n]

[r00b1c0n]

STOP COMFORTING YOURSELF WITH FOOD

STOP COMFORTING YOURSELF WITH FOOD

STOP COMFORTING YOURSELF WITH FOOD

[r00b1c0n]

The only curves I want on my body are my ribs and hip bones poking out if my skin 💕🎀

[r00b1c0n]

I just want a pure body & a pure soul. I want to be cleansed of the greed and gluttony that suffocates my bones. I want to be pure, I need to be pure. This is no longer a desire but a need, an obsession.

[r00b1c0n]

brain and stomach: can we get food

me: no we have food at home

food at home:

[r00b1c0n]

You’re really going to eat that?

(every time im about to eat, its all i hear)