racoons-in-a-trenchcoat

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

Nothing is funnier to me than ppl with rly wild jobs still just being people and having long tired mornings like everyone else. Just heard a doctor in the lab say “I have to go do some cloning” with the same level of enthusiasm I use to say I’m gonna do the dishes.

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

Just so people know, epilepsy warnings aren’t about, like, purity culture, or online leftists acting as if disabled people are real. It’s about my mom

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

*staring sternly into the mirror* you've had a wild week, you haven't eaten today, you've barely interacted with people today. do not trust the Vague Sense of Unease

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters.

Frederick Douglass, from West India Emancipation

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

“this meeting could’ve been a email” except its “this esoteric children’s punishment could’ve been a normal conversation with them”

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

it's always "you gnawed off your own leg to escape like an animal caught in a trap" and never "why didn't anyone try to help you out of the trap" or "why weren't you provided with any other resources to escape the trap with except for your own teeth"

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

Just so you know, a normal response to a child breaking something is to first check to see if they got hurt and then if they’re old enough make them help clean it up. And then afterwards explaining to them how to avoid doing that in the future. At no point is yelling necessary to make them understand why they shouldn’t do that.

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

I want it so bad

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[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

i was trying to make a meme but i fucked up the audio layering and

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

A witch has cast a curse on the royal family to "make them as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside." She is shocked to return later and discover that they've all become extraordinarily beautiful.

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

I am looking neither respectfully nor disrespectfully. I gaze without recognition of your form, and without understanding.

[racoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

"This blog last posted 8 years ago"

Haha okay so 2012

"no, 2017"

WHAT

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