ramblingsndaydreams-blog

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im turn 24 at the end of the month and im confused as fuck haha

oh also...hello again. im real consistent, if you didnt notice

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well hello there. it’s been quite some time. i’ll be back soon xx

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https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

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gemini // anne-marie

i don't feel like you know me anymore

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gemini // anne-marie

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hello there again. yet again there’s been a long time lapse since the last tim ei wrote here. i think the last time was sometime in december, and its currently the beginning of february (the 4th) to be exact. so i mean, not that much time but still...enough. ummm hmmm. where to start. okay well how about we start with the new year

HAPPY NEW YEAR. new years was quite the interesting night. so i went to a gay club with my best friend j and we had so much fun. that was honestly an amazing way to start off the new year, and that was my first time really going out for new years since i only turned 21 this year. so that part of the night was great. then it was kind of down hill from there. but the time it hit midnight i was absolutely wasted. after the ball dropped we decided to leave the club and from that point on i only remember bits and pieces because i blacked out. i ended up texting o.m who i have history with. me and j walked for what seemed like miles to the bar he was working with. when we got there we got to go down to the basement where he was working. i ended up drunkenly flirting with who im assuming was one of his friends but decided not to go home with him. i did however end up going home with o.m and we ended up sleeping together. like i said previously i was black out drunk so i pretty much don't remember 90% of what happened. even though i was drunk i know it was consensual because i didn't necessarily disagree with what was happening. so idk. i just remember that he didn't wear a condom so i was worried for like 2 weeks that i may have been pregnant and i didn't want to talk to him at all afterwards because honestly it was a little embarrassing and i was scared. my period was really late but i ended up not being pregnant. i ended up obssessing over what had happened for days and kind of in a state of shock and felt like i needed closure. eventually texted him saying something along the lines of “hey i know this is out of the blue. but on new years eve i blacked out so i really have no recollection of what happened”. i talked to j about it and we agreed that if he gave no reply within a week (very end of january) that it just wasn't worth it. he ended up not replying so i recently blocked him on everything just because he doesn't deserve to be in my life and honestly im over it. im over him always randomly showing out of the blue back in my life. i’ve always felt like since the very day he entered my life, he never left. and i decided to take control of that because im tired of it. so im think im in a much better place now. and i feel okay. and im happy with how i handled the situation. idk if happy is the proper word. but i feel more content. its nice to finally take control of things in my life for once. but enough about that; onto a new topic

school? school is honestly going much better than i thought it would be right about now. im somehow able to keep up in my classes and i haven't really fallen behind. and idk. i just really feel like this quarter i have been really giving my all and my printmaking class that im taking is absolutely amazing. i really feel like its making me grow as an artist and im having so much fun in it. (im actually supposed to be ding work for that right now. i’ll work on it after this.) but yeah this quarter is honestly going well and im happy with where im at.

one cool thing is i got offered a job at m’o! there’s thing that need to be worked out because they thought i graduated back in december. which i clearly did not haha. im honestly just putting a lot of positive energy into it, and hoping that things work out. im not stressing about it, and if it works out then great! i would be ecstatic. if it doesn't, then i will go from there. but still, im hoping for the best

the only i guess major life event going on right now is the roommate situation i have going on. so s ended up not coming back to school this quarter. she had a lot of mental health issues and family drama going on. so it was for the best. and honestly im glad she's getting this time away from school to be able to breather. she deserves it more than any one. so im stuck living only with m. which is fucking weird. we don't talk at all. mainly because she is no longer important to me and i don't want her in my life. she’s a toxic person and doesnt deserve my time. as you can see i have atheneum going on this new year of cutting out people who aren't worth it haha. but yeah. its kind of awkward. but i really couldn't care less. im barely home because im always so busy between work and school so it doesn't matter to me anyways. although theres is one little thing thats creepy to me. she’s still copying the things i do. which is like singe white female scary. she now has the same tea tree oil as me, same shampoo, razor, and tons of other things. she buys the same groceries as me. its weird...like i understand im an admirable and cool person but damn. lmao im totally just kidding. im not that narcissistic. but nonetheless, i still find it really odd. especially since we’rr not on speaking terms.

OKAY. i think thats absolutely everything that i wanted to touch on. wow what a novel. it felt good to write all this stuff down. and i think i’ve decided im not going to try and post stuff here every xx amount of days. i think im just gong to start posting when it feels right. just when i have some things i really want to get off my chest. yeah that sounds good. until next time

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rocket man (cover) // astronauts etc ft. toro y moi

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im back here again. i’ve decided that since im on break for the next month i’ll try to write here as often as i can. so im finally home which is awesome. i’ve never been more relieved to be home...i really missed it here. being around my parents again has been great’ i missed them too especially my mom.

ok hmmmm what else. idk i’ve been in a really weird p lace lately. im about to graduate college soon and so i’ve really been thinking about what i want in the future and what i want to do with my life. im a little worried now that maybe photo isn't something i would want to do for the rest of my life. or maybe it is. i really don't know. like i enjoy dong it so much, but sometimes its a struggle. and something you love doing shouldn't be a struggle right? but since i keep doing it and have fun when i do, shouldn't that mean that i like it? idk im just really confused on the path i should take once i graduate. i feel like i should maybe research some things to figure out what i really want to do. am i a little scared for the future? yeah. i’d be lying if i said no. but idk i just have always had this feeling that things will work out. and im honestly really excited for the future at the same time. so only time will tell...

for right now, im mostly satisfied with where im at in life. im only low key worrying out about my future. which i guess in normal for every 20-something year old. but im excited to see what the future holds in store for me.

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pink + white // frank ocean

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Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I should move.

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i finally have time to sit down and write a post on here. so much has happened since the last time i was on here its honestly hard to try a recap everything so i guess i’ll just make a list. 

big things that happened:

⁍ trump was elected president ⁍ i no longer have a friendship with m (she proved herself to be a toxic and selfish person) ⁍ i had to withdraw from a class for the 1st time ever ⁍ things progressed with j ⁍ i experienced a lapse in my recovery from my minor depression and regressed ⁍ i got my nipples pierced (!!!)

i think that hits the major points. i think late i will write a full post on here about my thoughts on the election and everything that went on with that. also i’ll write a fuller detailed post about what transpired between me, m, and s.

i mainly came on here to say thats its the end of my last fall quarter in school and honestly i couldn't be more fucking relieved. im so excited to fly home tomorrow, i want to scream. i miss home and my friends so much. im just ready to be back around something familiar again. i finished packing my bags like an hour ago and i’ve never been more excited. im so excited to see my parents too. i miss them so much. i’ve been pretty sad for the past couple of months and i think going home will really help that feeling go away. wow i can't wait to be back. okay that’s all for now i think. until next time.

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i havent written here in while. im not sure where i really want to start this. i guess i’ll start with the conversation i just had with m & s. it was a really hard one to have. it’s the first time we as a group have ever really had to sit down and talk out a problem between us. honestly it was really stress relieving. i feel like so much weight had been lifted off all of our shoulders. i feel me me and s voice our opinions in a calm way so that m could understand that all we wanted to do was help her because we love and care about her. me and s didn't want it to seem like we were attacking her, and i don't think it did at all. m really opened up to us for the first time ever, and shared things we us that had we not have had this discussion, we never would have known. so im so glad this conversation happened and i really think it benefited all of us. idk if its the wine talking but really do feel great at this moment and so so relieved.

other things: i am back in that place again. I've reverted back to place place in school when i just give up on trying o work. idk though, its a little bit different this time. this time i actually realized it happening at the beginning and i think i can really fix it before it gets bad. im going to work on it this weekend and see how it goes and hopefully i’ll be successful. i plan to wake up really early tomorrow and sort out of my life. its about time. i haven't gone to classes for that last two days and i think i just really needed the break and i should be able to get my shit together in enough time to really fix everything and make it better. okay i think thats really all i wanted to talk about for right now. idk i might post again later tonight, but for now this is it. until next time

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im in a really weird space when it comes to love at this point. i honestly am not really sure what i want. (recently i went through a period of discovering/understanding my sexuality and came to terms with the fact that i identify as bisexual. and honestly once i realized that, i felt a sense of calm and relief because i finally felt like i understood so many things about myself. but thats a story for another day.) anyways, like i said I'm just so confused on what i want. 

i’ve been waiting and trying to figure out what i want, but i feel like the closer i get to an answer the more unsure i get. for the longest time i thought i wanted to just find someone i could hook up with but i realized that i'm not a person that can do that. i can't just fuck someone and let it go because i’ll get too attached. and i hate how i feel like i have this need to always have someone that i can talk to when im bored. someone i can talk to meaning-- someone i am sexually interested in but never actually plan to do anything with. basically leading a person on at all times, which is SO fucked up for me to do. but i realized this stems from the fact that from the time i was about 14 this is exactly what i have done to various guys in my life. here’s a brief timeline:        ⁍ freshmen year of high school // becomes really close with guy who becomes my guy best friend for the next 5 years        ⁍ later that year // dates first boyfriend ever (who has been my only actual bf to this very day)       ⁍ over the next year // on & off relationship with said boy       ⁍ beginning/middle of sophomore year of high school // officially breaks up with boy forever (while still confiding in & talking to each other out of the blue to this very day; not very emotionally healthy behavior but w/e)       ⁍ sophomore year of high school // has “things” with various boys       ⁍ junior year of high school to freshmen year of college // develops relationship with guy best friend as “the other girl” (he cheated on his gf with me for those 3 years; i was young and naive)        ⁍ very beginning of sophomore year of college // officially ends thing with guy best friend because i finally realize that i deserve better (said boy still tries to contact me to this very day even though he’s married now *eye roll*)       ⁍ very beginning of sophomore year of college - present // talking to various people with no luck of anything ever panning out; while not really putting in the effort to allow anything to ever pan out

so basically since my sophomore year of college until now i’ve always felt kind of lost because i haven’t had that singular person that i knew would always be there for me (romantically) just waiting for me. idk. i keep telling myself that maybe its because in the universe and the way my future life is supposed to pan out, its just not time yet. but I'm so tired of waiting. i'm ready to love again. i'm ready to give my all to someone again. I'm ready to open up and let someone see the extremely vulnerable parts of me that i hide from everyone else (aside from my 3 best friends; but then, theres even things that i hide from them too). i think im really ready to open myself up to someone again. i know it will be a complete change from the last time i was in an official relationship though. i mean, shit, the last time i was in one i was 14 years old for fucks sake. im 21 years old now. im ready to experience love, true love, in this chapter of my life. and i know sometimes (ha, who am i kidding it’s all the time) it’s extremely hard for me to let people in. because of past experiences i have a really hard time trusting. but idk, i think I'm ready to face that battle and give someone my trust and really let them in.

idk, i feel like I'm just endlessly rambling at this point (very fitting blog name, i guess). i’ll stop here for tonight but i already know i will re-visit this topic many more times to come.

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the golden rules artwork by Kot Bonkers

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a nigga need kush cause a nigga bleed kush bust up in yo yard and steal yo fuckin weed bush pussy ass nigga you could never see us cause we double g’d down wit da louis sneakers //