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The drama will start now.. 5 days na laaaaang 🎓 #roadtosmx #roadtounemployed #sepanxfeels

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21 and over

I told myself that I will post something on my birthday. Here it is. 21 things I learned/realizations about myself as I reached 21. 

Stop wondering why I did not think of this back when I was younger so I can have a shorter list. I’ll tell you anyway. It is because I did not. I am not that dramatic and I am not that active writing or posting my feelings online. And besides, I think this is the right age where I finally know myself better. 

(No particular order)

1.       Whenever 1 of my friends found their love, I isolate myself because I believe they need time and privacy.

2.       If I can’t keep my own secret, do not expect your trusted person to keep it too.

3.       The more secret you keep, more chances of spilling it out

4.       At the end of a happy day, I always found myself wondering how lonely my life actually is.

5.       Rushing things always end up with regrets.

6.       I play guitar whenever I feel sad, or upset. Not a pro though

7.       I am scared to be alone for the rest of my life.

8.       I overthink a lot that sometimes I can feel my brain aching (lol)

9.       The more friends I have, the harder for me to decide on some things for myself.

10.   I am a toxic person and I think people around me are becoming one too.

11.   I am bad at saying sorry when it comes to serious matter.

12.   The more I overthink about things, I end up doing embarrassing stuff.

13.   Rainy days/rain makes me sad. The good-sad feeling that brings so many good memories.

14.   I think about my life choices every time I saw sunset.

15.   I already forgot the feeling of love by opposite sex. 

16.   I am loosing my interest in everything I used to love.

17.   It’s hard for me to say no, so I sometimes end up lying having other plan

18.   I explain myself a lot. But I promise that I’ll try to stop

19.   I can say that I am not sure about my sexuality. Because I have never been in a relationship

20.   Planning my future makes me pressured. So I’ll just go with the flow.

21.   I am LOVED and Important

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Sabi sa facebook, friends' day daw. Sooooo Here is my appreciation post for my best friends, friends, and classmates that made my life, my last year in TUP happier and memorable. For my best friends since high school, @mouinkle13 @cmsvaldez , I miss you. Wait lang. Matatapos na thesis namin at pwede na natin gawin yung dating ginagawa natin. To my college friends, mga bes, bessy, guys, nandito lang ako. Dyan lang kayo 😂 mahal ko kayo. 😂😂😂😂

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Scrolling through my gallery and found this. 💕 💕

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Dead

You are dead at the “starts”

When you start stalking his twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

When you start looking for him

When you start helping him.

You are dead at “firsts”.

Asking him first before anyone else

Mentioning his name first before his friends

Searching for him first before your friends

You are dead when “you act”

You act like you don’t care

You act like it’s casual

You act like he said something special when it is not

You are dead just “because you know”

Because you know you like him but you lie to yourself

You lie to yourself because you know the chance is low

Because you know he is out of your league

Because you know he doesn’t see you the way you see him. 

You are dead now.

Say goodbye to him now.

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JUNE

JUNE ~ JULY -First week of June enrollment usually happens. Our department head put my name to section B where I don’t personally know anyone except to Shiry, Darwin and Hennesy. Dan, Joy, Elyka, April, Queenie, and Bueno, are the only people I personally know since we all came from section A. I didn’t liked it at first but you will not always be with your friends, so I accept it. And besides I want to meet new people. I also consider the professor why I didn’t tried to change my section.  

Then school starts... First month of first semester, I already wanna die. Not because of the people, but because of tons of school works. I had a hard time trying to cope up with how they work with their plates and pushing myself just because I want to prove something because I am new to their section. Another reason is the pressure I get to our World Literature. He makes me feel like I never understand any of our lesson because I did not pass any quizzes or exam we had. 

AUGUST -  The most awesome month I had. (Read my previous blog about All Time Low)

SEPTEMBER - Probably this is the month I cried the most because everyday of this month has a deadline. OCTOBER - Semester is almost done but we have to do some extra work for extra points for our World Literature. We made a divider that contains every lesson we had. (you can see it in 3rd picture but not all of it). Kind of stressing because my classmates had some misunderstanding. But it was fun creating it. and it was my first time to saw the school at late night that guards are checking every building to see if students already left.

Same month, it is really over. no more extra work for extra grade. We had some unwinding moment at shiry’s house with Elmay, Hennesy, Dan, Darwin, Ian, Queenie, Kevin and Bueno. (2nd pic is we’re on our way) Me and Elmay’s original plan was to stay til 8pm then we’ll leave. But it was just a plan, and we decide to stay til morning. We learned a lot from Bueno to do’s and don’t when it comes to boys since we never had a boyfriend. It was an awesome late night talk with my classmates that I’ll never forget. 

NOVEMBER - Enrollment for 2nd semester, I’ve decide to go back to my section. Because all the memory from my 1st semester was just stress, school works, sleepless nights, and mental breakdown. And once again, I will face our department head. He put my name to section B, again. so I cried. because I can not take it any stress anymore. I want to be with my friends, I want to be happy while doing my plates and projects. Because I thought I never felt happy while doing projects and plates. So my friends convinced our dept. head to transfer my name to section A. I started  cry because I saw how they pleased,and they really want me to be back. My tears helped to convinced our dept.head to transfer me to section A. 

At first, I think everything is so smooth. “I can handle this” I once told myself. Then after 2 weeks, I saw how fun it was when I was in B, how united they are with their christmas party, how they helped each other with their thesis and not taking it seriously that they have a lot of time for bonding. I mean they are doing their part as a student but they never forget their social life. 

And lastly, also my ending paragraph

DECEMBER - Regret, regret, I cringed every time I remember I cried in front of our dept.head. Lot of things I didn’t saw while I was at B.  I start comparing A to B how fun it was that I don’t feel in A. I didn’t notice that I became more independent, I don’t have to push myself at B just for someones approval. In A, I felt I like need to push myself just to be with them. I don’t know, I know it’s just me who thought that way, because I sometimes felt I am an outcast. I swear. It’s just my brain.  AND THAT IS HOW I OVERTHINK

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2017 stuff

Another year has come to an end. and blah blah blah cliche cliche about moving to another year. 

I remember how much I hated my 2016. due to the troubles I made that is why I never post anything about how was my 2016 before going 2017. I guess that was my year because I never expect to do things that I have done in that year. Though, some of them are not worth sharing  but let me tell a bit of my 2016 before proceeding to 2017. And see how I grow to 2017

I almost got suspended for honest mistake, I failed at integral calculus, Did a community service, had a verbally fight with my friend (because school project.) I  also posted a suicide blog here because of that reasons. I changed its settings after the date where I am planning to kill myself. But after it got posted, 2 days later I am still alive, so I had to delete it. 

In my internship, I made a decision to not work with my classmates or friends. It is for me to feel how serious corporate world is. I never made friends with my co-workers because I am the only intern to the company. But it doesn’t mean that I am not talking to them. I just don’t consider them friends.

Now. Let’s move on to my 2017

January - I don’t really remember anything here. I guess I focused to internship after the holiday break.

February - It is my birth month and I turned 20. All the thoughts of being an adult was made in this month. I’m not sure if I got any better being adult now...

March - the end of my internship. Then  the company hired me as their summer employee. (is that how they call it? )

April - I went to Nasugbu, Batangas with my college friends, It was fun. We did Island hopping, snorkling, and we even played Uno cards. It was extra fun when we didn’t finish playing because someone pooped in the beach xD 

June - Before the school starts, and my job ends, my best friends introduced me to someone.  It was our first meeting. After that we talked about our lives and to be honest I thought he will be special to me but I realized that we are just too nice to each other. He is my friend now and we are both looking for our “the one”.

I really want to continue this but the 2nd part of June and the rest of the month  will be in another post. And  I’ll call it “June” It is where I didn’t expect that other things are happening despite of my mental breakdown of the remaining months that I didn’t see and regretting it now for not looking to other perspective.

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[singing] Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! [/singing]

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opening titles

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El has mike and friends. I have tv, internet, friends, and my phone 💔

.:All I need is to be struck

—

By your electric love:.

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Eleven: I killed people

Mike:

Eleven: I flipped over a van

Mike:

Eleven: I Messed up the compasses so you can’t get to the gate

Mike:

Eleven: I used my powers to push max off her skateboard

Mike:

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Finn Wolfhard fought the Demogorgon

Finn Wolfhard fought Pennywise

Finn Wolfhard drank from a bidet, and now he’s traumatized.

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October 16, 2017

October 16, 2017, 11 am. I tried to kill myself.  My sister was downstairs, watching tv. No idea what I was planning to do. I was alone at my parents room. Holding a cutter . Slowly cutting myself. The funny part is I am avoiding the veins that is visible, avoiding my pulse, slowly cutting myself. making sure that no blood will come out quick. And as I cut myself, creating just a red mark, I realized that they might believe me if I actually do it, so I start tracing my veins with my cutter. Still avoiding my pulse. Then, a tiny blood came out. I started to cry. Not because of the blood. but because of the people who are trying their best to cheer me up, helping me to see my self worth, and  making me feel important. But again, these reasons did not help a lot to stop. It even pushed me to do it because these people don’t deserve me. I wanted to cut more but I heard a footsteps...

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or sleep it out

I want to believe  (submission)

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August 22, 2017

I’ve been a fan of this band called ALL TIME LOW for about 4-5 yrs. And they’ve been to my country 4 times. Yet this is the first time I saw them live. This is probably the highlight of my year. I can honestly say that I went crazy. I didn’t even care about people who saw me jumping up and down, headbanging, screaming to the top of my lungs, getting injured (exagerating) or screaming a wrong lyrics. I enjoyed every single miliseconds of that moment that I hope it never ended.

Every song they played, I can feel their dedication for their fans. every lyrics they sing, we sing. And while I sing, my face and my heart can’t contain the happiness I felt that night. Although I didn’t saw their faces clearly because of blurred vision and I’m probably 30 meters away from stage BUT the important thing is that I heard them live and I can strongly say that this band is true to their fans.

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 I hope my COUNTRY is nice as our presidents ass sitting to his position

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Although it was recommended by my friend and since I finished watching How I Met Your Mother , I am now watching it and I start to understand those physics puns. 

(fyi, currently in season 4)