randomdepressedgal

[randomdepressedgal]

They’re shunning me. Those who I have trusted the most have thrown me away like I am nothing. I suppose I had this coming. I’m nothing but a burdensome weight on their shoulders.

In the end they are right. I am nothing. A worthless nothing who only brings pain and sorrow. Everyone is abandoning me and I cannot do anything about it because I know I deserve it. It is terrible, but it is the honest truth.

[randomdepressedgal]

nobody cares about me

and nobody should care about me

i’m awful. i don’t talk like i used to. i don’t laugh like i used to. i don’t have fun like i used to. i’m no longer the fun, bubbly friend i once was. no one even notices me anymore. 

why am i still alive? no one would notice if i went up and died. because nobody cares about me. 

[randomdepressedgal]

It might be because I haven’t taken my meds for a while now, but I am freaking out about life.

I’m not smart. People tell me I am all the time, but I’m really not. I failed a class recently and I’m in danger of failing even more this semester. I can’t pass a math test or turn in a complete essay to save my life. What’s even worse is that I don’t have the social skills to land myself a decent job and with how things are going I certainly won’t have a degree to back myself up.

I know life isn’t defined by academics, but the world is, thus I’m not fit to live in it… It makes me want to die so badly. It might be cowardly and selfish, but I just don’t want to deal with being a failure anymore.

I should take my meds..

[randomdepressedgal]

I cut myself again. I promised someone not to. Someone dear to me. But I recently hurt that person.

This is the only way to make up for it. To make up for how useless and terrible I’ve been. It’s the only way I can stop the emptiness.

[randomdepressedgal]

I’m such a fuckin retard

I can’t do shit right

I should just die already

[randomdepressedgal]

I have many reasons to bring my life to an end, but one of them will always be people.

The filth and the idiots and the pure evil I am forced to share this planet with… it makes me sick.

Ideally, every single one of them would abruptly perish in an instant. The world would be cleansed and everything would be better. But we all know life doesn’t work that way. So, what’s the point of living this life then?

[randomdepressedgal]

Reminder that there are indeed fates worse than death to which death would become a merciful embrace.

For context, despite being a huge horror fan myself, the concepts some horror writers come up with are a little too much for me to handle.

The pure thought of these concepts, let alone becoming victim to them, does make me wish I could die and never live through them. However, it also makes me grateful for being a healthy human being who still has a good chance to live and die a normal way.

[randomdepressedgal]

It’s quiet tonight. The wind is more violent than usual.

My head has begun to ache. My body pains and weeps. My mind wants me to do something, but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

It’s quiet. Too quiet. For once, I miss the sadness that consumes my mind at night.

[randomdepressedgal]

I can’t take it anymore. His screams are driving me insane.

I started cutting into my arm, something I never had the guts to do before. It stings so bad, yet nothing is changing.

I’m in hell. And the only thing I can do about it is end it all. Maybe I’ll slit my throat. Maybe I’ll jump out my window. Maybe I’ll try to overdose.

I just want the screaming to stop…

[randomdepressedgal]

I have a brother. He’s only a year younger than me. Sometimes, I find that hard to believe.

He acts like a complete child. He screams and makes earraping noises when things don’t go his way. He throws tantrums, he refuses to clean his room or his desk, he refuses to do anything around this damn house, he acts like he owns the damn place.

There have been occasions where he’s taken his anger out on me. He has hit me, yelled at me, and brought harm to me for opposing him. He tells me to shut up and mocks me whenever I say anything around him. He tells me to be quiet when he screams and shrieks on that stupid game of his late at night. He is an ignorant hypocrite and someone I dearly wish wasn’t my brother.

I know it’s bad to think these things, but god, if you could just see the way he acts and the way he treats us, how he treats me… You’d want to put him in his place, too. You would want to slap him so hard he falls to the ground. You would want to beat the living hell out of him for being part of what has killed the good in you. You would want to cut his throat open and watch the life drain from his eyes goddamnit!!

But I digress. I know full well bringing him any harm would be a one way ticket to ruining my life. Which is why I must continue to repress these feelings until I one day snap. I just hope if he dies somehow he’ll burn in hell…

[randomdepressedgal]

well, i did it.

i couldn’t find that forum page i was talking about, but that only but delayed me.

my skin burns and stings with tenderness and pathetic cuts.

but at least my mind is at ease for the time being.

[randomdepressedgal]

i guess i should start off strong with a post about my current mental state. in all honesty, i am feeling completely awful tonight. my brain feels heavy, my eyes are filled with tears that won’t come out, and i’m tempted to SH as soon as i get the chance.

why you may ask? well, simply put, all of my friends hate me and i’ve come to the realization that i’m a terrible and undeserving partner. not to mention i am doing horrible in school right now and i can’t bring myself to start looking for a job. i’m truly worthless, the lowest of the low, and thus i need punishment for existing.

i recently found out about a forum site that actively encourages users to kill themselves. i’m not up to asking for advice on suicide, however, i’m tempted to ask for motivation to SH. i’ve been so awful lately. hearing others berate me and confirm that i’ve been awful would not only give me enough motivation, but would also help me get it out of my system.

i don’t know. i’ll just see where the night takes me.

[randomdepressedgal]

hey, you found me. for the purpose of this blog, i will strictly be going by “Lain” or “Mado,” whichever you prefer.

general warning, i will be using this blog to talk about my mental health. i am depressed, neurodivergent, and incredibly suicidal. some days i may post about minor incidents that bothered me and some days i may post while undergoing an episode or crisis. if you are disturbed or discomforted by any of these things, i suggest leaving now.

with that said, please enjoy your stay. i’ll do my best to entertain you with my incessant ramblings while i’m still here.