randomthoughts-frommm

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This week I have discovered that my chronic pain flares up when I get a cold. Love that for me.

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Got an email from a client at work saying that I'd misunderstood the fact that they can't afford speech sessions at the same time as other sessions.

And now I feel like i've made a mistake even though it's easily fixed. And I can't unthink it. I can feel it's going to keep me awake. lol

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Happy 2nd Birthday to the time my unmedicated social anxiety made me open a second Tumblr account. Woohoo

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Uni is stressful, I keep doubting that I know enough, and on top of it all I've had back pain and nerve pain down my legs since I had covid a month ago and it's just too much.

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My clinic educatore for placement just sent me an email telling me of a missed deadline that she never set in the first place and it's so late and I'm so stressed.

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I'm 99% sure that tomorrow is a public holiday, and my parents have assured me that tomorrow is a public holiday and yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to work tomorrow.

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Update on random things I've felt anxious about:

1. I did actually have a deviated septum and poor sinuses so take that imposter syndrome!

2. I did find parking. I always find parking. I don't know why I freak out about it so much.

3. My brother and sister in law did not judge me at all for the Christmas present I got, and they liked their presents (I think. It's hard to tell with them).

Funny how most things I lose sleep over turn out fine.

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My issue this Christmas...

Okay so let's talk Harry Potter.

I LOVE Harry Potter. Both the books and the movies. They're very important to me and have been since I was a child. Naturally, I was upset and frustrated with the JK stuff that happened, but I made the decision to continue my love for Harry Potter. I can't just toss it aside, though I acknowledge the books and movies all have their issues.

In my mind, JK has never ever been part of that experience for me. If it wasn't for the internet I would hardly know or care that she existed, and if it hadn't made into my google news feed, I wouldn't have known about any of the things she said. I consume books, I don't care too much about their authors, within reason. I also think that it's possible to be critical of media and media creators while still enjoying it.

So I don't support JK, but I love HP, and I've been trying my best to be consciencious in my support. I'm not going to see nay new movies in cinemas, and I'm not going to buy any new books from said authors. I even tried to make sure I got my own copies of the books second hand, though ended up getting new copies last Christmas.

So this year, I know I"m getting a replica timeturner from Pandora. This is something that I showed my Mum like, 'how cute is this, I'd accept this for Christmas' without thinking about it too much (I know I"m priveleged, I have the ability to totally separate author from book. I know some people can't and respect peoples' choices to stop engaging with the books and movies entirely. You do you, and do what you need to feel happy and safe).

Anyway the problem is that we are having Chistmas with my sister in law and my brother. They are both super judgemental, and have both taken the firm stance that HP no longer exists to them. Each to their own.

But I am feeling so extremely anxious about opening my timeturner with them there and having them call me out on not cancelling the whole thing.

I don't want to have to defend my continued love of something. I don't want to see the disapproving look on their faces. I don't want them to make me feel bad about liking a thing.

Heeeeeellllppp

P.S. If you are blocking the series and the author out of your life completely, I totally support that and will happily avoid engaging in the topic with you. I believe that everyone should engage with media in a way that makes them feel safe and happy.

P.P.S If you are a terf or fully support she-who-shall-not-be-named, then kindly leave and do not engage with this. At al. This isn't for you.

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lol. Do I feel like I can't breathe properly because of asthma or because of the growing anxiety that's started popping up without reason?

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My dad just spoiled my Christmas present for me, my mum got angry at him and now somehow I feel incredibly anxious about it. My brain is weird

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Also the other day I got anxious about meeting my closest friend in the next suburb over because I didn't know where to park. And I couldn't sleep. And I cried a bit about it.

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Anyone else sometimes just feel like they can't take a full breath? Like my lungs and rib cage won't expand fully. I feel like there's something stopping me.

Not asthma. I know asthma, and it's not this.

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Am I overly sensitive if I get upset when people pull out of my birthday gathering for reasons other than being sick? I'm 25

Okay but this year was the first year that I've made friends since after highschool and I was excited about my uni friends coming. Now only 1 friend from uni is coming and I feel rotten. :(

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15/05/2021, 10:52pm

Okay but is it weird that I am feeling imposter syndrome about having booked an appointment to see an ENT?

Like, I have been complaining about not getting enough air through my nose for years.

And now I'm like

But what if there isn't anything wrong with me and I'm just dramatic? What if my nose isn't bad enough to go see someone about it?

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Thought from 9/5/21 - 12.23am

Years ago, I bought an old wedding dress from Savers because Mum told me I should, just in case, and I felt pretty in it. I still fit in it.

Today mum found it in the cupboard and asked me to try it on, but I couldn't bring myself to. Because if I haven't been with anyone by now, it feels like marriage is probably waaaaay too far out of the question.

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Thought from Saturday 2/5/21

It's not Midnight, but it just occurred to me that when my brother was my age (3 years ago) he was getting married. And here I am, almost 25 and I've never even kissed anyone.

Every date I've ever been on (a grand total of 4) has been just completely filled with anxiety.

I've only ever been kissed on the cheek by an almost stranger when I was drunk.

I'm a bit scared that I've gotten to a point in my life that it's weird I've never had certain experiences.

Also I know it's my fault FOR BEING SUCH A SHY AND ANXIOUS INTROVERT.

lol.

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Thought from Friday - 16/4/21, 11.52pm

Last week I felt so anxious about feeling anxious that I started crying.