randomventingandstuff

[randomventingandstuff]

Memo to myself, don't have your phone on you at work.

[randomventingandstuff]

I'm frustrated, I'm angry. I want to stab myself in the neck to show the world how angry I am. I want to paint my room red with my blood to show everyone that I'm not okay. I am not okay and right now I don't know if I ever will be. I'm starting to wonder if the darker side of life is so apealing cause the dark knows me best. The dark has seen me cry myself to sleep, the dark knows my pains, knows my sorrow and hate. I want to be the next Poe, I want to be the next lovecraft. I want to embrace the darkness in myself and let it guide me, since the light aparently can't. I've tried for so long be the light others need, but it's burnt out now. It's time for me to wallow in darkness, let others be the light, but I know it will never shine as bright as me. I was the greatest light that ever shone, I was the sun to peoples rainy days, I was the smile and the light people wanted and needed in life. Not anymore. I am me, and the shining light I once was is now dead. I will lay myself in the dark and be me, the lazy lump of flesh that doesn't have a place in this world. I want so much, but I can't do anything cause I am so lazy. It was never about fear, it was lazyness...

[randomventingandstuff]

I am a discusting piece of lazy ass shit. Why can't I force myself to do shit I need to do? Why can't I force myself to get up and fix things!? Why am I such a blob of flesh that can't do anything right!?!?

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Holy shit I am so ugly. Maybe my smile is okay but I nevet ever want to be photografed without knowing cause I look like a fucking hippo. No screw that Hippos are cute. I am not.

[randomventingandstuff]

I can't do this anymore. I am giving up. I am so scared, so confused, so helpless. I need help but I don't know for what. Gonna meet a doctor soon and if I get one more "you are just sensetive." In my face, I'm loosing it. I'm sorry.

[randomventingandstuff]

I wish I had more energy. I wish I could stay happy. I wish a joke wouldn't get me that hard. I wish I was better so I could help everyone. I wish I was usefull. Right now I'm just a useless being with to egoistical thoughts... I want to hurt myself for thinking these bad thoughts...

[randomventingandstuff]

What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I get better selfconfident when I can see all my misstakes? Why can't I work and be happy?

[randomventingandstuff]

Why do I even try? Everything I try to do just turns to shit and everyone hates me...

[randomventingandstuff]

Who am I?

My brain is running in circkles, my heart is aching, my back is aching, my fingers are trembling and it feels like I’m not getting enough air.

What is my passion? What is my dream? To take over the family buisness? That’s just my destiny, my anchor that everything will be alright. But will it?

I’m watching my friends grow and find themselves, and I am so unbelivebly proud over them. They are doing something so brave, so powerfull and… I think I envy them. It’s not easy for them, I know and I will supourt them all. But what about me? Whats so special about me? It’s so egotistical of me and I hate it! I HATE it so much.

I’m a cis, white femail with a steady job and income. My family is doing good, my Grandma is turn 90 next weekend. My parents are still married. Am I alowed to be sad?

Am I alowed to be this tired? Of everything? Or is it just my PMS talking? Am I even sad? It might just be my body making me sad.

Am I even alowed to get help? There are so many other people who needs it more, who struggles to get out of bed, to go out, to do chores and anything considering normal daily life things. I can get up in the mornings, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, take my medecin and go to work. I walk to work, I do my job, I go home, and sleep. Nothing special.

I am just another wheel in the machine. I’m just a body that works to please others. I’m just an NPC that no one thinks about.

My name is Sofie, and I will never be anything than an empty chell filled with only egoistical thoughts instead of doing my job.

And my spelling sucks. Sorry.

[randomventingandstuff]

Can someone just shot me. I have a bajillion things to do and my body and mind just went "nope. You will not to anything."

[randomventingandstuff]

I wanna throw up. I'm already exhausted and I'm not even ready to make orders to the store. And they need to be in before one. That 20 min from now. I can't do this.

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I was almost in a car accident. I could have killed my best friend. Fuck I shouldn't be able to drive. I just will get someone killed in the end.

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Aah why bother, I should get better before getting cold feet. I'm so pathetic, can't even tell someone I am interested in them in fear I will make a food out of myself...

[randomventingandstuff]

Why do I even put myself through this pain and nightmare?

[randomventingandstuff]

Fuckfuckfuck what the fuck have I done!? This is gonna end in tears I just know it... I'm to fast, I'm to hopefull, but I'm giddy and don't care but I still do and öwkfimaöq I hate having feelings!

[randomventingandstuff]

Okay, for once I feel okay. Or for once in a long while. Work is flowing okay and tomorrow is my birthday, and I have the day off. I still feel like I don't deserve the love I'm getting from my friends, sometimes even thinking that they only do it when I need it but I know they love me. I don't know, my brain is giving me sad thoughts but I'm still happy. My body feels lighter and it's like I can relax. One more week.

[randomventingandstuff]

Why am I so fucking discusting? Why am I such a failur in everything? Why am I such a looser? Why can't I see that I am worth something? It's because I'm not. I only live to please people. To make others happy. I'm not allowed to be me because that just hurts people... I should ether change everything about me or just disapear. Those are my only two options now...