rantz-for-st0ry

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i wanted so badly for this birthday to special. I wanted a cake and my dad to be there and a nice dinner and decorations and everything. I didn't wanna have a big party, I dont even care if my friends are there, I just wanted it to be nice. because this is a big birthday for me!! little kid me never thought I'd make it here!!

and of course dad says he's taking the ENTIRE WEEK AFTER MY BIRTHDAY off of work. but he can't take an extra two days or take his break just a little earlier to be off on my birthday. because we'd be "too broke".

nvm fucking mind, then, I don't want it to be special anymore. no I don't wanna celebrate on the weekend after my birthday. I want to completely ignore it. no no no I'm not upset at all!! not upset that youre disregarding the birthday I've been talking about wanting to be special for months, YEARS even. don't worry about it!! I don't care if this is a mile stone, just give me money as a gift and leave me alone. I don't need candles or a cake or a pretty dress to wear or a special birthday dinner. its okay that I've only ever had ONE birthday party my entire life while most other kids get celebrated every year. I can just sit alone in my room all day and rot. that's okay. I'm fine with that.

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so the winner takes it all, and the loser has to fall </3

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silly goofy fcking moment when my dad walks in on me having an actual break down over everything that has been building up. and I finally ask for help. and he says "are u hurting urself?" and I say "no but I did when I was little and I've thought about it more than I want to admit" and then he goes on to complain about his day, talk about the dog and work and almost hitting a deer. basically saying everything I though he'd been saying (that he wont take me seriously until I ACTUALLY hurt myself.)

so ig I can meet him in the middle and give him what he wants!!

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my dad watching me spiral getting me no help whatsoever!!

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me when I've been lying to my friends about being clean for like two months cus I think if they know that I've been doing it again theyll hate me!!

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when my friend tells me to die when I'm in a legitimately bad mental state and more suicidal than I've been in a very long time and suddenly I'm like maybe I should!!

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love how two or three years ago I found it almost entirely unplausable that I could have sexual trauma and now that I've been working with myself through some of my amnesia from my childhood its like. all just THERE.

molested, groomed, cocsa'ed, sexually assaulted

it never fucking STOPS dude. like I cant do this anymore??? i miss being unaware?? and I cant talk to anyone about it?? not to my dad, he doesn't care. not to my sister, she'd never believe me on that first one. not to my brother because he has too much going on. not to my friends cus they're tired of it.

and God no fucking WONDER I have a horrible view on people and have unstable relationships, I've clearly never had a fuckign good one.

it literally just never stops. and I'm so fucking tired of it all and I rly just want to be something more than my body cus it seems like that's all Ive been from the second I stood up on my own two feet and took my first step.

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hate ws but sometimes his music is legitimately the only thing that really describes how i feel adn has the capacity to provide me comfort

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night shift by Lucy dacus

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began my spiral into low maintenance friend hood like a year ago I fear

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not gonna lie looking at my Spotify is the BEST way to figure out about stuff in my life I should probably stop giving it out lmao

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the grudge by Olivia Rodrigo

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can not fuckign sleep dude I have to be up in like 3 hrs </333

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having this peace lily in my room is, in fact, NOT giving me any peace.!! infact i think its making me feel worse!!

because the ocnditions of my room arent survivable for it, it doesnt have enough sunlight. And no matter what i do or when i do it or how i do it, its not going to live. and having to watch it wilt away and die slowly, fighting for its fucking life, is honestly really fucking depressing!! espcailly considering it was a mourning gift for my dead grandfather, who we all just had to watch die slowly and had no fucking power over and there was nothing we could do. no matter how much water i give this lily or how i rotate it or adjust the leaves to try and give it more sunlight, its just going to die.

and it feels so stupid to be crying about a fuckign PLANT when my actual grandfather just died, but its like that fucking lily is a refelction of him. and its HAUNTING me. I cant stand to have it in my room. I want it out. I don't wanna watch it fucking die like I had to watch him die.

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"I just need to sleep, then I'll feel better" "its probably just my period soon, I'll feel better after" "I just need to shower" "I just need to clean my room" "I just need to hang out with friends" "I just need to tell someone" okay. so I do all those things- relatively consistently, even. and I still feel like shit. what now???

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Sometimes I fear that my intense selfishness, hatred, and lack of empathy and care for the world and the people and the feelings of people around me that I’ve developed recently will never go away!! And that I’m really fucked up forever!! and I’m just going to have to fake enjoying other people’s company and caring about other peoples feelings forever and that I’m a horrible person!!

And I haven’t talked about it to anyone because I’m scared they’re gonna think I hate them and it’s their fault but that’s not why. I don’t know why this is happening. I literally just DONT CARE anymore.

Like I still love my friends but I hate everything? I care for and value people kinda but just want to be alone all the time and dread hanging out with people. I’ve been saying I’m depressed to avoid people asking why I’m so down and so determined to self isolate but I’m so much more than just depressed.

I yell at my phone when I get a notification, even for serious shit. I just get this intense sinking feeling in my chest.

And it’s been like this for months and I know I’ve been such a dick to some people and I feel so bad but at the same time I like. Do not care?? It’s almost like I feel like I need to care so I kind of do care but I don’t really care. I don’t know how to phrase it or explain it.

Smth is fucking wrong with me and I need therapy or help or SOMETHING. I hate everyone, I don’t care about their feelings, and I feel guilty about it because I know I SHOULD care about it.

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lowkey need to go in-patient but ik we cant afford that so I will just stay silent and rot 🫶