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2022. A year of many highs and lows. I will carry the successes to get me through the nights. I will carry the failures to help me grow. I will carry each moment to remind myself to live each day as if it were my last. I will carry every person I connected with to the end, in my heart.

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I didn’t think I was the type to fangirl over a circuit but there I was in Monaco doing just that. 🥰

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12 Failed Attempts at Writing Haikus

{ 2nd August 2012 }

I wrote a haiku. What is a haiku, you ask? This is a haiku.

Capricieux rae. Whimsical, fanciful style. Capricieux, that's me.

My favourite words. Music, wonder, faith, hope, ink. These words feed my soul.

My violin exam. Bach, Schumann, and Schindler's List. Grade 8. My nightmare.

I'm inspired by HP, and LOTR. Inkheart and Narnia.

My silly daddy Bought me books, toys, sweets, gadgets. And a turquoise bag.

I have a theory. Haikus make you stick to the... Point. Don't you agree?

I don't think I'm good At writing haikus. But still, I WILL keep trying.

I would like to go To a world full of magic And wonder and joy.

There was a tree here. But it was cut down last year. It was very sad.

Yellow, the colour Of royalty and also Of cowardice too.

{ 15th August 2012 } Purple, the colour Of British royalty and Also jealousy?

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Same Page

— listen here —

— Verse 1 —

Almost half a thousand miles from home, Gave up everything just to be alone In a city so fine; learnt to drink some wine With people who care too little. Walking in the rain, fighting through the pain; My bones feel so brittle.

— Pre-Chorus —

Stitches of my heart keep unravelling, Tried to pull them back but it’s not happening. Didn’t want to care, but now I do.

— Chorus —

So please talk to me and confide in me, Tell me ‘bout your hopes and dreams. Let me hear you laugh, let me hear you cry; keep me by your side So you know there’s someone here for you, I don’t think you feel the same way I do ‘cause you’re never there; do you even care? And we’re never on the same page.

—Verse 2 —

Broken glass all over the sidewalk; Let you grab my hand, so you wouldn’t fall Walking in the rain, fighting through the pain. Our bones feel so brittle. In a city so fine, learnt to drink some wine With people who care too little.

—Pre-Chorus —

(same as above)

—Chorus —

(same as above)

—Bridge —

You said that everything was okay, But what meant more was what you didn’t say. Please don’t talk to me, please just leave me be. You crushed my hopes and dreams.

You have heard me laugh and now you’ve heard me cry, but never by my side and it hurts that I cared for you. Now I know you don’t feel the same way I do ‘cause you’re never there and did you ever care? And we’re not on the same page.

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request for perpetual exemption from birthday celebrations

I never ever want to celebrate my birthday again and you know what? let’s start with this year.

I don’t mean not acknowledging the passing of time and that I’ve aged another year. that bit’s fine. I mean that part where we have to throw a fucking party cause when was the last time that shit ever brought joy to me?

all it is, is year after year of “oh, what do you want to do?” with no real follow through. all it is, is boxes upon boxes of presents that have no practical use. each year, this day only brings me stress. each year, this day just brings to mind the mess of my life and how as each year passes the world keeps passing me by. I’m so sorry I don’t have the patience to deal with your ill-planned schemes. I’m so sorry I don’t want to be reminded how another 365 days have gone. I’m so sorry I haven’t achieved a single fucking one of my many dreams. I’m so sorry yet another thread of my frayed willpower has been worn.

am I just being spoilt? am I just being ungrateful? is not the fact that I have people who want to celebrate the day I came into this world enough? is not the fact that I have people who love me enough? after all, they all mean well. don’t they? no. who is this for? if it’s for me, why do I have to decide what to do? if it’s for me, why is this present not something I’ll ever use? if it’s for me, why do I feel like shit? I never ever want to celebrate my birthday again and you know what? I’m starting with today.

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三姑妈

is this what you felt like

when you had your youth stripped away

just to be left with decay

in your body, in your heart and in your soul

fated not to live, just to grow old

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农历新年

DAISIE Writing Challenge - prompts: “awkward” “bacon” “faith”; time limit: 10 minutes

it’s the most distasteful time of the year. lunar new year. 农历新年. tahun baru cina. the biggest celebration that all people of Chinese descent, no matter their nationality or faith, revere.

seeing distant relatives who somehow believe that an iota of shared blood entitles them to ask: “how much bacon are you making?” “when’s a young maiden like you going to start mating to carry on someone else’s family line?” it’s such an awkward time to sit there and smile while all the food you ate starts to come up as bile. I hate it, I hated it. it’s only when something is taken that you realise you’ve been taking it for granted. it’s not your family’s fault that the world is so much easier when you have an abundant pile of green. it’s not your family’s fault that life is happier when you have loved ones that make the endless uphill climb worthwhile, even if that effort is unseen. it’s the most meaningful time of the year. lunar new year.  农历新年. tahun baru cina. sitting around this dinner table now I realise how it was never about all the fireworks and drums but the time we spend together, and the feeling of coming home. And I love that, I love it.

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30th January 2021, Saturday

DAISIE Writing Challenge - prompts: “connected” “skinny dipping” “dessert”; time limit: 12 minutes

it’s like jumping in naked in a body of water,

it’s like feeling connected in a second of knowing another;

skinny dipping in a pond, uncertain of what lies beyond

this moment, this space, this time.

unpredictable, fantastical, that’s life -

ordering the dessert of the day without being sure what will come to your table,

just that it’ll be a surprise - maybe pleasant, maybe fatal.

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Homesick

— stream here —

I’m oh, so many miles from home and I feel overwhelmed, I’m so alone. I don’t know anyone here; in the corner of my eyes, I feel a tear.

And I ask myself:

What am I doing here so far away from all I hold dear? I’m chasing a dream that seems fated to never come near.

And I miss where I grew up, I miss the trees that helped me breathe when I couldn’t do it on my own.

And oh, I miss that feeling of knowing where I belonged and dared to do whatever with whoever I wanted to.

Days go by, I start to sink; I’m feeling numb, don’t know what to think. I stick myself in a corner, but then they come and bother me asking:

What are you doing there? There are people here who want to care about you. So don’t be alone, ‘cause what you feel we share.

We miss where we grew up, We miss the trees that helped us breathe when we couldn’t do it on our own.

But here we know that feeling of knowing where we belong and we dare to be whatever and whoever we want to.

So stop asking yourself:

What am I doing here so far away from all I hold dear? I’m here chasing a dream and it seems to be real, now I have no fear.

I still miss where I grew up, I miss the trees that helped me breathe though now, I can do it on my own.

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{ 2010 - 2019 wrapup }

I am proud. I've grown as a person. It's a cliche thing to say but it's true. I decided to make music my career. I've made some friends, I've lost some too. I found my way around a city that doesn't speak my language and whose language I don't speak. I've found reasons to live and have learnt to find joy in spending time alone - eating out, watching movies at the cinema, going to F1 and concerts. I've written songs and performed them, I found catharsis through my art. I've scored a short film, and produced a theme song for a podcast. I've performed at concert halls and on international TV.

2020 is going to be busy. In January alone, we're having LASALLE's first ever composer showcase, and later in the month I'll be taking part in an orchestration workshop hosted by the Singapore Symphony Orchestra. I'm gonna start working on another short film. I'm looking to do more travelling this year. Hopefully I graduate from college.

Sometimes I still realise that some things also don't change, that as much as I try to be better, at my core, I still hold on to too many things. But I guess the important thing is that I'm actively trying. All I can do is try.

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Abandoned car in Ipoh, Malaysia

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Breaking news: new species discovered in southwestern suburban Singapore.

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A reworked mix of my original song - “Past Conversations” - in collaboration with Dru Chen.

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The track I worked on with Adrian.

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Played the violin part for my classmate’s production project last semester.

I love listening to this style of jazz/blues music but I’ve never been able to write something like it myself. Although I found the syncopation Maleva wrote quite challenging, especially with the limited time of practice I got, it was pretty fun to get entrusted with playing this and it turned out alright in the end with the ensemble hits all in sync.