rawandnakd

[rawandnakd]

2020: We Don’t Have Control Over Life

This year started enthusiastic for me as I looked forward to coming home to the Philippines for the first time to visit. And as I mentioned in my earlier post this January, I was worried because my leave didn’t go through and it’s a now or never situation for me. 

Until COVID-19 happened.

It’s funny how we think we have control over life. We make long-term plans, only to end up dead the following month. I can’t help but think about those who were greatly affected by the pandemic. The doctors and other medical professionals who studied all their life just to practice their profession, only to become infected and die later on. And even the patients and their families who lost their battles. I don’t question the experts when they say the next wave of the virus is not just covid but also depression and suicide.

Flashback to January of this year, I wasn’t even bothered by the news I saw online that there is a virus spreading across South Korea. (I was supposed to take a trip there along my Philippine trip as well.) Little did I know that this virus will not only cost my dream trip, but also my dream job. Honestly, it affected my sanity too.

I went through a heartbreak with my airline ex-boyfriend earlier this year and currently on the verge of losing my job. This week, I just got the official news that I’m one of the flight attendants affected by the furloughs happening because of the pandemic.

Who am I to think that I earlier this year, I can take a trip to the Philippines and Korea even if it costs me my job? I should be careful next time of what I wish for. I didn’t know what I was talking about. And maybe this pandemic is adding more stress than usual but now I feel stuck and frozen. I don’t know the next steps to take. Do I go back to school? Do I look for a new job in the middle of this mess?

Who knows? After all, no matter how much planning we make, we don’t have control over life. At the end of the day, what matters most is you survive and get through the difficult days. There’s still 4 months left of this year but so far, I feel like most of 2020 is just a challenge of waking up another day, hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel wherever that is.

2020 is the year that again reminds us to live everyday as if it’s our last. I haven’t been on track on being grateful to all the blessing I receive everyday lately. But I’m happy and don’t regret anything I’ve done. Maybe I would’ve still gone to the Philippines if covid didn’t happen. Because who knows if that would’ve been my last? For now, it even seems so impossible to even be able to fly there. 

I should get better at embracing what’s in front of me because I can lose that any time in the blink of an eye. Relationships, money, job, dreams. Forget about the plans for the next 5 years. We can slowly figure that out if we take it one day at a time. And that’s what’s good about taking it one day at a time-- we face what’s actually in front of us. 

[rawandnakd]

Read Before You Date Again

Dear healed self,

This is your broken-hearted self typing her heart out at 3 in the morning. No, this is not some kind of a diss post. Rather, it’s another “lessons learned from loving” kind of post. Finding the beauty in the ugly, it is. Here are the 8 qualities of the man you NEED based on your exes and the qualities they DIDN’T have. Most importantly, these are also the qualities YOU need to possess. :)

1. Decent-looking

Looks. Like what I’ve said before, it’s not everything. But is something to actually pay attention to. And this fact is backed up by your own experiences. I’ve noticed that guys who are physically unattractive are not only painful to look at and harder to fall in love with, but are also insecure. They are more likely to cheat because they are insecure and need approval from more than one woman. It is not true that they will worship you because they finally found a diamond despite of them being ugly scavengers. They don’t care about you, they care more about themselves. So pick a handsome man-- it’s a win win *wink wink.*

2. Emotionally healthy

Be with someone who is human. Meaning, someone who can feel. Someone vulnerable. Someone who can laugh with you when you’re happy and also someone who will cry if they lose you. I’ve been with someone who thought it is “manly” to not show any feelings or show that he is hurt. Just don’t date a guy like this anymore.

3. Got his temper together

Notice how he treats you when he is angry. Yes, red flags may wave but does he have a stable flag pole? You’ve dated someone who cussed at you when you pissed him off and someone who drove you home like you’re in the Fast & Furious just because he got called to work in the middle of a cousins’ night game you invited him to. On the bright side, you’ve actually dated someone who didn’t yell at you when you broke his sink and almost scratched his rental car. I need someone who can still be calm when he is angry.

4. Doesn’t mind the numbers

Most, if not all, of your exes actually gave up on you because you were too far. But you know that when it’s love, numbers just don’t exist. No distance, no weight, no height, no amount of money will be too little or too much. So the next time someone asks you to move to their city before you even bring it up, just do the opposite and run away as far as you can quickly.

5. Notices your hard work

Indeed, you were born cute and grew into a physically alluring woman. But that’s given and you didn’t put an effort into having such a beautiful face. It is flattering to hear when he compliments how pretty you are. But I actually need someone to pay attention to what I’m working hard for. Someone who is amazed when I learn some new songs on the piano or guitar. Someone who thinks it’s beautiful how you sacrifice for your parents. Someone who thinks it’s so brave of you to move to a whole, new, different country and have your life turned upside down at the age of 18-- that’s what I need.

6. Good communicator

You need someone who shows you affection without having to ask for it. And I know how much it means to you when he sends you a cute good morning text every time you wake up and a good night text before going to bed. Someone who you can be comfortable with to talk on the phone for HOURS. Someone who will say the words “I love you” to you and actually mean it.

7. Consistency

I thought on my last relationship that it was real. Because I admit that I was (and may always be) a pain in the butt. And yet, it’s not everyday you meet someone who can tolerate you and your craziness. He actually put up with me for a year and a half. But that time is gone the moment he loses consistency to always choose you over a big fight... or some other girl. So wait for someone who will keep choosing you over and over again.

8. Respect

Learn how to respect yourself first so that he’ll respect you too. So please, no sexual kisses on the first date and most especially, don’t give your body to someone who doesn’t deserve it. If you tell them that and still force you into doing it, they obviously DON’T deserve you.

Lucy, I think you keep attracting the same kind of guys-- ugly guys-- whether inside or out (or both.) So we need to break this curse and go on a different wavelength to attract someone decent. Make sure to follow this checklist. And if he meets the first 7, then it’s safe to say that #8 is good as well and that you can start dating him already. :)

[rawandnakd]

WHAT’S IN THE BALIKBAYAN BOX?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my finances, relationships, career, and just life goals in general. It triggered me so much when I was planning my trip back home to the Philippines because my leave wasn’t approved and I started panicking because if I push through, I might lose my job. 

However, as much as my job is the source of my livelihood, this trip is equally very important to me. I like going back home because aside from giving me that “comfort zone” feeling, it reminds me of where I came from. For me, it’s a humbling experience to look back and realize how far you’ve made it in life, yet still keep your feet on the ground.

I remember when I was graduating from college, I made a vow to myself, “isang araw, uuwi ulit ako ng pinas, with my dream job, and will make everyone proud.” And for me, this it the right time to fulfill that vow. It’s now or never.

So when I was weighing the pros and cons of the trip, the biggest question I had in mind was, “kung bang uuwi nalang ako sa pinas kasi nawalan ako ng trabaho, anong mailalagay ko sa maleta ko? Anong dadalhin ko na napala ko sa US?”

Honestly, I don’t have any financial savings because I’ve spent most of it on this trip. And aside of taking full responsibility of myself, I also help out my parents pay rent and basic necessities at home in the US so there’s really not much left of my money. I know, it’s bad. But I tend to enjoy my money while I can— AKA food trips, clothes, skincare, you name it. I’m just a regular person trying to live a life that I WANT.

Fast forward to work today, I was flying American flight #231 from LAX to DFW. Los Angeles passengers are always interesting. They’re the type of people who can afford lip fillers everyday just for fun, own a poop-deodorizing spray company that sold 98 million bottles last year, toss a 2-days-old iPad because they broke the screen and did not want to go through the trouble of repairing it so they would just buy a brand new one the following day. You get the point— they’re just so rich, they’re awfully disgusting! Indeed, Ed Sheeran’s “Beautiful People” has never relayed its message to me in real life until today.

The story gets more interesting as you find out about their “problems.” Majority of the world suffer from either forest fires, hunger, war, volcanic eruptions, and other serious problems. But these people act as if their life is gonna fall apart just because they can’t find an overhead bin space for their newly-purchased designer tote that’s still in its original enormous packaging. They flip out because they ran out of sparkling wines on board. They easily have a ‘rough’ day just because they’re sitting in the middle seat on a 2-hour flight. I mean, seriously? How do I become so rich and entitled to only have such “problems” like that? Sign me up!

Anyway, during the flight, I also heard about Kobe Bryant’s death. He died from a helicopter crash. Obviously, with LA’s traffic, it’ll take you HOURS to drive to get to where you have to be. But talk about being rich, few minutes and you’re even early with a helicopter ride, right? Well for Kobe, his first-world, filthy rich problem actually costed him his life as well as his daughter’s who was also in the said crash. What are the chances your helicopter will crash when it’s absolutely thousand times safer to travel through air than land?

It’s a sad story. But the lesson answered my biggest question. There’s really nothing you can bring, nothing much more important you can pack in a balikbayan box or a suitcase than HAPPINESS. Because in just a blink of an eye, those material possessions, cash, property, fame, and career can disappear without notice. The life that you’ve lived, the hearts that you’ve touched, the times you’ve spent doing what’s good and what made you feel good— those are the things that truly matter. There is no amount of success, career, or wealth that can ever be more important than happiness. Life is too short to worry about money.

As for me, I know it’s a blessing to be a part of this airline. But if I ever come home to the Philippines and don’t have either a job or savings anymore, the biggest question is, “masaya naman ba ako?” Forget about what you’re gonna put in your suitcase or what you will bring home. Just breathe, and ask yourself if you’re really happy. :)

[rawandnakd]

Lessons Learned in 2018

I haven’t been writing anything so far— I guess I’ve become less and less grateful compared to last year. But I wonder if I’ve just really stopped caring and have chosen to not give a damn on anything anymore. I guess as I get older, it’s both getting better and not at the same time.

When I was younger, I kept telling myself these dreams— I want to become a flight attendant, I want to be wearing pretty clothes, I want people around me to look up to me and be proud of me. If I was on a game, I was a level 0 egg.

Fast forward to present, I’m now a flight attendant, I can now wear pretty clothes, and people around me keep telling me that I’ve got my shit together. If I was on a game, I’m maybe at like, level 40 now?

It’s both better and not better compared to my other 22 years. Better because I’ve started to slowly reach my dreams as a kid, and not better because I miss the simplicity of life when I didn’t have all these.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to go back to where I was before— the younger, dumber, and inexperienced dependent girl. But at the same time, I didn’t realize that when you’re young, it’s okay to be stupid. You have an excuse— you’re young. So people will understand you even if you make tons of mistakes.

But as a grown-up young adult, people expect you to know how this life works already. And if you make a mistake, it’s not being stupid anymore— it’s choosing to be stupid. 

I feel like 2018 is the year that I started adulting. I was 22 years old. Major heartbreak, major career transition. The highlight of my year is obviously getting my dream job. But I also learned that life is not fair at all. And maybe that’s why I’ve slowly turned away from feeling emotions— to be happy or to be sad. I’m not sure how to feel anymore. But hopefully 2019 will give me some sunshine to appreciate the beauty of life even more.

[rawandnakd]

3 Months and Counting

(I procrastinate so much, I’m already down to my 4th month!) Time flew by so quickly that I didn’t even realize we’re halfway through this year already. And guess what? I’ve lived in the United States for over a year now! (Unlike last time, I went home to the Philippines exactly a year after.) Guess I’m really over living in the Philippines now, huh? But guess what again? I’ve got a new career! Not to mention a dream job I had since I was a little girl. And I’m surprised how I haven’t talked about it since I started flying 3 months ago.

This is your flight attendant Lucy, at your service, speaking. And let me tell you my journey to getting to where I am today. But first, since I’m not allowed to disclose my airline, let’s just call it the “Happy Airlines,” okay?

May 2017- Application and Assessment Test

A month after graduation. A month after moving back to Vegas. I remember few months back when I was still in school and was getting closer to graduating, I already started applying for jobs— flight attendant jobs— in the United States. Of course, I’ve wanted to work for one of the biggest airlines but at the same time, I was just starting so I wasn’t picky. But when I saw Happy Airlines (which is no doubt the biggest airline in the world), is hiring, I immediately set my insecurities aside and filled up the application online with my best credentials. Shortly, I took an assessment exam, too.

June 2017- Online Interview

After a month of not hearing back from them, I started thinking that they don’t like me. But guess what? I got an online interview! It’s not a real-time one, more like a set of pre-recorded questions you have to answer live. And so, I did my research before sitting down in front of the computer and recording myself. Because just like any other normal interviews, it was nerve-wrecking. You also have to dress nicely and look good. After all, it’s an interview, except you’re talking to the computer and not to a live person— yet.

July 2017- (Invitation to) Face-to-Face Interview

Woah, woah, WOAH! The online interview was already something I thought I wouldn’t get. But after 2 months (that felt like 2 years), I remember crying myself to a voicemail my mom forwarded me— it was Happy Airlines inviting me to a face-to-face interview! (We used to share the same number until I got a job and got my own lol) I just got off my airport job that time and I bet I looked so silly crying while I was walking back to my car. What can I do? I was SHOOK. I called them back to schedule my f2f.

August 2017- (Actual) Face-to-Face Interview

No doubt, this was the PEAK of the hiring process. The most terrifying, most critical, and most challenging of all! The F2F consisted of 3 parts (as far as I remember?)

First, it was all of you (30-ish people?) in the same room and was kind of just an ice-breaker where you kind of just goof around and the Happy Airlines people just assess how you “act.”

Second, you guys are grouped into smaller circles (table by table) and go into a more nerve-wrecking, smaller, and quieter room where it gets more serious. I personally describe this part as the “Pageant Q&A,” where you pick a card and you only get to flip to see the question when it’s your turn to answer. Thank God for my previous pageant experiences and this was quite a breeze for me. Jk, I ALMOST DIED OF NERVOUSNESS.

And if you’re lucky, you get to go to the last part— the one-on-one. So, after that Pageant Q&A, you go back to that same room from the first part. They call your name and pull you out to either send you home or move forward. And by move forward, I meant doing the Pageant Q&A over again except it’s just you and the HR. But wait, there’s more! You can’t be that confident yet because if that last layer of HR didn’t like you, you’re still gonna get sent home. Otherwise, you’ll do the jumpseat test to make sure you fit and don’t actually break the FA seat (lol) and the reach-the-bins test to make sure you can close them, right? Also, they’ll get your fingerprints and they said that’s how you know you’re hired— except they didn’t get mine. Although people said I got it, I didn’t want to give myself false hopes. So I went home confused and hanging.

September 2017- CJO

CJO stands for “Conditional Job Offer,” since you’re hired BUT you still have to pass the 6 and a half weeks training to actually get hired and start getting paid. You wouldn’t imagine the joy I felt when I opened their email. Priceless. 

  October 2017- Drug Test

So it was wine day at my office work! (Not really, but that’s how I want to call it. Haha) and I got so paranoid that I might fail the drug test because it might come with alcohol testing too. But let me tell you, I flew all the way from Vegas to LA just. to. PEE. I know, crazy huh? I had to take the day off and take a 45-minute flight back and forth just to pee for 5 seconds.

February 2018- Training

Let me take back what I said earlier— that the F2F was the most thrilling stage of all. Because I now just realized that training was a roller coaster ride that didn’t just go up and down, loop to loop, slow then fast. For me, it also derailed mid-ride, then left me hanging, then made me wait for someone to rescue me, until I realized I was surrounded with people but there was actually no one who can truly help me but myself. It wasn’t just a roller coaster but also a horror train! Oh god. I would NEVER EVER want to go back to that time again.

Don’t get me wrong— it was horrifying but fun at the same time. I met the most wonderful, inspiring and adorable people I could ever imagine. But think of finally waking up to that day when you have to leave your home behind— your family, your room, your boyfriend, your memories. I know that once I get out of training, it will never be the same again.

It was physically, mentally, and especially emotionally exhausting. To be honest, I got burnt out to the point that I considered going home a week before graduation. My friends knew this all too well. Exams and drills every single day, irregular sleeping patterns, binge eating, boyfriend breaking up with you, what more could you ask for? One word: HORRIBLE.

But hey Lucy, you made it! Three more months and you’re off probation! I know 2018 is a tough year. But you made it through the first quarter of your flight attendant year. I believe you’ll make it through your first year in a breeze! (Plus, you’ll be in Phoenix or LA by that time already. :)

[rawandnakd]

Was it Love?

Some people, when hurting, tend to keep it to themselves until it magically heals. It’s true, there are things you’d rather keep to yourself. But each person has different ways of coping up with every situation they face in their life. And as for me, I’m the opposite-- I let it all out until there are no more words left to say. Little by little, I slowly pull the knives people stabbed me instead of letting them sink into my flesh until they feel natural. Because let’s be honest-- while problems are inevitable in life, solutions shouldn’t be unachievable. And as for me, writing it all out is a way to detoxify my soul. For once, let me be unapologetically me.

I’m a very reserved person. And this will take everything in me to admit: but yes, months later and I’m still hurting. So this time, I’m going to re-evaluate and spill the ups and downs of the most recent relationship I was in-- not to play as the victim and gather sympathy, but to help my present and future self (and other women who might find this useful as well) be reminded of the mistakes I (and the guy I was with) did in the past.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1. Love is patient

Prior to this relationship, I was single for 3 years. Being a traditional dalagang pilipina, I deliberately avoided being in a relationship because I wanted to focus on schooling. Somehow, as I graduated, I longed for companionship and the thought of sharing this new chapter with someone has hit me so hard. Hard enough to start looking for a man. I was patient for 3 years. But not patient enough to stay where I’m at and wait for him to come to me. Instead, I roamed around out of boredom and walked towards him-- towards the wrong man. I wasn’t patient. It wasn’t love.

2. Love is kind

I like to believe that my ex was very generous and kind to me. But when I think about the times I’ve cried myself to sleep and hugged myself to stop crying, I can’t help but feel like he was the most heartless person I’ve ever met. Yes, he made me feel happy. Yes, he picked me up and dropped me off my place every time. Yes, he oftentimes treated me to lunch. Yes, he made food for me every once in a while. Yes, he tried to learn my mother tongue and tried to blend in with my family. He was kind to an extent and that was the problem-- it was only to an extent. It was limited. It wasn’t unconditional. He wasn’t kind enough. It wasn’t love.

3. Love does not envy

I’ll be honest-- I looked up to him so much that I kind of wanted to become like him. Don’t get me wrong, I was genuinely happy for his success and achievements. He served as an inspiration. But somehow, it made me feel lowly of myself just because I didn’t have yet what he had that time (which I will write elaborately in number 4.) I was envious. It wasn’t love. 

4. Love does not boast and is not proud

Three things: money, physical attributes, and possessions. These were the things I felt the most he rubbed in to my face. Although I’m only assuming he had bad intentions, it is indeed a fact that he told me how much money he made when I didn’t want to disclose how much I made. He kept reiterating he was White like he was privileged and I was just another third-world Asian. And he kept bragging how he can effortlessly buy a house and a new car without budgeting. He probably just wanted to reassure me that he got his shit together and he’s dateable because of how he looks and his status in life. Only I wish he didn’t mention those things just to trap me in his game. Rather, he was just boastful. He was just proud. It wasn’t love.

5. Love does not dishonor others

Throughout the relationship, I felt belittled. He made me feel lowly of myself. He made me feel like I was never good enough. When I say I love you, he says, “I know” in return like I wasn’t worthy of loving back. When he didn’t understand what I was trying to say, he said I should just speak in Filipino and just have it translated on Google as if I speak broken English. When I said I’m becoming a flight attendant, he said I’m lucky to be getting paid more than people who attended university as if I didn’t graduate from college myself. Too many times, he dishonored me. It wasn’t love. 

6. Love is not self-seeking

My ex only cared about himself. Made his own decisions, only thought about his own happiness without even considering how it will affect me or make me feel. A relationship is a two-way process. But in the end, it seemed like it was just a relationship with himself and there was I in the corner, an extra-- called as needed. I thought we were sailing on the same boat together, but the next thing I know is I’m already drowning while he kept on sailing without even looking back for me. He made me fall so hard for him only to let me fall on the cold hard ground instead because he didn’t catch me. He was self-seeking. It wasn’t love.

 7. Love is not easily angered

Show up late in a museum because I wanted to meet with my friends/co-workers first? I get yelled at. About to go to work but I coerced him to come with me on a triple date with my cousins first? He drives me back home like we’re on freaking Fast & Furious. I wouldn’t deny, it’s something I did wrong that triggered him. But would you really get angry that easily to someone you ‘love’? No. Because it wasn’t love.

8. Love keeps no record of wrongs

To protect myself and pull myself together after falling down multiple times, I am writing this blog which is obviously a record of our wrongdoings. But even before I get this published, I have already made a list of red flags he showed throughout the relationship. I knew what I was about to get into from the very start. And even though I always had a record of his wrongs, I chose to ignore what I already knew. It wasn’t love.

9. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

I will not embarrass ourselves any further but-- we lied. To our parents, our friends, and even to ourselves. We kept secrets from each other. I don’t know why we did. But I just know we did. Thankfully, I wasn’t born yesterday as he thought I was. But I know what’s going on even without him telling me straight to my face. He lied to me when I caught him still talking to his ex. He lied to me when I caught him swiping through a dating app. His words were empty. For once, no truth came out of his mouth. He was so pathetic because he lives a life filled with lies. It wasn’t love.

10. Love always protects

The first time I ever got wasted was when I had a few bottles of soju with my ex. Funny how I wanted to get drunk because I felt so broken-hearted (even though we were still together that time.) Well, I can already feel that time that he has changed-- like a snake shedding its skin, revealing its true colors. Guess what? He got so upset of taking care of me and even told me he’d just lock me in the bathroom the next time I throw up again. Is he even a man? He couldn’t even protect me and my heart. It wasn’t love.

11. Love always trusts

Almost a year later, I still don’t know his story. He was too cautious and didn’t allow himself to be vulnerable with me. I don’t want to compare him with my old ex, but at least that one revealed his true self before we actually broke up. And because I found out how he lives his life in lies, I never trusted him again after lying to me. It wasn’t love.

12. Love always hopes

It was mid-training when we broke up. I just lost every. single. hope I had for the future. He brought me down. Now I’m just an empty body, floating around in this cruel world. Months later, still haven’t heard back from him. It’s hopeless, it wasn’t love.

13. Love always perseveres

When both of us just gave up, there is no perseverance left. I just exhausted all my time, energy, and emotions in this relationship-- but he never did. He never cared for me. He never persevered. It wasn’t love.

14. Love never fails

Well, it just failed. It’s no one’s fault. There’s nobody to blame. It simply failed because it wasn’t love.

[rawandnakd]

When Bad Things Happen

Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. Like how a girl who grew up in country that has 7,641 islands has never been on a beach in her 22 years of existence until yesterday because she was deprived of going places by her parents.

Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. Like how a 9 AM call from a company be missed by an employee who’s supposed to up and waiting to get called from 6 AM because she overslept.

But hadn’t that girl been deprived all her life to travel places, she might’ve not had the perseverance to make it through school and training to become a flight attendant. But she was so thirsty to explore and so she did all it takes to chase after her dreams.

Hadn’t that employee overslept, she might have picked up the phone to go on a shitty trip instead. But she only picked up the second time and went to the best trip of her career yet. Not to mention going to a beach and feeling the sand for the first time.

Sometimes bad things happen to us. It could feel as forever as 22 years or as brief as 30 seconds. And most of the time, they just don’t make sense on why we have to go through them. Until we find out the silver lining and the beautiful reasons why. 

[rawandnakd]

Lessons My Exes Taught Me

Being out in the real world, it’s so tough to stay true to yourself. It’s a challenge to stick to your morals, your values, and your integrity. Because when it comes to love, you never listen to anyone other than what your heart beats.

I think my last relationship was the most controlled and the most spontaneous at the same time; the most nurturing but also the most destructive. It’s the relationship I was the happiest to be in but also the one that left the worst damage in me.

So whether it’s an ex-boyfriend, ex-crush, or an ex-fling, here are the things my exes taught me when it comes to love, in the hopes of finding and being with the right one next time I fall.

1. Attractiveness is not everything, but it’s something

They said don’t judge the book by its cover. But if you are not physically attracted to them at all, just leave them in the bookshelves and don’t bother wasting both their time and your time. 

2. Trust your guts

You think he’s gay? Bet he is. You think he’s a play boy? Bet he is. You think he’s a cheater? Oh sure he is! Lucy, your guts’ your bff when it comes to guys. So the next time you think a guy WILL BE unfaithful and not loyal to you, just ditch him while you can. 

3. Date to marry

I know I was just in college that time and people said you learn from every guy you meet anyway. But don’t make this your goal-- you always have to date because you’re looking to get married one day. And if you fail, that’s the only time you accept Plan B, which is to look on the brighter side and just learn from the mistakes. But never EVER date because you just want “to learn.” Feelings are not the best things to play with so leave that job to the gym, the studio, or whatever. If you know you’re not going to workout anyway, just DON’T.

4. Don’t settle for unrequited love

In fact, don’t settle for anything less you deserve! Gosh, your parents didn’t bring you up and send you to school just to make yourself pitiful. No, no, and NO. He doesn’t like you? You don’t like him too. Like, thanks but no thanks! Bye!

5. His past is something you accept. But it’s also gotta be something he accepts, too.

You can’t just fix a man who doesn’t wanna be fixed. In fact, you DON’T ever have to deal with that kind of bullshit! What are you, a technician? A guy-repairer? NO. Lucy, you’re a freaking queen and you don’t deal with that shit. No woman has to deal with that shit. So the next time you hear, “that’s just how I was brought up...” You know you’ve heard that line, that excuse, too many times before. And it’s not something you should buy. If he keeps on bringing up his past and living in it, don’t expect to have a future with him because he’s still living in freaking 1992.

6. Easy come, easy go

If you meet on Day 1 and kiss on Day 2, you know how it goes from there. You break up on Day 3. So Lucy, next time, take it easy. And again, don’t play with feelings. No rebounds, no flings, no bullshits.

Reminding Myself of Who I Really Am

I used to be so focused. Guys and girls both looked up to me so much. I went to a strict, Catholic school from kindergarten until I graduated college. My parents, my brother, my teachers, and my seven-year-old self molded who I am today and I just can’t simply let them down just because of a guy! 

I was taught to be patient, because love is. But somehow, shortly before I started adulting and shortly after I saw a sneak peak of the real world, I lost myself. I started lowering my standards just so a guy can keep me. I started doing things I never thought I would be doing just so a guy will like me. I got stuck in a point where I can’t even recognize myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. But then again, I learned my lessons and hopefully, I find my way back to myself.

[rawandnakd]

So Far in My 21 Years of Life

So... I’m about to get another year older in just a few days. Gawd, where did all the time go? As I’ve already mentioned in my blog a hundred times before, I thought I will always be a 10-year-old spoiled (but kind-hearted anyway) brat who has her both parents and one big brother forever. I thought my role in this world was to be a daughter and a baby sister alone. But it seems like... that’s not the case anymore.

Okay, so I have realized that fact a long time ago since it’s already been 11 years since I was that 10-year-old kid. Fast forward to present, I’m already 21 years and 357 days old and here are the things I learned in the last 11 months (and 3 weeks).

November 2016

Less is More

Quality > Quantity

I have accepted the fact that not everyone is going to stay forever. I want to keep them-- but it’s up to them if they will stay or not, if they will keep in touch or not. Of course I just don’t sit here and hope it’s all going to last. I somehow make an effort to keep them. But you know, even friendships follow the give-take system in order to work.

December 2016

It doesn’t hurt to help-- not to mention to make other people happy.

This was the time when we surprised my friend for her birthday, when I spent my Christmas vacation teaching my friends some piano lessons, when I listened to my other friend’s heartaches and hoped I somehow eased the pain. Little things you do for others don’t hurt. They make a big difference in someone else’s life.

January 2017

Whatever you do, make sure it makes YOU happy.

Good or bad, who cares? (Well, just kidding. Of course you shouldn’t be doing bad things, duh.) Anyway, the highlight of this month was me messing up during a gig. It’s ok, I just laughed it off. What’s important is that I had fun. I don’t bat an eyelash to haters.

February 2017

Shit happens. But whatever kind of shit happens, always look for the brighter side.

For a reason I still don’t know even until now, my laptop’s screen got broken. I just woke up one day and it’s just not working anymore. It’s a big deal, I was still a student and I lived in front of a computer doing projects and what not. Another shitty thing: went to the Hot Air Balloon Festival LATE and ended up taking shitty photos instead of insta-worthy ones. But hey, I was able to go to the UP Fair with a friend, and it was a dream come true! After all, happiness is a choice. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

March 2017

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last day of school. Who would’ve thought I’ll make it this far? I used to think I’ll be stuck in school forever. I mean, after tasting adulthood, I think I don’t mind! Lol jk.

April 2017

You reap what you sow.

Endings make way for new beginnings.

Graduation! Yes, the end of student life and the start of adulthood (plus being officially unemployed!) But it was 4 years of hard work and that feeling of finally moving forward is priceless. Not to mention I wasn’t only graduating from school, but also from the Philippines. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling, tbh. But like I said, just look on the brighter side.

May 2017

Slow progress is still progress.

The adjustment phase. The “I have to be patient” attitude. The “getting over jetlag” stage. I got a bit impatient. I wanted to be established ASAP. But I’m only human and I can only do so much.

June 2017

Everybody starts small. We all begin life as a single cell. Every business starts as one person with an idea.

First job after college? Sales associate at a gift shop in the airport. Yep. I got different criticisms from people, like why the heck am I working in such field when I have a bachelor’s. But who cares? It’s a stepping stone for me to get my dream job.

July 2017

First impressions don’t last... or maybe they do?

Met my boyfriend this month. I thought he was a nerd (and turned out he really is! HAHA) and I should back off ASAP! But he proved to me that being yourself is actually sexy (even if you’re nerdy. Lol.)

August 2017

You learn how to be happy with yourself, and with other people, too.

Patience is, still, a virtue.

Went to a concert alone. Did I have a good time? Of course! Went on a date and officially jumped into a relationship with someone. Was I happy? Definitely.

Plus, finally got a job offer from my dream job. See? It’s patience... and hard work.

September 2017

Months later, they’re still there

Indeed, there are people worth keeping and fighting for.

October 2017

You can be on your own... and still have your heart beating

No more older brother, lived 2 years without my dad, and this time... my mom. Soon, I will be completely on my own when I start my dream job. I wonder how I’m still alive. Maybe it’s because of my lucky charm-- myself.

November 2017

When you love someone, you accept them for who they are.

When you love yourself, you don’t let them take advantage of you for accepting them.

Rule of thumb, you love until it hurts.

This part is too long so I’ll make a different post for it.

[rawandnakd]

Halloween 2017 Realization

It’s Friday, and I hoped it was just another day at work-- except it wasn’t.

So one of my coworkers brought his daughter with him today, as so did my boss. My coworker’s daughter is a bit grown-up already-- more like a high schooler, I wanna say. But her dad is still very affectionate to her, and I can see that because, well, he brought her with him to work. My boss’ daughter, on the other hand, is still a little girl. She said hi to me and my other coworker while we were still busy working. My coworker gave her a couple of Pocky sticks, and in return, she gave her candy from her trick-or-treat pumpkin basket.

Little girls remind me of someone whom I've used to be as well as someone whom I’ve always wanted to be-- carefree, happy, and loved. They don’t have to worry about anything except which candy they’re gonna eat first. They don’t worry about bills, heartbreaks, broken trusts, and all that shitty adulting stuff.

On the other hand, it always melts my heart whenever I see the big guys soften up whenever they’re with their daughters. They seem hard as rocks outside, but they’re soft and sweet as cotton candies inside whenever their daughters are around-- just like how my coworker and boss are.

Because I’ve encountered so much father-daughter affection today, it made me realize that I just want to be a little girl again. I don’t want to know what “worry” is. I don’t want to be obliged to go to the same office 9-5 every day. I don’t want to deal with complicated adult stuff. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it feels fulfilling being able to chase after your dreams slowly. But sometimes, I just sigh and realize the irony that I’ve always wanted to be a big girl who got all her shit together; but now, I just want to go back and be basic. I wish I realized and appreciated my little self better before. I wish I could just be a little girl again collecting candies on a Halloween. 

[rawandnakd]

My Vegas Self: Then & Now

Had I only endured homesickness and held back my desire for school back then, I should’ve been an “American” for 3 years now. But thank goodness for all the things that happened, my 2014 self and 2017 self are astoundingly way too different from each other... in a good way.

First, let me talk about my flight experience: back in 2014, much to my surprise that I had motion sickness! (on the plane, at least) so when we were landing, I can’t describe how nauseated and dizzy I was! (I was fine with the other plane/s prior to this one.) I don’t know if it’s just the turbulence or what, but I felt like my stomach was swirling and bouncing at the same time.

In 2017, I was chill and even chatting with a friend like nothing’s happening. Lol.

Jet lag: back in 2014, the first time I arrived in the US, my body clock is still set to Philippine local time. I would only wake up whenever it’s morning in the Philippines and go to bed when it’s bedtime in the Philippines. I suffered jet lag for about a few days to few weeks, I guess. My body was being resistant to change.

Fast forward to 2017, I guess my body still had its “adapting to change” phase for a few days. But compared to 2014, it wasn’t so bad. Since the flight took us roughly 2 days, I never had a proper rest while on the plane (well, I slept, but the “bed sleep” is different!) so it wasn’t so bad to wake up at 2pm local time (that was about 5am in the Philippines, and I never woke up that early back there!) when I went to bed at 11pm. So I’m thinking that my sleeping schedule was more because of tiredness rather than being jet lagged.

Shelter: In 2014, we used to live in a big house (yeah, more like a mansion) with my aunt’s family while we were still adjusting to the new lifestyle. Everything’s fully-furnished, including my OWN room. I felt like an instant princess with a silver spoon in her mouth. However, I was never used to living with people other than my mom and dad so that was quite the thrill.

In 2017, we moved to our own apartment and started to live from scratch-- no huge TV, no mattress in my room (good thing I still have my own room, though), no wi-fi, no cable, no sofa and furnitures... nothing! I felt like a first-world cavewoman. But I liked it better because who doesn’t like to have their own personal space, eh? I love my space more than any luxury in the world. Lol. And somehow, I realized also how hard it really is to live life... and be an adult.

People I’m keeping ties with back home home: In 2014, I felt like I left the world for nothing (well, ALL my friends were in the Philippines and I knew no one from Vegas-- which kind of drove me crazy for a bit.) There were also so many tears before I left! So I kept myself attached to everyone and I think that made me drag myself back in the Philippines. I also had a long-distance boyfriend so I found myself constantly waiting for his messages (which never came... in the end). Could it even get worse than that?

In 2017, I kind of distanced myself to people who are not so worth it anymore. And for the new people I met during my stay in the Philippines, my walls were taller and harder to take down. I filtered and filtered my friends that it has become such a small circle-- but very true and worth it. Also, I purposively did not get a boyfriend because I didn’t want to hold on to someone so distant anymore. (Although I still found myself waiting for someone’s messages from the other side of the world. 😝) So when it was time to leave, it wasn’t as hard anymore because I know they’ll be hanging on even without much effort.

Plans with my money: In 2014, I was so naïve and selfish that I only cared about myself! I bought this and that, splurged whatever I can until my bank account says $0. But thinking about it, if I haven’t bought the things that I wanted (and NEEDED), I might have been living with an empty heart until now. To make things less worse, I still tried my best to help with the bills (although not genuinely lol). But in short, I admit I was really very irresponsible and immature daughter back then.

In 2017, even before I started my job, I’ve been making a list of how to be of help in the family. Adulting, it is! And... I realized it’s also important to maintain a good relationship with my other family members! See, I’m already thinking like a fully-grown 21-year-old! Lol.

Over-all lifestyle: In 2014, I used to have the “white bear effect”-- the one where you suppress your thoughts, only to find out that it made you think about it more. In simpler terms, I told myself that I wasn’t homesick, that I don’t miss the Philippines. And guess what, it made my situation worse because it really made me think about the Philippines more! Lol.

In 2017, I don’t feel new to Vegas anymore. It already feels like home (except I’m still figuring things out, of course). But the idea of going back to the Philippines right now is quite dreadful. Lol. I would still want to take a vacation back there but I found myself more focused now of what’s ahead of me rather than look back at the past.

So yeah, that’s about it. (oh, and I think I got more courageous to steer the wheel alone now!-- literally) lol. Okay. So. I think I wouldn’t notice and appreciate these changes at all if it wasn’t for my 2-year stay in the Philippines. It was really an eye-opening experience because it made me realize many things I wouldn’t even know at all if I stayed in America in the past 3 years. Staying in the Philippines made me miss Vegas and all the good stuff I can do here. It made me more focused and prepared to be in the real world. They said that if you want to fly, you have to give up everything that weighs you down. So now, I can confidently say that I’m starting over again, with a clean slate.

[rawandnakd]

Every Parent’s Most Awaited Day

...and here’s something I wrote few months before the BIG DAY!

“I cannot believe that me and my batchmates are finally graduating today. And to be honest, I never dreamed of this moment. Yes, I never intended to graduate in college. At some point in life, just like other young people, I lost hope. But I regained consciousness as I recall a happening years back.

As you know, my family faced a major obstacle 7 years ago-- that is when my brother died of an accident. And I don't want to keep on digging this up, but what can I do? It caused a permanent damage into my mother and father's life. While I, on the other hand, took it as a driving force in my life.

Back to the time of the accident, my brother was a 3rd year college student-- he was only about a year from graduating. And even though I am not a parent, I am very much aware that a mother and father's real treasures are their children. And the success of their children is also their own.

The old saying says, "The best gift parents can give to their children is education."  But as for my parents, it was so near yet so far. My brother was so near to graduating but his life was taken away too early before the ceremony even happened.

It should've been a happy story until it turned into a pitiful and melancholy one. My parents should've been relieved on my brother's graduation because finally, their first born son has become an educated man they can be proud of. They can worry less of him because they know that they have given all their best to make him the person that they dreamed him to be. But rather, the thorns in their chests got even heavier than ever... and seeing their son in the coffin is the most dreadful thing I can ever imagine. Not only my brother's dreams of becoming a pilot was wrenched, but also my parents' were shattered into pieces.

Because let's be honest-- why do parents work hard in life? Is it because of a dream house? Maybe. Is it because of a dream car? Maybe. But as far as I know, it's not for them... but for their children. They lose sleep and become busy in their jobs just to raise their children well. While the children grow up, the parents grow old, too. And as time passes by, they become weaker and weaker.

But they don't care-- as long as they can feed their children, clothe them nicely and send them to school. It is every parent's dream come true to see their child up in the stage. They worry less, and then become more confident in their children. "Ah, I have raised him well", they'll say and they'll be in joyful tears.

But in the case of my parents... they never did. They never experienced how it feels like to see their child earn a Bachelor's degree-- not until today.

I know somehow before, they were counting down for my brother's graduation which never happened. And so, after 7 long years of waiting, I'd like to show them that my brother never died-- not in my heart, at least. He has always lived in me.

And this graduation... is not mine alone. But his' as well. He wanted to fulfill my parents' dreams even if it took us so long to reach the finish line. I believe that I couldn't be here without my brother. If it wasn't for him, maybe I am just another person living life wastefully.

And so, what I'm trying to point out is that graduation is not really for the students, but rather for the parents who worked hard, who skipped the latest units of iPhone just so they can feed their children everyday, who put away their own wants for their children's own needs. After all these hardships and sacrifices, they don't deserve to be taken for granted. They deserve to be paid back in any way their children can. They deserve to be loved, too, even in a way not so usual to the society. 

The journey has only just begun. And so, let's all not forget to pause for a while and re-evaluate what or who pushed us to become the person we are today and how should we continue to push through in this life full of uncertainty.” END.

Fast forward to present: this day wasn’t as dramatic as I’ve expected. Neither I nor my parents cried or became emotional. Lol. Probably because we were leaving the country the following day so there was something else that was taking up our emotions. I also didn’t meet my classmates or spend a little more time with them. It was only a few minutes (or even seconds) of saying hello or taking pictures with them. This day was really solely getting up the stage all dressed up. Lol. But anyway, really wanna thank my parents for being with me and my friends who were there till the very last day of my HAU life. Laus Deo Semper!

[rawandnakd]

Our Sweet, Humble Abode

Behind the first family vehicle I remember is our little house, circa 2000

As I stepped outside to do my evening routine walk, I felt a little emotional imagining myself inside a van, leaving at night time, our house slowly fading away and getting out of my sight like a scene in a sad movie-- because that’s how it was when we left 3 years ago.

Whenever I leave the house during normal days, it is usually very hot outside (because my classes were in the afternoon) yet I feel a little adventurous when the rays of sun hit my eyes. I feel energized throughout the day. Though I never really appreciated the gift of shelter that I always have a nice home to rest and go back to. One thing I will always remember is walking myself home in the evening when my classes are over. I like blasting music in my ears while walking-- it feels therapeutic.

But then, the time has almost come and we have to leave again. This time, there will be no reason to go back. No reason to go home. No reason to stay in our comfort zone. It feels challenging. It feels like a refreshment. But leaving our house feels like the most heartbreaking part other than leaving friends & family behind.

As much as I want to preserve the happy nocturnal memories in this house, it has been with our family through thick and thin. Other than the happy memories I had as a kid-- playing with my brother, spending the day with my toys and watching cartoons-- it has also been the house we lived in when my dad resigned from his job as an engineer (which was, I think, the peak of his career), when my mom had a surgery, when my brother passed away, and when I was an awkward teenager going through puberty.

One thing I realized is that, it is never the same house we used to live anymore. Just like a human being, it changes. For me, it has also life. It ages through time. However, I still love it and I even dream of taking care of it in the future. I treasure how right this very moment, my mom and dad are chatting outside and I can overhear their conversation here in my room. I think in the next years to come, this might be impossible to experience again-- just like how impossible it is to play with my brother in this house again. No matter how much I complain about this house not having AC that feels very hot and uncomfortable in the summer, I will still surely miss it. 

Someday, when I go back home here, the memories won’t be merely of the happy ones anymore. The painful days will go back to me, how we endured it, how we kept on fighting to live and how we survived. Indeed, this house was not only a witness of a family living happily ever after but also a shelter when the rains and storms stopped by.

[rawandnakd]

Temporary Friends

They are the ones whom you thought they got your back until the end of time but they’re gone even faster than the blink of an eye-- temporary friends. Because not only problems and curses come to pass, but also beautiful friendships and life lived in love.

I’ve had too many of them that they made me sick of friendships and relationships. I thought only romantic relationships were toxic, but as time goes by, I realized that friendships also have their own expiration dates. Sometimes, they’re easier to guess than romantic relationships because it depends upon the situation you’re in.

Say for example, you are in college and you got your college friends. Those college friends will most likely slowly fade away once you graduate (or a few months after that). They can easily forget about you once you’re out of their sight. It doesn’t take too long for them to realize they’re done with you so the next thing to do is to move on. While you there on the other hand, is busy thinking of ways how to make them feel ~still~ loved even when you’re apart from each other.

Personally, I am a very sentimental person. I treasure each person who walks into my life. They leave a footprint behind and I tend to take care of that footprint because I believe they’ll be back. That way, I can show them that I am a loyal friend. But sometimes, they just don’t care anymore because they will never be back unless they need something from you-- not because they WANTED to spend their precious time with you. And for me, I learned it the hard way.

When I was in elementary, I got this autograph book where I keep all my “friends’” personal profiles. Not much, but just something like their birthdays and favorite colors. At the very last page of that book is where I list down all the people I think of as “friends”. And when I try to reflect on it in the present, there is only ONE person who is still my friend until now. The rest, I’m not even sure if I still know their faces or names and vice versa at all. But seriously, I think I was the shy-but-friendly type of classmate so I got like 20 people on that list but only 1 out those 20 is my friend until now.

Well, I don’t regret being with friends with them even just for a few years because looking back at it, I might not be able to get through grade school if it wasn’t for them. The same goes to the other friends I made in high school, college and even outside school. Not that I’m bitter or grudging or feeling betrayed, it’s just that I realized that we just grew out of it. It doesn’t mean we were never friends that we never liked or even loved each other. It’s not that those laughters and meals we shared were fake-- it’s just that the time has passed and we need to move on in order to grow. We couldn’t grow together anymore that’s why we’re taking different paths individually.

Sure, I miss those times. I miss those people. I miss talking to them and I’d still smile and say ‘hi’ if I ever run into them down the streets. But not to the point that I wouldn’t allow myself to sleep peacefully or cry or jump off the rooftop of a building. I guess I’ve matured and I only keep a few people within my circle. I don’t easily break down my walls anymore and I keep myself unattached as much as possible, especially that I’m leaving.

Even if we don’t talk that much anymore, I’d still remember all the times we shared together. At least once in my life, they are the people I shared moments with-- moments of my life that I can never get back. I promise to keep them within my heart. And it doesn’t have the latest 1TB memory of a hard drive to remember everything bit by bit to know exactly how we acted or how we became friends. It sure just have enough storage to get by. But we know what we do when the storage is almost full, right? We always try to maintain and keep only the good ones-- the ones worth it of that precious storage. 

These people know exactly who they are-- the “true friends”-- the ones I always confide in, for so many years of my life. The new people I meet who are just about to start breaking down their walls to share their life with me and vice versa. Their friendships don’t have expiration dates, at least none that I am aware of yet. I know they don’t only shine when the sun is out but they are also like diamonds, sparkling even in the darkest of nights. And now I believe that these people are so rare to find so I always consider myself blessed that I have met them in my life. Because of them, I feel like I deal with less shits in life. 

Now, I only have 20 days left and I’m physically leaving all my friends (in the Philippines) behind. Should the expiration dates of our friendships come, I want them to know that even if they turn out to be just a “temporary friend” in the end, I won’t be holding grudges against them because I understand. I’ll still be hanging on the other side of the bridge, quiet like a well-behaved ghost and never bothering anyone. But deep inside, I’m screaming and I miss them. In case they feel the same way, they should know that hitting a few buttons won’t hurt and I will still be the same person they met 20 years ago. I hope the expiration dates won’t come but I just want to make sure that I will still be their friend even though they don’t treat me like one anymore. This one’s for sure though: I WILL MISS THEM AND I LOVE THEM UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

[rawandnakd]

Last Day of School!

So our block (AB-403) decided to do something special on our last day as classmates. We were supposed to meet earlier than our last class to do a photoshoot and eat early dinner all together. 

However, it was almost an hour and a half past our rendezvous but my classmates weren’t still with me. I was quite disappointed at them since this is the last time we can celebrate together but they’re still not getting into their senses. Lol. So even if there were only a handful of us, we already started taking pictures.

After the picture-taking, we headed to Bab Jip to get samgyeopsal (every pinoy’s favorite Korean food. Lol.) Due to the tight schedule we now have, we debated (yes, debated) if we are going to rent a jeep or not. This could be easier if we had money to spend and an uber available in our area, right? Lol kidding aside, we finally decided to rent (and we probably wasted 20 minutes thinking about it).

The food was really good!!! And I really like the fried rice Brian cooked. Why didn’t I sit next to him???? Lol.

And so after filling our empty tummies and getting out of the restaurant like it’s been 5 months that we have already grown babies in our bellies, we rushed back to the school to attend our first and last subject for the day (and for the whole semester). We barely made it on time. Lmaoo.

So after the class, we headed to the chapel area together with our professor to take class pictures. Also, my classmates went crazy asking each other to write messages on their uniforms. I, on the other hand, chose to stay “unstained” because I know my mom won’t like to see a stained uniform.

But then, when everyone else just finished doing their businesses, I became the next target. I was really, really, really hesitant at first (obviously) but these jerks caught me LOLOLOL.

So yeah, I had no choice but to withdraw and stand still while they write on my uniform.

Everyone left and we were (I think) the last group still taking photos. When we were ready to leave and go home, we stopped by another picture-taking-station which was the facade of the main building. I think we are really gonna miss each other that much, huh?

So this picture really depicts the last day of school feels: we are now free AF! Yeah, AS FUUUUCCCKKKKK. Lmaooo. And right, I’ll admit I was VERY (not a little bit, but VERY!!!) disappointed of my classmates at first for being late (and others for not showing up AT ALL, especially in our dinner!) but I guess that’s just the way they really are so I just have to accept that fact and move on. Because finally, this is the last time I have to deal with them in school, and as a classmate. It’s their loss, not mine, right? LOL kidding. However, I can still be their friend in life if they wish to. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling that I am losing crazy people around me, but being crazy is cray, right? Idk. I’m talking gibberish now. Lol.

[rawandnakd]

College Life Story

I faced too much criticisms, negativity and judgments from different types of people around me— the ones whom I barely knew, the ones whom I didn’t have a very good relationship with, and even the ones whom I trusted as a family— more than anyone could ever think of. 

They were saying in my face that I would never have a good future with this kind of course, that I would never earn that much money, that even if I graduate, it would be of no use in America (or even in the Philippines), and most especially, it’s a waste of time, money and effort so it’s better to shift into a different course that would be useful in making money.

I was almost discouraged and many times I was at the verge of giving up. But then I realize, it is education that I want, not money-making, bragging-my-course-is-so-cool-I’m-gonna-be-rich-af-when-I-graduate or mom-is-saying-this-makes-money-so-I’ll-stick-with-it type of course. As long as I love what I’m doing, as long as I know this hones my skills and talents, as long as I meet new people who moves me and pushes me to work harder, as long as I learn the valuable lessons in life, as long as I know looking back at my experiences will make me smile in the future, I know better than to be a puppet of the society and slave of materialism.

So what if I end up with an $8/hr 9-5 job? If I end up a ringing items at a store? If I end up making calls day and night? Those are reputable jobs. There will always be a room for improvement. I can always get better or take new classes. At least I’m not one of those students who are just studying for the sake that they were told to do so. Even if I don’t earn hundred thousands or even millions of dollars every year, WHO CARES? It’s my life and it’s none of your business. Money won’t last. But all the experiences I had during this 4-year course will stay with me for a lifetime until all your golden bars run out.

[rawandnakd]

Dream Come True: OPM Night!

Prior to this event, I was already worrying who’ll go with me or how will I get to UP. A little throwback: as you know, last year, I was supposed to attend as well-- complete with transportation and room accommodation from my UP friend. But my mom took back her permission on the last minute of the day of the event. 

I felt so bad for not showing up because we have already planned for it since Christmas of the previous year. We were excited and all, only to get ruined by my mom. Since then, I’ve promised myself that I will do my best to make up with her (refer to my UP Travel Blog) and attend this event the following year (which is this year).

But anyway, I made it!!! This is another check-off in my bucket-list! I was with Tin and I cannot describe the adventure we’ve done because it was EPIC. How we got there, how we survived the night with no reliable transportation, and how we were able to go home safely. Lol. It was one of a heck experience in my life! But the most important part was enjoying the night with my (and other 90′s kids’) favorite local bands such as Silent Sanctuary, Spongecola, Gloc-9, Itchyworms, Rocksteddy and Hale. I also had a love-hate relationship with the crowd because they were pushing and jumping all around during the set of Rocksteddy (because Teddy told us to do so).

There’s not much pictures because it’s more of a listening and chilling type of event. What’s more to this event was the fact that it was my first time taking the bus in the evening, going with a friend who is not very familiar with the place we’re heading to (but since I’ve been to this place before, I’m quite confident enough to fake more confidence. Lol) and uhm say, taking the no-AC bus on our way home. I wouldn’t also forget fast-walking in the streets of Angeles because I was scared of pickpockets and the like because it was so dark at 4 in the morning. There was only one jeep available so I took that on my way home. I successfully made it home by 5:30-ish. It quite felt like another Rock in Rio-ish adventure in the Philippines. Lol. Anyway, my heart is really dancing to have experienced this event. Too bad, Murs wasn’t able to go. She was quite hot and cold when the event was approaching, ended up not going at all. It could’ve been better if she was with us. And also, I thought I’ll be spending the night with my UP friend, Berny, as well. It turned out that she only sold me tickets (or maybe because I was with a friend?) But it’s okay, everything turned out right and still had fun. Lol. One of my dreams was to see as many OPM artists as I could before I head back to America, glad I did.