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when someone leaves…

When someone leaves you, you don’t just remember the moments you shared with them. Or their faces and mannerisms. It’s not merely the visual memories that eat away at you. The auditory reflections have a specific, brutal kind of sting to them. You remember everything they said. You pick their words apart, trying to make sense of them. Trying to find a warning, a promise, and explanation, of what was to come. And how you could have prevented it.  

And the worst thing is when you find none. 

Nothing to justify their disappearance from your life. To justify the crippling unfairness of it all. 

Thinking of all the words from He Tian in the past few days…the sweet nothings, the scoldings, the teasings, the declarations….all of it will be turning over in Mo’s mind when He Tian leaves. He’ll mentally inspect them tirelessly, replaying them until it becomes a compulsion that’s as excruciating as it is comforting. Until they all jumble together in a blur of what could have been…acting as both balm and salt to his emotional wounds.

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She Li (derogatory)

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Old xian trying to go more than two chapters without mo getting attacked or hurt in some way:

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2 things are always constant in 19 days:

1. mo guan shan getting hurt

2. jian yi being involved in some ridiculous event w a child or an animal

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NOT ONLY did Guan Shan allow He Tian to pick him up like this in public without a fuss:

BUT He Tian also gently scolds him for getting hurt and Guan Shan agrees to try to prevent this from happening again in the future. They really are so married I can’t take this anymore 😭😭😭

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Who is that lonely man you're seeing? Is it him? The one you're scared will leave you?

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Actually Mo has always been and still is a kind person. He immediately jumped up to catch the old man in the wheelchair and got hurt in the process. How many times has he shown kindness to others and got hurt? And he still keeps doing it. He IS kind.

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She Li needs therapy, very urgently. Boy, ure 15, don't go around acting like a serial killer. 💀

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A big rant about Mo's loneliness

He tian and Mo guan shan differences have been shown very clearly by now, not only on their social/monetary positions but also on their views of life,

One of the mains ones being how they face the future, Mo seems to try and completely ignore it. He doesn't seem particularly interested in thinking or even having hope about it, because he has a very realistic/pessimistic view on life. He wants to live on and win money, that's it, he wasn't even willing to feed his hope of learning to play the guitar. And, most importantly for this post, he doesn't seem to think at all about having a partner

The only time we've seen him talk about it he gave a vague answer, ("as long as they are cute") I think he mostly sees his future as gaining money and that's it.

But then, He tian happens

And he starts to build a hope for a future together, HT loves to talk about it, to build it, and to put some light into the concept of loneliness. He tian wants more from life, and he wants Mo to live it with him, to have their dreams and lives entwined.

Ht is lonely and I think that makes Mo realize that he is too. Lately we've seen him start to reflect on this a little more, starting with the fish. (Yeeah I'm bringing him back)

At this point Mo is at his lowest (except from the beating lol) and he identifies himself with the fish. "Alone" and dying, but we see that that's not what he desires, I think this is an indication that he starts to want more as well, to not disappear/die alone. So he tries to save the fish.

And then he sees this.

He tian also takes care of the fish, without even questioning it. This makes their bond concrete, this brings Mo to accept HT care, and companionship. He tian is now the person who Mo trusts the most, and the person who he is now realizing keeps him from his loneliness.

And then in this chapter we see him staring at the lonely dancer, and ponder about the future and the idea of being alone.

And then in contrast, we see Ht coming back, taking care of him and once again, planning a future together. We see that that future is no longer what awaits him, because now he has HT, someone that (even without saying) he trusts and loves.

In short, I think Ox has been showing us the development of their relationship in a very subtle and amazing type of way, from not even wanting to think about the future, to recognizing his loneliness, to then choosing to escape that future and live being loved.

Tldr: I love mo guan shan, he didn't actively know he was lonely and then he did and now he isint anymore, and he finally sees how Ht has changed that.

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cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat

cat?

CAT!!!??

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Mo: I hurt my foot …

Tian:

Tian: Are you fucking with me?

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Not to be an angst junky or anything (though I totally am, I thrive on the angst) but I really hope we get to see a pining Mo Guan Shan after He Tian’s departure.  We know He Tian doesn’t like to feel lonely or alone but what about Mo?  He’s always been alone so that doesn’t seem like something that bothers him too much but with He Tian leaving this might be the first time he ever starts to feel lonely.  

I’m sure Jian Yi (while he’s around) and Xixi will do their best to keep him company but Mo’s deepest connection is inarguably with He Tian.

I’d also love to see an official art piece centered around Mo and those feelings too.  Something introspective for him and a little softer.  

It’s so beautiful when we get to see Mo being soft on those rare occasions.  It’s the reason I love this particular official art so much is because Mo looks so much softer towards He Tian.  Obviously he’s still scowling because when is he not but he’s leaning in to He Tian, there’s so much longing in this piece, a desire to be close 

and of course this one too, he’s being so soft with He Tian.  Letting Tian hide away as he buries his face against his neck, arms sneaking underneath his jacket to seek out his warmth and the comfort that his presence provides.  And Mo’s expression is just… soft but kind of pained.  Like that feeling you get when you miss someone so much and you’re happy to see them but you’re also trying to keep yourself from breaking down and crying…

Old Xian’s art style is just exemplary and it’s only getting better so I would love love love to see a solo piece with Mo being pensive and thoughtful while he thinks about his “friend”.

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old xian #19天# 画了幅贺呈大哥，从转发里抽一位同学，将得到这张签绘～ ​​

​( #19days# I drew a picture of Brother He Cheng, and one among those who will retwit this, one is going to get this autographed drawing~​​ ​)

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yes.

come collect your man guan shan he is so embarrassing

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i fucking love it here 😭

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And honestly I have been begging for answers,

That you and only you can give to me ~