rdesai

[rdesai]

When a Cancer Thinks Logically..

Sometimes it takes years to pick up the pieces after a shitty break-up. I believe that people who are "over things" so quickly either never really cared, or haven't fully healed.

After interviewing at several medical schools, and then starting 2 years ago, every. single. professor. made one thing very clear: "Leave the emotional baggage behind.." and "If it's not a thought or relationship that makes you perform at your best every single day, it's not something you can afford to waste time on in medical school." I didn't truly understand this until I was thrown into this crazy med student lifestyle. Most of the time I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with my heart break when there are other things going on - like learning about every detail of the body; then understanding all of the things that could go wrong with it; why they go wrong, how they can progress; and how to fix these problems so that I don't kill my future patients or let them die on my watch because I made a mistake.

I saw a lot of classmates falling behind and in really bad places because they didn’t let go of “their baggage”, or couldn’t do the long distance thing anymore. I didn’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am that person. There’s just too much on the line when you’re in medical school: your entire career. My parents have invested a ridiculous amount of time, effort and money. I’VE invested everything... and to ruin it now? All because I couldn’t get over a guy I fell in love with in college? 

However sometimes, when I feel a little less human (because that’s what happens to many people when they become involved in medicine)... I let my mind go, and give in to my heart. I start thinking, making life realizations, self-reflecting, walking down memory lane, going through phases like "Oh-My-God-I'm-Totally-At-My-Best-Nothing-Can-Ever-Bring-Me-Down!" to "Screw-Boys-Who-Needs-Them" to "I'm-So-Devastated-And-Will-Never-Come-Out-Of-This" to my "I'm-Just-Going-To-Marry-Myself-One-day-Because-Some-Lady-Did-It-Theres-An-Article-On-Buzzfeed-About-It-So-Yeah" phase. For a long time, I’d say maybe even a few years - I felt empty inside. I had no closure, and was just ignored. I reached out to him many times, sometimes when I just needed my best friend back - but I got nothing, or really generic replies like I was conversing with an acquaintance (which is way worse than nothing - it’s a slap in the face). When I spent time with the people I loved the most [at home, in my safe zone, my comfort zone] I still wasn’t truly happy. I felt this huge void. I felt like I wasn’t worth his time or anyone else’s. Sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt worthless. People told me a million times “how incredible” I am, and how “he’s just not a good person”, and “I deserve someone who’s perfect”.. blah blah blah *so many eye rolls*. None of that actually meant anything to me because I didn’t hear it from him. 

As I self-reflect today, 6 days after the birthday of this guy I dated all throughout college, I finally realized that I don’t care to hear any of those things from him... and I don’t even know how or when that happened. This year is the first time I didn't do anything for his birthday or call him since 2011. If anyone knows me - Birthdays mean a lot to me. The thing that means the most: a phone call at midnight from the people I’m closest to. And THAT. is it. I really don’t care about anything else. There’s something about someone making the effort to set an alarm to wake up at midnight to call me, or staying up until it’s time just once a year for me - it means the entire world. I can’t truly explain why, but it just does.

Old me to me after we broke up: Don’t be mean. Call him and wish him a happy birthday, remind him how special he is.

Also me to me: If you say happy birthday, he'll be thinking of you all day and remember how incredible and thoughtful you are, and how much you care about him. He's gonna be like, "Wow, Riddhi. Thanks. I love you. Let's get married."

Don't roll your eyes, or LOL at me. I told you in the first post that I'm a little BSC (bat shit crazy)..... Or did I?

I'm always reminded of him - every single day, whether I make it a point to pay attention to the reminder or not. Sometimes it could be a cool study song I think he'd like, a really interesting case I went over in school, or just making a connection in my medical knowledge that I hadn't before and know he'd appreciate. When ridiculous things happened at school, I wanted to tell him first. If someone pissed me off, I wanted to vent to him so he can be like “Riddhi, you’re overreacting.” and then sympathize with me after I get mad at him for saying that. I used to have to train myself - If I spent more than a minute on a thought about him, I'd say to myself "Riddhi. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a guy who doesn’t care about you when you are so close to pursuing your dream? Are you dumb? No? Ok so stop." Over time and lots of little reality checks, I didn't have to yell at myself anymore. I just blocked it out; because I'm in medicine and that's what we do. We block out emotions. It’s what I gotta do, or else I wouldn't pay attention to my work and I wouldn't know that Rifampin causes your pee and tears to become red/orange. #ItsNotHematuria #ItsJustRifampin

I passionately dislike being reminded of a guy I loved, who dumped me.. every single day, even when I don't actively try to think about him. Med school made me realize something simple: Be an adult. Think logically. (It's unfortunate that I needed to put myself in a lot of debt to figure that out. I should've just read a magazine or something)

So the “be an adult” part - that is tough, solely because I dislike adulting. Adults are boring. They live by all these rules, and have monotonous schedules to follow from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. They meal prep. They have a bedtime....... I literally just described myself, so I have to face the reality now.

Think Logically? Blasphemy. I'm a cancer. We feel things. We don't think things. Then again, Med school taught me - the more I feel, the more shitty position I'll be in later on because I'll make mistakes, get too invested, not think as objectively as I need to, etc etc basically a cascade of unstoppable events like after insulin binds to a tyrosine kinase receptor --> autophosphorylation --> more phosphorylation --> and more --> so that's just a downward spiral right there if you have an insulinoma...

“Logic, Riddhi.. logic. If I don't want to be reminded of him, maybe I should stop reminding him of me too. If I don't reach out, I'll break this HBD chain that's been going on with this dude for the past few years (since the only time he reaches out to me is at midnight every year to say happy birthday since we broke up - I think because he pities me or feels like he owes me something). If I break this chain, he won't reach out to me either...”

LOGIC. IS THIS LOGIC? AM I BEING LOGICAL? I don't even know because I am so out of my element.

So it probably is logic..

I'm surprised at myself that I didn't reach out this year.

2 years ago, I said to myself, "I'm not going to call him this year." but at 11:58 PM, 2 minutes away from his birthday being over, I had an out of body experience and dialed his number (I still don't know how it happened. I think I blacked out). When I heard his voice, I think I went into SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), and after I found the courage to utter "happy birthday", we talked for a while and of course he said, "Riddhi, I miss you.." (I died of happiness inside and also due to the untreated heart arrhythmia, but tried to be a cool cat about it instead of professing my love).

Last year? Same thing. Except he didn't pick up... or call me back. So I just texted him.

This year, I told myself I wouldn't call him. I didn't cave. For the first time. I think I finally grew up.

I remember a lot of details about our relationship, which maybe I've even romanticized a bit since it's been so long that things ended. But looking back I can't remember how many times I've ugly scream-cried alone in my room or in the corner of a coffee shop; or how many hours I've spent staring at a wall, like there's an actual screen playing flashbacks of moments we spent together, good and bad (of course with the most depressing pop or r&b song playing in the background).

I can't even remember the things we used to fight about. I remember most of the good things like:

- how he'd come knock at my door in my freshman dorm to say good night before he went to sleep every night

- how he'd drive me to school at 3 AM to pick up tampons because I JUST got my period and ran out when we lived together off campus

- how he used to love that my hand would naturally move towards his neck to give him a little head scratch while he was driving us somewhere

- how we used to share so many intimate details of our lives, and feel a little closer every time

- how he used to listen to me vent about the same, stupid college girl drama over and over (and would get tired of it and yell at me, but would listen again the next day anyway)

- how he taught me not to care about what others think of me (I wouldn't say that I truly don't care of what others think of me, but I care much less than I did in college)

- how he knew me to my core and still stuck with me (....until he couldn't, I guess)

These are only some of the things, of a long relationship of ups and downs, that was by no means perfect or even really stable. I definitely overreacted from time to time; he didn’t really communicate too well. But most importantly, I can really only think of the positive things now. I no longer find myself thinking of all the things we did wrong, or all the things that made me want to hate him so badly after the way things ended. I no longer find myself recalling all the things he said and did that broke my heart. I no longer find myself asking, "What if I did this.." or "If only I said that...". I'm not even indifferent to the situation.

As much as I'm reminded of him, things about our relationship become fuzzier every day. Now a lot of it is just a faint memory.

So check this: "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade..."

I used to read this quote over and over, as I drank straight from a bottle of Malbec (No to Chardonnay, always No to Chardonnay) and recited Kate Winslet's lines from my favorite chick flick, "The Holiday”. Fun fact: I have that entire monologue and many more memorized.. After reciting it today, I realized I went through all the phases she went through. I did the whole "Why me?", "How could someone do this to me?”; I did the haircuts, the ridiculous number of glasses of wine and weekly to monthly interventions with my sorority sisters and closest girl friends. I did the whole falling asleep every night hoping to wake up to a text from him, or even showing up at my door saying “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake.” I even went on an “Eat Pray Love”-esque trip to Europe with my best friend.... Over time (years) I slowly stopped asking myself "What if". I stopped asking myself, "Why me?" I stopped praying that he’d tell me “how incredible” I am and how much I’ll always mean to him. Most importantly, I finally lost hope, and I think I just let him go.

What did I learn from all of this? 

To give myself time. I know what you’re thinking - that’s the last thing I wanted to hear - and you probably won’t listen to me; and that is completely okay. Why? Because I did the same thing. I hated when people told me I “just need time”. What kind of advice is that. Okay Confucius. Thanks, what a simple yet cryptic statement. Is that time in seconds, days, light years? What does that even mean? I didn’t realize I needed time.... until I had time. A lot of it.

What did I learn from all the time I had?

Let myself embrace every single phase of emotions. I stopped trying to suppress them. I’d just ride out the phase.

I wanted to try to be angry and hate him. Fine. I tried until I realized I couldn't be mad anymore. I wanted to play the victim. That was ok,  until I got tired of feeling like one. I tried to overcompensate for how low I felt by pretending my life was absolutely perfect. That was cool too - until I was exhausted from covering up my reality.  We don’t listen to our friends and family because we have to experience it all ourselves. It’s a part of the damn process.

I truly believe that experiencing each phase (some may have more or less than I did) and fully embracing every emotion is what brought me to this point today.

By "this point" I mean:

1) I have come to terms with the entire situation.

2) I truly appreciate all the feelings I’ve felt and expressed.

3) I think three times before I let any guy into my life.

4) I no longer want anything from him - not his time, or an apology.

5) I'm more appreciative of the people in my life who love me and would walk to Earth's ends to protect me and my happiness

6) I'm stronger.

If you asked me a year ago if I could ever love someone so much again, I'd probably say "No. I will never put myself in that type of situation again". But now I disagree with year-ago me.

If I could do it all over again... like start from the beginning, “Hi. I’m Riddhi, it’s really nice to meet you” kinda thing... I would - regardless of the chance of heart break. I’d tread carefully, but if he’s worth it - yeah I would start all over. I've grown up in so many ways, have become insanely independent throughout med school, truly cognizant of my actions, how they impact others, and how I deserve to be treated in return. If I've learned something, it's that the only way to truly live life is by loving others. So I say: Love SO damn hard -- because when it was reciprocated by the one I loved, I think it was the closest thing to feeling magic.

Maybe that’s why I held on for so long? Maybe that’s why a lot of us hold on - because magic so rare; Sometimes you don’t even notice it, and when it’s there it’s impossible to describe but your heart just feels so full. I didn’t have hope a year ago, but now I do. I have hope that I’ll experience magic again one day. 

I realized I came to all these conclusions because I thought about it logically (minus the magic part - but I believe in Harry Potter, so magic is definitely real). Although this post is entirely about emotions, I logically dissected why I felt certain ways, how I overcame each phase.. and everything finally makes sense. I slowly started coming to these conclusions months and months ago, but with how crazy my life has been as a medical student, I haven’t had time to think about my personal life or process anything going on that’s outside of school or my immediate family/friends. Sometimes we have to take a step back, even years after the inciting event, to pick up the pieces and understand why we went through what we did in order to move forward. Maybe this is the closure I needed all along.

Tonight I hope to sleep so well and wake up as a new woman. A new woman who has finally and fully healed after all these phases, all these emotions, all these years. The crazy thing is, I’ll wake up in 4 hours to go see patients in the nursing home, and in my mind it’ll be like I never had any of these thoughts. I won’t be thinking about my past. I won’t be thinking about MY feelings. VINDICATE will be running through my mind; I’ll be coming up with differential diagnoses, conversing with my patients and letting them know I’m fully present just for them - because that’s what we do in medicine. We think logically; and we block out emotions that may compromise our judgment. I couldn’t always do that before, and the fact that I can now is something I love about myself.

Happy 25th Birthday, Previous Boyfriend. Quarter century.. can’t believe you’re SO old! I hope you had a great day and got to share it with the people you love.

^That doesn't count as a real wish, I didn't actually say it TO him. It's just a sentimental thing.

Trust me. I truly am over it.

Sweet dreams.

[rdesai]

Happily Ever After?

With the soundtrack of Beauty and the Beast playing on repeat, looking out at the cold, frozen streets of Downtown Portland, all I can wonder is will I ever have the time to transform a beast? Let alone meet a beast? Most girls grow up wanting to be a princess, or at least have a fairy tale love that every Disney princess has had even if she's too afraid to admit it. I've wanted that my whole life: maybe not to the extent of having a man carefully slide a glass slipper onto my foot, but maybe a man gliding Louboutins onto my feet would be nice; Maybe not dancing around with a bunch of talking forest animals (and dwarves) who help me tidy up a home in the middle of nowhere while waiting for my prince charming - because let's be real, no one wants Rabies or Lyme disease. Maybe not a forbidden love like Pocahontas or Ariel - no one actually wishes for a love that has to battle through ridiculous challenges against all odds. But I mean, if I do find a guy as brilliant as John Smith or as beautiful as Prince Eric.... it may be worth the fight (Just kidding, it's gotta be a Hindu dude). We don't want to go through the painful process, we really just want what every princess has in the end - The Happily Ever After.

Let's face it: Is that ever a reality? I'm a 24 year-old, single, 1st generation Indian, 2nd year medical student living in Maine. How stereotypical (minus the living in Maine part). We all have various obstacles in the way, keeping us from reaching our end goals or our "Happily Ever After". Maybe it's just not good timing (Hate hearing that). Perhaps you're just in the wrong place (Seriously? Can't do anything about that right now). Everything happens for a reason, it'll fall into place (Generally a true believer of that, but who ever understands that BEFORE something good actually comes from something that shattered your world?)

"Shattered your world" - Sorry, that was a little dramatic. Fun fact: I'M dramatic. I'm supposed to be studying for the boards because I take them in 6 months and 8 days, but of course at times we need to concentrate the most is when all these ridiculous, unnecessary thoughts about the future and happiness start to rush through my limbic system and nucleus accumbens. So I hope to use this as my way of processing and understanding what's going on inside my head, based on my experiences in medical school and my personal life.

Almost every day is a "crazy" day. Define "crazy" day? A day where I express more than one emotion. Something always happens. I've had so many incredible experiences in medical school - big and small, good and bad. It's tough to take it all in and make sense of what's going on between books, lecture, meeting patients, having clinical experiences I never thought I would have - some that I can't wrap my head around, some that make me cry, some that make me feel defeated, and some that make me smile because I know I'm doing something right. With having to focus hard on not only the symptoms, but what's causing them (bacterial, viral, fungal, drugs, stress, family history, life style, VINDICATE [1])? How will they progress? Will it change the patient's daily activities? Will he die tomorrow, or is he going to survive? Is it going to change the way he interacts with others? Is it going to change HIS perspective on life? What IS life anyway? What IS "Happily Ever After"?

Who knows.

Welcome to my brain.

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[1] VINDICATE is used in medicine to create differential diagnoses based on a patient’s symptoms, history and physical exam. The mnemonic stands for Vascular, Idiopathic, Neoplastic, Degenerative, Inflammatory, Congenital, Autoimmune, Trauma/Toxins, Endocrine. As students, we list VINDICATE vertically, and next to each category write potential diagnoses to consider for the patient.