read-me-red

[read-me-red]

2017

Here we are again. And I'm so close to not writing anything so I'm going to skip the long introduction and just get to it.

2017:

I started the year off with my favorite people- my nouns- in Merida, Yucatan Mexico.

I found my "teacher voice" teaching some incredible 2nd graders at Shepardson STEM elementary in Fort Collins. They are incredible, funny, intelligent little humans and they taught me so much about teaching.

fucking Trump caused the earth to shake a little bit.

I participated in the Women's march in Denver to show everyone that I "Give a Damn" about intersectional feminism, advocacy, and human rights.

I watched the sun rise

I drank good coffee

I embarked on my last CSU alt break to Charleston, SC to learn from some incredible young people about the importance of family, support, fun, and education.

There, I fell playing kickball (but made it to 3rd base); I hugged some giant trees, I fell in love with that Charleston rain.

I also tried to get myself to cry at the beach because I hadn't been able to cry for months…it didn't happen here- even with being in the middle of the world.

I said "goodbye" to one of the best jobs I think I will ever have being coordinator of alt breaks. I handed off the torch this year… it was hard.

I saw Betty Who live…FINALLY.

ummm I graduated college…woah. And felt so incredibly loved by all the festivities.

I said yes to a leap of faith and accepted a job in Henderson, Nevada.

Headed to California with the family. Hit the beach, hit Knottsberry Farm (will never forget mom getting in a fight with a teenage asshole), and DISNEY! :)

Went to Rails and Ales. :)

Tasted some rocking whiskey.

Worked at Bethlehem ELC summer camp and yawned a lot, stood by the bathroom a lot, laughed a lot, and met some awesome kiddos.

Watched the Rockies game from Row 4 and was on TV….pretty monumental.

Packed up a Pensky truck and drove to a new "home" in Las Vegas, Nevada. Good drive with mom and dad who helped me set it all uo.

Started a new, messy, scary adventure with 25 incredible 5 year olds. #GoKindergarten

Found some Nevada mountains finally.

Found hope in new sunrises and sunsets blended with city lights.

CRIED. A LOT. STILL CRYING.

Said goodbye to my childhood home. Still dealing with this one.

Prayed and hoped for new beginnings with a family now separated all across the plains. #MontanaBound

Hiked Red Rock Canyon

welcomed Vegas Visitors

found a tiny christmas tree to maintain as much tradition as possible in such a wild and unsteady year.

I don't think this list quite describes everything I'm feeling about 2017. I moved out of fort collins, then out of Colorado, and then a big chunk of my support system in Colorado picked up and moved to Montana in a super quick fire and whirlwind.

A new home, a new job, and things back home out of my control- 2017 rocked by world a bit. Everything I knew kinda got shaken up.

But I have no regrets. And I'm trying to be an adult. And I'm half way through my first year of teaching. And it's no joke. This is fucking hard. Life is fucking hard and the universe doesn't give two shits about us. But God does, and people in this world do. And as much as it always feels sinking- it's nice to look back at a list of happy things. And this one was longer than I expected which is great.

I want to find it this year. Find the good. Find the groove. Find the stars in the city. Keep the chill and kick the apathy. :)

Here we go.

[read-me-red]

2016

2016 made me nervous. 2016 made me think. 2016 made me try.

I've been nervous to sit down and look at the past 12 months, even stopping to consider all the benefits of not doing it all, fully fueling in myself the idea that time is a social construct. However, while I may not believe in time the way it works in this world, I most certainly believe in tradition- and this has somehow become one. I feel like I remember the last years, thinking back to the previous January and blissfully reminiscing all of the wonderful moments, growth, and memories I experienced. But this one…it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't know if I could fill a page, or half, with realizations and happiness of the year. I knew I did things, but it didn’t seem as easy for some reason. 

But if this is here, out in the odd cyber universe, it means I must have found something... some small and lovely trickle of life that was worth all the confusion. And I do still believe it does me some good. So here we are.

This year I…

Did a lot of self work on my intersectional identities and how I impact others (starting with Campus Step up last January)

Took a winter train to the mountains. Realized trains are a way to go back to something simple, and beautiful, and raw.

baked cookies

Discovered that this new group of friends I found might just stick around a while.

Planed a service-learning trip to Atlanta on napkins.

Went to Atlanta. Worked with the International Rescue Committee acclimating refugees to a new, intimidating life in the states. Humanizing. Humanizing. Humanizing.

Went tubing

Took a wack at homemade cinnamon rolls- and boy did that go well.

Had basically the perfect snow day. Pizza. Beer. Movies. Naps. Cuddle-Puddles.

Saw Justin Bieber in concert. I feel no shame. It was incredible. *Sidenote: I think large, embarrassing events are much more fun past the teen years when you don't care any bit what people will think about your dancing.*

Hugged some trees.

Took some hikes.

Saw sunrises. Saw sunsets.

Saw people graduate. Saw people move away.

lost some balance in my life. Am still trying to figure out how to get it back.

Learned that I really like finger painting.

Watched a donkey race- it's a thing.

Cliff jumped in Colorado.

Pool jumped in Nevada.

Road tripped in New Mexico.

Spent the summer visiting cows at the farm.

Gathered with a bunch of beautiful people romping around Denver for an alt break amazing race fundraiser.

Embraced the sipping of quality whiskey.

took a couple steps back in self-care land.

Found a home on wavy Pingree roads.

Saw some rainy day hot air balloons with friends.

Questioned everything.

Felt undeniable change in my bones. Felt overwhelmed by it. Cried. Cried some more. Stopped crying (for better or for worse). Carried on.

Felt so much hope. Felt so much anger and disappointment. Felt so much hope again.

Finally went back to New Orleans- fueling my heart.

Fell in love with some sassy second graders.

Got surprised for my birthday- was overwhelmed by love.

Cut my hair.

Saw a best friends second home in Merida, Mexico. Ate a lot of food, saw a lot of things, loved a lot of people.

In all honestly, I felt a bit stuck this year. In my own head. In my life. In the world. I am one of those flower plants that I can never remember the name of. You water them with ice cubes every once in a while. They bloom beautiful, purple flowers. And then they the flowers go away, and just when you think about throwing it out, you put in a few more cubes, wait just a little longer, and it blooms again- as if nothing had happened. This year, I felt a bit like I was at the point of flowerless plant, watering, watering, and watching the chaos unfold in front me, hoping I would soon enough pop back out into reality and join it all again. 2016 was the year of watering a "dead" plant.

But just because I wasn't flowering, doesn't mean I wasn't working, and moving, and progressing. Every moment is one step closer to the next bloom.

And I can't ever say that this year wasn't worth it. Because as much as it felt like I wasn't moving monumental mountains, or scaling new emotional feats, I was still there. I was still living. Each of those little bullet points means everything, represents so much love in this world. So much. Sure, I forgot to feed myself ice cubes from time to time, but remembered within enough. I was here, trying to swim through mud- pretty successfully swimming through the mud. And that's more than just something. I have so much at my fingertips. And I'm ready to remember how to reach for it.

I have nothing but hope that 2017 will be a year of blooming- at least for me- but I think for a lot of other things too.

They can't all be perfect. They can't all be near-perfect. And sometimes they make so little sense that I have to use extensive metaphors just to put some tangible meaning to it all. And I think that's the point. I've always tried to get people to let me be both sides of a contradiction. So here I am, being both. And as much as I am scared- I am really excited about the next 12 months. Jump on in. And thank you for loving me through the confusion. I love you right back. And I love this life. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

In the summer            the air is unlike anything else.  crisp.            light in the morning and           heavy at midday. 

it falls on your just woken skin- glides on by.  and then it sticks to your afternoon beer. 

it fades through late evening like a night on the beach. 

summer air is always ocean air-  “wish I had brought a jacket” air-  “kiss me until i’m warm again” air-  “your hands feel like stardust” air- 

stardust and sweat.  mud pile memories of today,  i don’t regret a thing. 

i’ll wake up middle of the night- frustrated-piled in a sticky mess.  but at least i’m alive. 

i’m alive and its messy.  i’m alive and its summer.  i’m alive and it’s you. 

and when i have to cut through the air,  stifling summer with an axe,            i’ll still want to be covered with a blanket. 

          i’ll still be dreaming of fall.                 wishing i could take one at a time- 

          slow sip- cold coffee over ice outside our front door it all goes way too fast. 

soft, molasses July air slows it down.            “stand still” it says.            “keep right” it says.            “find peace”

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

This is how we live

This is it.  This is how we live.  Between breakfast on the kitchen table and taking the car in.  Between sleepy eyes and closing them to feel your body more.  Between giving birth, and making coffee,  making love, and giving thank you cards.  Between blue ink and strawberry candles. 

This is it.  This is how we live.  Between fighting war, and fighting for shotgun.  Between crosswalk buttons and “I love you, goodnight”s. 

We live between green ring fingers, and not-so-green grass.  Between visits with grandma, and crying that she may be gone soon. 

We live.  here between snow days and fixing broken bikes.  between “this is what I want” and “please help me”. 

This is it.  This is how we live.  Between worn down boots laced up one more time to that one last dump of snow before spring. 

Between 50 door fames that we pass through, and every “hey, how are you, though?”  Between trying to make it better- and smiling anyway. 

We live.  between missing the past  and planting flowers.  between getting up for work and “okay, one drink.” 

This is it.  This is life.  Between the pages, the marks, the stains.  I am living between it all. 

This. Is. It. 

This is how we live. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

it’s not as easy as it may seem-           making this body- this           mind a home.  we do not come with 4x4s and power tools.  at least i didn’t. 

it’s taken nights of sweating,  and slick, laughing bodies-            bound together with no common string. 

it’s taken mornings of soft light,  crumpled paper scattered across the floor. 

it’s taken borrowed tool boxes that i’ll have to mold and return. 

it takes tonights when all i can do is shaking with anxiety shut out all but me-            drown in this water.            the only part of me thats always been here. 

i’m trying to build.  and to build i must break.            i know this too well. 

and as much as you build, you lend me your hammer -            sometimes it slips and nails me to the floor. 

i’m trying to build this body as a home for me.  what delicate, unstoppable, fragrant house.  to crash on top because i refuse the blueprint. 

———————

i don’t know whats happening.  I don’t have a trajectory- a compass, a ladder, nothing. 

how is it possible that in a life crammed with people who love me i can still feel alone-            like they are all standing                 5 yards away                 surrounding this body            watching me            breathlessly try to hold up all the walls-  in a sound proof dome where no one can hear           the screaming tears hitting brand new wood. 

but i have land to build on  i have two hands and a heart growing gold.  nothing sold.  whisper fire.  sink in fold. 

—————————

i act like it’s enough.  tell you            “look at me. i’m fine”.  and its not untrue.  But that doesn’t mean its always. 

i want diamonds and dance halls.  and maybe not 8 but 1 hands-free dinner.  you have it all and you don’t even know. 

and I act like I don’t care. because im fine. 

—————-

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

2015

It was 12 months (which feels like nothing) of listening, speaking, trusting, trying and movement. A year of too much to handle, and not enough to capture.

This year I:

Went to the aquarium….twice.

Followed a now-anual ice skating trip with people I've seen grow all our lives.

ate lots of cinnamon rolls (never enough though)

basked in winter sunlight.

made lots of brownies, cookies, and cakes. #sundaybakingwithsandy   it's a stress relief, okay?

tried a bunch of new coffee shops

wrote in the park

went to parties... and put full use to my "Cinderella approach" in going to them- out by midnight, ya'll. This introvert can only handle so much party. …they can be really fun though (especially when I'm wearing snapbacks with Rachel Taylor)

enjoyed monthly sunsets at horsetooth with Kylara Jane

Walked to school every day. sun, rain, snow, wind, music, silence, together, and solo

painted pottery

Saw Milo Greene in Concert (and only remembered a little bit of the actual music. But what I felt in my soul was more than whiskey)

Listened to Shiza Shahid speak about women and education.

Set off on a journey leading 9 incredible students to New Orleans to dig deeper than any of us ever had before.

Here I listened to street performers with dreamy eyes, wore tyvek suits and masks, tore out a bathtub and a air conditioning system, sorted through millions of mardi gras beads, listened to stories of disaster and resilience, fell in love with a city, a home, and people. (oh and ate a $50 dinner).

Learned how to collaborate with, love, trust, and open up.

Had probably the best Easter ever with my family.

Bought a bunch of mugs

made my own granola

Closed out a gay club dancing my little heart out.

Got 3 new tattoos.

Decided I don't have to hide panic attacks- my people have proven to be more than helpful.

Got way too drunk off champagne and tried to climb a fence.

Went to CSU's LeaderShape and learned about amazing people with visions for making the world a better place; and how I can do the same.

Moved out of college apartment #1, moved into apartment #2 for two brief summer months with wild, unlikely friends. :)

played cards, drank beer, and ate a lot of taco bell (not without regret)

Went to see some of my favorite people in Las Vegas.

Went on hikes- took deep breaths of mountain air.

Played 4-square

Hopped around Salt Lake City, Utah with my fam- the weekend warriors.

Went to Antelope Island- saw a shit ton of buffalo, a beautiful 4am sunrise, and the glow of my wonderful family.

Saw Lord Huron live- dear lord the beauty.

Moved into college apartment #3 with two of my best women!

Rejected the societal norm of wearing pants. not gonna do it.

Went to the drive-in.

Started a new job coordinating a service program that I'm absolutely in love with.

Climbed trees

Saw Ben Howard live.

Drove to Albuquerque to see the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta with an incredible friend.

Slept in a Walmart parking lot and then awed in the glory of a sky full of colors and balloons.

Won an intramural volleyball championship.

Made it onto the cover and content of a BuzzFeed article (Thanks Matt Bellassai)

Found chosen family in the arms of two people who stayed to cuddle when my mains were across the ocean. I'm glad we were all pushed together. :)

Made a site leader dance to a Justin Bieber song

Fell in love with Justin Bieber again.

Turned 21…experienced the 21 scene…then crept right back to 80. :) (felt so loved) (Had my first surprise party!!)

Made a Christmas roommate music video

realized what friendship is. and what I deserve.

rejected "moving on" and continued to "move forward."

Cried…a lot.

Laughed…even more.

and continued to lay in the wonder of this inexplicable life I've been given. I never expected to learn so much and be so confident that I'm nowhere near done. And it's the coolest, scariest, best feeling. If you've been any part of it- even just a one-time hello; thank you. You've helped build this.

[read-me-red]

21

and now im 21. laying in the bed of college apartment #2 just as clueless as ever.  blissfully unaware tragically perceptive unbelievably in love with moments i probably won’t remember at 22.  waking up at 7am each morning to follow my feet more miles into the world.  hoping they’ll let me stay a little longer. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

it all hurts. it aches. it rips. it tears.            it builds           it sews           it glues           it mends           it grows. 

it’s here. it’s day by day rising and falling and it doesn’t stop for anyone.  it all bleeds. it pains. it bruises. it harms.            it sorts            it pulls           it patches           it fixates           it settles

it’s now. it’s yesterday and tomorrow and i’m terrified.  terrified of forgetting. of dropping the pieces of yesterday to catch the today’s and tomorrow’s coming at racing speeds toward my torn-up face. 

it’s all life.  it’s all there is  and it’s all we have.            and it’s not nothing.            it’s not less.            it’s everything and more. 

it’s this place.  and my place and your place my soul and your soul my mess and your mess all wrapped up in a ball of fire and ice- pain and bliss.            speeding through this thing they call time- 

just trying to stay awake for all it has to offer- hurt and all. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

you’re off on a journey           fly, baby, fly.  You’ve made me so proud. 

You deserve unanswered cities- “been through hell” towns.  They deserve you.  backpacks and bootstraps-  and bright doe-eyed stares that continue to see past skin. 

I’m off on a journey           breathe, baby, breathe. 

More in, rather than off.  I’m here at least for now. 

I deserve to be busy, filling spaces with all kinds of love. 

I’ll use my 5am’s to soak up three months of hugs and my 10pm’s to do everything else. 

And you’ll come back... but not because you have to. 

Because I only took three months and you want more. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

I feel like I’ve missed the innocent, naive love. Like maybe I know too much now. People always speak of young love- I had maybe a glimpse- and I think i still thought too much, I’ve seen too much, doubt too much, fear too much. I missed the fearless love. the one that comes from simply not knowing any better... but maybe I’ve always known better- had this feeling in my bones- that it was all bent on something more important than two arms to wrap around you at night and two thumbs to send back “okay”. Maybe I’ve always known too much, unable to see past how it all makes me feel. Maybe I’ve never been fearless and don’t want to be reckless.

And maybe I don’t have to be. Maybe I’m flipped around and will greet naive head-first in the water when it comes calling later- when I’m sick of saying “why”.

But saying “why” isn’t to be turned away. Only your story books say so. I won’t apologize for using my head and knowing my gut and saying “not now”. Maybe I haven’t missed out...maybe I have.

But maybe is okay. Maybe I don’t need it. Because I always knew.

But the harshest truth is the “maybe”. Because I’ll never know until I know.

I just hope the maybe is right.

[read-me-red]

I wonder if you think about me...the way I think about you. I wonder if you regret, or if you resent. I wonder if you check up on me, or if you don’t care at all. I wonder if you talk about me- worse than I talk about you. I know you don’t write about me- but I wonder if you did. I wonder where you’re going and wonder if I should ask. I wonder what you think of me now, and what you thought before. I wonder if you come across traces of me, and they make you feel sad. I do. I wonder if you cried the way I cried. I really don’t think you tried the way I do. I wonder if you would say sorry like I did, like I do, like I would, though I shouldn’t, I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

“Some days I’m the mess. Some days I’m the broom. On the hardest days...I have to be both”. 

[read-me-red]

I don’t get it either, babe. I’m so sorry. I know me being mad at him doesn’t help, but just know I am. You deserve something better. Something that won’t drop one-way bombs on you without a trace. You gave him so many second chances and he continued to take it all for granted. It’s not okay. It was flat out the wrong way to do it. And I’m sorry you got hit by his storm. Because you deserve the sun. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

in messy, drunk cursive.

these damn years go by so fast. 

and the wine slips slowly down my lips into the bottom barrel of my stomach with chocolate chip cookie being the only fainting cure. 

i don’t know how i feel. 

i’m sad that I fell away from a friend- phrased much too lightly. 

i feel frustrated that time is a force i will never get enough of- never understand. 

i feel good. 

and when did good become not good enough. 

when we use it as a base. 

good isn’t the minimum

its the goal. and it’s beyond drunken thoughts in an empty room that used to be home. 

good is hearing you say my name and one more drink even though i know it’s too many. 

good is “come get me” and “I’ll see you in the morning”. 

it’s crying over mystique and young life in aging bodies. 

it’s all at once wanting ALL and MORE, but being so ready for the nothing that will turn into everything. 

Good is two months with you because i’m young and why not? 

Good is thank God I’m stumbling and thank God I get to hug you tomorrow. 

and maybe its okay to build it all up- 20 years in my feet all to wait to stand in the empty-after rain street looking at you, waiting for me. 

Good is Good.  forget what you know. 

my light aired, heavy head knows-  when you surround it with good- good will come out. 

love will come forward with me. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

           I worry.        About worrying.           about loss.          about fear.         about waste. 

            but         with them.     chin deep in “yes”s     and warm hands,            i’m here     and confident, 

“I will become what I deserve”

-S.B

[read-me-red]

A cloudy night in April. 

french violin tunes circle through open windows. 

Fresh skin bounces between rooms under cotton and leftover chocolate.

so come to me. 

bring your electric hugs with a long deep breath. 

bring me your deep tunnel eyes and sun drenched skin. 

bring film photography and whispers about fantasy. 

bring your red wine dancing feet and coffee for the morning. 

bring a soft sleep shirt for kitchen counter conversations. 

bring me a candle and a kiss. 

leave your shoes at the door or don’t bring them at all. 

bring me love. 

i’ll take care of you. 

-S.B. 

[read-me-red]

But I don’t want small talk. Text me, and without saying hello, tell me why you got so angry at your sister this morning. Tell me why you have a scar shaped like Europe on the left side of your neck. Send me paragraphs about the time you spent at your grandmother’s house that one summer. Call me when I’m half asleep and tell me why you believe in God. Tell me about the first time you saw your dad cry. Go on for hours about things that may not seem important because I promise that I’ll be hanging on to every word you say. Tell me everything. I don’t want someone who just talks about the weather.

- endlessfreethrows  (via sat-narayan)