realpqdiary

[realpqdiary]

05/15/19

This was one of the greatest days i’ve had this year; probably one of the greatest days of my life

What a blessing to have experienced it. Hopefully i can remember everything tomorrow to write about it.

For now, I must rest. Training tomorrow am

[realpqdiary]

05/04/2019 - AN EPIPHANY

It’s currently 22:27 pm, I’m editing ate Joyce’s pregnancy photos and video, while watching an episode of Yes Theory where a 9 yr old followed what she wants to be when she grows up. The little girl chose to be a photographer for a day. A light bulb went off in my head...

I want to say that my life nowadays is inspired by my sister. Though she is no longer physically here, the memories of her and the epitome of who she was fuels me to be who I am now. SO, by November of 2019, instead of moping and being miserable about Paulette’s death, I want to celebrate her. 

While watching this episode of Yes Theory and simultaneously editing my work, I HAD A VISION!!

To “kickstart” by photography, videography career, I want to organize an art gallery in my garage - rent a whole bunch of walls to put up to make space for the art gallery, rent white translucent cloth materials, use the projector to play a movie i’ve made, while on the other side have about 100 of my photos printed and priced for $20 each (or more for donations). Have a donations box as well. We will also have live music, and a taco truck. Ask Michela to play? Have a mini bar. Then announce at the end that my own website and youtube video, facebook account, twitter, VSCO are all up online live!! 

[realpqdiary]

04/23/2019

00:23 am

Why hello, it has been a while. Hello present me, past me has been busy lately working on myself. 

Lately, I have been working out every other day, eating healthy and clean, counting calories and trying not to go out and do unhealthy things (ie: drinking, smoking, eating too much, etc). To be honest, I feel good. Although I have so much more weight to lose, I am feeling stronger and stronger everyday, and I have to understand that my goal weight and goal image isn’t something that will come as easy as it used to be when I was younger. Just like a jellyfish, I am going through this current of my life with as much effort as I can, but I can only go so far because the current will take me - so i’m letting it carry and direct me.

I have also been closing some chapters in my life. Okay, not necessarily my life, but important aspects of it that matter a lot to me. 

1. Love, career, etc:

I haven’t been focused on dating, or meeting up or hooking up with anyone lately. Like at all. Ever since I moved back home, I have somehow tunnel visioned into working on my own health, growth, and inner peace/happiness. This is truly amazing because I seriously have the hardest time focusing on one thing, as I am usually being pulled into 5 different directions and that distracts me on doing what I should be doing first. Don’t get me wrong, i still am being pulled into so many directions right now - being recruited constantly by ICU and ER and me denying it every time because i feel that i am not ready to take on a new role at this point of my life, Carolyn leaving for ICU and her wanting me to apply soon so we can work together again (and it’s taking every cell in me to stop myself from following her and follow my own path instead), my growing desire of being a videographer and that passion of wanting to keep improving my craft, or should I figure out how to start a business of some kind because I want to be my own boss. All these *good* things have me distracted enough to not want to date anyone. For the first time in a long time, I feel okay about being on my own. I feel like I am me again. Im learning real love, because I am growing and loving myself first before anyone. I know that in the future, when the right girl comes, I will be ready. I will be ready because I have worked on what I need to change, therefore I am my best self and I hope that she will be her best self too. What better love is there than two fulfilled people helping each other grow as individuals and as a couple. 

At 24 yrs old, maybe around March of 2019, I realized that Nursing, as much as I love it and have grown to be naturally good at it, is now just my backup plan. Now, I dont want to sound pretentious with my head above the clouds, but I say this with much conviction that I am meant for something else - something more fitting and natural for me. My parents sat me down one night after work. They told me that my aunt who is in her 50′s, is a millionaire and just retired, along with my smartest and most successful uncle talked to my dad about how they thought it was strange that I “settled” for nursing. They said that me as a person, my wholebeing, my personality, and the way I talk and carry myself does not scream NURSE. I asked my dad what they suggested I should have done, and they both said, “she needs to be her own boss”. I talked to Carolyn about this and she pitched an idea that maybe would not be so impossible in the future - but for now, I am still figuring it out. I do know that I am for sure meant to be something else. Should I touch on my creative side? my leadership side? my business side? I NEED TO BE DIRECTED. I want to know what to do next!! 

For now, I am going to continue working at SRH, working on my body, mind and soul. (OH and I have also paid off my almost 100K in Parent loans this month!!!! Thank you to Paulette, and my parents for a little bit of help. I aim to pay off my remaining student loan completely by August of 2020!! The only things left to pay are my parent’s and brother’s car and my car after all that.)

Note to self: keep going. You have surprised yourself tremendously this year, achieving things you did not know you could even reach. 

[realpqdiary]

03/24/19

00:54

Back to my goals this year. So far, doing okay.

I have been spending more time with family, being that I am home and i have just been settling, nesting, working, and being present with my family.

I also will intensify workouts again by going back to the Dojo with sifu in April and i hope this really jumpstarts my fitness journey. I bought nutrisystem and hopefully my body can adjust to this. 

I have been working on my mental health by avoiding things that I know are bad for me, such as smoking, drinking too much, being rough on myself. I am also doing my best to be more aware of my words, emotions, and actions. At work I noticed that I am more patient and kind to my patients and their family - i listen, i do my best to tend to their needs, save lives here and there. 

Speaking of work, I have been being actively recruited by ER and ICU. It’s been happening for a while, but it’s becoming more intense now. I really thought it was going to stop. But the other day, when I was running late (ironic hah), one of the ICU staff/break nurses and head of the nurses association union for my hospital goes, “Phoebe, right?” and I was shocked because I have never talked to this lady. She then said “i’ve heard so much about you. When are you coming to ICU?”. I was shocked lol that she even knew my name.

She then gave me her elevator pitch of why I should go to ICU, and pulled me to the break room to give me more details about ICU to convince me. She visited my unit the next day and asked again if I have decided yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I will leave my unit at some point. Right now though, there is soo much happening in my life and I feel like I am being pulled in 10 different directions. My gut feeling has always been very strong, and I feel like my life runs in different chapters...that being said, I feel that there is a very big chapter that’s about to start and I feel the need to be extra precautious about my next step. Here are the options that Im gravitating towards:

- ICU 

Pros: 

get to work with Carolyn

Get to work with new cases, learn SO many new things

Feel what detailed, real hardcore, intellectually challenging nursing is

I can get any job after being in ICU

Cons:

 Toxic coworkers

This can take a big toll on me, mentally and on my heart

- ER 

Pros:

I’ll experience what fast paced, hardcore, broad thinking nursing is

Will experience “movie -like” nursing

Cons:

I will be exposed to airborne diseases

i will have to work with children

- or Leave st rose

Pros:

Cons:

- or stay at my unit, and master videography for weddings

Pros:

Cons:

[realpqdiary]

03/19/19

02:57 am

*random thought: I have been going to sleep rather late nowadays. I have been working and getting late because of either the rough assignments, or I have been out late with carolyn and choose to go home after. The longs drives to work and back are starting to get to me, and i have to keep doing this until September. I can keep complaining but I would rather just keep going until I get to September. 

But tonight was different. As sleepy as I am writing this, i know I must write this down.This is what I will refer to in times that I want to remember how much my parents actually love their own children. 

My parents offered to pay my parent loans off, fully, by next month. With the help of their savings, my savings, and some compensation from my sister’s accident, we are able to put together enough money to pay off the biggest loans of our lives. I wondered what made my dad decide this, being that his initial plan was to pay off his own car loans first, and only give me a small sum of money. Then we both agreed that we would put all the amount to my fed loan and i’d pay the rest, AND pay both their cars off, while paying my student loan, and my own car loan.

I guess today I woke up and the first thing I said was, “Ama, i dont think we can go through the plan of putting all the compensation money into my parent loan. I can’t pay over 3K in loans a month. I wouldn’t even have money to spend to buy food. How am i ever gonna move out”. He didn’t say anything. He heard me though.

Tonight they came home from work, acting differently. Usually Ama would watch TV and blast the news or something, as him and ina both set up food for their midnight merienda. Tonight was different. They stayed in their room longer than usual, Ama never turned the tv on. I had to grab Prince in their room, and I saw them taking their time changing to home clothes, and it seemed like they were talking about something. I said, “you guys are being weird.”

A little while after, I went to the kitchen and Ama told me, “sit down. We have to talk”. My heart. dropped. It’s crazy that my initial reaction was, “did someone die?!”. I have really bad PTSD.

This time it was good news. My parents offered to give me not only the compensation money, but also their entire savings just so i can pay my parent loans. That with some of my savings, i will be off a loan!! 

(im falling asleep so i will finish this later. Here are topics i wanna discuss:)

- Carolyn and I talked until 3 am last night about everything: My finances, our connection, our plan of working at ICU or ER next, my “dark” side, her lack of response and effort at times, and me proposing that I will understand where she’s coming from in terms of being unable to always keep in touch as long as she makes me feel validated, important and loved at times. I told her im very sensitive, more so than i could ever show and she apologized for her lack of action, efforts, and that she was sorry for hurting me. Then we laughed about so many things. We cried, we talked about her life, her plans, my plans for this year and next, our plans for the future. We talked for so long and didnt notice til 3 am that we were the only ones left there. Everyone had left, and we never noticed til I had to stand up to use the bathroom. Sometimes I really do believe, this girl is my future wife. It’s just that now, we are good as friends. We are each other’s rock. Last night we both confessed that we didn’t want to lose each other. The other month she told me that when she first met me, “it was like I’ve known you for my whole life”.  I cant see myself sleeping with her though. But idk. 

-Talk about how thoughtful Ama is, and he actually pays attention in his own ways. He felt bad that I was worried about navient from what i just said. He noticed that my puppy likes to play and chew on things before he falls asleep. I never even noticed that. 

- Talk about how smart ina is. Neither me nor ama thought that we could just transfer the money directly to my account  and pay off my parent loan that way. 

- Talk about the 1mil house Ama sold in our property in the PI, even tho it was just worth 300K. Talk about how everything has worked out, and it seems it is because of our GOD!!

- Talk about them reminiscing on taking me, as a child, to the CFC meetings because I love the dinners/food. 

- Talk about them 

[realpqdiary]

03/24/2019

Hi, it’s been a while. 

I feel like so much has happened since I last journaled. I originally started journaling because my therapist suggested it and I thought it was a great idea once started. I haven’t seen my therapist for maybe a month, if not more, and that is a long time. I started to think that maybe I don’t need it. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Carolyn, which is actually initiated by her this time. It used to always be me who would ask first, but i don’t know. Ever since we talked til like 4 am at iHop (LOL oops), and we talked about her actions that really hurt me, things with us are different, much much better. 

I don’t know exactly why we’ve been spending so much time together. Maybe because she misses having me near her since I’ve moved back home with family? Or maybe she’s just bored and needs company. Im sure it’s the latter.

Anyway, spending so much time with her is never really boring. Her and I have a connection that I don’t have with anyone else...and i have very deep connections with a LOT of people. She’s definitely special. It could be because our love language is the same, communication being one of the most important. We also have the same sense of humor, which elevates the connection even more. But anyway.

She said something that really hit me so deeply the other night. She said that I should delve deeper into myself. 

1) I have such a big fear of people leaving. Just the thought of someone I love deeply leaving suddenly terrifies me - this applies with friends (ie: Kristel going to ER, Carolyn possibly going to ICU, joyce not being at work bec she’s pregnant, my work family separating and not being around each other too much since I’ve moved back home to Oakley and laureanne moved to LA)

2) Trust issues. In general. I have a hard time believing what people tell me verbally. 

3) Dating - I have been trying sooo hard to date. As much as I want to get back there, it freaking TERRIFIES me. I think it’s so hard for me to do so because I plant my roots so deeply in people, and whoever I invest my time to is someone that I expect to have in my life for a long time. And I feel like dating is so pointless because I just don’t know how long they will stay in my life for. I mean my ex, whom I thought was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, is not even in my life at all. I don’t even actively think of her now. However, Carolyn thinks that a lot of my issues (the fear of people suddenly leaving, trust issues/not being able to trust what people tell me, and the fear of giving my heart to someone who will just break it/or to someone who will make it seem like they willl stay for a long time and wake up one day and decide they just want to leave without providing me a solid reason), are all rooted from my ex girlfriend.

I definitely did not like the sound of this, and i actually started crying when Carolyn said this observation. I trust what she tells me because I honestly think that she knows me better, if not just as much as the bestfriends i’ve had for 7 years. 

So yea, I need to go back to therapy to fix these issues. I don’t know if my issues are necessarily from my ex per se, being that it could have been literally anyone that gave me this issues. or idk. She was a nice person, we were just a toxic combination. And now i’m left with these issues that I just have to deal with so that I can become a better wholesome person, a better lover to someone special. 

I know it’s been years since i was in a relationship, but I will take my time this time around. I will take as long as it takes to decide to commit to someone, and when I do, it’s because I know she’s special, she is worth everything I have got to offer, and she will understand me better than i do myself, and love me better than anyone i have ever known.

I WANT TO LOVE A GIRL AGAIN, I want to believe, to trust, and to not be afraid of change and of people suddenly leaving. 

[realpqdiary]

03/13/19

22:40

Today was my day off.

First, i had my 6K (more like 7K) appt with Subaru which took FIVEver, but whatever. At least my car feels safer to drive. Also found out that my car got rear ended and that’s why the bumper of the car got scraped and slightly got dislocated. At least everything was fine, but still. It made me uncomfortable knowing that there are people out there who will not leave a note once they have fucked up your car. Again this contributes to my fear of people, or things “leaving”. I worked on the wedding video as I waited for them to finish the maintenance, then ran into Sam which was nice but a liiiitle bit awkward (lol). Idk why he’s so awkward around me. Is it me? what am i doing wrong lol. I’m aiming to have the wedding video done by the end of this month and I think i can actually get that done!!!

Then i went home and made lunch for my mama and I. We ate out in our backyard/garden, and it was so sunny and beautiful. Im glad she was able to eat something healthy and be out in the sunlight. I then took Prince to the dog park where he made friends with a dog for the first time!! I hope I can train him to stop barking at people and other dogs though because it is sooo obnoxious.

I then went to my brother’s choir concert with my mom. My mom is now post op day 2 of her laparoscopic cholecystectomy, and she’s doing great. Im really glad her surgery went well. At first she was anxious about coming to the concert with me because she was afraid she’ll be in pain, but with encouragement and support, she went and actually had a good time. We then had dinner together (wingstopp) and watched the bachelor together. 

I do want to say, that during that choir/band concert, I could not help but think about Carolyn. I dont know why she’s the first person I think about when I find something funny, or random. Like there were countless of times that I was laughing to myself after seeing or hearing something, and I caught myself thinking “man, I wish Carolyn was here laughing with me or seeing this with me”. I don’t know if it’s just infatuation, it probably is, but still. It bugs me that it has to be her. Still contemplating whether or not I need space from this girl. But, after the other night, I realized that trying to get space from her might be impossible because we need each other so much. On top of that, we see each other at work and we cant help but be drawn to each other. I’m starting to hate it. I want to have this connection with someone who is........appropriate for me. I don’t want her. But for some reason, we keep being drawn back into each other. W H YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Watching this season of the Bachelor gave me all kinds of feels. I realized after trying to date different people, that dating really is NOT.FOR.ME. Ugh. I mean, how much easier would my love life be if i was just like everyone else, meet with someone from a dating app and find myself to fall in love with them. But i just can’t. I know now that I really am okay with being on my own, and by God’s grace lol, someone will come my way. Someone who isn’t who i expected, but better. Someone who i didn’t know I needed, but will open my eyes to new things, new experience, new perspective. I have what seems like an endless list of my “criteria” that I look for in a girl, but. At this point, I have to trust in Him and know that He has a plan. Besides, at this point in my life, I really do feel happy, content, at peace with myself and my progress ~ I am healing, I am growing, I am producing a better version of myself just like I had planned. 

Note to self: I am not the dating type, so when I commit next, just know that that person is without a doubt, the definition of the word “special”. I cannot wait to meet her one day. But i hope she fights for me on days that I cannot even fight for myself. I want to be with someone who is not only sure of herself, but is also sure of us.

On a different note, I hate to talk about this, but I feel very anxious that I will get stuck at St. Rose. After Carolyn got offered the ICU position that we wanted her to get, they revoked it because of her bad attendance. I mean, VTLOs are there for a reason, and they held it against her. I dont think it’s fair at all, and i think that my manager is on edge about the j ac ho being at our hospital and staff leaving all at once, and took it out on Carolyn. She deserves that ICU position. But then again, it may just be that there is a different path for her to follow. ANYWAY, I feel like i will get stuck there because I also VTLO a lottt, and a big part of that is my mental health. Im getting tired and sleepy so im not gonna go into detail, but I am mourning, i am growing, i am creating continuously. So when I VTLO, it is because I am dealing with my emotions, and/or doing my plans. I just feel like everyone at work doesn’t understand that being a nurse isn’t the only i want to be. I dont want to be like them, where they just wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat. 

I WANT TO DO MORE. I WANT TO BE MORE. I WANT TO GROW, TO EXPAND, TO EXPERIENCE MORE.

[realpqdiary]

03/08/19

11:30 am

Had a phone appt with Sifu Dennis regarding going back to the dojo and my goal of getting fit/losing weight. I start April 1st, with a goal of losing 10 lbs per month. I hope I can stay focus with the regimen. I know that the biggest challenge will be to watch my diet, which is really only difficult due to the idea that I will starve. I just have to remind myself that I will be fine, that it is all mental.

On a brighter note, I have been working out everyday, except for today because I really am too sore to even bend my body. Today, I had brunch with my parents, which is becoming a daily routine now. I appreciate having moments like this with my parents, because I promised myself that I will spend more quality time with them and my brother as well. Usually, i would work out after brunch with them. This time, I changed it up and did something good for the mind/soul. I have been working on the physical and emotional aspect so much that I felt the need to do something good for the soul.

So i sat outside in our backyard - the sun was finally out and shining bright, which is so therapeutic since it has been raining so much lately. Even though it was soo windy and chilly out, I somehow did not get too bothered by it. I really really love the sun. I watched Prince play in the backyard, and he reminds me of me haha. Puppers lovess exploring, and it was so nice to see that he loves our new home as much as I do too. I started reading a book called “The Little Book of Wisdom”, and to be honest, it hit some very important topics that I didn’t know I needed to hear. This in itself is a blessing. 

The following points being:

- To love “unconditionally”. I am learning to improve myself as a person, and who I am is the definition of “love”. I used to love with conditions - i can only care for and love someone if they meet my rules, my expectations. But I have gradually learned in the past 2 years, especially last year and this current year, that I need to love unconditionally - to accept people, or a specific person the way they are, to let them blossom and feel comfortable in my hands, my presence, to avoid controlling them, to avoid constricting them with my rules of what I thought love to be. I cannot wait to apply this and see if I actually have learned to love differently, unconditionally this time. Of course, keeping in mind that I am human afterall - that I will feel pain, that I will feel used, but if i keep an open communication and trust that things happen for a reason, I will be just fine. I will find true love.

I have to go to work soon. I feel a bit anxious about seeing Carolyn because I asked for space. I felt taken for granted, used, ignored. But I know what to say this time, and I dont want to make her feel bad. I love her, i want to learn to love her unconditionally. But maybe just as a friend this time. Because I know now that i need and want someone who knows to love me. 

Oh dear soulmate, where are you?

[realpqdiary]

03/04/19

23:22

Today’s my day off and was pretty much unproductive. I had so many things planned, but instead i only did taxes. I started to feel annoyed at myself for being and feeling “lazy” but i have to remind myself that usually i am a pretty productive person and it is OKAy to have days like these. I need to just continuously remind myself to be kind to myself, in order to achieve inner peace and growth.

Tonight I ordered sushi and watched the Bachelor. It kinda scared me that I had to give 1 star for my doordash order because they just left the food out on the floor, without calling me first or ringing the door bell, AND 5/6 items were the wrong food. I hope my giving 1 star to the dasher will not bite me in the ass. I feel like this is a valid response given that I too, work in a field where people need to constantly be treated with utmost respect no matter the situation. 

Back to the Bachelor. Paulette really was the one who got me so into watching this show. Throughout the years, I’ve found myself being more and more invested in this show especially now. Part of it being that it reminds me of my sister, and everytime I watch an episode, I like to pretend that she’s watching it with me. It’s weird, but it’s one of the few things that keep me feel close to her, and keep our memories alive. 

There is another reason why I enjoy this show, especially this season so much. (Other than the fact that Cassie is absolutely stunning and charming as hell), I take mental notes of how I should go about my next relationship.

I definitely have not been in love since my last relationship. There has been 4-5 different people that have caught my attention, each one special in their own way, but I just could not find myself able to “love” anyve them. 

LOVE. This word is the center of my entire life. It is the word that wakes my soul up everyday, it is the word that inspires me. “Love” is simultaneously my ultimate dream and my absolute #1 fear. In the Bachelor, Cassie took her time unlike the other girls to say that she was falling in love with Colton. Cassie was careful, cautious, picky, attentive, yet genuine in her intentions, and loves with her whole heart. Cassie also knows she does not want to settle for less. Cassie’s dad on the show said these words: “Marriage is the second most important commitment to me, after my commitment to God”. THAT HIT ME so deep in my soul. 

First, I realized that Cassie being so cautious with the words “falling in love”, being incredibly self aware and understanding of her own emotions and actions, along with knowing that she does not want to settle if she does not feel 100% about the other person is exactly HOW i need to be in terms of my future romantic commitment. I have grown so much, it blows my mind, in the past 2 years. Along with this growth comes a new definition of “love” to me now, as love, just like life, is unpredictable, dynamic, and a never ending journey of growth. 

What im trying to say is this — I will not settle until I have found the one for me. Even if it takes time. The next time I really fall in love, will be beyond what I can even understand and dream of at this point in time. It will be better than what I can ever expect. The next time I love someone, it will be grand, it will be tender, it will be understanding, filled with laughter and growth. It will be all inclusive, patient, kind, forgiving, dynamic, colorful, and a once in a lifetime experience. 

The next time I give myself to another girl, I will give her the best version of me, while giving her an environment that allows her to achieve the best version of herself too. The next time I love someone, we will do so in a healthy environment full of honesty, open communication, vulnerability, happiness and growth. The next time I really love, I will stay, I will make her feel at home and safe, I will make her feel the utmost love and care and I hope she does the same for me as well. 

On another note, I made a 2019 list. These are things that I thought would help me grow as a person and nourish the “new” me that I have worked so hard to achieve in the past 2 years. 

Jeremiah 29:11. I just have to continuously trust in my God. I know that I am very controlling of what happens in my life, and it is okay for me to be a planner of my own future. However, I need to also take a step back once in a while and allow God to lead me. In the end, my God is the ultimate planner, and I am simply following the life He wants for me. 

[realpqdiary]

03/03/19

01:52 am

First day back to work and commuting again from home. 

To be honest, I kind of love it here. I mean other than the 1 or more hour drive to work and back, it’s kinda nice coming home to my parents. I guess they too have become night owls from working swing shift. Tonight I came home to my puppy and my parents watching Filipino movies on netflix so i joined them. We ate snacks (note to self: stop eating after work), and watched Toni Gonzaga and coco martin’s movie. 

Long story short, I can see myself getting used to this routine. I’m realizing more and more how much I need to spend more quality time with my parents because they are getting older and more fragile. I should learn to balance my social life and family life. I think I have a pretty solid group of friends, whether it be my college friends/bestfriends, and work family, I know they will always be there to hang - my parents however, should be prioritized this year. So i will do my best to “be in the moment” with my parents and brother this year.

I want to say that I am getting tired of working at St. Rose. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t love my coworkers any more than I do now. I know half if not more of the staff in the hospital. At this point I know how to work the system and it’s only been a little over 2 years. I mean my charge nurse and coworkers and I were openly talking about our sex lives and toys that we use to keep it interesting lol, like where else would you find coworkers like that?! And my friends from work who have become my second family away from home, they mean everrrything to me. The fault is that I am the type of person who prefers long term commitments over short term changes. This applies to literally every single aspect of my life - work, friendships, connections, my freaking things. I get really attached to anything and everyone worthy and I need to learn how to make boundaries for myself. 

Maybe im just tired of the environment itself. I have worn every hat at my hospital, not needing to mention that all this while I am the youngest of the bunch- break relief nurse, intermittent charge nurse, freaking doing the UA’s jobs when they are lazy or incompetent, i’ve joined the leadership crew, and im an ambassador for the hospital’s Foundations. I’m literally the youngest nurse there that have taken all these big roles. I mean what more can I do here?! I wanna learn more, and im thinking ER if not ICU, but im afraid that I am going to be incompetent. Also im afraid that I cannot take another new role anytime soon because I want to get used to being at home first and still need to work on my physical health. I also need to stop smoking ugh.

If I were being honest with myself, I think that it’s hard for me to leave St Rose because this place, and more so, the people I have connected with there are the reason why I am here, alive, writing this journal and enjoying every minute of life. It felt like the whole hospital staff were there for me during the hardest times of my life, and they really were my backbone along with my DU bestfriends. Who am I to leave people like that when I feel like they are mainly the source of my happiness.

Maybe i’m afraid that leaving St Rose will make me an unstable person again, afraid of changes and afraid of what’s to come. This place made me believe in myself again, it reminded me who I really am. My coworkers care for and love me the way I never thought coworkers could ever show. But maybe I just need to listen to my gut that it’s time for bigger things. Maybe I need to have more trust in my God who has gotten me through all rough days. Maybe by staying at St Rose I am the one hindering myself from what God has planned for me. 

MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE. Who knows, maybe I will thrive even more in this next chapter of my life. I feel something good coming for a while now, but I just haven’t had time to pursue new changes. Just remember 29:11. He has a plan.

[realpqdiary]

02/22/19

03:36 am

Im still awake

Idk why i cant sleep, i did so much today.

Currently, i’m listening to Beyonce’s Die With You.

I know that i am absolutely okay with being single at this point of my life. Maybe I called this chapter of my life: Growing

But i honestly cannot wait to fall in love again. I wanna wake up early and go on a hike with a cute girl and my puppy. Then we go back to our home and make brunch while dancing in the kitchen and taking quick breaks to makeout. I wanna enjoy Sundays with a girl to love next to me, visit a rooftop bar for sunset if we decide to ever get out of bed. And if not, I wanna order delivery and watch Netflix on our bed until we’re sick of laying down, and we’ll go out and come back home to love on each other. And go to work the next morning with nothing but love, a warm cruncy egg avocado toast and freshly brewed coffee, and OJ, and we both head to work.

One day. I cannot wait to meet my person. I hope she’s working on herself too so when the time comes, we’ll both be ready for this kind of commitment. Because once I commit again, I know that that’s it.

[realpqdiary]

02/22/19

I was watching a documentary with Morgan Freeman called “Creation of God” on Netflix.

One scene told the story of a man who drowned and was under the ocean waters fo 15-18 mins. This man stated that while he was unconscious, he “saw” a circle of light. This circle told him that it’s not his time, and he re-surfaced on the water and he was found alive.

It made me think about my sister. If it wasn’t her time, which I don’t think it really was her time, then what if she was given an option by God? An option whether or not she could stay here on earth, but staying means my life, as well as many other’s lives have a bad ending? I felt like prior to Paulette’s death, everything was falling apart in my life. I was at the heaviest weight i’ve ever been, I wasn’t out to my parents and this built the wall between us higher, my parents had absolutely no relationship with any of their kids other than the food and money we share. I think about how her death affected SO many people and as tragic and heartbreaking that was, there are days I wonder if she chose to leave this earth to save all of us?

What if my sister chose to leave because she was given an option that leaving means the lives of people she loves would change for the better, and if not, everyone just lives a miserable life full of sins, lies, and gloom?

I don’t know if God even gives us an option. Maybe she was a special case. I dont know.

But what I do know is I cannot wait for the day I get to see, hug and talk and dance and laugh and sing with my sister again.

Til we see each other again Diche, I will do my best to reach my full potential and live the life you could have lived.

I’ll do it for us, diche.

[realpqdiary]

Feb 2019 shenanigans this week.

I haven’t been working so much this month, especially this week. (Finish this later)

[realpqdiary]

02/17/19

It’s Carolyn’s bday tomorrow and i dont know if this is bad timing, but if i dont do it soon im going to break.

I think i wanna cut it off with her. I want to be friends, BESTfriends. But I need to accept that I need my space from her so I can get rid of my feelings. I want her to know that this isn’t easy for me to do. It hurts me more than i can show. I want her to understand where im coming from. I want her to know that there isn’t anything specific that she does or says that made me fall for her, but that i fell for all of her, all at once. So we can’t change anything we both do or say to each other. The only way i can get over her is to not see her or talk to her other than work.

Most importantly, I want to tell her that I hope this doesn’t cause us to drift apart so far from each other that we lose our friendship. She became one of my bestfriends, and i truly do care about her. More than i should, and that’s what needs to change. I want to care about her the same exact way that you care about me.

[realpqdiary]

02/17/19

Note to self: I need to choose someone who will choose me. Someone who will put me first, not as an option. I need someone who will be sure of how they feel about me and will reciprocate my love and effort.

NOTE TO SELF: this year, i will CHOOSE MYSELF. Choose my own happiness, my own sanity, my own peace.

Note to self: Do not ever allow myself again to be in the middle of 2 people. Between maddie and Carolyn, between jess and sam. I don’t wanna be an emotional fluffer. I need to be loved wholeheartedly, not when it’s convenient for the other person.

[realpqdiary]

I love Iceland

[realpqdiary]

02/14/2019

20:41

Happy Valentine’s day, I guess lol. 

I vtlo’d today. I did that because I wanted to have a day of just doing things for myself, and not really focus on other people. I also didn’t want to deal with old coworkers teasing me about being single. 

I’m single because it’s my choice. 

As much as I really want to find someone to be in a relationship with, I know deep down that I will not be happy, not satisfied with that move. Honestly, there are a number of things that i want to get done before falling in love again. Although I know that once I lose weight and get fit, I would feel more ready to date.

This year I chose to spend this Valentines day by myself (alone, not lonely). I had multiple chances of being with someone tonight, but I chose myself. This time, this year, i will continuously choose myself. I want to grow, to attain a much better version of myself. The version of myself that is genuinely happy, someone who has a better handle of my thoughts and emotions, someone who is driven, motivated, loving and caring as ever. 

Don’t get me wrong, I want NOTHING more than to find someone to love and be loved in return. That is the one thing that I have always wanted in life. But now is the time to fulfill my own goals and dreams. 

TO THE GIRL I LOVE NEXT: I hope you are working on yourself as much as I am doing my best to achieve my best self.