redcandletalks

[redcandletalks]

I hate that my family (and some friends) are so neurotic but can’t stand it when I’m hating on life. Like, I’ve been brought up surrounded by adults who do nothing but complain about the smallest things, preach that life is useless and that nothing matters anyway because we die anyway, drop their delusion onto others and then act like it’s a joke. Now they are surprised that I don’t enjoy life and struggle to find healthy happy connections. No shit but what did you think was going to happen when you tell a 10 year old that all people are bad, that the world is doomed, that everyone is out to get you. That I was going to grow up happily? That I was going to enjoy socialize with people?

And then comes their idea that I am the problem, that I’m just a pessimist. No Karen, you taught me to enjoy nothing, to catastrophize everything, to be afraid of people, to go for a dream that was not mine anyway. Everyone comes to me with their drama and expects me to handle it? I have my own problems! I couldn’t care less about your fights in your relationships, about your anxiety problems you refuse to work on, about your conflicts you created yourself because you have no respect for anyone. Especially, when you don’t bother listening to me and dismiss my feelings.

[redcandletalks]

Lately I’ve been wishing I was born into another family. My family has really been draining me for years till the point that I’m mostly disengaged with them. I absolutely have no interest in their lives nor do they have any in mine.

I’ve never had any deep and meaningful connections with someone. Even from early childhood on I’ve felt ignored, only convenient to have around but not worthy enough to be respected or even considered.

In all of friendships I’ve had till now it fell apart as soon as I wanted something else or had interest in other people. It’s a reoccurring theme in my life that I’m treated like a doormat, someone they can take out there anger on or drop their emotions on without considering that I have my own problems too. Now, I’ve realized that I’m just friends with people because there’s no one else. I would be complete alone.

There are a lot of people I’m angry at for not considering my needs and feelings. I really want to work on myself to stop inviting people into my life who will hurt me in the end.

[redcandletalks]

2024 has personally been a terrible year. From New Year’s Eve till today I have been dragged down by struggles and pains both from most people in my current life and from people in the past. I’ve navigated through my life up till now and was confronted with the hurt I’m still carrying along. Many relationships have gotten a new meaning to me. Many people have gotten a new face.

2024 has left me alone, surrounded by people I’ve lost trust in, I’ve silent resentment towards, I just don’t understand anymore and people I would rather have put of my life.

I’m not very interested in these relationships anymore because I’ve put too much energy into them without getting anything back. I’ve never felt more truly alone in my life as in this year. Hopefully 2025 will be better but although I have courtage to go on, I’ve learned that things don’t change quickly. I hope I will gain enough energy to make changes this year.