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when it rains it pours,

but how big must a puddle grow

before it is considered a pond?

when does a pond become a lake?

i’m drowning,

but i insist that i’m dry.

insist i couldn’t die.

now every single day is overtime.

is extra credit.

is derealized.

i’m drowning but i

wring my clothes

and promise that i’m dry.

it’s good for the flowers, they say.

that’s very good.

you’ll need them soon.

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tolerance break

forced into a bit of a tb for a few days

was hesitant to consume again

after about a week used my pen last night before bed

for me to heal from weed shame i need to acknowledge:

i can vape instead of burning flower

because no its not a cigarette but inhaling a forest fire all day long isnt good either

it can be used as medicine

using it all day always isnt medicine

you probably smelled like weed more than you knew

it seems to heighten my anxiety

if sober state me is able to sit inside the body acknowledging the brain as the other- weed me seems to put me way in the pilot seat-- while i can hone focus a lot more (art music etc) and feel closer to my immediate surroundings i seem to become one with the voice and it has more of an effect/more power over me (negative thoughts feel more true and harder to ignore)

it is okay to have enjoyment

life is meant to be enjoyed

use with intent

definitely consume less

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we broke up maybe for good today

i cant help feeling like this has all been fake

like shes been using me this whole time

i genuinely feel so fucking done with my life

for over a decade now

thinking about really ending it on my birthday this year in a few days

i dont know what the point in any of this is anymore

thinking about hanging myself in the garage

no one fucking cares

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a prayer for the "lord" to take me in my sleep

i'm so fucking tired of feeling so empty

cavern in my chest

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certain nights i wish i would just die in my sleep

could tonight be the one ??

sick of feeling stuck

cant convince myself i deserve better

i hate being a broken person

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horny

me jumping back and forth and cycling through

tinder

bumble

hud

feeld

3f

hinge

wild

for the last 24 hours in a frezny

sexual frustration like this is really depressing

like please literally anyone slide in to my DMs

shoot your shot

kill me

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feeling suicidal

not knowing who to talk to

dont even know if ive ever had close friends

i have a partner that i can't talk to in the other room

i wish i was dead

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this is what i feel

“I could not stop wasting time. It was crazy. I wanted to do something with my life, but instead I went to sleep, or sung in the shower, or sat and stared at the wall. I couldn’t even tell you about anything that I saw. I didn’t talk to anybody. The cicadas kept dying outside, and as I dreamed, my mouth grew thick and venomous with silence.”

Yiwei Chai, The Jacaranda Years

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an experience offered to me

something i would like to share

and yet i still decline

and hold it against myself

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if i’ve learned one thing in this life

it’s that sex sells

and i’m a sucker

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i feel angry that i don’t have the community i used to here

that things and places like this can just be wiped from existence

i miss showing people who i really am

i don’t feel like i am able to so much these days

it gets harder the more it stays hidden

today is a day where i feel like dying

maybe i’m dying inside

so fucking dramatic

forever depressed

i miss real friends

the feeling is my best friend

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a decade

....i started this blog after a breakup in 2012.

i was alone at grad school in savannah and didn’t know how to handle anything. the pressures of my family and school/career, a long distance relationship that got longer, how to be alone, alcoholism....

a friend recommended i start writing my feelings out.

it’s been a ride to say the least.

i can’t believe it’s been 10 years of this page.

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you can’t be loved for you if you arent authentically you

but if you don’t feel like you can authentically be you

how do you start to turn it on

who am i if i don’t feel like me

cycles

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what is this feeling of restraint

curious and interested and fascinated by strangers and new faces

desire, longing, curiousity

i want to know them, i want to be with them, i want to love them and feel them

and yet i hold back because i’m me

and i dont want to bother them

or creep them out

...what if they don’t like me back?

why do i worry so much

it feels so hard these days to connect

i’m too wrapped up in why i’m not worth enough of the connection

if i feel something i should say something, right?

i am draw to people and never tell them

do they know?

do i still make it obvious?

it’s almost like i save it to weaponize for later

“didnt you know i was always in love with you”

i can’t help feeling like i do it all wrong

a desire to be understood and connect in a way that makes me never question myself again

i don’t remember it always being like this, so difficult

i don’t even know if i can describe the pain of it accurately in words

like a hungry desire to love and feel love back, authentically

but not knowing how

and ruining the ones that might be authetic by second guessing and doubting and anxiety

how to let go and be honest

how to be open

i hate that i have such trust issues

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thinking way too much about killing myself again

if nobody cares about your birthday

why would they care if you killed yourself

nobody cares you exist

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relevant analogy

if the real you was spiderman, but you had to play a fake person everyday in your life ala peter

i dont like when i feel like to know myself i have to go be totally alone

i feel like i keep needing to regroup but keep falling behind because i cant regroup and catch up

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i miss this place and this outlet and the people i used to communicate with here

fuck you so hard tumblr for destroying this

sad

sad sad

they all got married and shit anyway