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redpinkss · 7 years ago

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Hidden Feelings

jennie angst

(not my gif).

You knew you were never going to make it. Each stride you took, it burned more and more, but the urge to finish was ingrained into your heart. Step by step, you sprinted to the finish line.

You slumped against the wall of your school gymnasium, panting and gasping for breath. There wasn’t enough time, and you didn’t make it. Your school gym teacher came up to the cold brick wall you were collapsed against, and you could practically feel the anger surging from him.

“Get up, Y/N! This is the fifth time you’ve failed to finish the 4 laps! What do you think this is, preschool? Don’t make me give you another lunch detention.” He spat out the lecture to you.

It’s not like you haven’t been yelled at by teachers before, sometimes you just didn’t have enough time to do the ridiculous things they’ve asked of you before. Where in life would I need to run a mile in under 10 minutes anyway? You sighed as you limped to the locker room, still feeling the effects of the long sprint you just ran. Fortunately, the other students weren’t here to watch you fail, for what seems like the 100th time. The other girls greeted you in the locker room, lightly hitting your back and teasing you as your walk of shame to your locker seemed to never end.

“Missed it again? C’mon Y/N, you should learn by now to double-knot your shoes.” Jennie joked, with a grin growing on her face. You half-laughed and shrugged at her usual teasing, turning to get your books and binders.

“Hey, is something wrong? I was kidding.” She softly said, concerned about your unusual mood. She reached to your shoulder while asking to reassure you that she was joking, but again, you shrugged and turned away. Of course, you knew she wasn’t being serious. Lately, you’ve been trying to avoid talking to her, which is hard because she’s been your only life-long friend and neighbor, and she can easily pick up when something is wrong. Truly, she had done nothing wrong and neither had you, but it’s quite obvious something was putting you in a bad mood recently. It was hard, as a relatively quiet person who isn’t really in touch with her feelings, it was difficult to find out what exactly is bugging you. That’s when Jennie would come in and talk about it with you, which is how you resolved your problems and anxieties 99% of the time. This time, it was different. Jennie just got a “boyfriend” and just as best friends normally would, you guys talked about it all night. Well, she talked and you listened, as usual. Now instead of walking with you throughout the halls before class starts, and instead of hanging out every day after school, she would just spend her time with him instead of you. On top of having to wander the school by yourself, you felt greedy that you wanted her all to yourself, and to make matters even worse, you had no idea how to deal with any of this because obviously, you wouldn’t rant about Jennie’s boyfriend to her because that's just flat-out rude. You would just somehow to deal with this on your own, by yourself, for the first time.

The painful schedule of classes with Jennie and her boyfriend stung like salt in a wound, and each glance at him felt like your chest was closing in on itself. Finally, the final bell rings and you're almost jogging as you rush to get home.

I'm sure I would've made the 4 laps if I were going this pace, you amuse yourself, finding anything to distract your mind from... her

“Hey- Y/N! Wait!” Jennie huffed, shuffling to catch up on your quick pace.

The wind blew cold air, and the dark, gray sky looked as if it were about to cry icy tears, just like you. You could feel Jennie grab your wrist.

“Seriously Y/N, are you deaf? I was practically shouting at you. What’s wrong?” Her voice got gradually got louder at the end of her sentence, and she was beg-shouting. Her eyebrows furrowed and her cheeks were slightly flushed from the cold air, but her expression softened when you turned around and showed your teared-up eyes. Shrugging, you whipped around and continued on your path home, walking even quicker than before. After a while, she stopped chasing you and kept a distance as you both walked to the same neighborhood. Quickly, you stepped into your house and slammed the door. The bitter cold finally got to you, and the pain from the day caused your head to pound. The cold metal made you gasp and you slid down your front door, just as the first warm tears slid down your cold cheeks. You sat, and you cried, but why? What about Jennie having her first boyfriend was bothering you?

Later that night, there was a lot of time for you to think. After all this time, all these rough denials of you having a crush, it was decided. You were in love with Jennie Kim, your best friend since before you could even remember.

In, out, in, out

You exhaled deep, slow breaths that felt like fire to your chest. Who could have ever guessed that trying to not hyperventilate and pass out was this hard? The five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, you learned this in psychology class. First, you just have to get past the first four parts and you would be fine, easy enough right? Damn, this is going to be hard. Sliding further into a slumped position, you rubbed your hands through your messy, disheveled hair. The disorder of your appearance, with a wrinkled black shirt, untied white muddy shoes, and unintentionally ripped blue jeans would usually bother you and make you fix it almost immediately, however, this was a different case. All care and order you had were gone, and everything you thought was fine suddenly turned terrible.

Luckily for you, there was a four day weekend after your ‘realization’, which allowed you to think about things even more. Are you going to tell her, or not? At the moment, you were leaning towards the ‘just ignore it until it goes away’ side, but it was still to be determined. The four minutes you had laying in your warm bed as icy rain tapped your windows felt like heaven before the shrill cry of your alarm beckoned you awake. You pulled on a slightly white t-shirt and a pair of pajama shorts because hobbling over to your bathroom. It was easy for you to look like absolute crap while your over-the-top perfectionist mother was on a month-long business trip, and you took the few weeks you had left of peace with liberty. After tidying yourself up, you left the cold upstairs of your house to get a nice warm cup of tea to help you start your perfect lazy-weekend. The week your midterm exams were the best since you had a short break with absolutely no homework, and no clingy friends to bother you since everybody was far too tired to make any plans to visit a friend. Or that's at least what you thought.

The sharp knocking on your door caused you to jump and almost made you spill your tea. You cursed as you walked over to the door in your pajama pants, bunny slippers, and a messy t-shirt. The harsh knocking only became louder as you took your time moving to open the door, and you actually started getting a bit anxious. The cold air hit you like a tsunami, and the air smelled like damp moss because the rain just started picking up. You wiped the fog off the glass door and to your surprise, and terror, Jennie was standing there, shivering and wet.

“Hey...” She looked up at you, with an awkward smile forming on her reddened face. A few seconds passed of confused silence.

“Well, come in, I don’t want you to get sick!” You nagged her, grabbing her slick wrist and pulling her freezing body inside.

The motherly feeling of having to care for your best friend overtook your promise of ignoring her while you got over your crush, but it soon went away after you grabbed a blanket and cup of tea for your cold friend.

“You know how I’m scared of storms, and since nobody’s home I thought it would be okay if you let me stay over here until it passes?” Jennie almost whispered, looking slightly like a lost puppy.

“Jennie, of course. The only thing is that this storm is gonna last a few days, and they’re even considering extending our break because of it. Anyways, stay as long as you’d like.”

“And Y/N? I’d actually like to talk to you about something, but I think I want to wait until later if that's okay with you.”

You nodded yes and with that being said, you both sat on the white leather couch and watched the weather channel for any updates while talking, laughing, and sipping on the hot tea.

Hours passed as the only weather updates given were getting worse and worse. There was no way Jennie would be leaving anytime soon. The thought of having to spend a day, god forbid a week, with Jennie completely ruined your plans of avoiding her to return your feelings back to normal. Although you wouldn't be making any progress anytime soon, your pure love for her drove your body to allow Jennie emotional shelter during this storm.

"Good evening everyone. Our weather team has told us to alert you all and let you know that it is currently unsafe to drive, bike, and even walk outside. Please stay indoors for the time being, and stay tuned for more updates. This time period of extreme danger will last for at least a week."

Jennie sighed and switched the channel, dramatically tossing the remote to the couch and placing her hands on her face.

"Guess I'm never leaving, huh, y/n?"

You replied with a small nod no. The blaring audio of an old SpongeBob episode caused you both to sit up. What a classic.

"Hey Jen, remember when we used to watch this all the time as kids?"

"Oh y/n, how could I ever forget?" she said with a childish look growing on her face. As the both of you get lost in childhood memories and time passes, the sky slowly darkens and the stormy sky shifts into an even darker shade of gray with stars slowly appearing. Jennie somehow ends up with her head on your chest and her arms wrapped around your torso. Her soft, warm arms around you while she’s in your hoodie that you loaned her gave you the coziest feeling possible. She practically was purring because somehow the hard rain tapping on the window lured her asleep. This is how you wanted to spend your life, in an embrace with the one you love most. Closing your eyes, you dreamed of the even cozier future that could be had by you and Jennie.

Zzzzt-

Power. Outage.

Jennie's soft grip on you quickly turns into more of a death grip, and that cozy feeling got swept away. You both perked up and this caused the blankets to quickly slip off, exposing you to the cold air surrounding the living room. This was usual during a bad storm in this city. Power outage and then a few minutes later, it would be back on and the electricity company would release an official apology. Both you and Jennie got to work, being used to this type of stuff. She grabbed a flashlight and you got some matches and a candle, just in case the batteries somehow failed.

Which they did.

So here you were, sitting across from your best friend, that you just dreamed about having a romantic future with a few moments ago. The glow of the candle between you two gave her face a soft, golden tone. It reminded of the time you went to the beach with her in 6th grade, and you carried her to the local clinic because she sprained her wrist while boogie boarding. It reminded you of the time when she convinced you to go on an intimate picnic on a hill near her house to watch the sunset. The tall, tan grass swayed in the wind, in tempo with her hair flowing and her face glowing.

“Hey, can I tell you what I said I would earlier?” she said, the flames smooth dance reflecting in her eyes.

With a swift nod from you, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I don’t even like him, every time he even texts me I just feel nothing but annoyance,” the words came flying out, so much so that the flames dance turned into a frantic waving, “we literally have two things in common, and both of them are classes! I don’t know what to do..”

“Jendeukie, chillax, I’ve never seen you this frantic. Just tell him and be honest. Ahem, ‘I gave it a try but I feel like this isn’t going to work. Thank you for your time, though’. That’s it, Jennie, text him right now.”

It pained you to see her this stressed out about such a minor inconvenience, but although you hate to admit it, you were doing a tiny victory dance in your mind. You got lost in your greedy happiness but when you heard a faint sob, you snapped out of it. Swiping the candlestick to the side, you slid forward and instinctively wrapped your arms around her. The Jennie Kim was crying because she didn’t like her boyfriend. Empathically, you cried too. It was only natural, you guys had a twin-level emotional connection, and suddenly you felt your heart sting even more. The guilt she felt, the hatred she felt, it all came rushing in. It seemed like the flames were weeping too. You both comforted each other, wrapped in a tight hug with a candle-light orange blanketed over you. The candle joined the embrace.

Waking up, you were on the cold hardwood floor with Jennie nuzzled into your neck. It was still raining, however, the sky was a lighter gray than before and you realized it was morning. A small flame disappeared into a flowing smoke as you blew it out, and the candle was melted almost to the metal candlestick. The smoke danced around incredibly light, and that caused you to remember that Jennie was also incredibly light, so you swiftly picked her up and carried her bridal-style to your bedroom. Her lips grew into a tired smile as she woke up, feeling you holding her. You set her down on your plush bed and started getting out pillows and a blanket so you could sleep on the floor. A quick tug pulled you back to the sleeping beauty.

“Don’t go Y/N, lets sleep in..” her raspy morning voice pulled you in like a magnet.

Before you could even blink, she pulled you in and both of you were covered by a thick, warm duvet. The plush of the bed made you two sink together and suddenly Jennie was practically on top of you, laughing like a little kid. Your heart swelled, and you were scared that she would hear the pounding on your chest. Her soft, brown hair tickled your nose as she swept it over her shoulder, and you laughed as she started leaning closer in.

Wait, what?

Time felt slower and her face got closer and closer. You felt her smile and the light pink lips that you constantly desired brushed over yours. The smell of a familiar cinnamon scent veiled over you. In all honesty, you would’ve been completely fine just looking at her face while she had her signature smile on, and this completely new feelings made your knees weak. You knew that this one kiss could change everything, and what you’ve been craving most for many years would finally be given to you. She hovered over you for a second before leaning in and closing her eyes. The whole world felt different, you could no longer feel the soft and cushy bed or the heavy duvet over you. When her lips finally pressed against yours, you felt nothing but love. Raw, pure, persistent love. You finally realized that the dreams of a future with Jennie were closer than ever, and it was all you could ever wish for. The slow kiss had fallen into a rhythm, and the passion overwhelmed you both. When she reluctantly pulled away, you were panting in sync with her. The hard realization of what had just happened caused heat to rise up into your cheeks, and you let out a soft giggle. She froze. You watched as her smirk flattened out and her eyes slightly opened.

“Y/N, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that, I was just thinking about him and I’m tired. Can we forget that just happened?”

...

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