replaceablestupid

[replaceablestupid]

I just want to be a good friend why do I have to be so stupid I get why no one likes me why my family cares about my dead abuser more than me why my best friend stopped seeing me as a person and just someone who can help with rent why my friends stop talking to me why all my relationships end up in flames why friends don't want to talk to me it's cuz I'm a dumbass someone worth nothing someone who should just die no one would care if I died actually they'd be happy every single one they'd be so happy I was dead they'd no longer have to deal with me the dumbass

[replaceablestupid]

I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass I'm a dumbass

[replaceablestupid]

This is the good life they said

How is this the good life

All I want to do is touch flowers

Kiss puppies

And love You

But the flowers are dead

The puppies grew to harsh dogs

And You were never here

[replaceablestupid]

I get it please stop talking I get it you wanted him to live I get it out of the two of us he was your favorite I get now please shut up please I'm begging let me live my life where I can lie to myself that's not true

[replaceablestupid]

Happy birthday me, I wish you were never born. I mean you don't have a family. They all love your abuser more than you. You lost your family. Kill yourself.

[replaceablestupid]

God I love it when my family tells me to forgive my abuser all because he's dead and they don't wanna feel bad. They say "oh no we aren't saying you need to forgive him now just that it'll be really cool and epic if you did." They say they want to understand me better but it doesn't really fucking matter if you don't even let me fucking say one fucking sentence!

JUST AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! AN HOUR FUCKING LONG SPEAK WITH NO REAL REASON AND THDY JUST KEPT SHITTING ON ME AND SAYING THEY AREN'T SHITTING ON ME, GOING AFTER MY BELIEFS AND SAYING ITS CLOSED MINDED, GOING AFTER MY TRAMA AND SAYING PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN YOU, GOING AFTER MY HAPPINESS SAYING IT'S BAD I FEEL HAPPY NOW THAT HE'S DEAD.

They have no idea how much pain and suffering I had to endure so they can have their happiness, how much I hid the fact being near him made me feel like there was 100s gun all aimed at me, how each time I heard his name I felt so unsafe no matter how far I was. Why can't I enjoy the fact I'm safe.

[replaceablestupid]

I just want love. Why can't I keep a lover for at least a year. Why, they all literally say the same thing that it's not me it's them that they want to do something else yada yada yada. What am I that ugly girl in TV shows you are supposed to laugh at or something? I just want a genuine relationship and what it's funny? Haha the ugly short fat Mexican wants love, he isn't attractive enough so he should be ashamed on seeking love. Is that it? Is that my life?

My family and friends have given up on me, saying they already know I'll live alone with dogs. And yeah I know they are just making fun and I'm fine with that but like if that is my life, I just feel like I'd hate myself every single day. But maybe I should give up too, it'll be easier. Stop dreaming a knight in shinning armor that sweeps me off my feet.

Why can't I just give up

[replaceablestupid]

YOU KNOW I HATE BEING IGNORED YOU KNOW I HATE IT SO MUCH I'VE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES AND YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT DID I DO? DID I WANT YOU TO SMILE TOO MUCH? WAS I TOO UNDERSTANDING? WHAT DID I DO? PLEASE YOU CAN LEAVE FROM MY LIFE YOU CAN KICK ME OUT ALL YOU WANT BUT JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID! I'M SCREAMING PLEASE I'M BEGGING PLEASE WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH WANTING TO BE BY YOUR SIDE? I KNOW WE'LL NEVER BE HOW WE USED TO AND I'M ALRIGHT WITH THAT BUT WHAT AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR?

God I'm pathetic

[replaceablestupid]

Everyone is having a great time this Friday night, not me though. I have to sleep early so I can make it to my weekend job because I need the money it gives me so my house doesn't get foreclosed, then I'm going to spend the weekend at my brother's because my other brother is at home and seeing as he's the source of my PTSD I feel like shit every time he's here and I don't want to deal with suicidal thoughts for the weekend.

Isn't life grand, isn't it. At work I'm one of the hardest workers because I've been working since middle school with family and they kept telling me I'm lazy and if I didn't want to lose any jobs in the future to do my 100%. This is a lie almost none of my other coworkers even do 50% but it's been in my head for so long that no matter what I can't get it out . Oh I'm also most likely the lowest paying worker because I'm younger and not as experienced as my coworkers, or so they say. $15 an hour, I can barely last till my next paycheck but oh well, guess I'll manage with idk luck.

He's also having a nice time with friends, wanted to talk to me but no goes out with friends. I always fall for the runners don't I, dumbass I'm such a dumbass, runners always run they always do. Run run run, away from anything that doesn't make them smile, even if they wanted to start a conversation, they'd still run away from it. It's grand really, it really is.

The night is cold, very cold. My dogs don't like sleeping with me so they are with other family members. I have two blankets for the night and a body pillow, it's to help make sure I don't cry myself to sleep, those can be replacements for love and care right? For a body next to mine right?

I'm tired I'm going to bed

[replaceablestupid]

Writing something because I want to tell someone and I know non of my friends will care about it as much as they say they do so why not just talk about it to the void.

I'm a dumbass, the biggest dumbass there is. Why you might ask, because I saw a pattern and didn't listen to it and keep on getting hurt. Everyone I dated has broken up with me and moved on so fast it feels as though they stopped loving me for awhile. The funny thing is that some of them did say that, said they wanted to break up with me earlier but felt too bad. Wow thanks for that information, that curse evil sickening information, that I gave my heart and soul to someone who didn't care, that my love made them feel bad, that there wasn't going to be any good from this anymore. Thanks for that information, and thanks for telling me after the fact too.

You might be wondering why does this keep on happening? There has to be a reason? And I think I do know why, maybe, hopefully, actually hopefully not. You see I'm someone that loves cheering up others, loves caring for others, loves making sure others are safe. Those people attract those that feel lonely, lost, that have no idea what to do, they love "you make me feel like I matter," "you know just how to calm me down," "you always know what to do when it's so stressful." And god sue me but I love hearing those words, love hearing that someone feels like I'm making their life better. Is that wrong? Please tell me, is it so wrong to love hearing that I make someone's life better, that just me being next to them makes everything easier, that they now have hope thanks to me. And it's not like I make them relay on me, I give them actual techniques to calm them down, to think about their stress more calmly, people in their life they should be honest with and reach out to. I don't cage them to me, I try my best to show them the way out. But then why, why, why every time they feel better about life and themselves they stop loving me, why in under a month they'll find someone else to love, and why do they want to keep being "friends," why why why why why why.

Is it wrong for me to love? Is that it? I'll never find true love? All my friends have people they plan on staying for a long time if not forever with, and their relationship is nice and healthy. So what? Does that mean I have the role of being the cool uncle? The family friend you can always relay on? The person you've seen since childhood who you know you can be honest with bc you don't see them that much anyway? Is that who I'll become? My role in life? I don't want that, is that so wrong, I don't want that, please tell me that's not so wrong, I just want my own happy relationship I don't want to be the one that's alone in the family.

Honestly I wish my heart would burn, die, please die. I don't want this, I wish I never felt this. "It's better to have love and been hurt than to never love at all," unless you learn your life will never have love, you got to taste the sweetness nectares of life, and then told by life that's not for you? God that's a hell, so I guess I'm in hell. I'm in hell because I tried love and did it too good, my partners felt too happy with me they stop, my partners grew too much to be a better person they saw they can do better, I'm nothing but compost and my partners are the prettiest flowers, they get to be love by the world and everyone else while I slowly fade to the dirt, and it's hell because for a few seconds in their lives while they are a seed and I'm just freshly added to the ground, we are equals hard to tell where to separate the both of us but sooner or later you can, and the flowers bloom and the compost vanish, this is hell.

I'm in hell, covered by the prettiest flowers, they use my body to grow and I'm not allowed to touch, I'm not allow to love, but when they were seeded on me I had a chance to, but they grow so big and away I can no longer, none grow with me to make me feel better, none grow so I can taste the sweetness of love again, I'm in hell, a hell that only a dumbass can be put in.