revivalofmythousandpastselves

[revivalofmythousandpastselves]

Do you still think that I am still perfect?

He doesn't. He doesn't think that I am perfect anymore. I think he stopped thinking that I was for a while now.

He broke up with me today.

What a disappointment.

He stopped being perfect to me too.

I don't think he was ever was perfect to me, but I used to think he was close, closer than i've ever had before.

All along, I was right. But it doesn't feel good to be right. I wish the fears I had about what could go wrong remained just fears--but they all came to fruition. My intuition, my gut, was right. I was getting too excited, ahead of myself. It was too much and I overlooked the warning signs--again.

This relationship was like whiplash.

Forward, then back, so quickly.

We weren't together for that long, so I know I'll get over this in due time.

I don't feel heartbroken. I am angry.

I'm angry he made promises of love and affection that turned out to be empty.

He let me say all that I wanted to say in the moment, but

I didn't say what I really wanted to say out of respect for him and his feelings. I mean I didn't really want him to hear what I really thought of him. I felt like it'd be too cruel.

I feel nauseous. Maybe because I've barely eaten today, or maybe because I swallowed too many things I wanted to say to him. I need to vomit now.

If I didn't care about his feelings, if I had no respect for him,

I would've told him that he's pathetic, irrational, insecure, unhealed, a loser, a bum, unmotivated, selfish, severely flawed.

I would've told him that his aversion to working more shifts at his secure, good paying job was irresponsible. That his money problems were his own fault. That his mental decline was his fault for withdrawing from his anti-depressants so irresponsibly.

This is all his fault.

And I know he will come to regret this.

Another fucking liar.

How could I expect someone who couldn't be honest with themselves to be honest with me?

I feel disgust, anger, hatred.

All my love and care for him faded away.

It's unfortunate. I thought we had more time.

I never intended to stay with him for long anyways. But I seriously thought we had more time.

What the fuck just happened?

I don't know. He's going to be someone I'll forget about. There was nothing really that significant to him, I've realized.

He's just got a troubled head, unsure of where to direct his pain.

How can I expect someone who seems to be so unsure of themselves to be sure of me?

Why do I always become the one that got away?

Another disappointment. I knew we weren't going to last, but I thought our relationship would be more fulfilling than this.

You leave me empty. Affirming my distrust in the affections I receive.

It's not fair. It doesn't feel fair.

I hope guilt and regret creeps up on you, and I hope you're unable to do anything about it.

I told you that I hope you get your life together, which was true. But I lied when I said I hope you find happiness.

Well, I do hope that for you a little,

But I don't think you'll be happy with yourself for a long time.

I don't think you even like yourself that much.

I told you before that I need someone secure. You said you were, but,

I think that was a lie you told yourself and then to me.

You took me, and take everyone in your life for granted.

You will lose them. Because you have already lost yourself.

You need help. But you won't accept it. Your mother is right to make you feel like everything you do is wrong.

What are you even doing with your life?

Yeah, I told you, it's your life, and you can do what you want.

But that statement, after being free of you was not meant to be a blessing.

I know as you do as you please with your life, you will send yourself into ruin.

So

I thank you for freeing me before it was too late.

May 25, 2024