rex-rivetter-transcripts

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 12: The Case of the Missing Ending (Part 1)

Note:

hi so sorry probably gonna be late with this one againnnnnn pls forgive me

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 11: A Case of Triple Indemnity (Part 5)

Note: I am not fluent in Italian, so feedback on the various (???)s is appreciated. What is there is what Google Translate tried to give me, so apologies if those aren't accurate as well. Various items with (???) are also open for feedback.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen: part five of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by… oh, you probably already know the rest. A guy named Bennett walked into my office yesterday from the Transmutual Insurance Company. He’s catching some heat from the beneficiary of a policy his office wrote. The insured was one Vincent Scalati, formerly of Bel Air, now residing at Lot #314 at Holy Cross Cemetery. The heat was coming from his wife Carmen. It seems Transmutual had written in a Triple Indemnity Clause should Mr. Scalati meet an untimely accident. The payout? $225,000. With that kind of money, it’d be hard to find someone that wouldn’t snuff out Scalati’s candle. But he’d been shot in an apparent robbery outside his shop in the seedy part of town. Sure, it’s possible that it’s just a coincidence. Have I mentioned before how I feel about coincidence? I met with Carmen Scalati at her home yesterday. During our chat, there was a special guest appearance by… a man I know very little about. Later I met up with that man here in my office, and he told me he suspected something might be going on with Mrs. Scalati.

REX: That, Inspector, is why I’m talking to you!

LT. BURKE: It’s Lieutenant, Rivetter. 

REX: Lieutenant Rivetter? Hey… ah, I’m too tired to make that joke right now. Check back with me later. 

LT. BURKE: Up late last night, were you?

REX: I had a meeting with another client. Nothing related to this case.

LT. BURKE: Alright Rivetter, so what do you want from me?

REX: I was hoping I could call in a favor. I need more information on the Scalatis. Something’s… not right. 

LT. BURKE: “Call in a favor?” I would have to owe you one for that to happen.

REX: Well, there was that little matter at the university…

LT. BURKE: You’re already trading that one! I’m not sure if you’re aware, but typical protocol in a situation like this is to wait a few days before…

REX: What if I said “pretty please?”

[SFX - Chair wheels out as Burke gets up.]

LT. BURKE: Sorry Rexie, old boy. You’re on your own. But be sure to call me if you have anything solid on the Scalati murder.

REX: I think she’s having an affair with the gardener.

LT. BURKE: Seedy. But without any proof–

REX: “Seedy?” Gardener? C’mon, Lieutenant, you’re making this too easy for me!

LT. BURKE: Good day, Mr. Rivetter.

[SFX - Door closes. Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): He’s right. Without something more solid, Transmutual will have to pay out on that policy. I suppose I shouldn’t care – it’s not my money – but my client paid me to get to the bottom of this, and if word gets out I shirked my responsibility, well… that’s just bad for business. I would say that I’m back to square one in this investigation, but that’s not true. Is there something that comes before square one? Because, that’s where I am. The only thing I have discovered is that Vincent Scalati used to work for the mob as a bookie. He was running numbers out of a curio shop and may or may not have been skimming, something the Italians don’t take lightly. Carmen Scalati and the gardener both know who I am and what I’m doing. They may or may not be involved, but they’d be idiots not to be looking out for me now, so trying to get any information from them’ll be next to impossible. Anthony Solerno might know something, but I’d have better luck getting the dead body of Vincent Scalati to talk than I would Solerno. A man was shot in the middle of the day, but according to Lieutenant Burke there are no leads, not even a single witness. It’s just… too perfect a crime. I’m missing something. Burke won’t help me, but yesterday there were cops staking out the Chinese massage parlor near Scalati’s store. Maybe they can shed some light.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Car engine start.]

I take a spin back over to Scalati’s Treasures, thinking about everything that had gone wrong so far in this investigation. The only real chance I have left of getting to the bottom of this is sitting across the street from the shop recently owned by the deceased. They’re there, alright. Same cops, same car, same parking spot.  

[SFX - Car door shuts. Footsteps.]

JIMMY (cheerfully): Hey, it’s the pie man!!

PETE: Christ, what do you want?

REX: I just came to check on my two favorite public servants.

JIMMY: Got any pie?

PETE: Shut up, Jimmy! Mr. Rivetter ain’t takin’ any food orders today. That’s right, Rivetter, I checked up on ‘ya. I called in your plates yesterday and got a full rundown on ‘ya. 

REX: Hm. Anything interesting?

PETE: Well you don’t run no curio shop, that’s for sure. You’re a Private Dick.

REX (disappointed): I don’t really like that term. 

PETE: And you’re stickin’ your nose somewhere where it don’t belong!

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): Some guys are lucky at love. Some guys, it’s cards! (quietly, like he’s telling a secret) I knew a guy said he had perfect parking karma. He could find a spot on the busiest street in L.A. at rush hour. Me? I got a different kinda luck. Sometimes on a case when I’ve run out of leads, I catch a lucky break. Some would call it uncanny, maybe, or destiny. I just think that once in a while, the sun even shines on a dog’s ass. Of course, there’s a trade off. I’m terrible at making analogies. I’m worse at that than… someone who can… can’t make analogies. But as luck would have it, a brown Sedan pulls up outside the pie shop. And who should get out of the passenger side but my old buddy Mitch, a not-so-helpful waiter from yesterday. He gives me the eye and the driver peeps at me from the rear-view before pulling the brim of his green fedora down to cover his eyes. He leaves a little tread as he makes a quick right and disappears into traffic. I think it’s time for a slice of cherry.

[SFX - Entrance bell dings. Café ambiance.]

The apron Mitch ties around his waist does a pretty good job at hiding a solid frame. The little paper hat he wears covers a crew cut. He tries to saunter over to me but it looks like a march. I don’t know how I missed it yesterday - Mitch is ex-military. I’d know that angry look anywhere.

MITCH: Well if it isn’t the snooper!

REX: Hello, Mitch! Why don’t we have us a little sit-down?

[SFX - Utensils clatter. Rex grabs Mitch. Music swells.]

MITCH: Hey, what the–!! OOF–!!

REX (through wrestling Mitch, strained): Let’s take this conversation over to the kitchen here, and out the back door. I think we have some things to discuss!! 

[SFX - Rex slams Mitch into the wall.]

MITCH (angry): You’re makin’ a mistake, pal!

[SFX - Mitch grunts randomly trying to get away from Rex.]

REX: It’s not my first, and I’m sure it won’t be my last. 

MITCH: I wouldn’t be so sure about that. 

[SFX - more wrestling. Glass breaks in the background. Mitch grunts and exclaims as Rex starts punching him.]

REX (V.O., through punching Mitch): Maybe all the bruises I’ve collected over the last few days are starting to affect my mood! I start taking out my anger on Mitch. He’s capable of defending himself, and nine times out of ten this would be a fair fight.   

MITCH: Hey, what– EEK–!

REX (V.O.): Today, I’m not havin’ any. Tony Solerno’s gorilla laying me out, Lieutenant Burke’s hammer to my jaw at the police station, the cops’ love tap yesterday at the Scalati’s place. I’m tired of being other people’s punching bag. 

MITCH: Knock it off, Rivetter!

REX (V.O., seething with anger): Mitch nearly trips over a wino as he backs away from me. The guy grabs his paper-wrapped bottle and skitters down the alley on all fours. I almost feel sorry for him; he’s just trying to sleep one off. In the back of my mind I hear footsteps coming up on me and– don’t stop. I’m not me; I’m watching some schlub in a brown suit smacking a middle-aged soda jerk around in a back alley. Who knows what he’s done, but he prob’ly deserves it. We all deserve it. 

[SFX - Mitch grunts. Something impacts flesh. Music swells.]

Sharp pain explodes in the back of my skull and rushes through the rest of me. My knees buckle, and the world goes black. Last thing I see is the man in the green fedora, laughing. 

[SFX - Muffled, echoed laughter. Marching footsteps.]

It’s May, 1944. We’re in a camp outside of some Polish town I can’t pronounce. Red and I staged a boxing match as a diversion so some Canadian officer named Patterson can escape. Afterward I can’t tell which beating hurts worse — the one I got from the nineteen-year-old Scotsman or the one from the camp guards. Spent a few weeks and solitary getting half-rations, and getting questioned afterward by some German with shiny boots. I’m sure he told me his name, but I don’t recall. He hits like my sister.

MITCH: Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

REX (out of it): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter, er… Sergeant. Serial number 32307051.

MITCH: He’s gone off his rocker! How hard didya hit ‘im, Johnson?

JOHNSON: Not that hard. 

[SFX - Metal scuffs on floor.]

MITCH: Alright, that’s enough Rivetter. Playtime is over. 

REX: Did I get pinched? Why am I in these clothes, and… who is this guy and… why is he dressed like a soda–

MITCH: Alright, the lights seem to be comin’ back on. Let’s check who’s at home. [SFX - flashlight clicks on.] Hello, Rex. Remember me?

REX: Jerk.

JOHNSON: Heh, he remembers you alright.

MITCH: Watch it, wise ass. 

REX (V.O.): It’s coming back through the haze. Mitch, the guy pretending to be somebody he’s not. There’s a lot of that. Faces flash through my head like a high-speed movie reel. Bennett, the guy who hired me to find out if… Scalati and his wife, Anthony Solerno, the gardener…

REX: Mitch. You’re the soda jerk.

MITCH: I prefer Special Agent.

REX: Alright. Special Agent Jerk.

JOHNSON: [SFX - He laughs.]

MITCH: Hey Johnson, why don’t you take a walk?

JOHNSON: I’ll be outside if he gets too much for ‘ya.

MITCH: He’s cuffed to the chair – I think I can handle him.

JOHNSON: I was talkin’ to Rivetter.

[SFX - Loud boom as door closes.]

MITCH: Alright Mr. Rivetter, let’s talk.

REX: Am I under arrest for something?

MITCH: We’ll see.

REX: You’re no cop. What’s with the bracelets?

[SFX - Handcuffs jingle.]

MITCH: Just a precaution. You got a little violent. What? No witty retort?

REX: I’m saving it for later. So, you’re no cop. You said you were a Special Agent? A Fed?

MITCH: That’s right! Give the man a Kewpie doll. 

REX: I’ll settle for two aspirin tablets and the handcuff keys.

MITCH: We’ll see. Do you know what the penalty is for striking a Federal officer?

REX: A Kewpie doll?

MITCH: Not quite. Ten years in the Federal Penitentiary.

REX: Hm, I’d rather have the Kewpie doll.

MITCH: Undoubtedly. Sadly, I don’t think you have much choice in the matter. However, if you cooperate by telling me what you know about the Scalati murder, I might be able to work out something with my superior. 

REX: And they say you Feds don’t have a sense of humor. 

MITCH: Is that what they say?

REX: Not really, but I didn’t strike a Federal Agent. I punched a waiter in a pie shop. For your charge to stick, you would’ve had to identify yourself first. 

MITCH: Taking some night courses to become a lawyer, are we?

REX: I read it in a comic book somewhere.

MITCH: You’re a funny guy, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: So I keep hearing! 

MITCH: Look, Rivetter. I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I work for the government. I’m one of the good guys. 

REX: Well, then it’s settled I guess. A representative of the government would never lie, right?

MITCH: You’re not the most trusting guy I’ve ever met. Let’s try this another way, huh? We’re working the same case, you and me. Johnson said you paid a little visit to Mrs. Scalati. Why don’t you tell me what you found out and then we’ll go our separate ways?

REX: Golly gee G-man, that sounds swell! Maybe if I cooperate I can get one of those nifty Special Agent decoder rings! 

MITCH: Well I could dump ‘ya in a dark hole, or maybe someone in Washington would be interested to know you’re a communist sympathizer. 

REX (V.O.): Images of the Hollywood Ten and picketers outside my office. Shattered glass, shattered lives run through my head. I don’t doubt Special Agent Mitch would carry out his threat. Sometimes to get along, you have to go along. 

REX: Alright, Mitch. Take off these bracelets and I’ll tell ‘ya everything I know. [SFX - Mitch gets up. Handcuffs loosen.] I would imagine you know as much as I do about this case. Vincent Scalati got himself iced. Whether it was because of the mob of some schmo that didn’t wanna pay up, or because his wife and the gardener are gonna use the dough to set up shop somewhere is anybody’s guess.

MITCH: Wait, gardener? What gardener?

REX: Luca, the Scalatis’ gardener? 5’7”, weighs in at about buck forty? Italian? Ringing any bells?

MITCH: Rivetter, the Scalati’s don’t have a gardener. Mr. Scalati did all the dirty work around that house. 

REX (appalled): What?

MITCH: Sure. We got all kinds of photos of them all over the place, digging holes, planting begonias… 

REX: Peonias. (Italian name for Peonies)

MITCH: What?

REX (getting quieter as he puzzles it): Peonias. “The rose without thorns.” In Italy they’re the symbol of… discretion. Cut straight from Mrs. Scalati’s wedding bouquet. 

MITCH: What are you going on about, Rivetter?

REX: You say you got photos of Scalati, any of them recent?

MITCH: Sure, somewhere in here… here we go! This one was taken about a week before the shooting. 

REX: 5’7”, 140 pounds…

MITCH: Yeah, he’s dropped some weight. Seems his wife can’t cook.

REX: “Can’t cook worth a damn.” [SFX - He scoffs.] Well, I’ll be.

[SFX - Metal scrapes on floor as Rex gets up. Footsteps. Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

MITCH: Wanna clue me in on what you’re goin’ on about?

REX: Call your boss. Tell ‘im to send some guys over to the Scalati house – you’re about to solve your case, and I’m about to save my client a sweet lot of cash. 

REX (V.O.): Before I even get out the door, the G-man is on the horn. Call it ego if you want, but I’m dying to see the face on Vincent and Carmen Scalati when they find out their scheme has come unraveled.

[SFX - Door closes. Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[Whimsical music starts.]

[Greg and Randy 2016 Audioverse Award plug.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]   

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.] 

REX (V.O.): Vincent Scalati got ‘imself in over his head with the Italians. There was no way out of it for him and his pretty bride, so they cooked up a plan to disappear. Vincent took out an insurance policy on himself and paid extra for a Triple Indemnity Clause if an “accident” should befall him. They figured an armed robbery gone wrong would do the trick, and it almost did. If Tony Solerno hadn’t overheard them talking, if I hadn’t seen the before-and-after photos of Vincent Scalati, if I hadn’t heard from several people that Carmen Scalati couldn’t cook worth a damn, which forced Vincent to take his wife out for dinner and dancing instead of staying at home… a little exercise will do wonders for a man’s girth. The minute I pull up to the Scalati’s place in Bel Air I can already tell something is not right. There are two cars in the driveway: Carmen’s red deSoto and a chariot I’ve never seen before, but the guy standing next to it is a different story. Mickey, one of Tony Solerno’s gunsels. I recall now: I owe him a beating. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

MICKEY: ‘Ey! I know you. Ain’t you that Private Dick? 

[SFX - Mickey laughs wickedly.]

REX: I don’t like being called that.

[SFX - Rex punches Mickey. Mickey's falls to the ground.]

REX (V.O.): Hopefully he’s better with his gun. The kid’s got a glass jaw. He falls in a heap like last week’s laundry. I should prob’ly take his Roscoe, but I gotta move fast now. Who knows what’s happening inside. Last thing I need now is to–

[SFX - Gunshot from afar. Music swells.]

That came from inside the house! 

[SFX - Footsteps on gravel. Wood breaks as Rex slams the door down. Music swells.]

It was like looking through a warped peephole. Yesterday at about this time I was standing inside the Scalatis’ living room. Mrs. Scalati and I had wrestled for a gun and it went off. Few seconds later a mysterious shadow burst through the front door. He stood where no light touched him and watched as Carmen and I tried to recover from the intrusion. Now it was my turn. Anthony Solerno stood where I had, but he wasn’t wrestling with Carmen. This time it was Vincent Scalati on the ground. They were unarmed and it was Carmen that held the gun. (quietly) Carmen Scalati, as beautiful as she was dangerous. Although, apparently not as dangerous with a gun. The looks on their faces was priceless!

SOLERNO (V.O.?): This looks like the cover of one of those pulp fiction magazines: a nice house, a finely-dressed woman with a smoking gun in her hand, two men fighting, and a shadowy figure in the doorway. All we need now is a catchy title like… [SFX - Music stinger.]

REX (V.O.): Can it, Solerno! I did that joke yesterday! 

SOLERNO (quieter than usual, surprised for once): Mr. Rivetter. You show up at the most unusual places.

REX: It’s a gift. I also get double my green stamps at the Piggly Wiggly.

CARMEN: Mr. Rivetter, you must help me! This man has broken into my home, and attacked me. If it hadn’t been for Luca, there’s no telling what–!

SOLERNO: I was merely attempting to broker a deal for the shop on–

LUCA: (???) deja vu!

REX: Close your heads, all of you!! That’s better. Now, if yesterday is any indication, we have less than five minutes to get this all sorted out before the cops get here.

SOLERNO: I do not wish to have any entanglements with the police. 

CARMEN: They will never believe the story, again about how–

LUCA: (???)

REX: I said quiet! I oughta shoot the lot of you, just on general principle. 

CARMEN: You wouldn’t!

REX: You willing to bet on that? What about you, Luca?? You understand wagering. What would you put the odds at that I wouldn’t just ventilate the three of you and go about the rest of my day? 

LUCA??: Not. Very. High. 

CARMEN: [SFX - she gasps.]

[Music swells.]

REX: Not very high at all. Tony Solerno, meet Vincent Scalati. 

CARMEN (alarmed): No!!

[Music swells again.]

REX: Vincent Scalati, Anthony Solerno.

VINCENT (slowly, surprised): How did you know?

REX: It was a lot of little things, but the first were these ribbons up here on your mantle. What kind of gardening club gives away awards to someone that has a full time weed-whacker? That got me to thinking that maybe Luca was more than just your hired help. Then it was the weight loss, and how genuinely in love Carmen here seemed to be with her late husband, and yet there were no tears when she talked about you. And she’d picked up with the gardener pretty quick! It just… didn’t add up.

SOLERNO (genuinely proud): Well done, Mr. Rivetter! I had never met Mr. Scalati, until now.

REX: There’s just one thing that bothers me: who was the stiff?

VINCENT: The stiff–?

REX: Sure, you had to have a body for the coroner’s report. Someone for Carmen to go down to police headquarters to identify. Who was he?

VINCENT: Oh, of course. He was a hobo, Mr. Rivetter. A boozehound by the name of Walston. I found him in the alley behind my shop. Quite often drunk. But one night, he didn’t wake up when I shook him. It was like… a godsend. I’d been looking for someone to rob my store and kill me, but… the few people I talked to thought I was joking, or I was trying to set them up. When I was taking out my trash that night and saw Sammy’s body, well… I called Carmen and told her what I was going to do. It took some persuading, but she agreed to play the… dutiful wife, and then collect the insurance. Then we could leave this place – we could leave the… family behind. I want to make it very clear: Carmen. Knew. Nothing. About my plan. She is innocent. 

REX: Innocent might be stretching it a bit.

CARMEN (saddened): So what are you going to do now?

REX: I’m going to let the authorities take over. The Feds have been watching Vincent for a while now. I expect he’ll do some time, and… so will you.

VINCENT: Please, Mr. Rivetter, I will take any punishment coming to me, but I beg you: let my wife go?

CARMEN: No, amore mio, we are in this together. We began this journey as husband and wife, so we will see it to the end. 

VINCENT: Oh, my beloved–

[SFX - Something crashes into the house. Music swells.]

REX (V.O.): I’m so focused on the scene in front of me that I don’t notice Solerno’s gunsel Mickey come up behind me. One of his eyes is swollen from the chin music I played for him outside. He’s wobbly, and mad. Not a good combination.

[SFX - Gun cocks. Sirens are quiet in the distance.]

SOLERNO: MICKEY, NO!!

[SFX - Three gunshots.]

CARMEN: [SFX - She exclaims.]

VINCENT or REX or SOLERNO or MICKEY: [SFX - Outcry of pain.]

REX (V.O.): We lay down a little Chicago lightning right there in the Scalati’s living room. Somehow, I escape unharmed. I can’t say the same for the gunsel, or Vincent Scalati. 

VINCENT: [SFX - He groans in pain.]

CARMEN (through sobbing): Sei la mia vita. Sei il mio amore, cuore mio.

[SFX (behind Rex’s monologue) - Carmen sobbing. Sirens fade in. Music shifts to calm guitar, then it fades out. Carmen’s sobbing fades back in.]

REX (V.O.): I can see at least three perforations. Vincent Scalati isn’t going to make it. He bleeds out right there on the rug before anyone can get a croaker on the horn. There’s nothing anyone can do. It’s a shame, really. Carmen and Vincent Scalati were… as deep in it as any two people I’ve ever met. They married as strangers, and somehow found a way to make the journey through their lives together work. There aren’t three couples in a hundred who could do that. I wonder what Vincent would’ve put the odds at. It’s like Carmen said: theirs was a love story, just not a fairytale. They say their goodbyes, and Carmen holds him until the cops have to pry them apart. She wails, and at one point it takes three uniforms to keep her from jumping on the gurney they use to wheel Vincent away. Italian women (???). I get the third degree from several of L.A.’s finest, but I’m in no mood for games, so I tell ‘em what I know. I came over to speak to Mrs. Scalati again about her husband’s murder, while I was there, some palooka burst in and started firing at us. I told ‘em he was speaking Italian and all I caught was that he was jealous about her and the gardener Luca. Alright, maybe I am in the mood for a little game. Anthony must’ve played the clean sneak, because I don’t see him anywhere around. No doubt I’ll find him scurrying around in the tin cans in my alley some night. But that’s a problem for another day. Miraculously, Carmen and I aren’t taken in for questioning. The cops grilled her, and she gave her answer from behind a lifeless haze. The detectives must’ve bought it. After all, her husband really was a goner this time. Maybe Mitch called off the dogs. Feds thought Vince was dead, and now he is. I’ll have lots of paperwork to fill out and I’ll have to explain how a gumshoe like me figured it out before they did. Maybe they’ll let this one go. In any case, it’s the end of an assignment, and I hadn’t gone to jail once! The wonders never cease.

CARMEN (less animated): So, what will you do now, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: I’ll file my report with Mr. Bennett. You should have the money in no time. 

CARMEN: The money?

REX: Way I see it, your husband was killed, in an accident. He was shot, just like the coroner’s report said. It just happened a few days… later. Nothing can bring Vincent back, Mrs. Scalati, and no amount of money will make the pain go away, but you sitting in a jail cell isn’t gonna solve anything either. ‘Sides, Transmutual isn’t hurting for money. Whatever they lose in this case they’ll more than make up for in the next one. Capitalism’s great that way. 

CARMEN: But… where will I go?

REX: Away from here, Mrs. Scalati. Far away from here. 

[SFX - Calm guitar fades out. Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. Engine rumbles.]

REX (V.O.): Carmen Scalati is kneeling in her garden as I pull away from her house on Chalon. The sun has set and it’s started to rain. As my headlights flash across her garden, I can see her kneeling in front of the flowers that Vincent nurtured to grow from cuttings of their wedding bouquet. Her back is to me, but her shoulders convulse from crying. Her words echo through me again. “Our’s was a love story, just not a fairytale.” Sure, Vincent Scalati was a bookie for the mob, but he did it to make a home for his wife. Some folks just don’t get a break. 

There’s a bottle of Sunnybrook back in my office callin’ my name. I plan on getting good and drunk. And waking up sometime next year. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye starred Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), and featured Charles Peters, Charley Miller, Kurt (???), Tyler Jiles, Rachel Bishop, Steve Murdock, Nick Young, James Steinburg, and Dave Rivas. It was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It was produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Jenny McIntosh: Girl Friday

Episode 10: A Case of Triple Indemnity (Part 4)

Note: Items with (???) are open for feedback

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Jenny McIntosh: Girl Friday. And now ladies and gentlemen: Jenny McIntosh: Girl Friday in Part Four of A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw plays.]

JENNY (V.O.): The name is McIntosh. Jenevieve McIntosh. Certificate number 3104, issued by the Katharine Gibbs School of Business. Occupation: Girl Friday. I don’t really like that term, Girl Friday. What do they think I do the other four days of the week? I moved from the East Coast a few years back and work for a fella named Rivetter in Los Angeles now. Oh, he’s a lug, but he’s got a good heart. I think he’d do just about anything for me, and that’s somethin’ a girl can stand behind. Rex is off working some insurance case. Normally I wouldn’t leave him alone without a way to contact me, but it’s a pretty clear-cut deal. Some guy got himself killed and his wife is hounding the insurance company for the payoff. Nothing he can’t handle. Besides, I had to take some time off to… run an errand. I’m at the train station, waiting for my sister. She’s visiting from back home in New Jersey, the Garden State? It’s perfect for her, she’s a little prickly. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, but we’re not little girls riding Deno’s Wonder Wheel anymore. Although, by the look of Antoinette as she gets off the train, she’s still playing dress-up.

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw ends.]

CONDUCTOR (calling out): Board!! Tickets please! Tickets please!!

[SFX - Train whooshing past. Bell ringing.]

JENNY (V.O.): It takes three porters, two trips to get all of my little sister’s bags over to my car. Packing light is not one of Antoinette’s strong suits.

PORTER 1: There you go, ma’am. Will there be anything else?

ANTOINETTE: Y’gotta put ‘em in the trunk. They ain’t gonna jump in there themselves.

PORTER 2: Hah, ‘course, ma’am!

ANTOINETTE: Sheesh, something about the sun out here. Think it fries your noodle.

JENNY: Antoinette, be nice! They’re working for a living.

ANTOINETTE: So? Let ‘em work! Who’s stoppin’ ‘em?

PORTER 2: There you are ma’am! Will there be anything else?

ANTOINETTE: Didja get everything in there?

PORTER 2: Yes ma’am!

ANTOINETTE: Then that’s it.

JENNY (sternly): Y’gotta tip him!

ANTOINETTE (not caring): Oh, right. [SFX - Coins jingle.] Here y’go, thanks.

PORTER 1: A whole dime! There were six bags, ma’am.

ANTOINETTE: And I think y’scuffed one of ‘em.

PORTER 2: Yes ma’am. Thank you, ma’am! 

PORTER 1: We didn’t scuff no bags! 

PORTER 2: Thank you, ma’am! Very sorry, ma’am! That’ll be fine! Let’s go Rudy—

[SFX - Jenny grabs money out of her pocket.]

JENNY: Hold up! Here, y’gotta excuse my sister. She’s been on a train for a couple’a days and she’s tired.

PORTER 1: Well thank you, ma’am, thank you very much.

ANTOINETTE: What’dya do that for!?

JENNY: You were bein’ rude.

ANTOINETTE: I was bein’ frugal. You don’t have to! JENNY: This ain’t New Jersey. This is Los Angeles – they got actual movie stars out here. 

ANTOINETTE: So? Maybe I’m Mrs. (???). 

JENNY: Oh, you’ve been out here two minutes and already you’re married. Again.

ANTOINETTE: Well, at least I got married. Again. 

CONDUCTOR (calling out): This’ll be the last call for Train 307 to San Francisco!! All aboard!!

ANTOINETTE: I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.

JENNY: No, it’s fine. Let’s go.

[SFX - Car doors open.] 

JENNY (V.O.): Y’gotta understand, I love my sister. We’re just not kids anymore.

[SFX - Train whistles and whooshes off. Train bell dings. Car engine rumbles. Cuts to radio playing Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw.] 

JENNY (V.O.): After our brother went off to war, I was the oldest. I had to make sure my sister got dressed and ready for school, I did the cooking and the cleaning. Cuz’ during the war, Ma worked at a diner in downtown Fairhaven, while Dad toiled away at his tiny little law firm. He made a little bit of dough back in some case in ‘38, but never went too far after that. But I’m gettin’ off topic. I was lookin’ after my baby sister instead of enjoyin’ my freedom like all of my girlfriends. I guess I’ve been looking after her ever since. Antoinette was always buggin’ me about why Mom wasn’t around like she used to be. I tried to explain it to her several times, but you know those kids that no matter how many times you tell ‘em something they just never listen. That was Antoinette, in spades.

ANTOINETTE: So! How’re things?

JENNY: Good! Yeah, things are good.

ANTOINETTE: You still workin’ for that guy? What’s his name… Stapler?

JENNY: Rivetter. Rex Rivetter, and you know that. 

ANTOINETTE: Yeah, but I like to rasp your berries.

JENNY (V.O.): Antoinette, the baby of the family, Daddy’s favorite. Sometimes I could kill her.

ANTOINETTE: We should go to The Brown Derby. 

JENNY: What?

ANTOINETTE: We should go to The Brown Derby for lunch! We should go to The Brown Derby. 

JENNY: The Derby? Where’d you hear about–

ANTOINETTE: Lucy went there when she came out to Hollywood!

JENNY: Lucy?

ANTOINETTE: Sure! Her and Ricky and the Murtzes all came out to Hollywood last month and she ate at The Brown Derby and she met William Holden and—

JENNY: Antoinette! You know that ain’t real, right?

ANTOINETTE: The Brown Derby? Sure it’s real, I read it–!

JENNY: No, the Derby’s real, but that show! It’s not real, it’s just made up! It’s what they do here?

ANTOINETTE: I know it’s not real! What do you think, I’m stupid? Jeez, you’re startin’ already.

JENNY: Startin’? Startin’ what?

ANTOINETTE: I’ve been here five minutes and you’re startin’ in on the big sister routine already.

JENNY (offended): What “big sister routi–” 

ANTOINETTE: My whole life you’ve been acting like you’re my mom or somethin’.

JENNY: Well maybe if you didn’t act like you– 

ANTOINETTE: I came all the way out here to visit you and all I wanna do is see a movie star or somethin’. You live here, it prob’ly ain’t no big deal to you. You walk down the street and there’s Cary Grant! You prob’ly live next door to Audrey Hepburn or Jimmy Stewart or somethin', but I’m married to a guy that runs the ice cream counter at the Rexall in Hoboken. I need some excitement, Jenevieve! Before I’m too old to…

JENNY (V.O.): She lets it hang there, like the last bulb in a darkened room. It swings slowly, lighting one corner and then the other, but never the whole room at once. Tony’s always been afraid of getting old, of missin’ out. I can’t blame ‘er, I guess. She’s been through a lot. 

JENNY: Look, The Derby’s a little pricey, but I tell ya what: we can grab somethin’ at Schwab’s, you’ll like that! 

ANTOINETTE: Schwab’s? What’s that, some kinda deli?

JENNY: No, it’s a– it’s a drugstore on Sunset. 

ANTOINETTE: A drugstore? I want a Coke float, I can have Jerry make me one in Hoboken.

JENNY: This ain’t no Rexall! You never heard of Schwab’s?

ANTOINETTE: It’s a drugstore, right? What, they got some special kinda mascara or hot water bottles or somethin’? Oh yeah, I just rode across the country for a week–

JENNY: It’s where Lana Turner got discovered.

ANTOINETTE (intrigued now): Lana Turner? Are you serious?

JENNY: Would I kid you?

ANTOINETTE: Schwab’s. They got a BLT there? I’m starvin’.

JENNY: So. Schwab’s it is. Oh god, I hope there’s nobody famous there. 

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise swells and ends.]

[Whimsical music starts.]

[Greg and Randy 2016 Audioverse Award plug.]

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Jenny McIntosh: Girl Friday in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise plays.]

JENNY (V.O.): We didn’t have to wait that long for a seat at the counter. We ordered a couple of sandwiches, but I don’t think Antoinette touches hers. We barely even talk. 

[SFX - Cha-Ching!]

JENNY: Why didn’t I think of this place before?

ANTOINETTE: Is that John Wayne?

JENNY (quickly): No. So how is Ma?

ANTOINETTE: Ah, she’s Ma. You know how she is. The bank’s never right, the guy at the market is cheatin’ her, Mr. Vanderhall is peepin’ on her… oh my god is that Montgomery Clift?!

JENNY: No. So what about her health?

ANTOINETTE: Eh, she’s as strong as a horse! She’ll outlive us both. I think that’s Deborah Kerr!

JENNY: Where?

ANTOINETTE: Sittin’ over there with the guy you said wasn’t Alan Ladd!

JENNY: Now why would Deborah Kerr be sitting with someone that isn’t Alan Ladd?

ANTOINETTE: I don’t know! Maybe it is Alan Ladd! 

JENNY: He’s not Alan Ladd and she’s not Deborah Kerr.

ANTOINETTE: How do you know?

JENNY (quickly): Because Alan Ladd only comes in on Tuesdays. Come on, let's go. 

ANTOINETTE: Well, maybe he’s confused. Hey, wait up!

JENNY (V.O.): We drive over to my place. Mr. Ballesteros from across the hall helps us lug the luggage inside. He eyeballs my sister, and for once, she doesn’t make a scene. She must be exhausted.

[SFX - Door closes.]

ANTOINETTE: I’m gonna take a bath, d’ya mind?

JENNY: You know I got a shower.

ANTOINETTE: Yeah, but I wanna take a bath! It relaxes me—

[SFX - Water starts running.]

JENNY: Alright, alright. Take a bath. Now where’s my purse? I gotta go to work for a bit, but I’ll be back in a couple hours and we’ll all go out to dinner.

ANTOINETTE: Who? 

JENNY: You and me and Rex and a client. Some fella named Breslow. Rex knew ‘im in the war. 

ANTOINETTE: It’s on the chair. Is he married?

JENNY: Would it stop you if he were? Aw, thanks. Now where’d I put my keys? My number’s on the desk by the door and there’s a phone down the hall. You need some change?

ANTOINETTE: That’s why I came out here. 

JENNY: What? 

ANTOINETTE: For some change! They’re in the kitchen.

[SFX - Keys jingle.]

JENNY: Oh, here they are. Now, there’s stuff in the fridge if you’re hungry. Make sure you eat!

ANTOINETTE: We just ate! Besides, we’re goin’ out for dinner, right?

JENNY: With a client! I don’t want him thinkin’ we’re pigs. Look like Rex don’t pay me enough. 

ANTOINETTE: Does he?

JENNY: He does the best he can. And things are lookin’ up! Just please, Antoinette, please behave tonight?

ANTOINETTE: Alright, alright, I’ll be on my best behavior, I pinky swear. 

JENNY: And don’t wander off! Los Angeles is a big city; I don’t want you gettin’ lost. 

ANTOINETTE: I can’t get lost (???)! If I can handle Brooklyn, I can handle Hollywood. Maybe I’ll go see a movie. 

JENNY: This ain’t Hollywood, it-it’s Huntington Park! Just stay inside today and get some rest. There’ll be time for exploring later. 

[SFX - Door closes. Car engine start.]

JENNY (V.O.): I don’t really have to go back to the office, but sometimes my sister can be a bit much. Everybody’s got those relatives that you’re glad don’t live next door. Now if I thought my sister actually came out here to visit me, maybe it would be different. The drive to the office only takes about twenty minutes. I must’ve hit all the green lights, so I get there a few minutes after four. Must be my lucky day. 

[SFX - Car door shuts. Heelsteps. Entrance bell rings. Elevator whirs. Heelsteps. Keys jingling. Uneasy music starts.]

JENNY (V.O.): The office door is open a crack. I was sure I locked it when I left; if Rex finds out he’ll murder me. But as I get closer I can hear voices from inside.

SOLERNO (muffled): Shoot, my love! Shoot these bastards! Kill them so we can get out of here!

JENNY (V.O.): I grab the thermos from my desk and fly into Rex’s office, swinging!

REX: Look out, Angel!

[Music swells.]

SOLERNO: Ms. McIntosh, I presume. 

REX: Careful there, let's not get a head full of bad ideas. 

JENNY: Rex, are you alright?! What’s going on??

REX: Nothin’ serious, Angel! Meet An— an informant! 

JENNY: An informant? He got a name?

SOLERNO: I would prefer to remain… anonymous, at this time, if it is all the same.

REX: We’ll call ‘im… Sonny, for now. 

JENNY (V.O.): Wh-what’s goin’ on? I heard him tell someone to shoot–!

REX: Oh, it’s alright, Angel. Sonny here was just relating a story to me, something he heard earlier. Isn’t that right, Sonny?

SOLERNO: Indeed. But perhaps this is not the time. 

REX: Nonsense. I’ve got very few secrets from her. Have a seat. [SFX - Chair scoots out.] Finish your tale. 

SOLERNO: Very well, Mr. Rivetter. Provided Ms. McIntosh promises to… holster her weapon. 

REX: Alright, Angel. Why don’t you put down your coffee can in there and pour us some drinks. 

SOLERNO: As I was saying, that is a direct translation of what Mrs. Scalati was telling her gardener.

REX: “My love,” huh? “Kill them so we can get out of here.” Maybe Mrs. Scalati isn’t grieving as much at her husband’s passing as she lets on.

SOLERNO: It would seem. 

REX: So, tell me: how did you get involved in all of this?

SOLERNO: Mr. Scalati used to work for… an associate of my employer. He helped with some… sporting issues.

REX: He was a bookie.

SOLERNO: Your words, Mr. Rivetter. Not mine. 

REX: So, that explains the robbery. There wasn’t much at his shop that was worth stealing. I can’t imagine he would’ve had much dough on ‘im from selling trinkets. 

SOLERNO: His other business was not doing well either. The word is he may have been keeping some of the profits for himself. 

REX: Skimming. That’s what they got Luciano for, am I right?

SOLERNO: I really would not know about such things. However,I also heard that he wanted out of the business.

REX: Lucky Luciano?

SOLERNO (deadpan): Mr. Scalati. 

REX: He wasn’t a lifetime guy. 

SOLERNO: No. His addition to the family came only a few years ago. It is rumored that he needed money to book passage from Italy for a young lady. 

REX: Mrs. Scalati.

SOLERNO: Indeed, though they were not yet married at the time. 

REX: Now she’s makin’ time with the gardener.

SOLERNO: So it would appear. [SFX - Jenny brings in cups.] Thank you, my dear, but sadly I must take my leave of you both now.[SFX - Chair wheels roll on floor.] I need to make a telephone call. My employer will want to know how things went with young Mrs. Scalati, and he is a man that does not like to be kept waiting. 

REX: Well, we wouldn’t want him to be upset, would we? So long, Sonny. See you ‘round. 

SOLERNO: Mr. Rivetter. Ms. McIntosh.

[SFX - Door closes.]

JENNY: Wow boss, you really got yourself into a pickle! 

REX: Maybe. 

JENNY: Y’think that Scalati dame killed her husband?

REX (thinking deeply): I’m not sure what to think. I do know this much: something about her story doesn’t add up. She comes all the way from Europe to marry Scalati. But maybe once she gets here she finds out he’s not quite the man she thought he was. He works long hours, or maybe she gets a little lonely. The gardener is decent looking enough. He’s in better shape than her hubby, they’re both Italian, who knows? Maybe she convinced the gardener to knock off Vincent so they could collect the insurance money and ride off into the sunset. 

JENNY: Well it sure sounds familiar. Like one of those movies.

REX: Yeah, that’s the trouble. It fits together a little too… easy. Which means I’m probably way off base. 

JENNY (V.O.): Rex is like that sometimes. He’ll have a perfectly good answer right in front of him, but it isn’t good enough for him. He always has to look for somethin’ else. Something more meaningful, I guess. It happens in cases, it… happens in a lotta things. 

JENNY: So what’s our next move?

REX: “Ours?” Weren’t you supposed to be taking the afternoon off? Where’s your sister?

JENNY: Oh, she’s at my place, takin’ a bath. Are you gonna confront Mrs. Scalati about the affair?

REX: Not yet. I’ll let her… stew for a while. Think she’s getting away with something. Besides, I’m still not convinced that there isn’t more to it. 

JENNY: Well what about a suit?

REX: What?

JENNY: Your friend said you need a different suit. Maybe that black one ya got! Change shirts too, that one’s got somethin’ on the collar. Lipstick, Mr. Rivetter??

REX: Blood, Angel. But don’t worry, it was mine.

JENNY: Blood?! 

REX: Eh, just a little scuffle and a love tap from a uniform at the Scalati place. Nuthin’ I couldn’t handle. 

JENNY (caring): Rex…

REX: Don’t worry. [SFX - Drawer closes.] I’ll go home and change and I’ll meet you girls at Torintino’s.

JENNY: Alright. [SFX - Chair wheels.] We’ll be there right at seven o’clock.

REX: Um, why don’t you make it half-past? That will give a chance for my old friend Abe and I a chance to catch up. 

JENNY: You’re the boss. But Rex? Please be careful. 

REX: You’re a good girl, Jenny. 

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw starts.]

JENNY (V.O.): When I get back to my apartment, Antoinette is already trying on dresses. It never ceases to amaze me how that girl gets anywhere on time. But with some prodding and a few threats, we get to the restaurant at about a quarter to eight. The boys look anxious to see us, like we’re rescuing both of them from each other’s company. We order some drinks, and before I can even get a compliment on my hair, Antoinette is dancing with Abe Breslow. As they pass by the table, I can hear snippets of conversation. [Sweet saxophone music plays.] I’m still not sure who’s got who hooked, but my money’s on my sister. 

[SFX - Ice clinking in glasses.]

BRESLOW: Antoinette and Jenevieve. Wow, very exotic. 

ANTOINETTE: Yeah, our mom is French. 

BRESLOW: But your last name is McIntosh. Was your dad from Scotland or something?

ANTOINETTE: My last name is Cordovado, least for a couple more weeks, then it goes back to Brown, after the divorce is final. My sister? Now that’s another story. 

JENNY (V.O.): So that’s why she came out here. She’s getting divorced again. I’m not sure which she was trying to get away from more: the wrath of Father Dunn, or Ma. Torintino’s is one ‘a those family-type Italian places with pictures of the customers on the wall. The waitresses are all exotic lookin’ dames; kinda dressed up for a joint like this. But who can figure out folks in Hollywood? They’re probably all hopin’ to get discovered. Rex is lookin’ at some of the photos. He seems to be engrossed in one in particular. So I head over to see who it is. Dean Martin? Sinatra? One of those mob guys that are in the papers? No, it’s just some chunky guy and his wife. Well, she’s pretty. Maybe that’s what he’s lookin’ at. She’s got that olive complexion, dark hair. Me? I got freckles. I don’t like ‘er. 

REX: You know who that is?

JENNY: Some movie star?

REX: Carmen Scalati. I saw a picture of them at her house today. 

JENNY: The dame that killed her husband? Is that him?

REX: That’s him, I’m pretty sure. Although he was fatter in the picture I saw earlier. The waitress says they used to come in here all the time. Mrs. Scalati, for all her charms, can’t cook worth a damn. 

JENNY: Huh, no kiddin’! Well Mr. Scalati don’t look like he’s missin’ any meals. 

REX: It’s an old picture from last year. The waitress said after the wedding he started losing a lot of weight. 

JENNY: An Italian that can’t cook? Who knew!

REX: I’m sure she has her… (quietly) other qualities. 

JENNY: I just bet she does.

[SFX - Dance music ends. Patrons clap. Ice clinking. Liquid pouring. Glasses clinking. ]

JENNY (V.O.): The song ends, and Antoinette and Abe head back over to the table. Rex and I join them, but it’s like we’re not even there. We have a quick bite, and Abe invites my sister for some after-dinner drinks at a spot called Siro’s. He promises her she’ll see stars. I’m not sure they’re talkin’ about the same thing. But she’s a big girl. I have to remember she can take care of herself. I just hope Mr. Breslow doesn’t try to go too far. Like I said before, my sister can be a little… prickly. Rex says he’s got some thinking to do, so I take my car back to my apartment like nothing was wrong. 

[SFX - Car engine rumbles.]

By the end of the week, our foursome would be a twosome. 

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Jenny McIntosh: Girl Friday stars Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh) and featured Jennifer McKenna (Antoinette Cordovado (Brown)), Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter), Steve Murdock (Anthony Solerno), Frank Remiatte (Abe Breslow), James Steinburg, and Dave Rivas. It was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It was produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Jenny McIntosh Theme ‘Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used with permission of Music Sales Corps. Jenny McIntosh is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. And be sure to join us next week, for the scintillating conclusion of A Case of Triple Indemnity. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Softly, As in A Morning Sunrise by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 9: A Case of Triple Indemnity (Part 3)

Note: I am not fluent in Italian, so feedback on the various (???)s is appreciated. What is there is what Google Translate tried to give me, so apologies if those aren't accurate as well.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in part three of A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. I’m working an insurance case that has me running all over town. Currently, I’m standing in the Bel Air living room of Carmen Scalati, the hopeful recipient of a close to a quarter-million dollar policy. She doesn’t know yet that I’m the guy that will decide if she gets the dough. I was trying to get some information from her about her husband’s death. Unfortunately, she had other ideas.  

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

She pulled a gun. I don’t like it when people shoot at me, I’m kinda funny that way. 

CARMEN: Let go of me!!!

[SFX - Music swells. Something falls to the ground.]

REX (V.O.): Well. That didn’t go like I planned. [SFX - Carmen crying.] Carmen Scalati lay on the floor of her living room, sobbing. She wasn’t hit, but there’s something about the sight of a woman crying that tears at a man’s soul. I couldn’t think about that now, the shot was loud enough to wake the dead. Some good samaritan neighbor would be on the horn to the cops in no time. And now there was a shadow standing where the front door used to be. 

REX: Why don’t you come inside? We weren’t expecting anyone, but Carmen here just put on a pot of coffee. Ain’t that right, sweetheart?

CARMEN: Go to hell!!

REX (V.O.): The late afternoon shadows play across the doorway. The figure they hide doesn’t move, but I can see a glint of steel [SFX - Gun cocks.] – whoever he is has a pistol pointed right at my breadbasket.

[SFX - Something explodes loudly. Music swells.]

Suddenly, a crash from the kitchen tells me Luca, the gardener, has busted in on our little party. [SFX - Shotgun cocks. Luca breathes heavily.] Someone’s gonna make a fortune remodeling this joint. Carmen must pay this guy for more than digging around in her begonias. He’s dirty, but well armed. His bead shifts from me to the figure in the door. His eyes are wild and he’s shaking a bit, but the shotgun he’s carrying would do the trick on me or the new man in our life. We look like the cover of one of those pulp fiction magazines. A nice house; a disheveled dame at my feet; and a roscoe in my hand, barrel still smoking; a crazy eyed gardener standing in the kitchen, and a shadowy figure in the doorway. All we need now is a catchy title like Triple Indemnity.

[Music stinger.]

It’s an insurance job, I told myself not three hours ago. It’ll be a cinch. All you have to do is make sure there’s nothing funny going on. The wife will get her dough and you can collect your fee for a couple days of rest and relaxation, I said. If I get out of this alive, remind me to have a stern talk with the voice in my head.

LUCA: Tutto bene, Signora Scalati?

CARMEN: Sto bene, Luca. Ti prego, non lasciarmi solo con questi uomini.

REX: English! 

LUCA: Io non ti lascio ma queste due uomini sono amati. Cosa posso fare?

CARMEN: Riesci a vedere uomo vicino alla porta?

REX: Say it in English!

LUCA: No. (???) de al interno. A buio. 

CARMEN: (???)

REX: Shut up, both of you!!

REX (V.O.): The room goes quiet, like the calm just before a storm. You can feel the electricity in the air, the building ready to discharge. I hear a fly buzzing around the large french doors that lead out to the back patio. The gardener’s breathing is like a freight train barreling through a sleepy little town at midnight. And all the while, the shadow in the doorway stands quiet, patient as the dead. I don’t speak Italian, but everything I need to know I got from the tone of their voices. Luca, the gardener, wants to know who to shoot first: me or the shadowy figure in the doorway. Carmen prob’ly told him to shoot both of us! Or wait until one of us shoots the other and then he could kill that one. The details don’t matter as much as the fact that it was unlikely any of us would be getting out of here alive. I imagine the inevitable arrival of the boys in blue: a quadruple homicide in Bel Air resulting in four graves and a thousand questions. I’m not quite ready to check out yet. So, I’ll have to handle this real cool. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Well boys, looks like we got ourselves a Mexican standoff. 

CARMEN: Spara, Luca. Spara questi bastardi. Uccidi, così potremmo uscire di qua.

REX: I said can it! Or Farmer Giseppe will be the first to catch lead and you’ll be number two, doll. And you, in the doorway, why don’t you step inside where I can get a good look at you.  

[Shifty harmonica starts.]

SOLERNO: I believe I will stay where I am for now, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: How do you know what–

REX (V.O.): The voice digs at my brain, while the clock ticks away precious seconds, each one bringing the cops closer. I wish I knew if that was a good thing or not. As Luca swings his shotgun from me to the stranger, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

REX: Anthony Solerno. 

SOLERNO: Mr. Rivetter. You flatter me!

REX (V.O.): Tony Solerno is a mid-level enforcer for a guy who prefers to stay out of the newspapers. I accidentally did a favor for his boss a few days ago. His appearance here could make things complicated. He steps out of the shadow, but his pistol stays trained on me. 

LUCA: E… L'uomo col completo ha detto che sarebbe il ritorno. E di qui, cosa devo fare?

CARMEN: Zitto, idiota. Parla italiano! Lui capisce quello che stai dicendo–

SOLERNO: Zitto! Tutti e due. E mamma e papà stanno parlando.

REX (V.O.): Mrs. Scalati and the gardener go silent.

REX: That’s a neat trick! Can you get him to roll over and fetch too?

SOLERNO: Mrs. Scalati’s gardener is feeling a little… anxious about all the guns. He would prefer you put yours down. Of course, we could always kill them. That would be quick.

REX: A little messy. Besides, how do I know once I do her, you won’t surprise me by adding a little lead to my diet?

SOLERNO: Thus we find ourselves in quite a predicament.

CARMEN: He’ll do it too! Do not trust him, Mr. Rivetter. He’s a killer!

REX: Care to elaborate?

CARMEN: That’s the bastardo that murdered my husband!

[Music swells.]

REX (V.O.): I’ve got to stop taking these “easy cases.”

SOLERNO: Mrs. Scalati. Perhaps we could discuss this reasonably. And in private. 

REX (V.O.): Carmen Scalati’s eyes grow even larger from fear. She looks from Anthony, to the gardener, and finally to me.

CARMEN: Shoot him.

REX (V.O.): Anthony levels his gun on Carmen, Luca aims the shotgun on Anthony, and I aim my .38 at Luca.

REX: [SFX - Rex sighs.] This is getting us nowhere, and the cops will be here any minute. 

REX (V.O.): Finally, Anthony breaks the stalemate. 

SOLERNO: I am going to lower my weapon. I would very much like you to do the same. Bene, Luca. Sto mettendo. Via la mia pistol. Non sei pericolo qui. I am not a danger to you or your employer.

REX (V.O.): Luca looks as wild-eyed as ever. The adrenaline is starting to get to him – I can see his hands begin to shake. 

LUCA: Cosa devo fare, Carmen? Se spalla un uomo col completo, quello con le apro marrone, ucciderà me, poi te!

REX (V.O.): Luca points the shotgun at Solerno, who raises his own pistol again and aims it at the gardener. The whole scene would be comical if it weren’t so deadly.

[SFX - Police sirens begin to fade in.]

Off in the distance I hear a siren. While the two Italians play chicken, I pick Carmen off the floor, and hold her close and hold her own pistol to her ribs. (Calmly) Her hair smells like vanilla.

LUCA: No! Per favore, non fare de male!

REX (V.O.): Luca shouts out something in Italian and drops the rifle. Anthony follows his lead. [SFX - Two guns fall on the floor.] Without guns pointing at me, I have a moment to think. 

SOLERNO: Alright, Mr. Rivetter. The police will arrive momentarily and I do not wish to be here when they do. I will take my leave, for now. There are some particulars about this matter that we should discuss, perhaps we should talk later at the club. 

REX: Mocambo’s? What kinda sucker do you take me for? Too many unfriendlies there. We can meet at a neutral spot: my office!

SOLERNO: Your office is not what I would consider neutral.

REX: Four o’clock. Take it or leave it.

SOLERNO: Very well, Mr. Rivetter. I will be at your office at four o’clock.

REX (V.O.): And with that, Anthony Solerno leaves. He doesn’t seem pleased, but I’ll have to worry about that later. 

LUCA: Devo uccidere il poliziotto? Sento le sirene? Se mi vendono con il fucile, cosa devo fare?

CARMEN: Non ancora, Luca. Vediamo cosa succederà.

REX: Alright, cut it out, both of you! You, Luca, hide the shotgun before the cops get here. Carmen, you’re gonna have to tell them it was an accident. The gun.. went off somehow, and Luca and I both busted in here afterwards. Stick to that story and we’ll all be fine.

CARMEN: Why should I?

REX: Because: I’m the only thing standing between you and Anthony Solerno.

[Whimsical music fades in. I’m not one to script the commercial break but Randy’s too funny in this one.]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RANDY COULL: Hi!! This is Randy Coull, the voice of Rex Rivetter.

GREG MCAFEE: And this is Greg McAfee of Downstairs Entertainment.

RANDY COULL: We are so grateful to all the fans who nominated me–

GREG MCAFEE: –and the rest of the cast and crew–

RANDY COULL: Right, them too… for the 2016 Audioverse Awards! Thank you so much!

GREG MCAFEE: The Audioverse Awards is an annual award show celebrating the best in free audio drama, and we’re thrilled to be a part of it. We need your help. The nomination period ends on September 30th, and then online voting begins!

RANDY COULL: The first round of voting will be open for two weeks to decide the finalist in each category. We would really appreciate it if you could take some time in the first two weeks of October and vote for me, Randy Coull–!

GREG MCAFEE: Randy??

RANDY COULL: What?? Oh, right… and the rest of the… 

GREG MCAFEE: Of-of our talented… 

RANDY COULL (belligerent): …Of our talented cast and crew… 

GREG MCAFEE: Good, good, good!!

RANDY COULL: And me!! Randy Coull!!

GREG MCAFEE: Stop talking now. 

RANDY COULL: I am stopping talking now!!!

GREG MCAFEE: You can vote by going to www.audioverseawards.net. And if you love audio drama like we do, there are a ton of categories and shows nominated. Vote for the ones you love, and take a listen to the ones you haven’t heard of yet!

RANDY COULL: When you voted, feel free to share that you did, and invite others to vote on– oh wait, hold it. [clears throat.] I know I can do this: “THE FACEBOOK” or “THE TWITTER”.

GREG MCAFEE: I do it better. 

RANDY COULL: Pft, sure. 

GREG MCAFEE: I do!

RHIANNON MCAFEE (distant): Boys, seriously.

RANDY COULL & GREG MCAFEE: Sorry, Rhiannon.

GREG MCAFEE: Once again, the website for voting is www.audioverseawards.net, and the voting is the first two weeks of October. Thank you so much for listening, and now back to the show.

RANDY COULL: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye… which is me, Randy Coull–!

GREG MCAFEE: Ok, look–

RANDY COULL: What?!

GREG MCAFEE: I wrote you!

RHIANNON MCAFEE (distant): Okay, boys, we’re done.

[More Randy and Greg shenanigans ensue.]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]   

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]   

[SFX - Sirens fade in. Car doors open and close. Footsteps.]

REX (V.O.): Carmen sends the gardener away, and we have just a few minutes alone before L.A.’s finest arrive. Neither of us trust the other, but working together seems to be the only thing that might keep us from going downtown in handcuffs. When the first officers show up, I’m still not convinced she won’t turn me in. 

REX: And that’s why we have a safety ma’am. You should always check to see if the gun is loaded before–

OFFICER 1: Hold it right there, mister! Drop the gun!

REX: Oh, hello off–!

OFFICER 2: You heard him, drop it!!

REX: Alright, don’t get your knickers in a twist.

OFFICER 1: Set the gun down on the coffee table real slow, mister.

OFFICER 2: That’s right, now move up against the wall!

[SFX - Door opens. Footsteps on broken glass.]

REX (V.O.): Luca comes back inside just in time for—

OFFICER 1: And you, in the kitchen, come out here real slow!

CARMEN: Vienni en salotta, Luca. Ma fallo lentamente. Questi americani sono pazzi con le pistole.

LUCA: Ma… non dovremmo lasciare qui restiamo quest'uomo. Se la portano vi potremmo uscire di qua.

OFFICER 1: Set the gun down on the coffee table real slow, mister.

CARMEN: (???) io, Luca. Io andrò tutto bene.

OFFICER 1: What is that, French? Speak English!

REX: It’s Italian. She’s telling him to come in, just like you asked, officer!

OFFICER 2: Quiet, everybody!!

REX (V.O.): Luca moves into the living room with the rest of us, and the two cops start asking questions. Before too long, we’re joined by a couple more flatfoots, then a detective! They separate us and start grilling us real good. I get raked over by the two that arrived here first. 

OFFICER 1: Your license plates were called in about an hour ago from a unit on Franklin. What were you doing over there?

REX: Like I said already, Mr. Scalati owned a curio shop on the corner there; I was looking to partner up with him. When I found out what happened to ‘im, I came over to offer my condolences to his widow. When I got to the door, I heard a gunshot. I entered the residence, and found Mrs. Scalati holding the gun. Apparently it went off on accident.

OFFICER 2: That’s pretty flimsy, Rivetter. 

REX: Ask Mrs. Scalati.

OFFICER 1: We did! Know what she said? She said you busted in here tryin’ ta rob her!

REX: Y’know, for a cop, you’re a terrible liar.

OFFICER 2: Alright smart guy, [SFX - He punches Rex.] let’s hear another wisecrack!

REX (V.O.): I’m beginning to wonder which is worse: getting beat up by Anthony Solerno’s friends, or the cops? I can hear the conversation with Luca escalating in the other room. Apparently nobody on the force speaks Italian. That works in my favor because I’m not certain the gardener is going along with the story. Pretty soon the detective joins us in the kitchen. 

[SFX – Chair squeaks. Ceramic clatters.]

DETECTIVE: Rivetter. I seem to remember that name. You’re Captain Burke’s little friend, ain’tcha?

REX: Captain?

DETECTIVE: Yeah, didn’tcha hear? Burke is rackin’ up quite a name for himself lately. Just in the last few days he solved three cases, one of ‘em over at the university!

REX (salty): I think I heard somethin about that. You guys don’t waste any time though! You made ‘im Captain?

DETECTIVE: Well, not quite yet. But some of the boys in homicide have been treatin’ him like he is. 

REX: I see. 

DETECTIVE: Look, Rivetter. I’ve read the reports. Burke seems to think you’re a straight shooter. 

REX: I wish he wouldn’t gush like that – it’s embarrassing! 

DETECTIVE: Me, I’m not so sure. But, since I don’t want to be on Burke’s bad side, and other than a hole in the fireplace there don’t seem to be any harm done, we’re gonna let this one go.

OFFICER 1: What?! We’ve got probable cause to at least haulin’ ‘em downtown, detective!

DETECTIVE: Look, this ain’t Boyle Heights, officer, it’s Bel Air. These good folks pay their taxes to protect them from the Boogeyman. They don’t want us interferin’ involved with their… petty squabbles. Nobody’s pressing charges against anybody, so let it go. Mrs. Scalati has just lost her husband, and she’s Italian. She’s apt to be a mite… emotional. 

OFFICER 1: Why, this is bull–!

DETECTIVE: Stow it, officer. Otherwise I might have to write somethin’ down. I do got some advice for you, though, Rivetter. Keep your nose clean. You ain’t makin’ many friends on the force.

REX: Thanks for the tip.

DETECTIVE: Alright, boys. Let’s clear out. We don’t want the neighbors to think anything is going on here, their property values might drop.

OFFICER 1: Right, so what if they do?

DETECTIVE: So then they start writing letters to the mayor, and he has to start conversatin’ with the chief.

[SFX - Car door shuts. Romantic music starts.]

REX (V.O.): The cops disappear faster than a mid-July fog. Carmen is in the living room. She’s visibly shaken, but she’s a good kid. She stuck with the story. When she comes into the kitchen even with the doors wide open, the temperature seems to rise ten degrees. 

REX: Are you alright? Why don’t we start again, Mrs. Scalati.

CARMEN: I think you should leave, Signore Rivetter. 

REX: Well, at least you’re callin’ me by my name. 

CARMEN: I heard the policemen say it. I heard them say a lot of things. What is a “Private Dick,” Signore Rivetter?

[SFX - Glass breaks.]

REX (seething): I really don’t like that term, it’s–

CARMEN: Did you even know my husband?

REX: To be honest with you? No. I never met ‘im. 

CARMEN: Then why are you here?

REX: I’m a private investigator, Mrs. Scalati. I was hired to look into your husband’s death. 

CARMEN: Hired? Hired by who?

REX: Transmutual Insurance. The company your husband took out his policy with.

REX (V.O.): So much for keeping things quiet.

CARMEN: And how do you know Signore Solerno?

REX: The guy that was at your front door? He was involved in a job I worked a few days ago!

CARMEN: Another insurance case?

REX: No, a… missing person. How is he involved with this?

CARMEN: He’s representing one of the parties interested in buying Vincenzo’s shop. 

REX: Curiouser and curiouser.

CARMEN: Vincenzo told me about him the day before he died. He said Signore Solerno was trying to convince him to sell the store, but you never really answered my question, Mr. Rivetter. Why are you here? Is there a problem with my husband’s insurance?

REX: Not necessarily, Mrs. Scalati. Just, routine.

CARMEN: Carmen, please. And… may I call you Rex?

REX: Sure, call me whatever you like. 

REX (V.O.): Maybe it’s just my imagination, but once she finds out I’m not trying to kill her or buy her shop, Mrs. Scalati seems to relax. Women are funny.

CARMEN: Alright, Rex. Why don’t we have the coffee now? It seems we have a lot to talk about. 

REX: Alright.

CARMEN: In all the trouble, I’ve forgot! How do you like your coffee?

REX: Steaming hot, and on the kitchen table. 

[SFX - Tray clattering with ceramic cups.]

REX (V.O.): Carmen brings in a tray with coffee, cups, and some finger sandwiches into the living room. She pours for both of us and then sits down close to me on the sofa. Real close. 

CARMEN: I’m sorry about what I said earlier. 

REX: About not trusting me?

CARMEN: No, about the coffee cake. I don’t have any. I don’t even know how to make it! 

REX: Aw, that’s alright.

CARMEN: I’m a horrible cook. Maybe I am the one that shouldn’t be trusted. 

REX: Are you dangerous?

CARMEN: My husband used to think so. My late husband. 

[SFX - Spoons stirring coffee.]

REX (V.O.): Carmen starts off with some small talk, something to pass a little time. I can tell she’s about to dig deep into her life with Vincent. I can tell there’s more than fulfilling the American Dream. People are funny. The bigger their secret, the  more they wanna share it. The more they wanna share it, the sooner they spill the beans. So I leave a little slack in my line and let her nibble for a while. When she’s ready, she starts talkin’.

[Calm guitar music starts.]

CARMEN: I grew up in a tiny villa, south of Milan in Italy. I was the youngest of four daughters, and my parents were very poor. By the time I was of marrying age, what few men that were left after the war in my little village were spoken for, so my father made a deal with a man he knew whose nephew lived here in America. A week later I was sent here to meet my betrothed. My seventeenth birthday found me found me somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, surrounded by strangers, completely alone. Signore Rivetter…  

REX: Rex.

CARMEN: Rex, I cannot tell you how terrifying it is, to travel across the ocean to meet and marry a man you have never viewed before. I had taken ill during the passage, and when I arrived in New York, I could barely make it off the ship, I was so weak. Vincenzo was a very… portly man, and I was so frail from travel sickness, I was certain that he would send me back home immediately, or worse, he would leave me in this strange land to fend for myself. I had no one here, and was completely at his mercy. But he showed kindness. He carried me down the gangplank himself, he took me to the home of his parents, and over the next several weeks he nursed me back to health by himself. He wouldn’t let anyone else lift a finger to help me. At first I thought it was because he was ashamed of my looks. He told me later it was because he didn’t ever want to be away from me. He was a kind and gentle man. He was ten years older than me but that didn’t matter to either of us. We fell in love. Not a storybook love, something real. [Guitar music ends.] Do you know what that is like?

REX (V.O.): I didn’t bother answering. Whatever she felt for her husband didn’t need anyone else’s approval. She was a good girl, and she had left her old family, half a world away, for a new one.

CARMEN: The polizia in New York were always looking to make problems for the Italians. Vincenzo got into a little trouble with the law, so we moved out here to Los Angeles. He had a friend, Alberto, who took us in and Vincenzo started working for this man. He made some new friends, and pretty soon we moved from a tiny apartment we shared with Alberto to our own one-bedroom. Then came a promotion for Vincenzo and a nice car. Then some new clothes. Then another promotion and another move. Vincenzo began to work longer hours. He would come home later and later, or not come home at all. We began to grow apart. I knew he was not always working.

REX: I don’t mean to be indelicate, Mrs. Scalati, but if he wasn’t working–

CARMEN (quickly): There were other women, I suppose. He denied it, he tried to keep it from me, but I knew. A woman knows. 

REX: So why didn’t you leave?

CARMEN: And go where, Signore Rivetter? Back home to my parents?? My father had sold me or might as well have! If I went home, my father would have to pay back the money for my passage and all the costs I incurred. I had no family in America, other than my husband and few friends. No, this was my home. This was where I belonged. 

REX: I’m sorry, Mrs. Scalati. You said he worked a lot, what kind of business was your husband in?

CARMEN: Vincenzo? I don’t know, exactly. I never asked him about his business. I think he worked in sales, but I never really knew what it was he sold. Sometimes it was watches, sometimes suits. One time he brought home three cases of meat! We had to make room for it in our ice box, and then go out and buy– well, none of that matters now.

REX: So how did he get into curios?

CARMEN: Vincenzo won that store from a man in a game of poker. 

REX: Must’ve been pretty high-stakes.

CARMEN: He was always doing things like that. He was a man that enjoyed the risk; living by his wits. That’s the phrase? By his wits?

REX: Yeah, that’s the phrase.

CARMEN: Ours was a love story, Signore Rivetter. Just not a fairytale.

[SFX - Door tries to open, pushing glass fragments across the floor, clinking together.]

REX (V.O.): Carmen is interrupted by the help. He looks from Mrs. Scalati to me, and something that resembles jealousy passes through ‘im. Quick, but unmistakable. 

LUCA: Perché è ancora qui?! (???) 

CARMEN: Sto cercando di scoprire quello che sa.

LUCA: Beh… è sbarazzi di lui, rapidamente! Non mi piace di averlo seduto accanto a te, fiore mio.

CARMEN: Non preoccuparti, amore mio. Lui è qui solo per farci ottenere i soldi rapidamente e andarcene. I’m sorry, he was asking what I do about the doors. 

REX: Oh, that’s alright. I won’t take up anymore of your time. I do have one more question though: what do you know about the shooting?

CARMEN: Not much, really. The police came to my door that night, and told me he had been shot! It was… very messy. They needed me to identify his body. Please, I am sorry. I don’t mean to be inhospitable, but I would like to be alone now. I guess I am not quite over my husband’s tragedy, I hope you understand.

REX: Sure, I understand, don’t worry. I’ll see myself out. 

CARMEN: Thank you, Rex. Please, is there anything I can do to speed up the… process?

REX: It shouldn’t be more than a couple of days. Tell me something: if you get the money, what will you do?

CARMEN: “If,” Mr. Rivetter? Is there something keeping the insurance company from paying?

REX: You never know with these kinds of things, but I’ll make my report soon. 

CARMEN (uneasy): Oh, I see. I would leave Los Angeles, leave America. There’s nothing for me here anymore. Goodbye Rex. And thank you. 

REX: Goodbye, Mrs. Scalati.

[SFX - Car engine start.]

REX (V.O.): As I drive back to my office, two things are bothering me. One: there’s something more going on between the widow Scalati and that gardener. The way he looked at her was more than an overprotective groundskeeper, and I swear I heard him call her “fiore.” S’one of the only words I picked up in my time in Italy during the war. Means “flower.” The other thing that’s nagging me is the brown sedan tailing me. It was the same one I’d seen on my way over to the Scalati place. He’s far enough back with his hat pulled down low and the sun glinting off his hood, I can’t get a look at his mug. But it’s the same car – I’ll bet my life on it. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), and featured Rachel Bishop (Carmen Scalati), Charley Miller (Luca), Steve Murdock (Anthony Solerno), James Steinburg (Officer 1 or 2 or Detective idk) and Dave Rivas (Officer 1 or 2 or Detective idk). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and was transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in Part Four of A Case of Triple Indemnity. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 8: A Case of Triple Indemnity (Part 2)

Note: I am not fluent in Italian, so feedback on the various (???)s is appreciated. What is there is what Google Translate tried to give me, so apologies if those aren't accurate as well.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in part two of A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. I’m working an insurance case for a guy named Bennett, with Transmutual. [SFX - Rex chuckles quietly.] It’s a cakewalk. But that doesn’t stop me from doubling my normal fee. My assistant, Jenny, waits a few minutes after Bennett leaves to bring me the file, just in case he comes back. Remind me to give her a bonus.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Door opens. Typing.]

REX: Thanks, Angel.

JENNY: Sure thing, Boss. An insurance case, huh? Nice. Get in good with these guys, and maybe they’ll use us more often, and you can stop doing those domestics. I know how much you hate them. 

REX: Well, that’s the idea. So, what do we got?

JENNY: Well, it looks like some dame named Carmen Scalati lost her husband, one Vincent Scalati, a few months ago. And because of the Triple Indemnity Clause, is waiting on a check on close to a quarter million. 

REX: [SFX - Rex whistles.] That is a lot of green. 

JENNY: Well, especially for them.

REX: What did her husband do?

JENNY: Well that’s the weird thing. It looks like he ran a little curio shop over on Franklin and Vermont.

REX: Curio shop?

JENNY: Yeah, you know. Rare, unusual, or intriguing objects. 

REX: Oh, thanks for the rundown, Angel. 

JENNY: Just one of the many things that make me irreplaceable. 

REX: How was he killed?

JENNY: The husband? Shot, in apparent robbery just outside the store. That’s why it qualifies for the big dough. Oh look, here’s some photos.

[SFX - Paper shuffles. Jenny gasps. Music swells.]

Oh Rex, that’s horrible!

REX (V.O.): Jenny slides a police photo across my desk. It’s a shot of the deceased. Looks like he took one right in the kisser. I’d seen some pretty horrible things in my day. These pictures aren’t for the faint of heart. I try to get her mind off of it.

REX: Apparent robbery? Is there a lot of money in curios?

JENNY: Ah… on that corner? The only thing over there is a Chinese massage joint and a pie shop. 

REX: You spend a lot of time on corners?

JENNY: What can I say, I like pie. 

REX: I’ll make a note. Maybe I should do something like that. 

JENNY: Open a pie shop? Well, you do like–

REX: I’d take out an insurance policy, with the kind of trouble I get into? You could find yourself a very rich woman!

JENNY: I’d rather find myself a very rich man. Besides, for me to get anything, you’d have to name me as your beneficiary.

[SFX - Paper shuffles.]

REX: Who else?

JENNY (stumbling over her words): Well… I’d rather have you. Here, I mean. Life would get pretty boring without… I-I mean I’ve grown accustomed to this place a-and… there’s only so many word jumbles in the paper that a girl can do. Besides, I would hate to think of you like that and… money isn’t everything. Look at your army buddy Abe. He seems to be rolling in dough and he isn’t happy.

REX: He’s not what I would call a friend. What makes you say he’s not happy?

JENNY: Hm. Woman’s intuition. And with you gone, who else would let me take a two hour lunch to pick up my sister from the train station?

REX: Your sister?

JENNY: Well yeah Boss, you remember her. She made it out to visit a few years ago. 

REX: Right, right. What was her name? Ah, Tony.

JENNY: Antoinette. Never call her Tony. 

REX: Antoinette. Right! Sure, Angel. I’m gonna be busy working on the insurance job; take as much time as you need!

JENNY: Oh, and we’ve gotta meet Abe tonight at Torintino’s.

REX: We?

JENNY (playfully): He said you should bring me along.

REX: What about your sister?

JENNY: Well, we could double date! You and me, and we can bring Antoinette along for kicks! Not that it’s a date, of course.

REX: Set your kid sister up with Abe? I don’t know who to root for.

JENNY: Are you kidding? Your army buddy doesn’t stand a chance. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. SFX - Car engine start. ]

REX (V.O.): I head over to Scalati’s Treasures on Franklin and Vermont. It’s a neighborhood filled with run-down offices, stores, and flop houses that went up before the turn of the century. The signs on the outside of the buildings change, the people inside change, but the dark business inside stays the same. There’s a handwritten sign on the door saying “the store is closed until further notice.” I take a peek through a dirty window and see a small shop with bare walls and shelves that are practically empty. There’s a back door to the joint that probably leads into an alley. Might be able to slip in that way. From my vantage point out on the street I can see that Vincent Scalati was either so successful he could barely keep his store stocked, or business was terrible. And since Vincent can’t tell me himself, I’ll have to find out some other way to get what I need. 

[SFX - Car honks.]

I spot an unmarked squad car with a couple flatfoot cops in brown suits across the street. So much for sneaking in the back door. They’re probably eyeing the Chinese joint next to Scalati’s but would see me poking around in the empty store. I decide to take my chances with the pie shop instead.

[SFX - Entrance bell clinks.]

WAITER: Sit anywhere you want.

REX (V.O.): I take a spot by the front window so I can keep an eye on foot traffic, just in case somebody goes into Scalati’s Treasures. Few minutes pass before the waiter decides I’m ready to order. The food must not be very good here – he’s about five foot nine with salt and pepper hair. I mark him in his late forties, but he’s thin, which leads me to believe he doesn’t eat here often. I’ve never met a skinny waiter. The nametag he wears reads “Mitch.”

MITCH (dully): Whaddya have?

REX: How’s the pie?

MITCH: Just like my sister’s first husband: stale and flaky.

REX: I’ll just have coffee then. 

MITCH: How do you take it?

REX: Like my first wife: cold and bitter.

MITCH: Tsh! You another cop?

REX: You don’t like cops?

MITCH: My sister’s first husband was a cop.

REX: How did that work out?

MITCH: She’s on Husband Number Three. What do you think?

REX: Do I look like a cop?

MITCH: Well let’s see: brown suit, brown shoes, you got that “I’m Smarter Than The Rest Of You” look on your mug, and there are two of your buddies across from the Chinese rub-n-tug.

REX: You noticed that, huh?

MITCH: In this neighborhood they stick out like a sore thumb.

REX: Sorry to disappoint. I’m no cop.

MITCH: Hm. I’ll get your coffee.

REX (V.O.): He brings me a cup of Joe and a menu with everything on it, including a spot I assume was ketchup.

MITCH: Need a minute?

REX: Just a few of yours.

MITCH: What?

REX: What do you know about the curio shop down the street?

MITCH: I thought you said you weren’t a cop.

REX (V.O.): I hand him one of my cards. He reads it before shoving it in his shirt pocket.

REX: Private Investigator. Right suit, wrong job.

MITCH: A snooper. Even worse. 

REX: It keeps the lights on.

MITCH: I thought you guys worked better with the lights out. Like a cockroach.

REX (V.O.): I show him some pictures of George Washington, hoping it’ll change the subject. 

[SFX - Money rustles.]

MITCH: Oh! Is this for me? Two whole dollars mister? I don’t give up anything for less than five.

[SFX - Rex’s hand bangs on table.]

REX (V.O.): I add a fin to get the ball rolling. The money disappears into Mitch’s shirt pocket, behind my card.

MITCH: Hah! For seven bucks you get three questions.

REX: Don’t you mean three answers?

MITCH: Is that your first question?

REX (V.O.): This is going to be tougher than I thought.

REX: Alright, about the curio shop: you know the guy who owns it?

MITCH: Yeah, I knew ‘im. That’s question number one. You got two left.

REX: Care to elaborate?

MITCH: Not really. That’s number two. One left.

REX (V.O.): Most regular folks would be falling over themselves to spill the beans on the neighbor who got iced. Giving their opinions on who he was and why it happened. Me? I get stuck questioning the sphinx. Time to change my tactics. 

REX: Alright Mitch. Vincent Scalati was shot outside his shop just down the street. What do I need to know about it?

MITCH: You need to know you shouldn’t ask questions. 

[SFX - Plastic bag rustling. Bell rings. Coins clinking.]

REX (V.O.): I get a couple slices of pie to-go and pay my bill. After Mitch rings me up he makes his way behind the counter. As I leave the diner I see he’s giving someone else the business.

[SFX - Glass breaks. Woman gasps. Baby starts crying. Entrance bell dings.]

And here I thought I was special. A brisk walk down the street and half a block takes me to the front of a Buick Century with two nondescript gentlemen sitting in the front seat. The passenger is busy with a crossword, so I approach the driver’s side. 

REX: I thought you boys might like a little something to eat. 

OFFICER 1 (gruffly): Beat it, Mister!

REX: What’s the matter, officer? No fish bitin’ today?

OFFICER 1: I said beat it!

REX: What are you boys, Vice? This is a bust. If I made you, don’t you think the good folks inside saw you too?

OFFICER 1: Don’t make me have to step out to–

REX: –get out and arrest me. Won’t that look obvious. Here, enjoy some pie. Mitch sends his best. 

REX: The passenger looks up from his paper. Can’t be more than twenty-five – a fresh-faced kid lookin’ to make a name for himself. 

[SFX - Plastic rustles intermittently under the conversation.]

OFFICER 2: Are you on the job?

REX: I’m no cop, just a regular, everyday, run-of-the-mill citizen lookin’ to take care of the boys in blue! Here, have some pie!

OFFICER 2: Aw, thanks mister! Ay, Pete, don’t drop it!

PETE: Look Jimmy, we don’t have time for this. 

REX: There’s always time for pie!

JIMMY: Mm, looks good!

PETE: Is that your car over there, mister?

REX: The Buick? Yeah, that’s me. 

JIMMY: I saw you get out over there and head out to the knick-knack shop. 

REX: Curios. My wife’s a nut for them. I was driving by and saw the sign and thought I’d stop in and have a little look. Our anniversary’s coming up. Thought it’d be a nice surprise.

PETE: It’s closed. 

REX: I noticed. Any idea when they might be open again?

JIMMY (through eating): I’m pretty sure it’s closed for good.  

REX (fake surprise): Closed for good??

JIMMY: Yeah, the owner went and got himself shot.  

REX: Shot?? Oh my goodness, that’s terrible. 

JIMMY: Yeah. Robbery. There’s rumor he was carrying a lot of dough and somebody jumped him, though how he made that kind of money in a place like that is beyond me. Maybe Bunko should’ve looked into him. Boy, this pie is good!!

PETE: Alright, Jimmy boy, I think you’ve said enough.

JIMMY: But, it’s good pie.

PETE: I don’t like pie. Now why don’t you buzz off mister, before I have you arrested for… vagrancy. 

REX: I’m goin’. Thanks for your time, officers! Enjoy the pie. 

REX (V.O.): I might not’ve gotten any good information from the waiter, but Officer Talkative was at least a little helpful. I don’t trust the other cop though. Who doesn’t like pie?

[Whimsical music starts.]

[Call to action to fans from Rhiannon McAfee.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]   

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[SFX - Car engine rumbles.] 

REX (V.O.): Being a private eye is sometimes like being a circus performer. Y’have to learn to juggle your need for information with the client’s desire for privacy, all while riding your unicycle through a flaming hoop of gunfire and checking your rear-view mirror to see if you’re being tailed. I noticed a brown sedan three cars back that’s been with me for a couple of miles. I can’t see the driver’s face, he’s got his fedora pulled down low, and the shade does the rest of the work for ‘im. I pull into a filling station and wait for ‘im to pass by. After five minutes and two offers to “fill ‘er up” by the pimple-faced attendant, I look back down Ventura but don’t see anything out of the ordinary. Too much time in this business makes you a little jumpy. 

[SFX - Lighter flicks. Car door shuts.]

My next stop is the home of Carmen Scalati. The wife of the deceased and the sole beneficiary to his quarter-of-a-million life insurance policy. It’s an address in Chalon Street over in Bel Air. I can’t come right out and ask her if something was “hinky,” so the direct approach is out. I make a slow pass by the house. It’s not the largest place on the street, but in most other neighborhoods it would be considered a mansion. There’s no cars in the driveway, but I decide to play it safe and park under a shady tree three houses down. The walk back to the Scalati place gives me some time to come up with a plan. It’s an old one, but sometimes the classics are best. Here’s a tip -- if you’re going to break into a house, case the joint first. There’s nothing worse than going through someone’s personals once they walk in the front door. But don’t ask me how I know. 

[SFX - Footsteps. Rex uses the squeaky knocker.]

GARDENER: ‘Ello.

REX (V.O.): He comes up behind me like a thief in the night. The Scalati’s gardener must’ve heard me knocking. I assume he’s the gardener, either that or this place comes with its own gravedigger. 

GARDENER: Signore. 

REX: Oh, hello. I’m looking for Mr. Scalati, I’m a friend of his from high school.

GARDENER: Chi sei? Cosa vuoi? (???) …La Signora Scalati non aqui. Dovresti andare.

REX: I-I’m sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Um… ¿dondé está Señor Scalati?

GARDENER: Non parlo spangolo, idiota. Sono Italiano. 

REX (V.O.): I knew I should’ve stayed awake during Mrs. Rodriguez’s class.  

GARDENER: Cosa stai facendo qui, la Signora Scalati (???) …andata al negozio di argomentare ritorno presto!

REX (exasperated): Look, buddy. I thought we established I don’t understand a single word you’re saying. No comprende, get it? So why don’t you go back to trimming Mrs. Scalati’s bushes?

GARDENER: Parle italiano, futoto idiota. 

REX (V.O.): Not sure of the words, but the tone is coming across crystal clear.

GARDENER: Non dovresti essere qui. Se il signor Scalati è vivo, ti avrebbe sparato la testa, stupido!

REX (V.O.): I’m beginning to think my spanish isn’t the problem. Just as I’m about to start playing charades with the help, a red convertible DeSoto with white-walled tires pulls into the driveway. 

[SFX - Car engine rumbles. Seductive music starts. Car door shuts.]

Carmen Scalati steps out of her car. I immediately know there’s gonna be trouble. She doesn’t walk up to me, she stalks. Like a cat sneaking up on its prey. Graceful and lithe. My decision to stop talking to the gardener has nothing to do with her candy apple-red lipstick, or the sudden pounding in my chest.

GARDENER: Signora Scalati, quest'uomo stava bussando alla supporta. Non credo che parle Italiano. Gli ho detto di addensare ma lui non mi ha capito. Deve essere uno della polizia guardo la sua divisa.

CARMEN: Va tutto bene, Luca. Ci penserò io. 

LUCA: Ma?

CARMEN: Ci penserò io. Please forgive me, Luca is very protective. 

REX: Who can blame him?

CARMEN: Scusi?

REX: He’s the gardener, right? You wouldn’t want the neighborhood kids runnin’ through your azaleas.

CARMEN: Peonies.

REX: P…?

CARMEN: Peonies. They’re called the rose without thorns. In Italy they’re given to a beloved one. They’re supposed to be the symbol of discretion. 

REX: Peonies?

CARMEN: These particular flowers came from cuttings from my wedding bouquet. They have a very special meaning. I am sorry I am being rude, what can I do for you, Mr…?

REX: Rivetter. Rex Rivetter.

REX (V.O.): She gives me the once-over.

CARMEN: I see. Is it… Captain Rivetter? Lieutenant Rivetter? 

REX: No, ma’am. 

CARMEN: Certainly not Sargent Rivetter?

REX: Just mister. Or Rex! 

CARMEN: Alright. Rex. Please, come in. I was just about to fix myself some coffee. Would you like some?

REX: Not the instant kind.

CARMEN: [SFX - Carmen laughs.] Mr. Rivetter. I’m Italian. We take our coffee very seriously. 

REX (V.O.): I follow Mrs. Scalati inside. It’s tastefully appointed. Right out of House Beautiful. We go for that sort of thing. The carpet is thick enough I might need a lifeguard. She heads into the kitchen while I nose around a bit. Mrs. Scalati has some photos of flowers, and a few awards on her bookshelf. Seems she’s quite the gardener herself.

CARMEN (at a distance): Please, make yourself comfortable, Mr. Rivetter!

REX: Thanks!

CARMEN: How do you like your coffee?

REX: Like I like my women: rich and full-bodied.

CARMEN (clearly): Scusi?

REX: Cream and two sugars, please. 

CARMEN: Ahah, you have a sweet tooth!

REX: Among other things. 

CARMEN (at a distance): So if you’re not with the police, Mr. Rivetter, what do you do?

REX: I own a couple of antique shops over in Baker. I’ve been corresponding with Mr. Scalati in hopes of, uh, starting a partnership here in Los Angeles. 

[SFX - Coffee cups are set down on the table. Spoons stirring.]

CARMEN: Prego. Have a seat.

REX: Thanks.

CARMEN: You have not heard about my husband’s murder?

REX: Yes. I stopped by the shop today, Mrs. Scalati. My condolences. 

CARMEN: Grazie. Oh, I forgot the coffee cake. I made some this morning. Would you like a piece?

REX: Well, thank you. I guess a small piece wouldn’t hurt. As I was saying, I’d been corresponding with your husband for a few weeks now and… um. Mrs. Scalati? That doesn’t look like coffee cake. 

[SFX - A gun cocks.]

CARMEN: No, Mr. Rivetter. It’s a .38. It belonged to my Vincent, but I assure you, I know how to use it. 

REX: If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather have the coffee cake.

CARMEN: Have you ever had a slug inside of you, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: Several, just in the last week. Wait, do shots of bourbon count?

CARMEN: No. 

REX: Then… no. 

CARMEN (threateningly): I understand it’s very painful. 

REX: Mrs. Scalati, why don’t you put down the pea shooter? 

CARMEN: I have a better idea. Start your story over again, but this time, try to come up with something better than “an antique dealer from Baker.” Nobody actually lives in Baker, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX (V.O.): Her hand is steady, and her eyes are cool. I don’t come up with a better story quick, I’ll never get that cake.

REX: I don’t suppose you’d believe I was here to inspect your garden. There’ve been some complaints from the neighbors!

CARMEN: No, Mr. Rivetter. If that’s even your name, which I doubt. What kind of name is “Rivetter?”

REX: It’s Dutch! It means “point that heater somewhere else or somebody’s gonna get hurt.” That’s a rough translation, of course. 

CARMEN: Hah, you’re funny, mister. Too bad, I could use some laughs. I want you to know I don’t blame you. 

REX: Well, I didn’t really have much of a choice. It’s a family name!

CARMEN: So tell me, which one are you?

REX: I thought about changing it but– what?

CARMEN: Since my husband died I’ve had two kinds of gentlemen callers: those trying to get into the drawers at Vince’s shop, and those trying to get into mine. So which are you?

REX: Well, which one get you to put the Roscoe away?

CARMEN: Do you like to gamble, mister?

REX: Only on hopscotch. Sometimes I’ll have Mitch surprise me down at the diner.

CARMEN: Mitch?

REX: Sure. He works at the diner down the street from Vince’s place. 

CARMEN: Oh. I see. 

REX (V.O.): Carmen lowers the handcannon, just a bit. Her muscles relax a little, and a sadness falls on her like a winter snow. A moment later, the smile returns. Not quite as big as before, and it seems… out of place, like it belongs to somebody else. But the sadness remains in those big, brown, doe eyes. 

CARMEN: So you’re here about the store. I guess I should've known. 

REX (V.O.): Navigating around a woman’s feelings is… hard enough. The fact that she still has a gun on me makes it worse. It’s like tiptoeing through a minefield, and I’m wearing snowshoes two sizes too big.

CARMEN: Well mister, I’m selling the store. I already have a buyer lined up, though why anyone would be willing to pay for the junk in that place, I have no idea. But I have accepted another offer, so you can go back to whoever sent you and tell them to stop asking. Or do you think I should send you back with a stomach full of lead? Would that get my point across? Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?

REX: I like your shoes. 

CARMEN: What??

REX: I like your shoes. Growing up, I was always told to compliment a woman’s shoes. It’s supposed to put you at ease. 

CARMEN: [SFX - Carmen laughs.] Signore, you are… something else. Is that the right word? I like you. I am tempted to let you go, but I don’t think that would send the right message. 

REX: You wanna send a message? Try FTD. You better decide quickly though, someone just pulled up in your driveway. 

[SFX - Dishes clatter. Rex gets up and tries to wrestle the handgun away. Carmen gasps.]

CARMEN: What are you doing?! Stay back!!

REX: What you gonna do, drill me? They’ll be at the front door in no time. 

CARMEN: I’m not kidding, mister!

REX: You aren’t gonna shoot. If you were, you would’ve done it already. 

CARMEN: Let go of me!!!

[SFX - Music swells. Something falls to the ground.]

REX: Well. That didn’t go like I planned. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), and featured Charles Peters (Mitch), Kurt Savage (Pete Malloy), Tyler C. Jiles (Jimmy Reed), Rachel Bishop (Carmen Scalati), and Charley Miller (Luca). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting conclusion of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 7: The Case of Triple Indemnity (Part 1)

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in The Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

[SFX (behind dialogue below) - Car honks. Footsteps. Entrance bell rings. Dishes clattering. Elevator ambiance.]

REX (V.O.): The name’s Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. Sometimes known as a Private Eye, or a Private Dick. I don’t really like that term, Private Dick. But it’s better than being called a Public Dick, or being called a dick in public. I have no illusions about getting rich from being a gumshoe. I got a little office on 3rd and Grand, above the delicatessen. Down the hall is a mail-order Bible salesman, a Chinese dentist, and a shyster lawyer named Angelo Martin, who helped get my last client out of a jam with the police! Some guys came back from the war and got busy climbing the ladder to success. Me? I just want to keep the lights on. As I get off the elevator I can hear voices coming from inside my office. One of them belongs to my secretary, Jenny. The other drifts through my memory like a fog rolling in from the beach. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Elevator doors open. Mysterioso (Take 2) by Artie Shaw plays in the background.]

BRESLOW (muffled and animated): So we’re about halfway across the channel. Somewhere between Newhaven and this little seaside town in France, and Private What’s-his-name is practically [SFX - Breslow laughs.] Well he’s got this real nervous look in his eyes! He drops a grenade, hahaha! He drops this grenade, see? And then he yells out “LIVE GRENADE!” and jumps on it!

[SFX - Key jingles. Door opens.]

(clearly) Everyone on the boat scatters! [SFX - Breslow laughs.] Hey Sarge! I was just talking about you. 

REX (not amused): Uh huh.

BRESLOW: So Sarge here, real cool-like, yanks the Private off the deck and shows him the grenade still has the pin in! [SFX - Breslow laughs hard.] This kid nearly voided himself out of fear because no one had told him you had to remove the pin first! [SFX - Breslow laughs.] Aw, the whole platoon was frosted, you know what I mean? But not Sarge here. Ice in his veins. That’s what he has. You remember that Sarge?

REX (still not amused): I remember. 

BRESLOW: Ah, that kid was green! What was his name?

REX: Doyle. Michael Doyle. 

BRESLOW: Doyle, right! Yeah, Doyle! Whatever happened to that kid? 

REX: I saw him on the beach later that morning. He was hobbling around looking for his foot.

BRESLOW: Hahaha, yeah that Doyle. Poor kid.

JENNY: You never told me that story, Boss. 

REX: Not one of my fonder memories. But don’t you have some work to do?

JENNY: Work? Well sure thing, Mr. Rivetter. 

[SFX - Jenny starts typing.]

BRESLOW: Mr. Rivetter? Sounds so official. But Sarge here has always been all business, isn’t that right, Sarge? Oh yeah, he was quite the soldier. He was up for a promotion twice!

JENNY: Twice?

REX: Let’s take this into my office. And you, Angel. File a report or something. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

What do you need, Breslow?

BRESLOW: Ah, now. Don’t be that way, Sarge.

REX: And cut the “Sarge” bit. The War is over. There was another one and that one’s over too. Give it five years and somebody will come up with another reason.

BRESLOW: Alright Rexie. Don’t get all twisted up. I was just telling your girl there some war stories! Dames love that stuff. 

REX: She’s got enough to occupy her time, she doesn’t need to be listening to your tall tales.

BRESLOW: “Tall tales?” Aw Rex, are you still sore at me? Like you said, that was years ago. That war is over. More or less. But you’re right, I’m not here to interfere with your… I mean, if there’s something going on between you and your secretary–

REX: Can it, Breslow. State your business or burn shoeleather. 

BRESLOW: Alright, alright. I can see you’re busy with all your… well–

REX: My business is none of yours. Why are you here?

BRESLOW: Well. Like I was saying the other day. There’s something I’d like you to look into. 

REX: I'm pretty busy lately. Uh, why don’t you give me some details?

BRESLOW: I’d love to Rex, but I’ve been waiting out there for a while and I’ve got to get to my office. How about you meet me later tonight, after work? There’s a place called Torintino’s, on Sunset. You know the place?

REX: Sure! I had lunch with Frank Sinatra there last Friday. 

BRESLOW: Great! Let’s say seven o’clock?

REX (V.O.): Breslow pulls out his wallet and starts counting money, and then places two C-notes gently on my desk.

BRESLOW: This oughta cover your time. And uh, do you have a better suit?

REX: A better suit?

BRESLOW: Yeah. You know, something less… brown. 

REX: I’ll see what I can find. 

[SFX - Door opens. Typing.] 

BRESLOW: Do that. Alright Sarge, see you tonight. Bring your girl if she doesn’t have any plans. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

REX (V.O.): I never cared much for Abe Breslow. But I am growing fond of his two hundred dollars.  

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Abe Breslow was the kind of soldier that the brass didn’t care for. Every unit had one, I suppose. But I would’ve taken a dozen Michael Doyles over one Breslow. That kid might not’ve known about munitions but at least he followed orders. With Abe it was all about… personal glory. Taking orders was secondary. Nothing mattered as much as collecting trophies, proof that he was a solider. That he had seen battle. I sometimes wondered how that would transfer to civilian life, and was getting my answer. According to his business card, Abe Breslow was some kind of expensive “Accountant to the Stars.” I imagined the card exaggerated his involvement in the Hollywood hullabaloo. Isn’t the first time I’d underestimated someone.

[SFX - Phone rings. Rex picks it up.]

REX: Rivetter Investigations.

JENNY (over phone, strangely professional): Mr. Rivetter? There is someone here to see you.

REX: Someone– wh… Jenny?

JENNY: Can you see him now or shall I have him wait, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: [SFX - Rex sighs.] What’s with the– oh, are you sore about the–

JENNY: No, of course not sir. I understand you left instructions not to be disturbed, but this seems to be an urgent matter.

REX: Huh. If you’re not sore–

JENNY: Yes sir, I understand you that have an appointment at eleven and one later this evening. 

REX: I don’t have any appointments today. 

JENNY: Yes sir, with Mr. Brown? I know sir. I can call ahead if you like and make preparations. 

REX: Mr– Oh. My suit.

JENNY: Mr. Breslow left very specific instructions. 

REX: I bet. So, some kind of big fish is out there with you?

JENNY: Absolutely, Mr. Rivetter.

REX: Alright, Angel. Give me a moment to… tidy up.

JENNY: Mr. Rivetter will be right with you. 

[SFX - Phone is hung up.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[Whimsical music starts.]

[Call to action to fans from Rhiannon McAfee.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in A Case of Triple Indemnity.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): I could use something to take my mind off the impromptu visit of Abe Breslow. A guy I knew in the War. As luck would have it, Jenny lets me know we’ve got a client, and from the.. cryptic conversation on the phone with her it must be something important..  

[SFX - Paper shuffles.]

I figure I should continue to sell the story, so I stuff some papers into an empty file before opening the door from my office to her’s.

[SFX - Door opens. Typing.]

Jenny was sitting behind her desk, probably about to start another love letter to her boyfriend. I need to pick up an acting award for her while I’m out later. The stiff sitting across from her in the blue suit must be the reason for her performance this morning. Wouldn’t win any special recognition for my part in the routine, but since she was putting on such a show…

[SFX - Door closes.]

REX (serious): Ms. McIntosh, put this with the rest of the Breslow file and tell Doyle I want his report on my desk before three.

JENNY: Of course, Mr. Rivetter. Oh, excuse me, this is Mr. Bennett. He’s here to see you.

[Shifty harmonica starts.]

REX: Mr. Bennett, come in please! 

BENNETT: Thank you.

REX: Have a seat.

BENNETT: Thank you again, Mr. Rivetter. And thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

REX: No problem. Cigarette?

BENNETT: No, thank you, I don’t smoke.

REX: I see. Do you mind if I…?

BENNETT: Oh please, Mr. Rivetter. It’s your office!

REX: What can I do for you Mr. Bennett?

[SFX - Lighter flicking.]

BENNETT: I find myself in the need of a… private dick. 

REX: …I don’t really like that term, it’s uh–

BENNETT: Let me explain. I work for Transmutual Insurance.

REX: Sure, I’ve heard of them!

BENNETT: Our headquarters are in Hartford, Connecticut, but I work out of our Western regional office here in Los Angeles.

REX: Go on.

BENNETT: My company is about to pay out a very… large sum on a life insurance policy and we are– well, we want to be certain there is nothing hinky going on.

REX: Hinky?

BENNETT: Yes, Mr. Rivetter. Are you familiar with the term?

REX: More than some. So, before the payout, you wanna make sure that everything’s on the up and up. 

BENNETT: Precisely. 

REX: You must be talking about a lot of dough.

BENNETT: The policy is for $75,000, but there is a Triple Indemnity Clause in the case of accidental death. The insured was murdered during a robbery, so the widow may be entitled to the full $225,000. 

REX: [SFX - Rex whistles.] That’s a lot of dough. Tell me, a big firm like Transmutual, don’t you have somebody on staff for this kinda thing?

BENNETT: Well, yes, we have an investigator we normally use, but between the two of us… well, there are some indications Mr. Dollar has been padding his expense account.

REX: Mr. Dollar? Is that his name? Dollar? Sounds fake. 

BENNETT: You think so, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: Hm. Fair enough. 

BENNETT: Please understand, Transmutual typically has no qualms about paying off a claim, but… this is a very large amount. My office has received several telephone calls and letters from the wife of the insured. When I spoke to her yesterday, she said she was going to send a wire to the corporate offices and so– 

REX: So you need this looked at quickly.

BENNETT: Quickly and… quietly. 

REX: Oh, of course.

BENNETT: Do you have someone that can.. look into this? 

REX: I’ll handle it myself. 

BENNETT: Oh, thank you, Mr. Rivetter! Now, about your fee–

REX: I charge a hundred a week, plus expenses.

BENNETT (unsure): Oh hah… I didn’t know you charged–

REX: I could, of course, have one of my associates take a look at it for a reduced fee…

BENNETT: Oh, no no no no, that will be fine, Mr. Rivetter. I would like you to personally look into it. Will you accept a check?

REX: Sure, you can leave that with my girl. And any details on the case, the name of the insured and his wife, her address, police report, that sort of thing.  

BENNETT: Of course, I have all that here in my briefcase.

REX: Wonderful!

BENNETT: Mr. Rivetter, I must reiterate: this matter is of the utmost importance to my office, it must be handled most delicately! Do you know what I mean by “delicately?” 

REX: You mean I shouldn’t take out an ad in The Times?

BENNETT: An ad in the–! Oh, I see. You-you’re putting me on, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: Just a little private dick humor! Although I really don’t like that term, it–

BENNETT (over Rex): Please, please Mr. Rivetter! I must have your insurance with absolute discretio– 

REX (professionally): Don’t worry, Mr. Bennett. We here at Rivetter Investigations take our client’s concerns seriously. And discretion is my middle name! My parents had a terrible sense of humor.

BENNETT: I see. Well, I will have to take your word for it, I suppose.

REX: We don’t disappoint. Just leave the information with my secretary, Mr. Bennett, along with the check. I have a few things to wrap up this morning, but I’ll start looking into your matter this afternoon.

BENNETT: Thank you, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: I’ll see you out. 

[SFX - Door opens. Typing.]

BENNETT: Thank you again, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: You’re welcome. Again. Ms. McIntosh, see that we get everything we need from Mr. Bennett here. And I’ll be handling this case myself, so the normal hundred-a-week applies.

[SFX - Papers shuffle as Jenny hears that for the first time.]

JENNY: A hundred!? O-of course, Mr. Rivetter. The normal fee. 

REX: Don’t worry about a thing, Mr. Bennett! Leave the matter in our hands. I should have some information for you in no time.  

BENNETT: Thank you. 

REX: Oh! There is one last thing. How did you hear about Rivetter Investigations?

BENNETT: Oh, I saw your name in the paper this morning. According to the story, you were instrumental in helping the police on a murder case over at the university! I thought to myself, “If this man has the trust of the Los Angeles Police Department, he must be well qualified!” You are well-qualified, are you not, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: The wellest.

BENNETT: Sir?

REX: Yes, we’re quite qualified.

[SFX - Door closes. Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): An insurance job. I’ve worked them before. No gunsels, no mobsters, no angry cheating husbands, nobody shooting at you. These cases are a cakewalk. This one might not be the typical insurance fraud. For those, it’s usually some slob looking to make a quick buck off of a car accident or threatening to sue somebody because of a loose brick in the driveway. A few pictures of him outside mowing his lawn or dancing with his wife, the matter is settled. And once in a while, when the stars are in line and you catch a lucky break, you even get a claim that’s legitimate. Although, this one is a life insurance deal. Triple Indemnity. Sounds like a bad movie. Sure, the payout might be bigger than most, but how tough could it really be? Famous last words. I was about to be shot at, double-crossed, and threatened by a shadowy figure from my past, and that was all before sunset. But I didn’t choose this line of work for the retirement plan. The life of a Private Eye isn’t for the squeamish, or anyone with long term goals. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye starred Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), and featured Frank Remiatte (Abe Breslow) and O.P. Hadlock (Mr. Bennett). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting second part of The Case of Triple Indemnity. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 6: The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet (Conclusion)

Note: Item with (?) is open for feedback.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen, the exciting conclusion of: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in The Case of The Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. I was hired by a college Professor by the name of Finch to find out who killed a couple of birds in his classroom. Sure, the case was nonsense, but I figured a couple days of R&R would suit me just fine. Unfortunately, things got a lot more complicated. Evelyn Lawrence, Finch’s lab assistant, was found dead and my client is the prime suspect. ‘Fore heading over to see the deceased’s apartment I spoke to the lawyer down the hall from my office, whose name is Angelo Martin. Probably short for Martinez. He says he’ll go straight to police HQ and I should meet him there when I can. The only thing I found in Evelyn Lawrence’s place was Professor Hoffman. Maybe there was something to the rumor he’d been having an affair with the dead girl. Maybe not. [SFX - Door closes. Footsteps. Telephones ringing. Grate moving. Elevator ambiance.] I had been inside the police headquarters building twice in as many days. Being on this end of the arrest didn’t feel much better. The minute the elevator doors open on the third floor I can hear Burke preaching across the room. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Footsteps. Finch blubbers behind Burke’s sermon.] 

LT. BURKE (muffled & boisterous): For he is God’s servant, for your own good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain!

[SFX - Something breaks.]

LT. BURKE (muffled & boisterous): For he is a servant of God, an avenger, who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. 

REX (V.O.): Professor Finch and the mouthpiece I hired on his behalf walk toward me like the proverbial long-tailed cat in Sam Maloof’s (?) factory. Burke only gets louder.

LT. BURKE (clearly): Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for the conscience’s sake. Romans Chapter Thirteen, Verses Four and Five. The vehement hand of justice will seek ye out, Professor. We will have the truth!

REX: Hello Professor.

LT. BURKE: And you, Rivetter! I should’ve known you would be involved with this! I should’ve brought you all in on charges!

PERCIVAL (relieved): Mr. Rivetter, I cannot tell you how thankful I am to see you. 

REX: Forget it, Professor. You hired me to solve a murder, that’s what I’m going to do. 

LT. BURKE (far away): This isn’t over. We may not have enough to hold you on now, Finch, but don’t you worry sir. 

REX: I see Mr. Martin here was able to drag you out from the pits of hell. 

PERCIVAL: Yes, I’m grateful for–

ANGELO: W-who was that?

REX: Lieutenant Burke, Counselor. He couldn’t afford a big enough hat to be on the Real Squad, but don’t tell him that.

LT. BURKE (behind Angelo): Coroner’s Report is on my desk as we speak…

ANGELO: The “Real Squad?”

REX: Hat Squad? Read a paper. Don’t let his bluster scare you off, his bite is worse than his bark.

ANGELO: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

REX: Not in the least. How did you get Finch out so quickly?

PERCIVAL: Bartlett-Finch! Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch!

REX (with Finch): Percival Bartlett-Finch!

REX: It’s hyphenated, I remember. So how did you get– my client out so quick?

ANGELO: Oh it wasn’t that difficult. [SFX - Paper rustles.] Page twenty-three of the times. The Audubon Society had an event Monday night that the Professor attended. [SFX - Paper rustles.] Look, you can see him in this photo! There in the back. 

PERCIVAL: We discussed a children’s book to introduce the youth of this country–

REX: You got an alibi? How did you find this?

ANGELO: Mr. Rivetter! This is what I do! But I don’t relish the thought of going up against Lieutenant Burke again any time soon! I might have to raise my fee. 

REX: Um, about that…

ANGELO: Aw, don’t worry Rex! May I call you Rex? You look after the Professor. This first one is on me.  

REX (V.O.): I take the shyster’s advice and put the Professor in a yellow cab before heading back to my office to see if Jenny’s gotten any word from the coroner. Finch isn’t outta the woods yet. 

[SFX - Car drives away. Car honks. Door opens. Typewriter noises.]

JENNY: Hiya Boss!

REX: You’re in a chipper mood, Angel. Any word from Margie?

[SFX - Typing. Liquid pours.]

JENNY: Yes. She called about ten minutes after you left. Things don’t look good for the bird man. Apparently the cops think they found a murder weapon in the Professor’s lab and the coroner is in the process of checking that against the stab wounds. She’s pretty sure it’s a match. She’s sending the report over on what they had so far to me. I thought you were the delivery guy. 

[SFX - Knocking. Typing. Door opens. Papers rustle. Door closes. Chair squeaks.]

REX (V.O.): As if on cue there’s a knock on the door. It’s the courier bringing the coroner’s report. Not complete, but there’s enough to get the general idea. I send Jenny down to Schnider’s Deli for a couple of pastrami sandwiches while I look over the report.  I hadn’t eaten all day and my head was starting to pound. Mixed in with Latin medical terms and an outline drawing of a human body is a possible death sentence for my client. Sure, the evidence is circumstantial, but the Los Angeles Police Department isn’t particularly fond of jigsaw puzzles. The suspect doesn’t fit the evidence, leave out the evidence. Simple. It gets good press and the average voter can go about his average day without worrying about the boogeyman. It’s an unspoken agreement in a civilized town like Los Angeles. You start digging into how the cops do their job, you might have to abandon the idea that they don’t make mistakes. You start thinking they’re fallible. You begin to wonder if there’s more stake here besides “upholding the law.” Maybe there’s an agenda that we don’t get to see. Maybe it’s not as much about Law & Order as it is about political agendas and getting the right people in the right positions. Pretty soon the whole world is topsy-turvy. Apples start falling up and cats start chasing dogs. System falls apart if the “Q” in John Q. Public stands for Questions. But don’t get me wrong, most of the flatfoots I met are walkin’ the pier out there because they want to make a difference. They join the force because it’s all on the up and up. Who knows, maybe years of going to work wondering if this is the day you take a lead bath makes you want more than just to watch after twenty-five years. Maybe you see all the bad around you and wonder how the little guy can ever get ahead with so much working against him. Maybe when you look in the dark long enough, your eyes start to adjust. Maybe it doesn’t all seem so dark after all. Pretty soon, maybe you become one of the shadows that everyone else is running from. But none of this is helping. Sometimes when I get hungry, I tend to wax philosophical. There’s something about a hot pastrami sandwich that makes the world slow down, just a bit. I find that whenever I run up against a problem I can’t solve, there are two things that can get the brain workin’: A pastrami sandwich, or a visit to the pie shop. [SFX - Plastic bag crinkling. Door opens and closes.] It’s strange sometimes how something so innocent can blow a case wide open. 

JENNY: We should’ve eaten in my office. 

REX: Out there? I can’t have a potential client walk in and see us chowin’ down. I have an image to protect. 

JENNY: Oh, some image. Besides, that’s why man invented locks, Boss. 

REX: What’s the matter with eating in my office, Angel?

JENNY: It still smells like ammonia in here. I think I used too much when I was cleaning up yesterday. You should open a window. 

REX: I can’t smell it. Maybe that’s what’s giving me a headache. 

JENNY: Well I have an excellent sense of smell. Ever since I was a little girl, ammonia sets me off. Oh, my kid sister was always bugging our folks about pets – we had cats and dogs, fish! We had these birds one time that–

REX: Is this gonna be a long story?

JENNY: It’s rude to interrupt, Mr. Rivetter. And no. I was just sayin’ that we had these birds and one time we were doin’ some spring cleaning and Antoinette spilled some ammonia–

REX: Antoinette?

JENNY: My sister. I’ve told you about her. Anyway, Antoinette accidentally spilled some cleaner with ammonia in it, A LOT of ammonia. It was the one in the ads that has the bottle with arms and legs on it– oh, what is the name of that one? Oh, you know the one. Anyway, she then tried to clean it up but I guess it got to the birds, they got pretty sick and died a couple days later. [Music swells slightly.] At least we assumed–

REX (realizing): Wait, what did you say?

JENNY (slowly): My sister spilled a bunch of ammonia and since then–

REX: No! About the birds!

JENNY: What? Oh, nothing. Oh, Antoinette was so upset she cried for days.

REX (connecting dots): The birds died?

JENNY: They did! Haven’t you been listening?

REX: From the ammonia, of course!

JENNY: Oh yeah, I guess there’s somethin’ in it that– 

REX: That’s why the lab smelled like that!

JENNY: What?

[SFX - Rex quickly cleans up his food and rises from his chair.] 

REX: Angel, I could kiss you. 

JENNY: What?!

[SFX - Rotary phone dialing. Rex grabs his stuff. Keys jingle.]

REX: Get Lieutenant Burke on the horn. Have him pick up Finch, Simon Hoffman, and the kid, Eugene. And have him meet me at Finch’s office. Tell him I know who murdered Evelyn Lawrence. 

JENNY: You do??

REX: You bet, and I can prove it, thanks to you. 

JENNY: Me??? Oh, wait, where’re ya’ goin’?

REX: On my way to the university, but I have a stop to make first. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

JENNY: Huh, well. Whaddya know. I solved the case.

[Music swells.]

[Whimsical music fades in.]

[Shoutout to fans/DSEntertainment from Dave Rivas.] 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.] 

GREG MCAFEE: And now, for the exciting conclusion of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in and The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays and fades out.]

[SFX - Car engine. Footsteps.]

REX (V.O.): I had to hightail it to the university. I needed to check on a few things before my guests arrived. 

REX: Finch hired me to find out who killed his birds – I thought it was a fluff case, no offense Professor.

PERCIVAL: Offense taken, Mr. Rivetter. Those birds are people too! Well, you know what I mean. And it’s Bartlett-Finch. Professor Percival Bar– 

[SFX - Something strikes a rack of glassware. Glass clinks.]

LT. BURKE (menacingly): Can it, Finch. Get to the point, Rivetter. I’ve got half a mind to arrest you along with the Professor as an accessory after the fact. I don’t care what the time says.

REX: Bear with me, Inspector. Evelyn Lawrence was last seen Monday night, here in this lab. Is that correct?

LT. BURKE: That’s what we have. Finch’s testimony is corroborated by several witnesses. 

REX: Right. But she wasn’t alone. She was working with you, Professor Hoffman. Isn’t that right?

HOFFMAN: Even if that were true, it does not prove anything.

PERCIVAL: Working with? Why would she be working with–

REX: Evie had been working with Hoffman for quite some time. Months, in fact. Isn’t that right Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: I have no comment. 

REX: That is why she ended things with Eugene here. She couldn’t bear the idea of lying to him anymore. Eugene thought they were having an affair, along with most of the faculty and students. You thought that’s why she broke it off, but I found evidence to the contrary. 

LT. BURKE: What evidence?

REX: These.

[SFX - Paper rustling.]

LT. BURKE: What is this? It’s a bunch of chicken scratch.

REX: That’s what I thought, at first. And then I noticed something at the bottom of the last page, the number 138.

LT. BURKE: What is it?

REX: It corresponds to a test Professor Hoffman ran. The remains of which are inside the refrigerator, over there. 

HOFFMAN: What?! Let me see that!

[SFX - Rex yanks the paper away from Hoffman.]

REX: Not just yet, Professor. I think L.A.’s finest might want to take a peek in your ice box.

[SFX - Fridge opens. Glass clinks.]

LT. BURKE: What in the Lord’s name?! What kind of ghoul keeps this… what are these, Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: DO NOT TOUCH THAT!! [SFX - Fridge closes.] That is all part of my research!

REX: The part that isn’t goin’ well, I’d wager. 

LT. BURKE: Cut to the chase, Rivetter. What do these sideshow displays have to do with the murder?

REX: I’m glad you asked, Inspector. 

LT. BURKE: Lieutenant.

REX: I’m glad you asked, Inspector Lieutenant. The handwriting on those notes matches the handwriting on the outside of those experiments. It belongs to Evelyn Lawrence, proving she was working with Hoffman.

HOFFMAN (angry): I told you this afternoon she was working with me. That is not news, nor is it any indication that I had anything to do with her murder!

PERCIVAL: But I just don’t… get why–

REX: No, the fact that she was working with you isn’t the evidence. The evidence is in her notes. Professor Finch–

PERCIVAL & REX: Bartlett-Finch, 

REX: before she started working with Hoffman, Evie Lawrence was your assistant, correct?

PERCIVAL: Yes, that is correct.

REX: I imagine you two worked very closely together. You think you could uh, decipher these notes?

PERCIVAL: Yes, I suppose I could.

REX: Would you mind? 

PERCIVAL (quietly): Huh, interesting.

REX: Hm. Out loud, Professor?

PERCIVAL: Oh! Of course. It seems that Professor Hoffman has been conducting experiments on a drug called thalidomide.

HOFFMAN: That is all part of my research! Any and all notes belong to the university!

LT. BURKE: Shut up! 

HOFFMAN: What would the committee chair say about–

LT. BURKE: I said shut up! 

REX: You have my permission to shoot ‘im.

LT. BURKE: You too, Rivetter!

HOFFMAN: There are always some small side effects introducing a new chemical into a system, anomalies–

PERCIVAL: Apparently there were several cases of side effects of the drug. 

LT. BURKE: These abominations in the cooler?

PERCIVAL: No. Inspector, the test animal showed no ill effect. Those “abominations,” as you call them, are the offspring. 

HOFFMAN: Quiet!

PERCIVAL: Ms. Lawrence detailed several cases where the animals’ litters were born with mutated appendages.

LT. BURKE: In English, please.

PERCIVAL: Flippers, Inspector. Like in the jars? Instead of feet, they had flippers.

HOFFMAN (heated): Lies! It’s-It’s-It’s all lies!!

REX: She was gonna rat you out, wasn’t she, Hoffman? That’s why you killed her.

HOFFMAN: I didn’t kill her!!

REX: Sure, you did. She told you she was going to publish your findings and you killed her, right in this room. You went into a mad rage and stabbed her seventeen times with one of the scalpels. When you realized what you’d done, you wrapped her up and took her to her apartment, but not before cleaning up the mess here. 

HOFFMAN: You can’t prove that!

REX: You used ammonia to clean up the blood. Lots of it, I imagine. That’s what killed the birds. 

LT. BURKE: Ammonia?

REX: Sure, Inspector. There’s no windows in here, so no circulation. That much ammonia would kill a bird in no time. Isn’t that right, Finch?

PERCIVAL: [SFX - Percival huffs.] Bart-! Yes, yes I suppose it would. 

REX: The place still reeks of it.

HOFFMAN (coming undone): Y-you-you can’t… this.. this will ruin me!

REX: All the money, all the notoriety – it was all coming to an end, wasn’t it, Professor? Right before your eyes!

HOFFMAN (through sobs): It will ruin me! Oh, my-my reputation!!

REX: I bet some drug company would’ve paid a fortune to publish your research, if you could only hide the anomalies.

[SFX - Equipment bangs together as Hoffman lunges for Rex.]

HOFFMAN: You can’t–!!

[SFX (dialogue below layered on top) - Hoffman and Rex fight. Glasses clinking. Heavy breathing and grunting. Glass breaks. Punches land. Percival exclaims and faints. Metal clanks.]

LT. BURKE: Careful, Rivetter!

PERCIVAL: Good Heavens!

EUGENE: What’s that in Hoffman’s hand!?

LT. BURKE: He’s got a scalpel!

[SFX - Fighting dies down.]

EUGENE: Was Professor Finch hurt? How? He was over here with me!

LT. BURKE: He wasn't hurt, he fainted again. You alright, Rivetter?

REX: Right as rain! I guess Hoffman couldn’t take a punch.

LT. BURKE: Cuff him, Jeffery.

[SFX - Music swells. Handcuffs tighten. Hoffman sobs in the background.]

REX (V.O.): As the Boys in Blue cart Hoffman off, Lieutenant Burke has a few more questions for me. Eugene and Finch join us, and in the back of my head, a voice screams at me saying I should leave well enough alone. Remind me to listen to that voice next time. 

LT. BURKE: Alright Rivetter, that wasn’t bad work. I will give you that. When did you put it all together?

REX: It was… bits and pieces, really. The dead birds, the rumors of Hoffman’s affair with Evie, the handwriting on the glass jars in the cooler that match the notes in her apartment.

EUGENE: Yes, where did you get those?

REX: Behind the picture of you and Evie. She kept it on her dresser. That’s what tipped me off that it was more than an affair that caused her death. 

EUGENE: Why?

REX: A woman having an affair wouldn’t have kept your picture out in the open. 

EUGENE: Huh.

REX: Maybe that’s why she broke it off. She knew there was something hinky about Professor Hoffman’s research, but couldn’t put her finger on it, so she went undercover.

EUGENE: But.. why break it off with me?

REX: Dames are funny sometimes. Would it help if you knew she was still in love with you, son? You got a promising career ahead of you, I’d imagine. She probably didn’t want you to get involved in something sordid like this. 

EUGENE: I-I don’t know what to say. 

REX (V.O.): Eugene excuses himself from the group. The next time I look up, he’s gone. It’ll take a while for him to get over his first love. I like to think he’ll find some happiness, eventually.

LT. BURKE: We had it figured the murder didn’t occur at Lawrence’s apartment. But there was no sign of a struggle or a blood splatter in the lab. The birds were a nice touch.

REX: The smell of ammonia was the final piece of the puzzle. 

LT. BURKE: And with all those scraps you put it all together. Good detective work. You guessed, didn’t you? 

REX: I’ll never tell.

LT. BURKE: And now the real effort begins. You see Rivetter, police work isn’t just about solving the case. It’s also about keeping your superiors happy and working with the public to protect the image of the department.

REX: Well, I can’t do everything for you. 

LT. BURKE: This isn’t going to look good. We already brought in one Professor for questioning, now we have to let him walk and arrest another. No, it’s not going to look good at all. 

REX: Supposing it was all part of your plan.

LT. BURKE: Plan?

REX (V.O.): There’s that voice again, telling me to stow it. But I’m on a roll now.

REX: Sure, you arrested Finch to flush out the real killer. You figured if he thought you had the culprit he’d relax, slip up somehow. After all, you’re dealing with an educated man with more degrees than a thermometer. He’s not your run-of-the-mill killer. You had to approach things differently. 

LT. BURKE: Right. We had to show him that we could outsmart him. 

REX (V.O.): Burke was catching on.

REX: So, you clued me into what you were doing, and I went along. 

LT. BURKE: Now hold on a minute there, boyo–

REX (slowly turning into a Burke impression): I was happy to help the police department protect the innocent citizens of this fine city–

LT. BURKE: So now we know what you get out of this.

REX: We’re killing two birds with one stone. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): The sun begins to set on the City of Angels. Another case is behind me and I’m feeling pretty good! [SFX - Paper shuffling.] The next morning The Times reads: “COPS ARREST PROFESSOR FOR STUDENT MURDER.” I skim the article, and find my name. It’s toward the end. Almost as an afterthought, but it’s in there. That should be good for business! Jenny can cut that one out and add that to her scrapbook. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), featuring Nick Young (Lieutenant Burke) and Dave Rivas (Angelo Martin), guest starring Dave Hibler (Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch), James Steinburg (Professor Hoffman), and Joe Fejeran (Eugene). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for The Case of Triple Indemnity. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 5: The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet (Part 2)

Note: I have no idea what Hoffman said at the (????), and am unsure if Rex said that at the (?), so feedback is appreciated.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen, Part Two of: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in The Case of The Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): Name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. I’m a Private Eye. I was hired by a college professor by the name of Finch to find out who killed a couple birds in his classroom. Sure, the case is nonsense, and after the last job I figured a couple of days of R&R would suit me just fine. Problem is, the professor’s assistant, Evelyn Lawrence, has been murdered. Stabbed seventeen times by what the cops assume is a scalpel. The kind of scalpel my client has in his lab at the university. Doesn’t look good for Finch. I could’ve just let it go, let the cops handle it. If he’s guilty he’ll have his day in court. That would’ve been the smart thing to do. I’ve never been all that bright. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

As Finch was being escorted to a waiting squad car, a crowd started to gather outside his office. He’s met by a sea of anxious co-eds. Professor Simon Hoffman shares a classroom with Finch, and looks pretty shaken up. He addresses the students and tells them that under the circumstances, classes will be cancelled for the rest of the day. One boy in particular looks especially troubled. He disappears into the group before I get a good look at him. After the crowd disperses, I talk to Hoffman. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

REX: Well Professor, what’re you going to do now?

HOFFMAN (menacingly): I shall go back to work, Mr. Rivetter. I suggest you do the same. The police have their man. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. SFX - Car engine starts.]

REX (V.O.): I drive back to the office with the same itch in the base of my skull I always get when something doesn’t add up. If Percy killed his assistant, why would he go to the cops and then hire me? Sure, he came to me about his birds dying, but I would think if he was a murderer, the last thing he would want to do is draw any attention to himself. Although, he did mention a couple of times that his assistant’s work had been declining lately, and he hadn’t seen her in a few days. Maybe the whole thing was just a ruse to throw the cops off the trail. He was a pretty odd duck. Ah, seriously, enough with the bird jokes. 

[SFX - Entrance bell dings. Elevator rises. Door opens. Typewriter noises.]

JENNY: Well, how did it go? Did the bird man take the news okay?

REX: It didn’t go quite as planned, Angel.

JENNY: Uh oh. What happened, did you ruffle his feathers?

REX: Bird humor? I expected a little more out of you.

JENNY: Sorry Boss.

REX: Get me an address on Evelyn Lawrence. She was Finch’s assistant.

JENNY: Well didn’t he say she hadn’t been to class in a while? D’you think she had somethin’ to do with the birds?

REX: I’m not sure what to think. She hasn’t been to class because… she’s dead. 

JENNY: Oh, no!

REX: Your friend that works for the coroner, what’s her name?

JENNY: Margie.

REX: Right, Margie. Why don’t you get her on the horn, I’d like to know what happened to Ms. Lawrence. I’ll be in my office. [SFX - Door opens.] Buzz me when you get anything. 

JENNY: Sure thing Boss, I’ll get right on it. Oh, I almost forgot. You got a call from your friend, the one who came by yesterday? He said you were supposed to phone him last night.

REX: Breslow. Slipped my mind. I’ll give him a ring later, Angel. Right now, let’s get that coroner’s report. 

JENNY: Sure thing, Boss!

[SFX (beneath Rex’s monologue below) - Door closes. Footsteps. Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades in. Car door opens and closes. Engine starts. Car honks. Driving noises. Train bell dings. Glass clinks. Cork pops. Liquid pours. Engine rumbles.]

REX (V.O.): The life of a Private Gumshoe isn’t what you read in the dime store novels. It’s not all doe-eyed brunettes and jewel thieves hiding their loot inside a black bird (?). Harder cases are rare, and when you catch one, it’s never the butler that did it. Mostly it’s sitting in your car at four a.m., waiting for a stray husband to leave his secretary’s apartment, or finding a lost teenager that came out to L.A. to become the next Lana Turner. You eat a lotta diner food and drink a lotta day old coffee. What else are you gonna to do? After the war, you came back home to small-town USA. It wasn’t home anymore. Your friends, the ones who made it back, all seem to ease into civilian life. They married a high school sweetheart and settled down to raise a pack of kids. But as much as you might try, you can’t catch your breath in a place where everybody knows you. There’s something disconcerting about taking a walk around the town square and seeing all the smiling faces, knowing all their secrets, and knowing they know yours. It’s just… unnatural. You wander around a bit, never staying in one place too long. Maybe you lost, or… maybe there’s something pulling you. Maybe you’re no different than that kid coming to Hollywood to be a star. Both looking for that thing that makes you… special. That thing that fulfills you. You don’t stand a chance in hell of finding it. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Car door shuts. Telephone rings. Phone’s picked up.]

REX: Well hello Angel, that was quick!

JENNY (over phone): Well sorry Boss. I have a call into Margie, but… there’s someone here for you. 

REX: A client? 

JENNY: I’m not exactly sure, but.. I think you’re gonna wanna see him. 

REX: Alright well, send him in!

[SFX - Phone’s put down.]

REX (V.O.): By the sound of Jenny’s voice I’m not going to like this. I coulda spent the rest of my life trying to guess who was behind that door. I never would’ve got it right. 

[SFX - Door opens.]

The kid outside of Finch’s office is now standing in mine. His eyes are red and puffy; he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. Add to that fact he smells like a distillery. He must’ve followed me from the university, which means maybe he could shed some light on this case. I invite him to sit down before he collapses.

REX: Come on in. Take a squat on the couch there. S’not too comfortable, but– 

KID (blurting): I need your help!

REX: What you need is some sleep and a bath, not necessarily in that order. A hot meal wouldn’t hurt either. 

KID: Professor Bartlett-Finch hired you, is that right?

REX: Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.

KID: I don’t have time for games, mister! This is a matter of life and death!

REX (V.O.): The lump of dough in my office dressed like a college kid stops talking. Suddenly he’s a heartbroken teenager, dressed up with no one to take to the spring dance. He tears up and I can see the golf ball forming in his throat. [SFX - Drawer opens. Cork pops.] I pull the bottle of snake bite medicine out of the bottom drawer of my desk. I keep it there in case of emergencies, like burning out a gunshot wound. Or a nineteen-year-old lovesick college kid stumbling into my office. 

[SFX - Glass moving on table. Brief liquid pouring.]

REX: Siddown. Take a swig of this. 

[SFX - The kid drinks.]

Now, why don’t you tell me what brought you here? 

KID: I saw you outside Professor Bartlett-Finch’s office when the police took him away. I heard some of the students talking. They said he had killed her!

REX: Killed?

KID: Evie.

REX: The bird?

KID: Not Eve, Evie!

REX (getting it): Oh, you mean Evelyn Lawrence!

KID: Only the professor called her that. He’s very particular about names.

REX (dryly): So I noticed.

KID: Why were you there?

REX: You had it right. The professor hired me to… look into something.

KID: The murder?

REX: Not exactly, something unrelated. Look, kid, I don’t have time–

EUGENE: Eugene.

REX: Alright, Eugene. Why did you follow me? Do you know something about the case? About Evelyn Lawrence? Did Finch kill her?

EUGENE: Yes… no… I– what? No, of course not!

REX (V.O.): I’d seen the look on the kid’s face before. Hardened men in combat sometimes get it when they witness something… particularly horrible. Even though their eyes go wide their vision shrinks, like looking down a long tunnel. Pretty soon they don’t see anything at all, just the same scene running over and over. Like a movie looping through a projector in their head, repeating the horror over and over, over and over. ‘Cept that this isn’t some soldier on the battlefield. This is a kid, a civilian. Some guy who should be taking his date to Inspiration Point on Saturday night, who’s greatest hope is to wear a sweater vest and get into a good firm, settle down with his college sweetheart and raise children of his own. I give him a good slap across the chops. [SFX - A slap. Eugene exclaims.] Nothing that’ll leave a mark, just enough to bring him back to the present!

[Tense music starts.]

EUGENE: What’d you do that for?!

REX: I was getting bored with the voice in my head. I thought I’d listen to yours for a while. You were standing outside Finch’s office. You went through all the trouble of following me here, why don’t you tell me what this is about?

EUGENE: Professor Bartlett-Finch didn’t kill Evie. Professor Hoffman did!

REX: Hoffman? The German?

EUGENE: Yes! 

REX: I see. What makes you think that he was–

EUGENE: They were having an affair, Mr. Rivetter!

REX (surprised): Hoffman and Finch?

EUGENE: No, Hoffman and Evie! Professor Hoffman killed Evie to cover it up.

REX: Hoffman seemed like a pretty big deal on campus. Would a little slap and tickle with a student get him into that much trouble?

EUGENE: Maybe not with the university, but if he’s married, his wife wouldn’t like it too much. 

[Music swells.]

[Whimsical music fades in.]

[Shoutout to fans/DSEntertainment from Dave Rivas.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.] 

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in and The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

[SFX - Drawer opens. Bottle clinks and uncorks. Liquid pours. Bottle is set down.]

EUGENE: They were having an affair, Mr. Rivetter! Professor Hoffman killed Evie to cover it up.

REX: No kidding. And how do you know the–

EUGENE: We used to go together, Evie and me. But that ended months ago once Professor Hoffman came to the university. She started missing dates, and then a few weeks ago she called it off entirely. I went by the lab one night, and I heard the two of them, together. 

REX: And you think he killed her to keep his wife from finding out. Do you have any proof?

EUGENE: About whether he’s married? No. About the affair, everyone knew about it. That’s why she broke it off with me. Why else would she?

REX (V.O.): I wanna tell him there’s no way I’ve ever known why dames do what they do. But the look on his face tells me maybe he’s not ready for that kind of education. 

REX: Why didn’t you go to the cops with this? Or speak up when they were taking away the professor? 

EUGENE: You said it yourself, Mr. Rivetter! I don’t have any proof. And isn’t that what they’re going to want? So I came to you. I want to hire you to find Evie’s killer! I want you to prove it was Professor Hoffman!

REX (quietly): What if it wasn’t?

EUGENE (quickly): It was! I know it! If you’re worried about money, I have some! It’s not much, but I can get you more–

REX: Forget it, kid. Keep your money. I’ve already been paid!

EUGENE: But how can I be sure that you’ll do–

REX: I’ll tell you what: I’ll talk to Hoffman. See if there’s anything to what you’re saying. D’you have a picture of Evie?

REX (V.O.): He takes a photo out of his wallet. It’s of the two of them taken in one of those photo booths inside some burger or mall shop.

EUGENE: This is all I have. Will it work?

REX: That’ll do just fine. Leave your number with Jenny. I promise I’ll look into it and get back to you with anything I find. You go home and get some sleep.

EUGENE: Do you promise, as a professional, that you’ll do your best?

REX: I pinky swear! Go home. I’ll call you just as soon as I learn anything. 

[SFX - Door opens and closes. Window opens. City ambiance fades in.]

REX (V.O.): Eugene leaves my office and I feel like a heel for getting his hopes up. But he needs sleep. I have to open a window to get the smell of stale whiskey out of the couch. 

[SFX - Phone ringing. Rex picks it up.]

REX: What’ve you got?

JENNY (over phone, self-righteously): I found the address for Evelyn Lawrence. You owe me. 

REX: Put it on my tab. Hey, Angel. What’s the name of that mouthpiece at the end of the hall?

JENNY: The lawyer? Martin, I think.

REX: Is that his first name or his last?

JENNY: Yes.

REX: Hah, you’re a help. I’ll look in on him on my way out. Jot down Evie’s address for me, will ya? I’ll make that my first stop. 

JENNY: On your way out? Our client is in the slammer. Where’re you goin’?

REX: I gotta see a horse about a man. 

[SFX - Phone is set down. Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. Car engine starts.]

REX (V.O.): On my drive over to Evie Lawrence’s address, questions run ‘round my head like Dusty Rhodes touchin’ all the bases. Who killed the girl? Was she really having an affair with Professor Hoffman? If so, did he have enough at stake to take her life or was it something else? Was Professor Finch somehow involved? Did the dead birds have anything to do with the case, or were they just a red herring? None of it makes sense. 

[SFX - Car door shuts. Footsteps.] 

Evie lived in a two story walk-up on San Vicente, across from the food store. I find the apartment manager, and with a little persuasion (and a picture of Alexander Hamilton), she lets me into the dead girl’s matchbox. There’s police tape and an outline of the deceased on the kitchen floor. I’m careful not to disturb anything just in case the cops want to come back. I see the spot where the body was found. There’s a little bit of blood on the tile floor but no other sign that anything’s amiss. The next thing I notice is all the other tools someone could’ve used to kill Evelyn Lawrence. 

[SFX - Clattering.] 

Kitchen knives, pots, pans, a letter opener. But she was killed with a small, very sharp instrument. Burke’s men figure it’s a scalpel. I do a quick search but don’t find anything that fits the description in the dead girl’s apartment. Which doesn’t mean anything, either the cops have it or the murderer took it with him. If he took it with him, he might’ve also brought it to Lawrence’s apartment, meaning the murder was premeditated. Too many loose ends to get any real feel for what happened. There’s one thing. She’d been stabbed seventeen times. Which means that it was no accident. It also means that whoever killed this girl was very, very angry. I expected there to be more blood. On the dresser in her bedroom is a framed picture of her and Eugene. A happier couple in happier days. There’s a look of hope in their eyes. Maybe it’s just the way the light from the window is hitting the photo. The Boys in Blue Moving Company had been through here earlier, and it looked like they hadn’t missed a spot. As I lose myself in my own thoughts, I feel a… presence in the apartment. 

[Music intensifies.] 

(quickly and intensely) A creaky floorboard sends a shock up my spine. My body reacts automatically; I pull my piece and draw a bean on the sound. 

[SFX - Gun cocks.] 

Standing in the doorway is a familiar, but unexpected face.

REX: Professor Hoffman. I didn’t expect to see you here. 

HOFFMAN: I came to, out of a morbid curiosity, I have never seen a.. what do you call it, a crime scene before.

REX: You don’t say. How well did you know Ms. Lawrence?

HOFFMAN: She was Professor Finch’s student. She showed great aptitude as a laboratory assistant. 

REX: Is that all?

HOFFMAN: I’m not sure I understand your meaning, Mr. Private Detective. 

REX: I mean is that all she was, or was there more going on between the two of you?

HOFFMAN: Ah, you mean was there something untoward in my relationship with Ms. Lawrence?

REX: Wow, you catch on quick. 

HOFFMAN: You are a Private Dick, no?

REX: I really don’t like that ter–

HOFFMAN: I am a scientist. My work at the university consumes me. I do not have time for… (????) with coeds. 

REX: That’s not really an answer. 

HOFFMAN: Perhaps not for you, but it is the only one I am offering. But what are you doing here, Herr Detective?

REX: I came to get some overdue library books. The school is really cracking down on that sort of thing. 

HOFFMAN: Oh, you are making a joke! [SFX - Hoffman laughs.] That is very good. Undoubtedly Eve’s family will appreciate that you are making light of this very serious situation!

REX: What did you just say?

HOFFMAN: I was making note that you do not seem to be taking this situation seriously, Herr Detective.

REX (connecting dots): You called her Eve. 

HOFFMAN: What?

REX: Evelyn Lawrence, Professor Finch’s assistant. You called her Eve. Not Evelyn, or Evie. Eve. 

HOFFMAN: I’m not certain what you are getting at, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: You knew her, didn’t you? Intimately. That’s why you’re here at her apartment, to see if she left any incriminating evidence of your affair.

HOFFMAN: That is absurd! Despite the rumors, I am a bachelor, Herr Detective. I have nothing to hide.

REX: Then why take the time out of your very busy research schedule to drive over here? There’s something you’re not telling me. I wanna know what it is. Or maybe you would prefer that we discuss this with Lieutenant Burke down at the police station? I wonder what the university mucky-mucks would think of their star professor being arrested for a student’s murder. Once that news hits the paper how much money do you think your department would get to continue your research?

HOFFMAN (slowly): [Hoffman gasps.] You wouldn’t dare!!

REX: I think we both know that’s not true. Why don’t you tell me about your relationship with Ms. Lawrence, Professor? They say the confession is good for the soul.

HOFFMAN: Confession is pointless! I do not believe in God, Herr Detective! Does that shock you? 

REX: Not really. I spent three weeks one night in Pacoima. Nothing shocks me.  

HOFFMAN: Your attempted humor is plebeian at best. It is suitable for drunks and those who work at the bowling alley.

REX: Some of the best people I know are drunks who work at the bowling alley! 

HOFFMAN: Well, my curiosity has been satisfied. As you noted, I must get back to my research. 

REX: Tell me, Professor, what kind of research do you do?

HOFFMAN: Pardon me?

REX: Finch seemed very put out by being… put out. His story is that before you came along he was “big man on campus”.  

HOFFMAN: Do you believe that is the real reason for his behavior?

REX: Meaning?

HOFFMAN:  I find you amusing, Herr Detective, so I will help you with your investigation. If, for no other reason, then you might see I have nothing to hide, and will leave me alone hereafter. I have heard the rumors around campus about Evie, and while they are not exactly true, there is something about them you should know. Professor Finch killed Evelyn Lawrence because she was cheating. 

REX: Cheating? On the kid that gave Finch the bird?

HOFFMAN: What? No. She was leaving Professor Finch’s employment to come and work for me as my assistant. 

REX: Could she do that?

HOFFMAN: Under normal circumstances, no. However, as you so eloquently put it, I was the new “big man on campus.” The university administration was willing to bend the rules so that I could get additional assistance in my research. 

REX: So. Finch killed her because she was switching sides?

HOFFMAN (passionately): You cannot understand the type of rivalries that can form in academia. A man like Professor Finch, who has been allowed to exist in obscurity, is threatened when someone with real genius comes along to bring real focus onto the campus. He cannot scurry back into the shadows, and is forced to observe from the sidelines, but the university is willing to do anything for a man of vision, such as myself!

REX: You really don’t suffer from modesty, do you, Professor?

HOFFMAN: That is an ailment with which I have never been afflicted.

REX: Tell me, what kind of research do you do that makes a university swoon like a teenage girl?

HOFFMAN: My research is of no concern to you. 

REX: Not going well, huh?

HOFFMAN: What?

REX: Well I figure most big-time educated guys like yourself getting money from the school would fall all over themselves to boast about how their work is going. But if you don’t want to talk about it, there must be a reason. Maybe it’s not going like you planned. Maybe the university isn’t getting its money’s worth. 

REX (V.O.): Suddenly, Hoffman’s tone changed. He was less boastful, almost defensive.

HOFFMAN: Hyperemesis Gravidarum. 

REX: Sticks and stones, Professor!

HOFFMAN: My research. If you must know, I am working on a vaccine to cure Hyperemesis Gravidarum, more commonly referred to as Morning Sickness. Do you have any idea how many women suffer from this ailment? The university is very interested in attaching itself to my research. I am close to a breakthrough, and must get back to the lab. Good day, Herr Detective. I do not expect we’ll speak again. 

[SFX - Footsteps. Door closes.]

REX: Alright Doc, don’t ruffle your feathers. Mornin’ Sickness. Go figure.  

[SFX - Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. Car engine start. Driving ambiance.]

REX (V.O.): The old man’s voice echoes in the back of my noodle. Don’t swing for the fences, unless it’s an easy ball, son. Be content with running part of the way. Thanks Pop, look where that thinking got you. Still, the old man knew a thing or two about a thing or two. He may not have had a college education but I would put his mind against any of these university eggheads. He understood people, a skill I am still trying to hone. Pushing Hoffman’s buttons may not have gotten me any good information about the case, but it seemed to upset him a little bit. That’s gotta count for something. The next stop on the agenda is the police station. [SFX - Car door closes. Footsteps. Grate moving. Phones ringing.] Hopefully the mouthpiece I hired was having more luck than I was. The idea of Professor Finch and Lieutenant Burke in a room together sent chills down my spine. I just wasn’t sure which one of them to feel more sorry for. [SFX - Elevator ambiance.] As soon as I got off the elevator on the third floor of police HQ, I heard the yelling from behind closed doors. 

[SFX - Footsteps. Finch blubbers behind Burke’s sermon.] 

LT. BURKE (muffled & boisterous): For he is God’s servant, for your own good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain!

REX (V.O.): Lieutenant Burke was delivering a eulogy for my client’s freedom. 

LT. BURKE (muffled & boisterous): For he is a servant of God, an avenger, who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. 

[SFX - Finch faints again, muffled.]

REX (V.O.): What a gasback. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), featuring Nick Young (Lieutenant Burke), guest starring James Steinburg (Professor Hoffman) and Joe Fejeran (Eugene). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting conclusion of Rex Rivetter and The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 4: The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet (Part 1)

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in The Case of The Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. Sometimes known as a Private Eye, or… a Private Dick. I don’t like that term, Private Dick. But it’s better than being called a Public Dick, or being called a dick in public. It had been a long day. I’d been beaten up, shot at, seduced, and accused of murder. And somewhere in there I managed to solve a case, and make a little bit of cabbage. Would’ve been a perfect time to have a drink and catch forty winks on the couch in my office. Unfortunately things don’t always work out like we plan.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Whimsical music. Knocks. Door opens squeakily.]

MAN: Hello? Is anyone here?

REX (tired): Go away.

MAN: I’m looking for Rex Rivetter?

REX: He flew South for the winter. 

MAN: Well I’d like to hire him. I have money.

REX: [SFX - Papers and glasses shuffling as Rex startles up.] I’m up, I’m up!

REX (V.O.): Feast or Famine. Sometimes that’s the way it is in this business. Little did I know that this case was going to change my life. He’s… slightly built, no more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. His eyes dart around the office like a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory. He stands there looking at me through thick glasses, nervously steepling his fingers in front of them. 

REX: I’m Rivetter, how can I hel–

PERCIVAL: My name is Percival Bartlett-Finch. 

REX: Alright, Mr. Finch–

PERCIVAL (insistent): Bartlett-Finch. 

REX: Wha-wh… what?

PERCIVAL: Bartlett-Finch. It’s hyphenated. Percival Bartlett-Finch. I’m a professor of ornithology.  

REX: Orni… look, Percy–

PERCIVAL: Percival, if you don’t mind, Mr. Rivetter. Percival Bartlett Finch. A-as I was saying, I’m a professor of ornithology at the University. I teach the systematic, distribution, evolution, and field biology of birds, and I would like to hire you to solve a murder. 

[Music swells.]

REX: A murder? At the University?

PERCIVAL: Indeed. 

REX: Shouldn’t you be talking to the cops?

PERCIVAL: I already did. Earlier this morning. It was one of those officers that directed me to you, in fact. 

REX: A tall fellow? Nicely dressed? Built like a bull?

PERCIVAL: Indeed. How did you– Oh, well someone in your… profession surely must have friends in the police force. 

REX (under his breath): Oh, something like that. (Normal volume) Alright. Who got whacked? Some professor?

PERCIVAL: Oh no, no. 

REX: A student?

PERCIVAL: Oh good heavens, no. 

REX: Alright, I’ll bite.

PERCIVAL: I would like you to find out who murdered Adam and Eve.

[Music swells.]

REX (dumbfounded): Uh… look, Professor! I am a pretty good detective but I think you’re going to want to talk to Father Flynn over at St. Mary’s. 

PERCIVAL: What? No! Mr. Rivetter, y-you misunderstand me. Adam and Eve are birds. Melopsittacus undulatus budgerigar, to be exact. One of my former students presented them to me last year.

REX: Um…

PERCIVAL: I used them in my classroom. Yesterday, they were playing with their toys and interacting with the students as is customary. And today when I came in, they were behaving strangely, indolent. And then each fell off of their perch and lay there in the bottom of the cage.

REX: Maybe they died of old age, how long do these mela…

PERCIVAL: Melopsittacus undulatus budgerigar. They can live anywhere from five to eight years. These two were young, only a year and a half. 

REX: I… see. Um, look, Mr–

PERCIVAL: Bartlett-Finch. Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch. Why is that so difficult to remember Mr. Rivetter?

REX (getting sick of this): Right. Mr. Bartlett-Finch–

PERCIVAL (insistent): Professor. Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch.

REX (trying to be level): Alright. Professor. It has been an extremely long day. I’m pretty beat. Maybe you can phone back tomorrow morning and speak to my secretary, Ms. McIntosh? She can arrange a time an–

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter. Is this a brush-off?

REX: A… huh?

PERCIVAL: Yes, this certainly feels like a brush-off. This is precisely what the police did to me this afternoon. They thought I didn’t notice, but I did. I have eyes like a hawk, Mr. Rivetter. I can see a brush-off from a mile away. 

REX: Look, um–

PERCIVAL: This is precisely why I prefer birds over people. In the animal kingdom, if one member of a species does not wish to associate with another, he will simply–

REX: Okay! Look, hah, professor. What makes you suspect foul play?

PERCIVAL: “Fowl”? Is that a bird joke, Mr. Rivetter?

REX: Foul. What makes you think someone killed your birds, other than the fact that they were fine yesterday?

PERCIVAL: I not only suspect foul play, as you say, I can direct you to the culprit.

REX: To the– huh?

PERCIVAL: The murderer. It was none other than my teaching assistant Evelyn Lawrence. 

REX: Evelyn–

PERCIVAL: Lawrence. She is my teaching assistant. 

REX: And why would she–

PERCIVAL: She does not have an appreciation for our fair fowl friends. 

REX: Shocking. 

PERCIVAL: Indeed.

REX: Can’t you turn her in to uh… well, there must be some sort of governing body–

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter, there are some extenuating circumstances that prevent me from approaching the board without proof. 

REX: Alright, Professor. I’ll tell you what. If I promise to look into this… problem for you, will you go home and get some sleep and let me do the same?

PERCIVAL: Yes, if you agree to call on me tomorrow during my office hours. 

REX: At the university?

PERCIVAL: Of course. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): I figure the only way to get the professor out of there so I can go home and get a little shut-eye is to take his case. He says he shares his office with another instructor, so the best time to reach him would be at one o’clock. I promise I will be there and he promises to have my retainer. I can poke around for a day or so and then return his money. No harm no foul. [SFX - Rex sighs.] I’ve gotta stop saying that word. I leave Jenny a note and extra dough from the Madison affair and then head home. Knowing then what I know now, I should’ve refused the case. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[Whimsical music fades in.]

[Shoutout to fans/DSEntertainment from Dave Rivas.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.] 

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in and The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): By the time I get back to the office the next morning, Jenny is already working the keys on her Remington. She’s nothing if not dedicated. 

[SFX - Typewriter. Door opens.] 

REX: Good morning, Angel!

JENNY: Good morning, Boss. Still in one piece I see.

REX: Sure! Why wouldn’t I be?

JENNY: Well after you and Mrs. Madison came in–

REX: Oh, that! Just wrapping up the case. Turns out our client isn’t who she said she was. By the way, I made a little bonus. I take it you found it?

JENNY: I found it alright. I thought maybe she had… oh, nevermind. Now who is Professor Bartlett-Finch??

REX (already annoyed): Oh, don’t tell me he called. 

JENNY: Twice. He said you were gonna meet with him? He wanted to make sure you had the address.

REX (resigned): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just leaving. 

[SFX - Keys jingle.]

JENNY: Toodles, boss!!

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): It takes me a while to find the professor’s office. There’s a lot of construction going on.

[SFX - Distant construction noises. Door opens.]

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter. Come in. I must apologize for the condition of things on campus. [SFX - Door closes. Muffled construction noises.] They’re building facilities for the new medical school. It’s scheduled to open later this year. None too soon for me. 

REX: No kidding. Well that must be very exciting!

PERCIVAL (appalled): Exciting?? Mr. Rivetter, four years ago I was a leading member of the faculty at this university. I had my own office and three assistants. This semester I have been forced to hold classes in the reception lounge of the religious conference building and share my office with a rutting brute of a man named Simon Hoffman. I have been informed, in no uncertain terms, that his research takes precedence over mine. Have you any idea how that feels, Mr. Rivetter? 

REX: Can’t say that I do. 

PERCIVAL: It’s absurd. But you’re not here to hear about my troubles. I have the money we spoke of, but how can I be assured you won’t just take it and sit on your laurels?

REX: I guess you don’t. I’ll tell you what: if I don’t find anything within say… three days, I will return the full fifty dollars, no harm no fou– That is uh… we’ll call it even. 

PERCIVAL: [SFX - Percival sighs.] Yes, well that seems fair. I will agree to your terms. I imagine you would like to see the crime scene. 

REX (resigned): Yeah. Sure, sure. 

REX (V.O.): Finch leads me down a hall and leads me down a hall to a temporary classroom and laboratory. There’s a typical assortment of odds and ends one might expect to find: chalkboard, some desks, a podium I imagine Professor Finch stands behind as he inflicts knowledge on his students. [Eerie music starts.] (quietly) But there’s also some other items. The walls on one half of the room are covered with pictures and diagrams of every type of bird imaginable. The other half is covered with test tubes and vials and a life-sized mannequin with the internal organs showing. Straight out of a Frankenstein picture. There’s an industrial sized refrigerator against the wall. The kind you might see in a restaurant. I open it to take a peek inside. Inside are several jars of some kind of animals in liquid, I assume is formaldehyde. Some look like mice, but their arms and legs are like the flippers of a dolphin. I half expect to find Igor shuffling around and mixing chemicals.  

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter. [SFX - Glasses clatter as Rex stops fiddling with the jars.] Please do not disturb Professor Hoffman’s things. [SFX - Fridge door closes.] He’s very particular about who he allows in his part of the classroom. Neither I nor any of my students is allowed near his precious equipment.

REX: I’ll do my best. I guess the cleaning lady wasn’t too fond of the birds.

PERCIVAL (confused): The cleaning lady?

REX: Sure, birds tend to… that is, the newspaper at the bottom of the cage is usually… it has a pretty strong odor. 

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter, what are you going on about?

REX: It smells like cleaner in here. Don’t you smell that?

PERCIVAL: I’m afraid I’ve never had much of a sense of smell. That’s one of the amazing things I find fascinating about birds! You have undoubtedly heard the old wives’ tale that if you touch a nest full of eggs that the mother won’t return?

REX: Sure. 

PERCIVAL: It’s poppycock. 

REX: No kidding. 

PERCIVAL: Indeed. Anywho, over here is the cage where I found them. 

REX: Adam and Eve, right? I guess that makes this Eden, haha!

PERCIVAL: Mr. Rivetter?

REX (surprised Percival doesn’t know): You know, like… in the Bible? Adam? Eve?

PERCIVAL: This is not the school of religious studies. I did not name them, Mr. Rivetter. They were a gift from a former graduate student.

REX: Right. So how any idea how the… deceased…

PERCIVAL: They were in one piece. No signs of any turmoil. I thought I should perform a full necropsy–

[SFX - Door opening.]

REX (V.O.): Professor Finch is interrupted just as he begins to  instruct me on the finer points of the avian nervous system. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

ACCENTED MAN: Oh, Professor Finch! I was unaware you would be here. Aren’t these your office hours?

PERCIVAL: Indeed. Professor Hoffman, this is Mr. Rivetter. Mr. Rivetter, this is… Professor Hoffman. Mr. Rivetter is here to investigate the deaths. 

[SFX - Papers and glass shuffling.]

HOFFMAN: Ah, well. Guten-tag, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: You’re… German?

HOFFMAN: Very astute, Mr. Rivetter! I expect the powers of observation such as you have displayed you will get to the bottom of this great mystery in no time! Now, Professor Finch, as per our agreement, the one o’clock hour is mine in the laboratory and as you know, MY work is very important to the university. I do not wish to be disturbed!!

PERCIVAL (disappointed): We were just leaving.

REX (V.O.): The temperature drops about twenty degrees as soon as Hoffmen enters the classroom. There’s definitely no love lost between those two. [SFX - Door opens and closes.] We continue our conversation on the way back to Finch’s office. 

PERCIVAL: My apologies, Mr. Rivetter. We will have to find an appropriate time for you to conduct your investigation. I would have my assistant Evelyn make those arrangements with you, if she weren’t already involved.

REX: What makes you think that she is invol–

PERCIVAL: As I said last night, Mr. Rivetter, Evelyn is not interested in the finer points of ornithology. Her work has slipped lately and she did not show the dedication necessary. [SFX - Door opens.] (startled) Oh– my! Who are you?!

[Music swells.]

LT. BURKE: Good afternoon, Professor Finch. My name is Lieutenant Burke. We met yesterday at the police station, remember me?

PERCIVAL (obviously): Yes, Inspector. I remember you. 

LT. BURKE: Rivetter! 

REX: Hello Inspector! Fancy meeting you here.

REX (V.O.): I’m not sure who’s more surprised: Professor Finch or me at seeing Los Angeles’ Finest in the professor’s office, or Burke at seeing me. 

REX (clearly trying to annoy Burke): And it’s Bartlett-Finch, Inspector. Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch. 

LT. BURKE: Shut your yap! What’re you doing here?

REX: Don’t you remember? You recommended me. 

LT. BURKE: Yes, but I never thought… I never thought you would be so desperate. 

REX: I take all my clients’ concerns seriously. 

LT. BURKE: I see. Well we take some things seriously too, Mr. Rivetter. Especially murder.

PERCIVAL: Finally!

REX: Murder!? It must be a slow day if the city has you investigating parrot-cide. What’s next? The fire department hauling cats out of trees?

PERCIVAL: Melopsittacus undulatus budgerigar, more commonly called parakeets or budgies. Not parrots, Mr. Rivetter. Although they do belong to the parrot family–

LT. BURKE: Can it, both of you! This isn’t about birds, Rivetter. It’s about a dead girl. A student of Mr. Finch’s, one Evelyn Lawrence. Does that name ring a bell, Mr. Finch?

PERCIVAL: Professor–

LT. BURKE & REX: CAN IT!! 

PERCIVAL: She is a student and my assistant, but what does that got to do with–

LT. BURKE: And when was the last time you saw Ms. Lawrence?

PERCIVAL: Monday. She was working late. Why?

LT. BURKE: Monday? Today is Thursday. You say she is your assistant and you haven’t seen her in three days. Isn’t that peculiar?

PERCIVAL: Well… it is rather unlike her, but as I was just telling Mr. Rivetter, her work has been slipping as of late. She has not been showing the same dedication she had earlier in the semester. She was not in class yesterday, which is why I assume she must have had something to do with the deaths of Adam and Eve, a–

LT. BURKE (emphatically): Her body was found in her apartment this morning. What have you got to say about that?

PERCIVAL (stricken): Her… body?

LT. BURKE: That’s right. Ms. Lawrence’s landlady said she noticed an unusual smell coming from her apartment. She went in this morning to investigate, and found the murdered corpse of your student, Evelyn Lawrence. She had been stabbed several times, small incisions. Coroner says it looks like one of those scalpels doctors use. Do you have any scalpels, Mr. Finch?

REX (V.O.): Burke dispatches a couple of flatfoots to check the lab we had just left. [SFX - Hoffman and officers argue.] I hear a heated discussion from down the hall. Professor Hoffman obviously didn’t like being disturbed. Before long, the cops come back with Hoffman following closely behind them. 

[SFX - Arguing fades in.]

HOFFMAN (speaking quickly): …What are you doing, what is the meaning of this– PUT THAT DOWN, PUT THAT DOWN!!

OFFICER: I think we found what we were looking for, Lieutenant. Look, lots of those scalpels. 

[SFX - Bag of scalpels falls on desk.]

HOFFMAN: What is the meaning of this?!?!

LT. BURKE: Who’re you?

HOFFMAN (self-righteously): I am Professor Hoffman. These men of yours are disrupting some very important work!

LT. BURKE: Well, Mr. Hoffman–

REX & PERCIVAL & HOFFMAN: Professor!

LT. BURKE: It seems your esteemed colleague got himself in a little bit of hot water. Do you know Evelyn Lawrence?

HOFFMAN: Evelyn? Yes, yes, I know her.

LT. BURKE: When was the last time you saw her?

HOFFMAN: The last time– I don’t know, a few days ago, I imagine. Why? Is something wrong?

LT. BURKE: She’s dead. 

HOFFMAN: Dead. I see. And you believe that Professor Finch is somehow involved?

LT. BURKE: The thought crossed my mind. 

PERCIVAL: That is absurd!

LT. BURKE: She was stabbed! Seventeen times!

PERCIVAL: Oh my lord!

LT. BURKE: In  my experience that’s the work of someone who’s very angry. It was a crime of passion, Mr. Finch. 

PERCIVAL: I–I-! [SFX - Percival blubbers for the right words to say. Fades behind Rex.]

REX (V.O.): Finch’s eyes start to bulge behind his glasses and his mouth works, but no words come out. He looks like a fish on the moon. Nothing to breathe and no way to make a sound. I expect him to start flopping around on the floor.

LT. BURKE: What do you think the odds are, Mr. Finch, that our lab will find some remains of blood or skin from the victim on one of these instruments?

REX (V.O.): More fish faces.

LT. BURKE: Alright boys, let’s bring Mr. Finch downtown for a little chat. 

REX (V.O.): Out of sheer habit, I’m about to protest on behalf of my client. But, before I can say a word, Percy drops to the floor, prone. 

[SFX - Percival groans and falls on the floor.]

LT. BURKE: What the hell is wrong with him? What’re you trying to pull, Finch? 

OFFICER: Lieutenant, I think he fainted. 

[Whimsical music swells.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), featuring Nick Young (Lt. Burke), guest starring Dave Hilber (Professor Percival Bartlett-Finch) and James Steinberg (Professor Hoffman). Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting second part of Rex Rivetter and The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter Transcript Masterlist

(S1) The Case of the Farmer’s Wife

Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet

Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Case of Triple Indemnity

Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Case of the Missing Ending

Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S2) The Case of Pete and Repeat

Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Long Con

Episode 20 Episode 21 Episode 22 Episode 23

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Homecoming

Episode 24 Episode 25 Episode 26

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murder, Rivetter

Episode 27

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Case of the Jeweler’s Loop

Episode 28 Episode 29 Episode 30 Episode 31

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dancing With the Devil

Episode 32

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S3) Murder Comes at Midnight

Episode 33

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Forget Me, Squared

Episode 34 Episode 35 Episode 36 Episode 37 Episode 38 Episode 39

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Requiem for Innocence

Episode 40 Episode 41

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S4) Deadlier than the Male

Episode 42 Episode 43 Episode 44

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Final Farewell

Episode 45 Episode 46 Episode 47

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S5) Hooray for Hollywood

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 3: The Case of the Farmer’s Wife (Conclusion)

Note: Items with (?) after them are open to feedback, as I am not fluent in Italian.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. And now ladies and gentlemen, the exciting conclusion of Rex Rivetter and The Case of the Farmer’s Wife.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays]

REX (V.O.): The name is Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. I’m working a missing person case for a lady named Virginia Madison. Her husband came to L.A. from small-town Utah a week ago. She hadn’t heard from him since. I found Mr. Madison, or rather, his body had found me. He’d been shot three times in the chest. After a.. lovely conversation with a cop named Lieutenant Burke, I tried to contact my client. I traced her to a swanky hotel on Sunset Plaza. When I knocked on her door she looked surprised. She pulled a gun, and it was my turn to be surprised. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

[SFX - Three short gunshots. Rustling. Glass breaking. Mysterioso (Take 2) by Artie Shaw plays in the background.]

REX (V.O.): I move out of the way just before she squeezes the trigger. She wasn’t ready for a scuffle so taking her cannon away is child’s play. But I give her something to remember not to play with big boy’s toys.

[SFX - A slap. Virginia gasps.]

VIRGINIA: You hit me!

REX (angry): S’a lot less than you deserve. I don’t like being shot at, I’m kinda funny that way. Why don’t we start over, from the beginning? Only this time, play it straight.

VIRGINIA: I-I don’t know what you mean, Mr. Rivetter!

REX: Oh, can it sweetheart. Your husband, or whoever he is, is dead. Nasty case of lead poisoning. The cops think I had something to do with it. I’m tempted to call ‘em up and have ‘em come over so you can explain it. Yourself. 

VIRGINIA (desperate): Oh Rex, please don’t do that! I’m-I’m so frightened—

REX: Oh, are we on a first name basis now?

VIRGINIA: I’m sorry, Rex. I know I wasn’t completely truthful with you, but I didn’t know who to trust! I’m in some trouble and I need your help! You will forgive me, won’t you?

REX (V.O.): She changes from farmer girl to femme fatale without batting an eyelash. I might even have seen a real tremble in her lip. 

REX: Tell me what’s goin’ on. Who was the man that was facedown on my desk this afternoon and how did he get there? And how’s it all connected to the nightclub?

VIRGINIA: Alright, Rex. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything. [Seductive music starts.] Why don’t you sit down? I’ll fix us a drink. It’s the least I can do, and you look like you could use one. I mix a good scotch and soda. 

REX (V.O.): She wasn’t wrong. I don’t know if it’s the day's events or the early spring heat, but she makes a pretty good highball. [SFX - Ice clinking.]

REX: Okay, now we’ve got our giggle juice, why don’t you fill me in?

VIRGINIA: Alright Rex, I’ll tell you the whole story. 

REX (V.O.): She tells a tale, alright. The corpse from my office was her husband, although they were estranged. The picture she had given me was from happier times. He had left her a year ago to follow his brother out west. Chasing a pipe dream of the good life. Easy money and easier women. That’s what he had been promised. Harold Madison phoned his wife two weeks ago, but it wasn’t about a sick mother. He was sending her a package and she was not to open it, under any circumstances. 

VIRGINIA: And I didn’t. At least not at first! But eventually, curiosity got the better of me. I’d been working our small farm by myself. We were behind on the mortgage and the bank was going to foreclose. I was angry, Rex. My husband had left me without so much as a goodbye. He abandoned me and never looked back. Maybe it was spite, maybe it was his voice on the phone that day, or the note he had sent with the package. I don’t know, but I had to know what was in it. So I opened it.

REX (knowing where she’s going): So what was in the package? 

VIRGINIA: Money, Rex. There was money in the package. Over $100,000. I didn’t know what to do! So I bought a bus ticket and came to Los Angeles. I needed to find Harold. That’s when I came to see you.  

REX: Do you still have it?

VIRGINIA: The money? Yes, I put it in a safe place. 

REX: Where?

VIRGINIA: Somewhere I can get to it whenever I need to. 

REX: Smart girl! Why didn’t you call the cops? 

VIRGINIA: I don't know, Rex. I wasn’t thinking. I was scared. I had been on my own for a year. All alone then hearing from Harold out of the blue? [Seductive music starts.] I needed a man, Rex. I needed to feel safe. To feel taken care of. You understand, don’t you? 

REX (V.O.): She moves in close, sliding across the floor as if it were ice. 

VIRGINIA: You’ll take care of me, won’t you, Rex? You’ll protect me?

REX: Protect you from what? 

VIRGINIA: I don’t know. This money? Someone has got to be looking for it. Harry couldn’t have made this kind of dough in a year. It must belong to someone, and they’re going to want it, Rex. 

REX: So why don’t you give it back?

VIRGINIA: Because I don’t know whose money it is! Besides, I deserve it, Rex. I worked my fingers to the bone. I deserve a break. A fresh start. What about you? Come away with me, darling. Let’s start over. $100,000 can get us far away from here. 

REX: That’s a tempting proposal. Where can we go?

VIRGINIA: Anywhere. Anywhere our hearts desire. 

REX: What if they come looking for us? The people who want the money? They killed your husband for it and tried to frame me. How far do you think they’ll go to find the loot? 

VIRGINIA: That’s why we should leave. Tonight. I’ll go get the money, you buy us airline tickets. Anywhere you want to go. 

REX (V.O.): Fresh start, beautiful dame, more money than I would make in two lifetimes as a gumshoe. All I have to do is go along. It isn’t a tough decision at all.

REX: Alright, Mrs. Madison. We can take the money and run. 

VIRGINIA: Virginia. Or Ginny, Rex. I think if we’re going to run away together, we can dispense with the titles. Don’t you, darling?

REX: Ah, that’s not going to work. Sounds too much like my secretary’s name. But I suppose if we’re blowing town, that won’t matter anymore. Why don’t I pick up the dough, though? If someone is after it I wouldn’t want them taking pot shots at that pretty head of yours. I might be better equipped to handle whatever bumps there may be on the road. Tell me where you stashed it and we can meet later.

VIRGINIA: It’s at the bus station. I put it in a locker when I first arrived. But I don’t wanna wait here. Those gunshots, someone will have called the police. 

REX: Good thinkin’. Alright, I’ll tell ya’ what. I’ll go get my car, pack a bag and meet me downstairs in ten minutes. 

VIRGINIA: Alright, darling. 

REX (slyly): Don’t forget to bring the locker key. 

VIRGINIA: What about my gun? 

REX: The way you shoot? It’s safer with me. 

VIRGINIA: Alright, Rex. Wait! A kiss? For luck? 

[SFX - Virginia and Rex make pleasured sounds. Ice clinks.]

REX (V.O.): She tastes like scotch and strawberries. Strong and sugar-sweet. 

[SFX - Door unlocks. Elevator whirrs.]

REX (V.O.): I make my way down to the front desk and leave instructions with the penguin Virginia had spoken to on her way in. In six and a half minutes she comes strolling out a side door and gets in my car. 

[SFX - Car door opens and closes.]

The inevitable arrival of the cops is delayed by the gathering crowd in front of Mocambo’s. Ella Fitzgerald is opening. I read in the papers later that it was at the behest of Joe diMaggio’s ex-wife. Ms. Monroe was there all night long, sitting right up front listening to jazz and drinkin’ hooch. And the fans lined up outside the joint to get a peek. Traffic is backed up for a mile. [SFX - Police sirens fade in.] Luckily, I’m headed the other way. [SFX - Bus station ambiance.] I drive over to Union Station and stand guard as Virginia opens the lock. Number 1219. Inside is an old valise containing a hundred grand. Bud, the mick behind the cage I’d spoken to earlier in the day, doesn’t even wait for us to clear the doors before he’s on the horn. Now it’s just a race against time. 

[Whimsical music fades in.]

[Shoutout to Davey Boy Productions from Greg McAfee.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Rex Rivetter: Private Eye in and The Case of the Farmer’s Wife.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays. Car engine.]

REX (V.O.): I take a right on Third, and Virginia realizes we aren’t headed for the airport.

VIRGINIA: Where are we going, Rex? Shouldn’t we be going in the other direction?

REX: Sure doll, but I need to make a stop at my office. Type a few last details. Then we’re on our way to Mexico or South America, somewhere we can get lost. 

[SFX - Tire squeals. Truck horns. Car door opens and closes. Entrance bell rings. Elevator whirrs and doors open. Typewriter keys.]

REX (V.O.): Jenny’s still at work when we arrive.

JENNY (surprised): Oh, Rex! I-I thought I– Oh Mrs. Madison, hello. I didn’t expect to see you… well… don’t you look… well.

REX: Hello Angel. I think we’ve just about got this case wrapped up. Why don’t you knock off for the night? It should be safe to go to your home now. 

JENNY: Oh uh, sure Rex! You’re the boss. Looks like you’ve got things… well in hand. I guess you’ve got some important… debriefing to do with Mrs. Madison?

REX: We won’t be long. Goodnight, Angel.

JENNY: Goodnight, boss. 

[SFX - Door closes.]

VIRGINIA: So what was it you needed from your office, darling?

[SFX - Rustling.]

REX: Oh, not much. Drink?

VIRGINIA: We can get a drink when we’re out of this town, Rex. At the airport, on the plane. We can get those little drinks they make in coconuts with umbrellas.  

REX: Let’s go into my office. It’s 10:45, it shouldn’t be long now. 

VIRGINIA: What shouldn’t be long? What’s going on, darling?

REX: Just wrapping up a few details, like I said. While you were in your hotel room packing, I stopped by the front desk and asked the clerk to call the cops for me. I told them to meet me here at 11:00. 

VIRGINIA: 11:00? Why?

REX: Because I thought that would give us time to pick up the money and have a little chat. There are still some pieces of the puzzle missing. I figured you could fill me in? You sure you don’t want that drink?

VIRGINIA: Darling, you’re teasing me. Please, don’t!

REX: There are two things I never joke about. (Seriously) One of them’s money. 

VIRGINIA: What’s the other one?

REX: Zeppo Marx. That guy’s just not funny. 

VIRGINIA: Darling–

[SFX - Knocking.]

REX (calling out): In here! [SFX - Door opening.] Come in, I’ve been expecting you. [Shifty music starts.] You’re a little ahead of schedule, but that doesn’t louse up my plans too badly. 

REX (V.O.): The three palookas from outside Mocambo’s enter my little office. [SFX - Guns cocking.] Two of them have pistols drawn. The third, the talker, has a relaxed demeanor like he’s about to tee off at Augusta. 

ITALIAN: Good evening, Mr. Rivetter. Ms. Madison.

REX: Ms. Madison? Don’t you mean Missus?

ITALIAN: Indeed I do not, Mr. Rivetter. 

VIRGINIA: What? Who are they and what are they doing here, Rex?

REX: (to Virginia) Quiet, you. (to Italian) Go on, you were saying?

MICKEY: This broad goes by the nome de plume (?) of Ms. Madison.

ITALIAN: Er– nome de guerre (?). A nome de plume (?) is specifically for a writer. It translates to “pen name” and therefore is not correct in this instance. Nome de guerre (?) is just an assumed name under which the user might paint or write or… in this case, act.

VIRGINIA: Rex, who are these people? 

REX: I told you to be quiet. 

ITALIAN: But where are my manners? We’re not yet properly introduced! Though, perhaps you remember our meeting from earlier?

REX: Yeah, I remember. I owe your friend a little chin music. 

MICKEY (threatening): Try it. [SFX - Gun cocks.]

SOLERNO: That is a score that will need to be settled at a later date, I think. Put away your weapon, Mickey. My name is Anthony Solerno. I work for a man that is quite interested in the contents of that valise you retrieved from the bus station. These are two of my associates, Mickey and Vincent. It is unnecessary for you to introduce yourself. You are a private dick named Rex Rivetter, are you not?

REX: That’s right, although I don’t like that term. But I suppose under the circumstances, that’s not important right now. What is important is that your boss is lookin’ for somethin’, and I found it.

VIRGINIA: Rex!?

REX: Quiet, you. Mommy and Daddy are talking. 

SOLERNO: Yes. My employer has… misplaced his “walking around” money, and while the sum is of no great importance to him, the mere embarrassment of… “misplacing it” is a matter of pride. I hope you understand. 

REX: Sure, I get it. Your boss was ripped off and he wants to retrieve the money quietly. Otherwise, someone else might get the idea that he’s an easy mark. 

SOLERNO: Those are your words, Mr. Rivetter, not mine. But, I believe you have an appreciation of the current predicament. I will take the package and leave, and provided you do not speak out of turn, there will be no further need for a contact between us. 

REX: Swell! There’s just one problem. The matter of “Mrs.” Madison here, and the body of her late husband which you left in my office this afternoon. 

SOLERNO: I do not wish to be contrary, Mr. Rivetter, but that is not our affair. That is between you, the local law enforcement, and the young lady. The valise, if you do not mind. 

REX: I suppose there’s not much I can do to stop you from taking it. There’s three of you and only one of me. Especially with Vinny here still holding a piece on me. 

SOLERNO: Once again, I must applaud your ability to grasp a rather unfortunate situation. Mickey, please retrieve the case. 

MICKEY: Okay, boss.

SOLERNO: We must be on our way. Perhaps we will meet again, Mr. Rivetter, under more fortunate circumstances.

REX: What about the cops?

SOLERNO: What about them? They’re not due here for… [SFX - Pocketwatch opens.] another seven minutes. 

REX (V.O.): This guy was getting spooky.

REX: They’re gonna want a story, and I don’t have all the pieces. They can be pretty persuasive, if I don’t have a good tale to tell. They might get a little rough.

SOLERNO: I see. You would like to know how it all happened. Alright, but I will need to be brief. 

VIRGINIA: Rex, they’re taking our money! We– [SFX - Rex slaps her. Virginia gasps.]

REX: I won’t tell you again. [SFX - Ice clinks.] Here, take some ice. Don’t want that lip to swell. 

VIRGINIA: If you think I’m gonna sit here and let them take my money–

[SFX - Shuffling. Vincent grunts. Gun cocks. Virginia yelps.]

REX: Watch it!!

SOLERNO: Vincent–!

VIRGINIA: Rex!!!

[A gunshot. Music swells.]

SOLERNO: My apologies, Mr. Rivetter. It was never my intention to involve you further. Ms. Madison went for the money, and Vincent reacted.

REX: I suppose it couldn’t be helped. What happens now? Mickey shoots me and Ms. Madison here and you all get away scot-free?

SOLERNO: When the police arrive and find three dead bodies, there will be an investigation and the possibility of it leading back to my employer is… undesirable. Perhaps there is another solution. 

REX: You wanna leave Vincent here and pin the whole thing on Virginia? She played me for a sap from the start. The minute she stepped into my office there was a bullseye painted on my back. Once I started getting close to an answer, she threw me off track and by luring her husband here and shooting him in my office. 

VIRGINIA: Rex, I–

REX: It was your ability with a gun that tipped me off. You put three bullets dead center in your husband’s chest, and tried to do the same to me back at the hotel. Quite a shot, aren’t ya', sweetheart. 

VIRGINIA: My father taught me how to shoot when I was a little girl. I never thought it would come in so handy. I wasn’t lying when I told you that Harold had left me to work the farm. But he was my brother, not my husband. It was hard work, and I was going insane trying to keep the place running. So when he called and told me about the money, I knew what I had to do. I had to find it. This town was so big, I didn’t know where to start, so I hired you. 

REX (connecting dots): Came up with a story that would get me to find him for you. 

VIRGINIA: That’s right, Rex. I followed you to the bus station and that’s when I saw Harold. He was walking in just as I was hailing a cab to follow you after you left, so I followed him instead. He took a little bit of money from the locker and then went to a bar. He was with a woman. So I went back to my room and called him at the bar. I lured him to your office with the intention of killing all three of you: Harold, your secretary, and you. I had to cover my tracks. It was just lucky that no one else was here. Lucky. So I shot him and called the police, figuring that would implicate you and get me off the hook. Then, I took the money Harold had on him and the locker key from his pocket and left. 

REX: Why didn’t you get the money and run?

VIRGINIA: I got nervous. I started to wonder where you had gone and who you had talked to. I thought maybe someone was watching the lockers. But I knew I couldn't stay at the boarding house anymore.   

REX: So you took the dough and bought yourself some nice new clothes. And you moved to a new spot while you tried to figure out if someone knew where the money was. Once I came knockin’ on your door, you figured I could get it for you. Is that about right?? 

VIRGINIA: Yes, yes that’s right. What tipped you off?

REX: When you took the money and the locker key, you also took his matches. If it hadn’t been for the matchbook I found outside your room at Haversham’s, I might never’ve gotten onto you.

VIRGINIA: What’re you going to do now?

REX: I think this is a matter for the cops.  

SOLERNO: Then this is where I must take my leave of you. Good evening, Mr. Rivetter. It has been an interesting turn of events.

REX: Not so fast, slick. I don’t think we’ve finished our business.

SOLERNO: Oh?

REX: I expect your boss will be happy to have this matter resolved, yes? 

SOLERNO: I expect he will, ye– 

REX: He might even be willing to offer a… finder’s fee, for this “walking around” money. Say… one percent? 

SOLERNO: Hahahaha… I cannot emphasize upon you how much I am impressed with your abilities, Mr. Rivetter. Even if my employer would not be willing to offer such a boon, I myself am quite relieved to have this matter come to a close. [SFX - Money rustling.] A reward. A finder’s fee, if you will. It was worth it to me to watch how you work. Also, this is America. We are capitalists, Mr. Rivetter. You have performed a service, and should be properly compensated. 

[Music flourish.] 

REX (V.O.): Maybe it was the predicament I was in. Maybe it was the idea of catching up on back-rent, or paying Jenny some of the wages she had earned lately. Or maybe it was just that this case had been a real pain in my ass. But I take the money. When the cops come, I turn Virginia Madison over the boys in blue for the murder of her husband, Harold Madison. [SFX - Handcuffs tightening.] Lieutenant Burke doesn’t buy the whole story, but enough of it to make him rest.

LT. BURKE: There are still some things that don’t add up, Rivetter. But we have a murder weapon, and a description from an eyewitness from earlier this afternoon, matches Mrs. Madison’s description. 

REX: Eyewitness?

LT. BURKE: Some fellow from down the hall, a lawyer. He said he saw a lady leaving your office after hearing what sounded like a car backfire. Three times. Provided the ballistics report from the hotel match the slugs we took from the body from your office earlier, and the fingerprints on the weapon match the suspect, you’re off the hook. (Threatening) But don’t worry, Rex old boy, you’re on my list now, and I’ll be watching. 

REX: Careful, Lieutenant. I’m getting all goose-pimpled. 

[SFX - Door closes. Music ends.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

REX (V.O.): It had been a long day. I’d been beaten up, shot at, seduced, and accused of murder. And somewhere in there I managed to solve a case, and make a little bit of cabbage. Would’ve been a perfect time to have a drink and catch forty winks on the couch in my office. Unfortunately things don’t always work out like we plan. 

[SFX - Knocks. Door opens squeakily.]

MAN: Hello? Is anyone here?

REX (tired): Go away.

MAN: I’m looking for Rex Rivetter?

REX: He flew South for the winter. 

MAN: Well I’d like to hire him. I have money.

REX: [SFX - Papers and glasses shuffling as Rex startles up.] I’m up, I’m up! 

REX (V.O.): Feast or Famine. Sometimes that’s the way it is in this business. Little did I know that this case was going to change my life. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), featuring Steve Murdoc (Anthony Solerno) and Nick Young (Lt. Burke), guest starring Debbie David (Virginia Madison), with special appearances by James Steinburg and Dave Hibler. Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for The Case of the Poisoned Parakeet. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking.  

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 2: The Case of the Farmer's Wife (Part 2)

Note: Item with (?) is open for feedback.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. Tonight's episode: The Case of the Farmer’s Wife, Part Two. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays]

REX (V.O.): The name’s Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. I’m working a simple missing person case for a lady named Virginia Madison. Her husband came to L.A. from small-town Utah a week ago. She hadn’t heard from him since. So far, the investigation had taken me to the bus station, Mocambo’s (a posh restaurant on Sunset), and back to my office, where I found Mr. Madison, laying across my desk with three ventilation holes in his chest. The intrepid boys in blue cart me to a lovely ten-by-ten downtown.

[SFX - Police sirens. Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends. Sirens get louder. Large door opens. Footsteps. Handcuffs jingle. Rex grunts as he’s forced down a hallway.]

OFFICER: Alright, take him over to Room Three. I have a few questions for Mr… How do you say your name? 

REX: Rivetter.

OFFICER: Rivetter. What kind of name is that?

REX: It’s a family name. My mom was Rosie, she worked in a factory during the war.

OFFICER: Oh look boys, we got ourselves a regular Jackie Gleason here. Alright Mr. Gleason, let’s have us a little chat, shall we?

[SFX - Handcuffs jingling. Rex and cops grunting. Handcuffs tighten. Door slams shut.]

REX (V.O.): A couple of coppers take me into a room with a desk and two chairs. The only light comes from a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. One of them stands by the door and the other one leaves. The chatty one hasn’t joined us yet. I could’ve been sitting there for half-an-hour or half a day. With no windows or little outside noise, it’s hard to gauge the passing of time. Eventually though, the door opens and in walks my new best friend.

[SFX - Door opens. Telephone rings. Door slams shut.]

I hadn’t noticed before just how tall he was. About six-foot-three with shoulders like a moving van. He carries a cup of coffee and is finishing a sandwich.

[SFX - Chair squeaks across the floor]

OFFICER: Have a seat, Mr. Rivetter. 

REX: I’ll have a BLT, easy on the mayo. 

OFFICER: Alright, Rex. Can I call you Rex?

REX: Mmmm, no.

LT. BURKE: Alright Rex, let’s try and be civil, shall we? My name’s Lieutenant Burke and you’re in a little bit of hot water.

REX: What’s wrong, I forget to buy a ticket to the Boys in Blue Charity Event?

LT. BURKE: I think you know why you’re here?

REX: Yeah, I don’t like policemens’ balls.

[SFX - Chair scraping the floor, papers fluttering as Burke gets up in offense.]

LT. BURKE: Funny, Rex. Very amusing. You should write those jokes down and send them into the radio. You could make yourself some money.

[SFX - Chair scraping the floor as Burke sits back down.]

REX: I got a job, thanks. 

LT. BURKE: Yes. You’re a private detective, and not a very good one by the looks of your office. You should find a cleaning woman. You know, someone to pick up the files, dust the furniture, move the dead bodies, that sort of thing?

[SFX - Officer outside laughs.]

LT. BURKE: Oh, you like that one Mallory? You see Mr. Rivetter? I’m funny too. Just ask anyone.

REX: Can I ask anyone? I’d like to call up my lawyer and ask him. He loves a good laugh. 

LT. BURKE: Mmm, sorry.

[SFX - Telephone is pushed off the desk.] 

I don’t see a telephone around. Maybe later. In the meantime, why don’t you tell me who the dead man was in your office?

REX: Sorry, Officer. He came with the place, like a lame duck mascot. 

LT. BURKE: Lieutenant. 

REX: Alright, sorry Officer. He came with the place, like a lame duck lieutenant. 

[SFX - Burke’s chair scrapes against the floor. Burke strikes Rex. Papers flutter. Rex grunts.]

LT. BURKE: Now, Mr. Rivetter. I don’t mind a little resistance. It’s good for the soul. A man who gives up information too easily is either stupid or a coward. But I think we’ve had about enough. I don’t believe you’re stupid, and you’ve shown you’re not a coward, so can we just skip to the part of the investigation where you tell me what I want to know?

REX: I’d like to help ya’, but I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about. 

[SFX - Burke’s chair scrapes against the floor.]

LT. BURKE: I’m talking about the dead man in your office! You were standing next to him when the officers arrived.

REX (V.O.): Either I haven’t fully recovered from the broderick I got from the Italian earlier, or Lieutenant Burke has bricks for hands. I’m a little light-headed, and the single bulb overhead has turned to three, and they’re chasing one another around like shirts in an electric drying machine at the laundromat. 

LT. BURKE: Mr. Rivetter, this isn’t Chicago or New York or even Las Vegas. This is Los Angeles. We do things differently here. We don’t like gambling here, or narcotics. We’re shutting down the Red Light Districts and ridding the city of harlots. We don’t like socialism here, and we don’t like organized crime here. And we especially don’t like private citizens practicing law enforcement here.

[SFX - Burke’s chair scrapes against the floor.]

You understand what I’m getting at? (Theatrically) This is the City of Angels, Mr. Rivetter! And there was a war in Heaven, and Michael and his angels fought against the dragon and the dragon fought against his angels! [SFX - Burke’s chair scrapes against the floor.] Revelations, Chapter Twelve, Verse Seven. 

[SFX - Knocking.]

LT. BURKE: Who is it?

[SFX - Grate slides open.]

OFFICER: Sorry, Lieutenant, we have to cut him loose. 

LT. BURKE: Who says, what?

OFFICER: The old man! Says there’s new evidence and we don’t have enough to hold him on. 

REX (V.O.): Burke suddenly changes shades of red that would turn a traffic light green with envy. 

[SFX - Chair scrapes against the floor. Papers flutter. Telephone ringing. Angry footsteps fade. Door slams shut. Handcuffs loosen.]

He storms out of the room and takes the door guard with him. 

OFFICER: You’re free to go, mister. But I wouldn’t so much as jaywalk. Burke has a tendency to hold a grudge. 

REX: Thanks for the advice.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts]

[SFX - Telephone ringing. Footsteps. City ambiance.]

REX (V.O.): I collect my things and head out of the cop shop. Soon as I get outside I see a familiar face. I don’t believe in coincidences. 

FRIEND: Hiya, Rex!

REX: Hello Breslow. Long time no see. 

BRESLOW: Yeah. What’s it been? Close to ten years. How ya’ been?

REX: …I’ve had worse days.

BRESLOW: Ain’t we all. What’re you up to now?

REX: Little of this, little of that. What about you?

BRESLOW: I heard you were running your own investigation agency. How ‘bout that?

REX (unimpressed): That’s right.

BRESLOW: Say, I might be able to pass you a case. That’s what you call them, right? A case?

REX: And why would you do me such a favor?

BRESLOW: Come on, Rex! We’re pals, ain’t we? 

REX: Sure, Abe. We’re pals. Maybe you can give your pal a lift back to his office.

BRESLOW: Sure, Rex! I’d be happy to. We can talk on the way. 

REX (V.O.): By the look of his suit and the Jalopy he drives, Abe Breslow has done alright for himself over the years. [SFX - Car horns.] He kills a few minutes with small talk, but eventually comes to the point. 

BRESLOW: I need to talk to you, Rex. 

REX: My number’s in the book. 

BRESLOW: Ah, come on, don’t be that way. I need a favor. Who else can I turn to but my old buddy Rex Rivetter? 

REX: I’m afraid my office is being remodeled. Maybe we can meet later? 

BRESLOW: Sure! Here’s one of my cards. Call me tonight.

REX (V.O.): Abe Breslow. Accountant to the Stars. That’s what the card says. It’s one of those fancy glossy ones with a picture of an edding (?) machine on it. Yeah, my old buddy is doing pretty well for himself. 

[SFX - Trolley bell dings.]

REX: Alright, this is the place. I’ll give you a ring later. Thanks for the lift!

BRESLOW: Sure, Rexie! I’ll see you later. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. SFX - Gravel footsteps. Car honks and tire screeches.]

REX (V.O.): I watch Abe’s convertible Bel Air make the light on Third and disappear into traffic before heading upstairs to my office. 

[SFX - Phone ringing. Elevator door opens. Keys jingle.]

Jenny has got the filing cabinets upright and most of the paperwork already put away. She’s cleaning a chalk outline from my desk. The smell of ammonia is overpowering.

JENNY: Oh Christ, Rex! You scared me half to death!

REX: Sorry Angel. You alright?

JENNY: Yes, I’m fine. But you look horrible! Oh, those cops made almost as big a mess as… who did this, Rex?

REX: That’s the question, isn’t it. Once I figure that out I’ll have the case solved.

JENNY: So what’s our next move?

REX: Ours? Your next move is to go home. 

JENNY: I can’t go home, I’m too upset! I’d rather stay here and clean. If I go home, I’ll just sit around thinkin’ about the mess I’m gonna have to come into tomorrow.

REX: Alright. Go over to your boyfriend’s place. Stay with him for a few days. What’s his name again?

JENNY: Oh. Um… Stanley. No, I can’t stay with him, he’s… out of town. Business, you know how much he travels. 

REX: Alright, er.. you can stay at my place. There’s a key under the mat.

JENNY (incredulously): Stay at your place, what? And have the rest of the secretary pool gossip? No thank you. I’ll be safe here. Mr. Schneider from the deli downstairs said he would come up and check on me. I’ll be fine, Rex. What about you? What are you gonna do?

REX: Well, I suppose I should update our client on the case. She’ll want to know that her husband is dead. 

JENNY: Alright. The phone works, Rex. Please call me if there’s anything I can do. (Sternly) And please be careful.

REX (V.O.): I grab my extra gun from the shoebox in the cabinet. The cops had taken the one in my desk. 

[SFX - Gun cocks.] 

REX: Come on, Angel. You know how cautious I am. 

JENNY: Yes, that’s you, ever vigilant. Oh, I almost forgot. While you were gone, a man came to see you. 

REX: Tall? Olive complexion? Nice suit?

JENNY: Why, yes! How did you know?

REX: He found me.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. SFX - Car engine start.]

REX (V.O.): I drive over to the flop house Virginia Madison was staying at. It’s a boarding house leftover from the war. [SFX - Dogs barking. Footsteps.] The landlady says my client checked out early that afternoon. By my estimate, only a couple hours after she hired me. The promise of five bucks gets the lady talking.

LANDLADY: She left in a hurry, mister. She made a phone call, and then left. She returned less than an hour later, packed her things, and was out the door within a quarter of an hour. 

REX: She made a call?

LANDLADY: Oh, yes sir. A gentleman, I’d imagine, by the way she spoke. 

REX: Did she mention a name?

LANDLADY: No, but her tone was very familiar.

REX: Did you notice anything unusual? Did she… sound angry, or upset?

LANDLADY: Mm, no. She was very calm, very well-spoken.

REX: I see. Do you mind if I take a look in the room?

LANDLADY: Well, I haven’t rented it out yet, but there’s nothing in there. She took her clothes and all of her personal items! 

REX: Well, that’s fine. I’ll just take a quick peek.

LANDLADY: Alright, make it very quick. But if someone comes looking to rent the room–

REX: Oh don’t worry, I won’t be long!

[SFX - Door opening and closing. Footsteps.]

REX (V.O.): The landlady is right. The room is nearly spotless. I look around and only find that Virginia Madison opened the window. A thin coat of dust covers the sill from the cars on the street out front. A few cigarette butts are on the ground below. And a matchbook. The name “Mocambo’s” is emblazoned across the front. That’s the second time that name has come up. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences.

[SFX - Footsteps.]

Mrs. Haversham has one more piece of information as I’m leaving.

HAVERSHAM: Ay, mister! I did remember one thing about the call. At the very end, she said she missed him. I remember thinking that it sounded like telephone calls me and my late husband, Mr. Haversham, and I had when he was away. Does that help?

REX: Thank you, ma’am. Yes, it does help.

REX (V.O.): I give her the promised five and an extra fin to forget I was there. I’m quickly burning through my fifty dollar retainer, but I need to cover my tracks in case someone is looking to repeat their performance from earlier, making me a corpse along with Mr. Madison. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts. SFX - Car engine start.]

REX (V.O.): The drive over to Mocambo’s is just long enough for me to come up with every question imaginable, but not long enough for any answers. Harold Madison had gotten himself into something serious, serious enough to lie to his wife about a sick mother. Serious enough for his wife to come all the way from Utah. Serious enough to get him killed. But what was it? Where had his wife run off to? Who was on the other end of that call? And how did a fancy gin joint like Mocambo’s fit in? And above all, and through it all, why do I have a feeling I’m missing something? All of the questions. None of the answers. I have no idea what’s in store for me before the end of the night. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends. Fades into whimsical music.]

[Shoutout to Davey Boy Productions from Greg McAfee.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to Part Two of Rex Rivetter and The Case of the Farmer’s Wife.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays. SFX - Car engine rumbling.]

REX (V.O.): By the time I reach Mocambo’s, it’s nearly eight o’clock. There’s a line of Hollywood hopefuls waiting to get in. These are the fresh and foolish. [Mysterioso (Take 2) by Artie Shaw plays in the background.] The real industry heavyweights won’t be in till the second seating at ten. By then, all these folks will be gone, ushered out the back if necessary. We can’t have the city’s elite dining with the “unwashed masses”. As I sit in my car trying to figure out my next move, the gods of happenstance must’ve taken pity on me. I look in the rear-view mirror to see a city taxi pull up not more than two hundred feet away. [SFX - Car engine stops. Car door opens.] A newly widowed Virginia Madison energes like a snake shedding its skin. [SFX - Heelsteps.] First one leg, then a second. She’s changed out of her poor farmer wife getup and is ready for a night on the town that would put a Hollywood starlet to shame. Her red dress matches her red lips. I think back to what Lieutenant Burke said at the precinct earlier. The angel battles the devil. Looks like the devil had won. I get out of the car and tail my client from a safe distance. She crosses the street and walks up a small hill on Sunset Plaza to a swanky hotel. Pretty high-class for a farmer from Utah. And so is her outfit. Virginia Madison goes inside and speaks to a penguin at the front desk. He retrieves an envelope from a box marked “327” and hands it to her. She heads off towards the elevator while I stand outside and smoke a cigarette. [SFX - Lighter flicks. Footsteps. Elevator whirrs.] I wait long enough for her to get up to the room and get comfortable, then I take the elevator up to the third floor and find her room. [SFX - Knocking.] Saying she is surprised to see me is an understatement. 

VIRGINIA: Mr… Mr. Rivetter! What are you doing here?

REX: Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

VIRGINIA: I… I couldn’t stand it cooped up in that little room anymore. I was just about to call your office and tell your secretary–

REX (growing angrier): Can it, sweetheart. I figure we got some things to talk about. Like your little charade at my office earlier, and why you left Mrs. Haversham’s in such a hurry. Who’s the guy on the other end of that horn this morning that got you so scared that you had to blow? Why is a woman that’s so frantic about finding her husband gets all dolled up like she’s ready to paint the town and what’s it got to do with the fancy gin joint around the corner?

REX (V.O.): I think I’ve caught her off guard. Just another example of how little I know about dames. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bean shooter. She fires three times, right at my chest. 

[SFX - Three short gunshots.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny McIntosh), featuring Nick Young (Lt. Burke), guest starring Debbie David (Virginia Madison), with appearances by Laura Preble, Frank Remiatte (Abe Breslow), and Jennifer McKenna. Tonight’s episode was written by Greg McAfee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting conclusion of Rex Rivetter, and The Case of the Farmer’s Wife. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]

[rex-rivetter-transcripts]

Rex Rivetter: Private Eye

Episode 1: The Case of the Farmer's Wife (Part 1)

Note: Not sure if I heard items with (?) after them correctly. Would appreciate feedback.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

Tonight and every Monday night, Downstairs Entertainment in association with Davey Boy Productions presents: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye. Tonight's episode: The Case of the Farmer’s Wife. And now ladies and gentlemen: Rex Rivetter: Private Eye.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw plays.]

REX (V.O.): The name’s Rivetter. Rex Rivetter. License number 698753, issued by the Police Department of Los Angeles. Occupation: Private Detective. Sometimes known as a Private Eye, or a Private Dick. I don’t like that term, Private Dick. But it’s better than being called a Public Dick, or being called a dick in public. I got a little office on 3rd and Grand, above the delicatessen. Down the hall is a mail-order Bible salesman, a Chinese dentist, and a shyster lawyer that's always stopping me on the street asking if I can pass him a client or two, and promising he'll make it worth my while. Over the years there have been a few times I've been tempted to take him up on his offer. My office isn't much, but I’m my own boss and I make my own hours. Usually.

[SFX - Typewriter.] 

JENNY: Good morning, Mr. Rivetter. Getting in a little late this morning, aren’t we? 

REX: Who’s running this place, Jenny? You or me?

JENNY: Oh, well, but the jury’s still out. But when you show up half past ten, somebody has to hold back the throng of adoring admirers. 

REX: Forget the fans, what we need are clients. Otherwise, I won’t be able to pay your exorbitant wages.

JENNY: Wait, you’re supposed to be paying me? All this time, who knew? Well then, maybe you should step into your office. United Service just dropped off a parcel.

[SFX - Typewriter fades away. Door opens.]

REX (V.O.): Jenny was right. There is a package waiting. [Seductive music starts.] She has the kind of figure that leaves a man dizzy and short of breath. She’s standing at the window when I walk in, gazing out across the street watching a trolley car pass by. She turns to look at me with oversized cobalt peepers and a face fresh from the farm. She’s been crying.

WOMAN (rushed): You must be Mr. Rivetter, is that right?

REX: That’s right.

WOMAN: Mr. Rivetter, my husband is missing! I would like you to find him.

REX: Well, Mrs–

VIRGINIA: Madison. Virginia Madison.

REX: Well, Mrs. Madison, that’s really a job for the local butt–

VIRGINIA: Buttons?

REX: Sorry, the cops! 

VIRGINIA: Oh, I’ve spoken with the police! They took a report but I don’t think they’re working very hard to find him. After all this is a big city, and I imagine they have more important things to do than look for one man.

REX: More important?

VIRGINIA: Well, more important to them. Nothing is more important to me, Mr. Rivetter, than finding my dear Harold. That’s his name, my husband, Harold Madison. 

REX: I see, well that’s very understanding of you, Mrs. Madison. Most people don’t give the local boys in blue that much consideration.

VIRGINIA: We aren’t from Los Angeles Mr. Rivetter. Harold only came to the city to visit his sick mother.

REX: Huh. Sick mother, huh?

VIRGINIA: Yes. She took ill a few weeks ago and Harold hasn’t any brothers or sisters, so he came to visit her here in the hospital. He telephoned me when he arrived but I haven’t heard from him since. That was over a week ago, Mr. Rivetter.

REX: Have you been by the hospital to see his mother?

VIRGINIA: Yes, Mr. Rivetter. Those were the first places I went. I checked all of the hospitals.

REX: All of them?

VIRGINIA: Well, we only have one hospital in Cedar City where I’m from. I didn’t think to ask Harold which one his mother was at.

REX: Cedar City?

VIRGINIA: Utah, Mr. Rivetter. It’s a small town. We have a little farm just outside in the country. It’s not much, just a few chickens and a cow for milk, but it’s all ours.

REX: Uh huh. So did you find the elder Mrs. Madison?

VIRGINIA: That’s the queer thing, Mr. Rivetter. I called around at all the hospitals and I couldn't find Harold or his mother. I’m afraid I might be going insane. But I’m certain Harold bought a bus ticket to Los Angeles, I am sure of it.

REX: I see. Do you have a photo of your husband, Mrs. Madison?

VIRGINIA: Yes! Right here. [SFX - Paper shuffling.]

REX: Very nice! Is this you and Mr. Madison at your farm?

VIRGINIA: Yes.

REX: And this must be the cow you spoke of, in the background.

VIRGINIA: Yes, Mr. Rivetter. But she’s back at home, I don’t need you to find her. 

REX (V.O.): I can’t tell if she’s putting me on or not.

REX: Does your husband come to Los Angeles very often, Mrs. Madison?

VIRGINIA: No, sir. Neither of us has ever been outside of Utah before, that’s why I’m so worried! What if something happened to him? What if he was kidnapped or robbed, I—!

REX: Look, Mrs. Madison. I understand your concern. But I’ve been doing this a long time, and I would like to offer you a piece of advice, for free, if you don’t mind. [Seductive music starts.] Go back home to Culver. Your husband probably got caught up in the excitement of the big city, of being away from the farm and his responsibilities. A man needs to get away every once in a while and breathe! He’ll come back in a few days, a little embarrassed, but otherwise none the worse for wear. And when he comes back, don’t ask him where he’s been. Just be happy he’s alive, pretend you were never here.

VIRGINIA: Thank you Mr. Rivetter, for your advice. But you don’t know my husband. He would never run off like this! He is a good, upstanding man. And it’s Cedar City, not Culver. Cedar City, Utah?

REX (V.O.): She passes the first test. Virginia Madison shakes my hand and tells me she’s staying at a dump a few blocks away. I let her know I’ll contact her the minute I learn anything. She leaves my office looking a little more relieved, but not before dropping off a wad of bills with Jenny. My $50 retainer in 5s and 10s, which I apply to a week’s worth of investigations. Anything I don’t use, I return at the end of the week. That’s the way I do things. They don’t like it, they can find some other schlub.

[Music fades out. Trolley bell rings.] 

[SFX - Typewriter.]

JENNY: So, a case huh? Anything interesting?

REX: Not really. Just your basic missing person. I’ll be going out for a bit, Jenny.

JENNY: Well, what do I tell if Ms. Lebowitz comes looking for rent?

REX: Give her a couple {saw bugs} and tell her I love her.

[SFX - Typewriter fades out. Car engine starts.] 

REX (V.O.): I take a spin over to Union Station and flash Harold Madison’s picture around. It’s a long shot, but I figure it’s worth a try. 

[SFX - Car honks, engines running, train boarding announcements.]

REX: ‘Scuse me! I’m looking for a guy who would’ve come in from Utah last Tuesday.

ATTENDANT: You’re gonna wanna talk to Bud over there in the cage. He can help you.

REX (V.O.): “Bud” is a middle-aged stick figure man sitting in a wooden kiosk behind a thick iron cage. As I approach he snubs out an unfiltered and pulls a bag of tobacco out of his shirt pocket to roll another. 

REX: Are you Bud?

BUD: That’s right, boyo. You buy your tickets over at the counter there.

REX: I’ll keep that in mind but I’m not leavin’. I’m wondering if you've seen this man. 

REX (V.O.): His face changes from summer to winter.

BUD: Uh, no sir, can’t says I have. Er, w-who is he to you?

REX: He’s my brother-in-law! He’s coming into town for a visit but he never showed up. 

BUD: Oh, that’s too bad.

REX: Here, why don’t you take a closer look?

BUD: Mm, nope sorry mister, never seen him before. But we get tons of people coming through this place every day, how am I supposed to remember someone from over a week ago?

REX: That’s funny, I never told you when he came through.

REX (V.O.): Bud is starting to lose his composure.

BUD: Well, uh, sorry mister, I really can’t help ya’.

REX (V.O.): The thin man starts to slide a wooden panel down. I slip one of my business cards to him before he closes the gate completely. 

REX: You should probably get used to looking through bars like that. Why don’t I call a cop friend of mine and have him come over for a chat, I’m sure he’d be very interested in you. 

REX (V.O.): That got his attention. 

BUD: Look, friend, I don’t want any trouble, and I definitely don’t want no police coming around here asking a bunch of questions. I like my job and I want to keep it. And I don’t want no trouble with anybody else. I’ve got a parcel (?) of kids at home! I gotta think about them!

REX: Just tell me what I need to know and we’ll part ways.

REX (V.O.): His eyes roll around like the reels on a Vegas slot machine. 

BUD: I might’ve seen a fellow that looked similar to your man, but I don’t remember much.

REX: Go on.

BUD: I don’t remember anything other than I saw him passing through here. He had a suitcase, I think! An old, beat-up one.

REX (V.O.): A lemon and two oranges.

REX: Of all the people that come through here you remember that one. Something about him must’ve caught your attention. 

REX (V.O.): There go the eyes again.

BUD: Well, he came up to my counter and asked about a place to get a drink and then where to catch a cab. 

REX (V.O.): Two sevens and a cherry! 

REX: Any club in particular?

BUD: Well, let me see if I can remember…

REX (V.O.): I slip a sawbuck (?) through the cage and pull the one-armed bandaid (?) again. Three cherries.

BUD: Oh, now I recall! Mocambo’s!

REX (V.O.): Jackpot!

[SFX - Train boarding announcements. Fades into whimsical music.]

[Shoutout to Davey Boy Productions from Greg McAfee.]

REX (V.O.): I’m working a missing person case. A young woman by the name of Virginia Madison hired me to find her husband. He‘d come out to Los Angeles from Cedar City, Utah seven days ago. He called her from the bus station when he arrived, but she hadn’t heard from him since. A talk from a mick at the depot points me in the direction of Mocambo’s. It’s a hot spot for the rich and wanna-be famous over on Sunset. It’s the kinda place where you go to see and be seen. Sinatra, Ava Gardner, Joe DiMaggio and his ex-wife all frequent the place. It’s known for its celebrity clientele and floor-to-ceiling aviaries. I’ve never been inside (it’s not my cup of gin) but I read about it in the papers a few years back. Hah, it seems one of those Hollywood stars punched some guy named Jimmy Fiddler across the beak in retaliation for some comments Fiddler had made in his column in the Times. Jenny clipped the story out of the paper and saved it in a scrapbook. I don’t remember if she knew Fiddler or the actor or if she was just making a “things to do list” and Mocambo’s was on it.

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw ends.]

REX (V.O.): It’s a little early in the day for this kinda clip joint to be open. It’s strictly a “dinner and a show” kind of house. As I drive up a trio of Italians in hundred-dollar suits steps outside. 

[SFX - Car door closes and footsteps.]

One of them seems to hold the rapt attention of the other two. I think I’ll stick my nose in and see who takes a swing. 

ITALIAN: And do you see, my friends, where the irony is? He does not know that “La Isla de los Alcatraces” translates to “Island of the Pelicans!” Hahahaha… Excuse me sir, but we are not open until seven o’clock this evening. Perhaps you’ll return then? 

REX: Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for this man, have you seen him? [SFX - photo shuffling]

REX (V.O.): The mouthy one stares at the picture blankly for a minute and then replies:

ITALIAN: Mayhaps you did not hear me correctly. This fine establishment is not open at this time. Returning at seven o’clock will be more propitious for you.

REX (V.O.): One of the other Brunos in pinstripes throws a hammer into my gut.

[SFX - Punch, Rex grunts.]

(Strained) I dole over like a prima ballerina taking a final bow, but I’m not done with him. (Through fighting) I throw my face into his fist, my stomach into his knee, and before he knows it… I’m on the sidewalk and he’s standing on top of me. 

ITALIAN: You’ll have to excuse my associate. He’s very anxious to please our employer. Mickey, apologize to the nice man and help him back into his automobile. 

[SFX - Mickey forcing Rex into his car.]

Please, do not forget your hat. A man should never be without a hat. [SFX - Car door slams shut.] (Muffled) Did you know that men have worn hats since the ancient times? They are worn to keep the sun off of faces, to provide warmth to the top of the head when it is cold, and in the case of Vincent here, to add a few inches to a diminutive frame. 

REX (V.O.): I lay across the front seat of my car until it stops hurting to breathe. By my estimate, that’s sometime around August of 1964. Once I can sit up without wincing I start the car. [SFX: Car engine start.] Quick look over at the doors to Mocambo’s shows that the mouthpiece and the gorilla with the anvil fist has gone back inside. The short one, Vincent, standing by the door giving me the eye. I file his features away for later reference and head back to the office. Jenny meets me downstairs at the deli.

[SFX - Entrance bell rings.]

JENNY: You back already? Oh! Wow, Rex, what happened to ya’?

REX: Girl Scouts are getting more aggressive in their cookie sales.

JENNY: No kidding! Well I hope you brought me a box of chocolate mints.

REX: Sorry Angel, all they had were vanilla.

JENNY: Oh. I got a first aid kit upstairs, do you need some help gettin’ into the elevator?

REX: No, thanks. I think I can manage. 

REX (V.O.): Jenny looks at me with big puppy dog eyes. She’s a good kid. I recognize the irony: I’m a private detective, I dig into people’s pasts for a living. Never got the full skinny on her’s. I figure she’ll fill me in when she’s ready. 

[SFX - Elevator moving.]

We take the elevator up to the second floor. 

[SFX - Elevator doors open.]

JENNY: Oh here, let me get the— Oh my!!

REX (V.O.): The place had been ransacked. Cabinet drawers are open, papers and files are everywhere. The sounds of sirens and flat feet running up the stairs suddenly register. [SFX: Scrapes against the floor, police sirens get louder, door opens.] I rush past Jenny into my office. It’s worse than I expected.

JENNY (far away): Oh what is it Rex?

REX (sternly): Stay out there Jenny. [SFX - Jenny screams.] Don’t come in. 

REX (V.O.): Harold Madison, I presume. At least, he used to be. He’s dead.

[SFX - Police sirens fade out.]

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw starts.]

GREG MCAFEE: Tonight’s episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Eye stars Randy Coull (Rex Rivetter) and Rhiannon McAfee (Jenny MacIntosh), featuring Steve Murdock (Italian), guest starring Debbie David (Virginia Madison), with appearances by James Steinburg and Jennifer McKenna. Tonight’s episode was written by Greg Macafee and is transcribed in San Diego, California. It is produced by Downstairs Entertainment, with recording, sound, and editing by Davey Boy Productions. The Rex Rivetter Theme ‘Nightmare’ by the Artie Shaw Orchestra is used by permission of Music Sales Corps. Rex Rivetter is directed by Rhiannon McAfee with vocal, sound, and technical direction by Dave Rivas. And if you enjoyed tonight’s episode please find us on the internet at www.dsentertain.com or on THE FACEBOOK or THE TWITTER. Tonight's episode of Rex Rivetter: Private Detective is brought to you in part by Davey Boy Productions. For sound design, private voice-over workshops, or to consult with voice over recording artist Dave Rivas about your project, visit www.daveyboyproductions.com. And be sure to join us next Monday night, same time and place, for the exciting second part of Rex Rivetter, and The Case of the Farmer’s Wife. For Downstairs Entertainment, this is Greg McAfee speaking. 

[Nightmare by Artie Shaw fades out.]