rholletannguinto

[rholletannguinto]

What am I going to be?

Blog Entry #3: The Chronicles of My Success Foretold

I'm sometimes envious of the blood that rushes through our bodies. They, unlike me, know where to go. They know which veins or paths to take in order to reach the heart, brain, or any other part of our bodies. They already know where they're going because they're aware that it's their duty. It is their purpose and responsibility. What about me, though? What is my goal? What will I be, or will I just go with the flow and see where it takes me?

I will be 30 - 40 years old in ten to twenty years. I'm not sure, but some people believe that at that age, I should be married with children, settle down and start a home business, or become a full-time mom and housewife.

I am not certain of what I'll be in the future, but it's not what I want to be. I want to be a director. Perhaps a theater director. Or maybe a playwright. I want to explore the world and publish as many books as possible, as well as create a vlog or documentary video. Then I'll make my parents' lives more comfortable, save some money, buy a lot in Bukidnon, my dream province, build a house, and spend the rest of my life reading, writing, listening to music, eating good food, rescuing stray animals, and being content with my life so that I can die happily and peacefully.

Dreaming is limitless, and while it may appear that my goal is impossible, but it is not. I feel that if I work hard enough, I will be able to achieve it. Despite the fact that things are terrible today, especially with the pandemic. I need to study hard and finish college. And every day, I always want to be the better version of myself, and I stay positive for my dreams, but change is the only constant in the world, and I've occasionally felt that I'll never be able to achieve any of my ambitions. It's difficult to be poor, and even though I'm a working student, I don't feel like I can really support myself and my family. In every situation. Financially, mentally, but as long as I envision myself living my dream life in the future, regardless of whether I'm 50 or 60 years old at that moment, it inspires me to dream and have high hopes for my life. It gives me some spark and it’s enough to keep me going.

I can only foresee my future when everything in my life is going well. However, life is not always beautiful. And, while I'm not sure what I'd be in the future, I can state that I have a dream. And it is my dream to achieve my dream.

[rholletannguinto]

Where are you?

Blog entry #2: Thoughts (Mental Health)

It’s a letter for you but I don’t want you to read it.

I'm here sitting at the seaside. Thinking of  you Rey. Where are you? I didn't see you since yesterday.

I didn't see your footprints at the sand where we used to walk to.

I didn't see you swimming at the sea where you used to splashed water on me.

You are a ghost now. Just like everyone who abandoned me before and because of that, I'm not sure if I love you or if I'm just lonely and need someone to make me feel something.

I'm here sitting in the seashore, thinking how to deal with my incapacity to develop basic human emotion but whatever I’ve realized that I want to fall in love with you, but I can’t see myself in healthy relationships where I can grow in (that’s what love is, isn’t it?) but I’m afraid my desperation for a romantic experience cannot enable me to truly develop genuine emotions for another person. 

I fear that in wanting to love someone else so bad, I might manipulate my emotions just to be able to say, "hey, I love you" perhaps it springs from the generalized notion of romance and the yearning to spend a lifetime/a long time with a significant other. I’m already having a hard enough time trying to tolerate my own existence, what more finding another person to put up with..... in the end, nothing matters in the long run, and my emotions are worthless. 

I had no idea I'd come to know you, Rey. I am a hopeless romantic who just want to be loved by someone even though I am unsure how to love and treat myself right.

I can say that I totally am attracted to you, but breathe in another direction and it's a paradigm shift . I don’t want to be hurt. Game over. It just ends there, and it's never really a nice ending to have. I sound so edgy and I hate it. I wish I just became like any other basic human walking the earth with surface level reflections and ignorant philosophies and yet, watching all these people around me fall in love/infatuation/affection makes me want to hang my head on a noose.

I feel so broken but I don’t know if I even fallen in love with you yet. I haven’t even been there. But knowing that I can’t even reach that feeling of being in love,,, it scares me that I might not be able to experience what it truly is like to be human I don’t know man we're all gonna die, and I’m twenty years old but my emotions are dead. No more function in society. Shut up Scorpio (my zodiac sign). I hate you. Go bang your head on a wall. Maybe if u hit your brain hard enough you’ll be able to do something meaningful with all your pent up desires. 

But I always think of you, Rey, and how we used to spend our time together.

I want to talk to you again about “us”.

Help me to get out of the void inside my mind.

Where are you?

[rholletannguinto]

Reynaldo

Blog entry #1: Love in the time of pandemic

I always believed that love is in the air. Because, in my opinion, you can always find love anywhere. You are alive every day, you breathe the air, and you have the opportunity to love and be loved by others. As for me, I enjoy traveling, and my favorite location is a province, and the scents of the sea, the forest, and the fresh air gave the meaning of the saying "love is in the air."

But right now, I guess that I can’t quite give the literal meaning of that quotation. Is love is in the air or virus is in the air? When this pandemic strike, I thought that I will not be able to smell and feel the love that surrounds me. Even the fresh air or the perfume of the people that I walk past by. Many things have changed when Covid-19 exists. Life becomes much harder than before and some people think that their lives stop because of it, that they miss living their lives to the fullest. They miss their old routines. Going out with their friends and loved ones or even having a date with their significant other.

I wonder what it's like to have a date with someone that you have a romantic relationship. I wonder how is like to commit to another person and promise to be with them through thick and thin. In this time of the pandemic, can someone be in love? Can someone fall in love and take the risk despite this virus that we are facing and without the certainty that their relationship will be going to work out?

Let me tell you a story about a girl from a city and a province boy. The girl's name is Ley and the boy is Rey. Before the pandemic, Ley is a working student. She works at McDonald’s when she doesn't have a class. A consistent honor student and loves to write scripts for their school's theatre plays. She has some friends and lives alone in a city with two dogs and a cat. Her parents are separated and her siblings have their own families. She is independent. She thinks that she doesn't need anyone, just herself.

Rey, born and raised in a province and a son of a fisherman. He likes to play mobile games after going fishing with his father. They have two boats that are of medium size. They go fishing every night and return early the next day. They have a large family. He lives happily with his mother and father, three elder sisters, two older brothers, and four nieces. They didn't have much money, but their love for each other was invaluable.

The Pandemic then begins. Because of the lockdown, Ley has decided to resign from her work and live with her mother and relatives in the province. Because she isn't used to living with so many people, Ley initially felt homesick and uncomfortable. Ley's cousin keeps her occupied with swimming and gorgeous rural scenery to keep her from becoming bored. When they have the opportunity, they visit local falls, rivers, and seas.

Until Ley decided to go to the shore alone one night to relax and listen to music while lying in a parked boat. That night, Rey spotted her and became interested in her. They become friends after he sends her a message. They are constantly together until then. Swimming in the sea, having seafood buddle fights, playing at the beach with her cousins, and so on. Rey makes an effort to ensure that Ley is having a good time in their province. He even sits down with his family for lunch and introduces Ley to them. Ley was envious of his family, but she was grateful for how welcoming they were to her.

It's been a year since Ley first arrived in the province. Their bond improves from when they first met. Rey has always had feelings for Ley, but she isn't ready to commit just yet. Because of what is going on in the world, she feels uncertain.

Ley's mother decided to leave and return to their old home in the city one day. Ley tells Rey about it afterward. Rey is in tears, but all he can say is that he loves Ley and considers her more than a friend. But Ley turned it down, even if she feels the same way because she will be far away from him and she is frightened of falling in love with him even more because of the many uncertainties.

Rey went fishing with his father the next day, and Ley left the province. Until then, they prefer to forget about each other and focus on themselves, promising to see one another again when things get better.

Ley is me. It's my nickname. Rey is my first love. And that's my love story. I'm always curious what would happen if I were brave enough to tell Rey that I love him as well. What if I decided to take a chance and love him anyway? I wonder what would happen. Now I realized that, It is much better to take risk than to regret not doing anything. 

I can't recall the smell of his love right now, but I'll always remember it. I miss you, Reynaldo. Until we cross paths again.

[rholletannguinto]

Maybe we weren’t ready for this life.

[rholletannguinto]

[rholletannguinto]

AND WE KNOW ITS NEVER SIMPLE, NEVER EASY...

[rholletannguinto]

lets see how long i can starve myself lmao

[rholletannguinto]

I wish I could apologize to my younger self. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry for giving up on her dreams and living a life she feared.

[rholletannguinto]

Does anyone else feel like everyone is achieving their goals except for you?

[rholletannguinto]

YEAH.. 😔

I want someone to love me, but people do not want fat girls.

[rholletannguinto]

[rholletannguinto]

[rholletannguinto]

[rholletannguinto]

[rholletannguinto]

SAME GURL SAME

[rholletannguinto]

“destroy what destroys you”

they said,

but they get mad

when you destroy yourself

[rholletannguinto]

Five of Swords.

Even when faced with insurmountable odds, know that the persistent soul will eventually overcome. Do not be a slave to your struggle. Have faith in your strength. Believe in yourself. Don’t give in. Don’t give up.