riotswithinme

[riotswithinme]

MIRROR OF MEMORIES.

Do you still remember who you are? Do you remember the person that you used to be?

Neverending questions and doubts hung in the hot, suffocating air of the room, their relentless echo inside my head quite impossible to ignore, as I brushed the damp palm of my hand, inevitably wrinkled by the water, against the foggy surface of the mirror with urgency, desperately trying to wipe off the steam just enough for me to see my own reflection. It stared back at me. . its gaze distant, empty, boring holes into my very soul.

I leaned closer to the mirror, my fingertips gently tracing the lines of my own face reflected back at me. . and my heart softened then, as if in acceptance of an entire life that I didn't remember living. As if surrendering to the things I didn't know, surrendering to the ghosts of my past that have been haunting me for so long.

Will I ever make it through the fog inside my head?

I let my eyes flutter shut for a moment, hands now holding onto the bathroom sink as I inhaled slowly, filling my lungs, one breath at a time. And I released the air just as slowly, as if with every huff, I'd let go of the burdens weighing on my heart, burdens I wasn't even aware I was carrying, — and the breaths that escaped from my lungs became one with the clouds of steam, slowly enlgufing me. And I could see then, amid the fog, fragments of forgotten memories playing in my mind.

There was a room, though not quite big, illuminated by the light of the sun filtering through the window— and I was stuck there, a mess of dark hair spreading out onto the pillow as I lied unconscious on a hospital bed, frozen in time and barely existing. Life hadn't stopped however, no. Outside the four walls of that room, life continued for everybody, except for me. I was the only one left behind. I remembered it, I remembered the loneliness and the crushing pain that washed over me upon my awakening, and suddenly, I wished I could re-forget as I felt those walls suddenly close in on me, suffocating me. .

No. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to relive my accident and everything that happened after. Better yet, everything that never happened. Destiny robbed me of time that I could never get back and the people and moments in my life that were forcefully erased from my memory— my subconscious still knew everything. It knew it all too well. But I'd rather not know. Not yet.

Mr. Reis had called this a miracle. A miracle I should not waste by forcing myself to remember things that I wasn't ready to face. And I've wondered ever since, if miracles are supposed to leave you feeling as if you're only ever half breathing, never truly living. Is that what a miracle is? Existing but never really knowing what it's like being whole?

If this is a miracle, I'm not sure I really want it, anymore, I'd thought, while instinctively placing a hand over my chest, as if to steady my breathing. Warm tears spilled from the corners of my eyes, as I fluttered them open. My reflection was nothing but an indistinct shadow on the surface of the mirror and I didn't linger in front of it any longer. With a few, short steps, I dragged myself towards the bedroom, closing the door behind me, and shutting out all of my thoughts, all of the outside noise as I let myself fall onto the bed, like a dead weight.

Perhaps, one day, I will rewrite my fate. But not tonight, no. Tonight, I can't. Tonight, I won't.

[riotswithinme]

SCARLET RED.

(the beginning of the end)

“𝘔𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦, 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭. 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘴𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦. .”

𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙢𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙣𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙖 𝙢𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧? ̶When you love him. When you kill him: that’s when he will no longer be a monster. I’ve been living under the same roof, breathing the very same air with one long enough to know the crude truth —love will never be enough to tame the vicious heart of a monster, to turn him into something else, something more human, for he's already rotten inside.

On nights like these, broken bits and pieces of memories fight their way back in the forsaken chambers of my mind, playing uninterruptedly, like disturbing scenes from a horror movie and I can't turn them off. I can't look away. I see it all, even with my eyes squeezed shut. It's how my present and my past overlap.

He thought I would forget in time, but it has never left my head.

Thunder rumbled loudly that night as bolts of lightning cut through the sky, in all their raging glory, fuelling furthermore the war within me, within my head as I tried to break free from that bastard's grasp, but it was all in vain. Vadik, my father's right-hand man, had no intention of releasing me. Not yet. I screamed and shouted the worst of curses from the very depths of my soul, but all my words were like muffled noise falling on deaf ears.

Eyes filled with hatred and tears stared at Wolfgang's face, still foolishly hoping that I'd catch a glimpse of his humanity, but no remorse reflected in his icy blues as he lifted them up to look at me, his only daughter, with a wicked, nearly demonic grin plastered on his wrinkled face. My heart started hammering against my chest, as anger and hopelessness took hold of me and I saw him clearly, then: the cruel monster that was always hidden behind the man I used to call my father.

With his hollow, cold eyes following my every reaction, he yanked Zade's head back, roughly and without a warning, forcing him to take a final look at the woman he was dying for. He appeared just like a ghost to me, his life force slowly leaving him with every faint breath that he managed to take, guilt and pain weighing down on his worn out body. And my heart ached just looking at him, as if I had been stabbed, too —repeatedly, mercilessly. It ached for him, it ached for us. It ached for a fate that my father had so cruelly twisted and bent to his every need.

“I couldn't save us, ʼZara. I couldn't save you. Forgive me..” Zade had managed to murmur before he found the bitter end. With a sudden shot to the head, he was erased from this life, taking my heart with him while a veil of darkness fell all over, claiming every other broken piece of me that he left behind. We built our love on cursed ground. We did.

“What the hell did you do? You sick psychopath! H-How could you? You're a monster, Wolfe!! A goddamn monster!!” anger fueled words rolled off my tongue carelessly, bearing the weight of my brokenness and horror. And only then, Wolfgang retorted back.

“You forced my hand, my daughter. I warned you so many times. Let the spilled blood of your little lover remind you to never disobey again and do exactly as you're told.” The sound of his venomous words made my skin crawl in utter disgust. Disgust for the man whose blood runs through my veins, disgust for the monstrosity and coldness of his heart. Curse his entire existence. Even death for someone like him would be too kind.

I'd then rushed to Zade as if his life depended on me, quickly crouching down to check his vital signs.. as if I could save him. I was hopeless, and yet, I clung onto hope. I still begged his heart to start beating.

Please, don't go.

Please, don't be my greatest loss of this life.

But he had already left me behind. .

And now I stand alone against every storm, tall and guarded like a fortress, but there isn't anything left to keep safe anymore. Zade's words, his voice still play in the back of my mind, reigniting the pain with renewed intensity, each time. He's a permanent wound in my heart that will never stop hurting, never stop bleeding. And these blood stains on my hands —his blood— are a permanent reminder of the Hell I'd promised to rain upon my father. He won't know peace as long as I'm still breathing. He won't know peace as long as I'm still alive.

They used to call me angel, they used to paint me golden and all soft pastels, but there's only ever been one color splattered across every wall inside my head, and I see it reflecting in my eyes when the hellish flames of revenge start dancing within my chest— I was always scarlet red.