riverfinch-blog

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when i look at myself, i don’t think Human.

i don’t think anything at all.

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watered my plants to the sound of the midnight train with a busy day behind me and a busy mind ahead.

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it’s so strange, to think that my life should be lived for myself. to think that i play piano for myself and write for myself and draw for myself and even go to school for myself. after therapy today, i made a decision about switching into the program that has been truly calling me. i hope beyond all hopes that it’s the right decision. i hope beyond all hopes that i won’t be living in residence next year. god, please.

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i hate when family are over (i don’t hate them i just hate that they’re in my room and always in the house and i have to pretend to be perfect and my mom becomes so ANNOYING) & i have been on the verge of crying all day🤩

i wonder what makes this different than priv twitter. maybe that nobody is listening? i guess there might be some sort of comfort and safety in that. i miss tina so much.

mama said i sounded exactly like baba today, because there was one last booragaya that “metreed it’seer” & i said “melazim it’seer”, which is the exactly kind of calm response typical of my dad. life is easy, but it isn’t.

today is the 29th, and i spent the morning writing a friend for my journal entry on the 29th of may last year, a piece that turned into my senior year artists statements and hold so so much pain. i’m remembering today that a lot of that pain has stayed within me.

i feel like i should write about luna more than i do; she’s definitely my favourite member of the family. it’s so comforting to find her already hiding when i close the door to our shared hiding spot behind me. comforting to play with her, pet her, sing to her and pretend like i am worth something. because i am, to her. sometimes i wonder if even that is true.

it’s 3am and we’re supposed to go to toronto tomorrow which means i’m missing my physio appointment and i want to scream but what’s new !

i’m talking to jo rn about dairy and food and how i usually just give in to my mom’s health lectures although my therapist would tell me to be more assertive about what i want. it’s not a connection i made until just now and i guess i just feel . stuck. and unmotivated/unsure of how to move forward AND mostly wanting to lay in the cool soil on the bruce trail and just . be far away from everyone and everything.

day: 1

hiding in the bathroom count: 4

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may 27 2019

getting older but none the wiser!! am learning a lesson about my body’s limits that is painful to register in every way. i would like to be invincible...i think that behind a keyboard and in pen & paper maybe i am.

(the most satisfying thing to do on your birthday is make a pile of your gifts and just look at it for a while, it’s not everyday you get stuff just for existing)

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23/05/19

my therapist told me to let things out, so here i am. i have a lot of anger, i guess. it’s confusing to think about because there’s so much going on in my head and i don’t really know where to start.

i like feeling like i am finally leaving things that are frustrating me behind. i went to physiotherapy for the first time today and the frustration i’ve been feeling towards my ankle and body in general was mitagaged and aggravated at the same time. my legs are “weak” he said, but so is the rest of my body and at some point i just kind of accepted that i was like this. that i should be like this. skipped meals and skipped runs, because i felt like this on the inside and some part of me always wants things to match. ever the artist. my body is my least favourite piece so far. selling price; rock bottom.

i am not as bad now as i was a year ago, and remembering this helps me feel like i am gaining strength. my therapist said at our last session that i have been trying to heal (step #2) without letting things out first (step #1) and i have to admit i felt kind of dumb for rushing to the healing but also kind of discouraged that after everything at uni i am still not ready to heal. that i am in the trailers portion of the cinema where everyone is eating their snacks and waiting for the movie to finally play. i miss tina, my new therapist is a little older and more formal and it feels strange, but there are still so many things i have come to realize with her even with two sessions.

like, i can’t really leave my highschool friends behind just yet. like, i don’t know if i want to. i am going to the beach with my highschool friends tomorrow morning, and i bought these adorable lemon shorts today that remind me of cavetown’s song “lemon boy”. i also found a picture of me from al-salam, where i am squinting grumpily into the sun. my hair is cut shorter than it is even now, because my grandmas had taken me to chop it all of, and i am in the red and white uniform on the bright green grass. i remember only flashes of that life, and i find myself wishing i could remember more.

i found my elementary school friends on instagram a couple of days ago. my crushes and the twin boys that were my friends and my sworn childhood enemy. a different school from the one i was in when the photo was taken, and yet these people, like the ones from al-salaam, all ended up growing up and graduating together. i realized that even if my family was displaced i could have had some semblance of stability. that word has never been in the cards for me, though.

when i was going to that second elementary school, my mama would drive me and my brother to school in the bmw. we lived in this huge desert villa and once the stray cat, abby, hide her kittens under the car and my parents had to carry them out on the end of a broom so we could get to school. i don’t know how this habit began, but on every one of those car rides, my brother would ask me for a story, and i would oblige. it became a series, eventually, where the protagonist was this adventure seeking, slighting unassuming chicken, and i was the author. i would come up with stories on the spot and over exaggerate my diction to keep him interested, telling tales all the way to school.

it’s almost 1am, and i have an early morning tomorrow, so it’s off to bed i go! this was good. nye nye.

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here is to a moment in time, 1:12AM.

to the music that keeps me bouyed, to the music i drown in. here is to holding love in my heart forever, even if it is just for you. here is to wishing i could be half as much as you were at 18. here is to falling asleep imagining other versions of me. versions less scared of the unknown, versions willing to let the wind carry me when i jump, versions that jump at all.

here is to the moments in time where you make me feel like i can do anything; thank you. i wish i really could.

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19 stars in the ceiling solar system & me

i’m going to miss this piece of outer space when i move out. the subtle light from above, the way they watch over my room all day but only come out at night, for prayers and wishes and anxious consolations. before i moved into this room, i hadn’t seen stars on my ceiling in twelve years and two continents, twenty four months and four cities. the first night i saw them, truly noticed they were there, i was dipped in childish awe. what glory, to find a home long lost! what wonder, to be the sun all along!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAH STRESSED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

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yesterday i rode my last train of the school year back to the city. on the way, my cousin texted me something like...”the hardness is inside us”, and i started crying.

it sounds so hopeless, the idea that nothing feels easy or soft because there is something wrong with me. i am kind of angry she said it at all, but i am also scared of the place she is in right now.

i wanted to scream “no!!!! we are so soft and empathetic and that’s the fucking problem!!!” i wanted to scream “don’t speak for me!!!” i wanted to, but i didn’t.

i am so tired of always fighting, of always carrying the hardness around inside of me. i am so tired of always being angry and scared and annoyed and crying even when i am full of love.

i am tired but there is some big, loud part of me that is always babbling about the beautiful future, about the softness and the warmth and the safety, and i believe her, despite it all.

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i am trying to project good things into the future and also to sleep but i don’t quite know if either things are working considering i am: anxious and: awake

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i’m so scared, still. of things that seem silly to other people but monumental to me. of how much i feel all the time, how much i pick up on other people’s emotions and how much everything effects me. how do i make it stop? how do i only feel my own emotions? i wish i knew

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april 12 2019

its 6am and i’ve been up for more than an hour listening to the new bangtan album. this is my first comeback away from home, but there still isn’t anything even closely comparable to the wonder i feel during these times. the dim light and the silence punctuated only by music my ears have never heard before. it feels like food for the soul in the best possible way. i feel like i could have the best day i’ve ever had, see the city and fall in love and right every wrong and scream my dreams into the wind. its so ridiculously early and i have a final paper due at midnight tonight but there’s nowhere else i’d rather be. now excuse me while i go back to sleep; the dining hall doesnt open until 8. 

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the past couple of weeks i feel permanently off kilter, permanently chasing where i’m supposed to be and never really getting there. yesterday i came back from eating lunch too late and not enough and carried a box down the stairs outside of larkin for these two old men who looked like a gust of wind could blow them over. their smiles and “bless you’s” got me thinking that maybe there is no such thing as being in the wrong place at the wrong time. in that moment, i really believed i was right where i was supposed to be.